“A bunch of different things. But the fact that Salem found her way back to you and sounded happy, really truly happy in a way that has been missing since she left, was a big part of it. I realized that time could pass and that life could just keep moving forward for everyone no matter what might have happened in between. I’ve done my penance for any bad choices I might have made and it is my time to be free. I’m never going to be perfect and I’m not going to be punished for them ever again.”
I hugged her tighter and repeated one of Rome’s favorite phrases: “Atta girl.”
I was going to ask her how she knew for a fact that Salem had always wanted me when I heard a dog bark and the door behind me opened up.
“I was worried about you two, so I thought I would poke my head in and see how it was going.”
Jimbo ran in excited circles around my living room as I saw Salem’s eyes go from black to something even darker when she saw that I holding on to her sister. I let my arms drop and took a step back, knowing it probably didn’t look all that great as Poppy hiccuped a little and rubbed her tearstained cheeks.
“It’s better now.” Poppy’s voice was surprisingly clear but Salem looked like she had just tasted something foul and was refusing to meet my gaze.
“Yeah, there was grime knocked off the past and it looks a lot clearer to me now.” I was hoping she would pick up on the subtle undercurrent of my words but she just sucked her bottom lip in between her teeth and twisted the ends of her hair around her finger like she did when she was agitated.
“All right. I need to take Jimbo back home and head downtown.”
Poppy stepped around me after she reached for my hand and gave it one last squeeze. “I’ll take him. I’m still exhausted and I feel like every weight I ever had on my chest is now gone.” She smiled at me lopsided and whistled for the hyper puppy. “It was really good to see you again, Rowdy. I missed you.”
Well, shit. That was the worst thing to say when Salem already looked like she wanted to skin me alive or pack a suitcase and hit the nearest airport. I could see her ready to bolt out the door and possibly my life, so I caught her arm and pulled her to me before she could do anything rash or permanent.
“She was crying and I felt bad for her. I just gave her a hug . . . that’s all.”
“Good. She probably needs as many hugs as she can get.” Her words said one thing but her stiff body language and the way she wouldn’t look at me said another.
“Salem . . .” I put a finger under her chin and forced her to look up at me. “She isn’t you. No one is you and no one has ever been you, so don’t get any crazy ideas, okay?”
She didn’t answer and shook off the hold I had on her arm. “I need to go and so do you. Don’t be late for work, Rowdy.”
“Salem,” She looked at me over her shoulder because she was already out the door. “Don’t leave me again.”
She didn’t say anything and I didn’t call her back as she made her way down the hallway and disappeared.
Like I always said, if it wasn’t for bad luck . . . Of course she would’ve had to show up just when I had my arms around Poppy even if it was totally innocent. I was just going to have to take Asa’s advice and make sure she knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was only her. She might not be my first love but she would always be my last love and I understood what that meant now.
CHAPTER 14
Salem
I WASN’T GOING TO leave him—at least not physically—but my mind was a million miles away, and I hated the places it was visiting.
I wasn’t so insecure that I didn’t realize my sister needed all the kindness and love she could get, but that didn’t change the fact that walking in and seeing Rowdy holding her like she was something precious and rare unhinged something inside my heart. I was confident, I was sure that coming after him had been the right choice, but there was fear, gaping and wide in the center of me that there was still a part of him that was going to see Poppy as the safer choice. Plus there were undoubtedly the protective instincts that had to fire up in him at seeing my sister all broken and battered, and I wasn’t absolutely sure that those wouldn’t guide him back to the feelings he may have had in the past. I wanted to be more secure in the relationship we had been developing, wanted the doubt to seem foolish and misplaced, but I just couldn’t get a handle on all of it, and as a result I took the coward’s way out and avoided Rowdy because I just didn’t know what to say to him.
Luckily no one questioned me when I called in sick on Wednesday when we were supposed to be at the new shop together. I knew he was mad because he left me a voice mail telling me so. I made sure I had plans to go out with the girls after work on Thursday so I could avoid him showing up at my place to talk to me, which I was sure he was going to do because he sent me a text threatening to. I even called Sayer to see if she wanted to grab dinner on Friday after work to avoid him even further. I just didn’t know what to say that didn’t make me sound jealous and petty. I also couldn’t even begin to fathom what I would do if those fears were realized and he admitted he still loved my sister and what we had was just a fling.
Cora and the girls knew something was majorly off, but I couldn’t seem to get the words out to explain everything that was racing around inside my head and clattering around in my heart. I just told them that my sister had shown up unexpectedly and that her husband had been hurting her, so I was stressed out about the situation. They were all smart women and I’m sure they could read between the lines, but they were all kind enough to just let me have a night out and not force me into spilling my guts over a situation that was eating me alive.
I needed a minute to think, some time to figure out what I was doing and how I was going to handle being in love with someone that might very well never be able to love me back, but it was hard because I missed him. I didn’t like not talking to him. I hated going to bed alone and I felt like a real asshole because my poor dog kept looking at the door wondering where his playmate was. No one had ever said relationships were easy, but somehow I didn’t think they would be this hard or this heartbreaking either.
On top of it all, Poppy was giving me a hard time. I think she knew I was pulling back, pushing space between Rowdy and myself because of her and because of my own hesitation, and she didn’t like it one bit. She told me no less than ten times she would not be the reason I sabotaged my own happiness. She reiterated over and over again that things had never and would never be like that between her and Rowdy. She told me to open my eyes and look at what he had done. He had been brave enough, wanted me enough, to take the risk on starting something with me even though he knew there was a chance I wouldn’t stay in Denver for very long. Poppy insisted that for him to do that was a true sign of how much he cared for me, and I couldn’t argue with her but I also didn’t know if it was enough.
On Friday, Sayer and I sat down in a really posh restaurant located really close to the shop and she fed my own words back to me as I begrudgingly told her the details of the entire situation.
“He’s worth it.”
He always had been but that didn’t mean I was as brave as he was and ready to put it all on the line just to end up his second choice. I had never loved anyone after I loved him when he was my only source of joy in my youth and I doubted I would ever be able to love anyone beyond him. He had become my source of everything as an adult.
Unable to think about any of it anymore, I switched the subject and asked Sayer to tell me more about growing up with the man that had left his son in no-man’s-land rather than claim him as his own. As she gave me a glimpse into her history I started to think Rowdy may have gotten off lucky and his idea that everything happened for a reason might be valid. There had to be a greater reason for him ending up next door with the Ortegas than just because. He never would’ve been able to withstand the chilly upbringing and frozen parenting Sayer had been subjected to. It sounded hauntingly familiar and even worse than my own home had been.
I told her about my ow
n father and how his rules and ironfisted control over my family had driven me out of the house in desperation and explained to her why that had left such a lasting impact on Rowdy over the years.
“He was so little when his mom died. He doesn’t really remember much about her, but from what he does, I think she was wonderful to him. All he says is that he remembers her being really happy and always smiling. He said her smile could light up a whole room. When she was ripped away from him and he ended up in the system, I don’t think anyone knew what to do with a wild kid that was being eaten alive by grief. He just felt so alone.” I sighed and noticed that Sayer was blinking really hard to keep her emotion in check. “I remember one day after school I found him sitting on the porch of our house. He was only eleven or twelve at the time and he was really upset. I asked him what was wrong and he told me they were doing a family history project in one of his classes and that the other kids were teasing him because he only had one branch—him. I could see he wanted to yell about it, to cry at the unfairness of it all, but it was just like he had accepted that everyone he loved was gone and he would be on his own forever.”
I shook my head and picked up the glass of wine I had been working on with dinner. “I told him the tree just wasn’t done growing yet. He would add to it as he got older. He would fall in love, have kids, have in-laws, and make his own St. James orchard. I think it helped at the time but then I turned around and blew out of town and my sister turned him down when he offered to marry her, so neither of us exactly helped ease his long-held fears about being left by the ones he loved the most.”
She grinned at me and picked up her own glass of wine. “I would be happy to be a branch on that tree. We could help each other in never being alone again.”
I nodded. “He’ll figure that out eventually. Poppy keeps trying to tell me he has always loved her like a sister, that he just didn’t know it at the time because he was so worried about everyone leaving him. If that’s the case, there is no way he won’t eventually come around and want to love his actual sister in the same way.”
“I sure hope so.” She lifted an eyebrow at me and pointed the rim of her wineglass in my direction. “And I hope you realize that you are doing the exact same thing he did. Letting fear decide who you’re going to be with. You already spent a decade working your way back to where you wanted to be. It’s absolutely foolish to waste that because of something that might or might not be. From everything you’ve told me and everything I’ve seen, Rowdy isn’t the type to beat around the bush. If he had feelings for your sister at all, he wouldn’t be furious at you and hounding you for avoiding him this last week. He’s trying to get you to see him looking for you, Salem, the same way you came looking for him after all this time.”
I made a face that had her laughing and I couldn’t resist ordering dessert when our server came by and asked if we wanted anything else. I was bummed out and missed my man, so ice cream and brownies were absolutely called for.
“I didn’t have a choice. I think I’ve been trying to find my way back to him since the second I left.”
“That must have been hard for both of you.”
“Yeah. As soon as I left I knew things weren’t going to be easy for him but I hoped for the best. The foster family he stayed with through high school were really nice people and I think they took care of his basic needs, but there was no one there to help him figure out his future or to teach him how to follow his heart. Did you know he played football? He could have gone pro if he wanted.” I couldn’t help the pride that snuck into my tone. “He was amazing but he never loved it. It was just a way to fit in. He loved art and he wanted to draw. He was amazing at that as well and that was his true passion, his real calling.”
I moved my hair off of my neck and shoulders and showed her the field of flowers and birds flying across my back. “He drew this for me when he was twelve. The birds were free and he knew that’s the only thing I ever wanted. It was how he tried to give me some kind of liberty from my father’s rule.”
Sayer leaned closer to look at the design, and when she pulled back she put her hands on the table and looked at me with serious eyes.
“Salem, I don’t know Rowdy that well but I can look at that and see someone handing you their heart. I can’t believe you have any kind of question about how he feels about you. What other man since then has tried to offer you what you wanted most? He was just a kid at the time and he was trying to make your dreams come true.”
Well, shit. Put like that, it made my heart lodge in my throat and my insecurity feel pitiful and petty.
“He’s always been a very special guy.”
“Well then, I’m sure he figured out he deserves a very special girl. I’m sure your sister is a lovely person, Salem, but she let him chase after her, let him follow her, let him sacrifice his education and possible future for her without a thought. You left, but you also came back. You left your job, your life, and everything you were building in Vegas once you knew he was here. I don’t think it’s where you go that matters, I think it’s where you end up.”
I finished my wine with a hefty chug. “You did the same thing.”
“I did and I can only hope that eventually he’ll realize that matters. I think he already figured it out with you.”
I still wasn’t one hundred percent sure about that, but when I got home and got berated by my sister yet again for being a no-show when Rowdy came around looking for me, I was starting to believe it more. He texted me twice before I went to bed and I couldn’t justify ignoring him anymore, so I responded that I would see him at work tomorrow and we could talk at some point over the weekend. I didn’t want the entire shift at the shop to be awkward and uncomfortable between us tomorrow when we worked together. I also told him good night and stopped just short of texting him that sleeping alone sucked. Jimbo gave me sad eyes as he climbed up onto Rowdy’s side of the bed and laid his head on my arm.
I patted his rapidly growing head and scrunched-up nose as he licked at my fingers. “I’ll get it together, Jimbo. I promise.” The dog whined and I sighed. “I know. I miss him, too.”
WHEN ROWDY WALKED INTO the shop the next afternoon I expected him to jump all over me and demand answers for my admittedly terrible behavior as of late, but he didn’t. He smiled at me in his normally charming way and went to his station to set up since he had back-to-back appointments scheduled throughout the day. He didn’t look at me, or try and talk to me beyond what was necessary for business for the entire shift. It stressed me out and made me feel even worse than I already did, and of course since I hadn’t seen him for a few days, all I wanted to do was stare at him and remember what he looked like wearing nothing but the battered cowboy hat. It made for a very unpleasant and tense afternoon.
I was going to ask him if he wanted to have lunch with me and by “lunch” meant let me grope him somewhere privately while I tried my best to apologize and explain all the crazy and frantic thoughts that had been hounding me since seeing him with his arms around my sister. He vanished before I could. That put me in a very sour and grumpy mood for the rest of the day. I knew it wasn’t logical since I had been the one playing hide-and-seek all week, but I couldn’t help it. Luckily the first shipment of stuff for the store came in late in the afternoon and I got to go upstairs and paw through T-shirts, tank tops, jackets, thermals, and old-fashioned button-ups to see how everything turned out.
The guys had come through in spades with the designs. Along with Rowdy’s gypsy and Rule’s sacred heart, Nash had given me a brightly designed koi fish and, for Phil, an angel that was done in pinup style with tattooed and pierced wings. The older Donovan would have been tickled pink by his son’s tribute to him. The designs were fantastic and unique. I just knew people were going to eat them up and this was just the start. I fully intended on making these boys have their own brand that could go on so much more than T-shirts. They were all so talented and had survived so much to get where they were. They deserved notoriety
and recognition for being some of the best in the business.
I was in clothes heaven and already thinking about the next wave of designs and apparel as well as getting an online retail site up and running when I heard boots on the stairs. I knew it was Rowdy and looked at my phone to see what time it was. I was surprised to see that the rest of the afternoon had passed while I was up here sorting and organizing and it was well past time to do the cash-out for the day and go home.
When he cleared the top of the landing I noticed he had the bank bag in his hand and that there was a determined slant to his normally smiling mouth.
“Everything downstairs is done. This is ready for the safe. Do you have anything else left to do up here?”
I was going to break down some of the boxes the clothes had come in and try and make a path between my piles so Cora could get through, but that wasn’t anything that couldn’t wait until Monday. I didn’t want to squander my chance if Rowdy was finally willing to talk to me after his chilly treatment all day. I hated that I deserved his brush-off.
“No. I’ll finish up on Monday. I’ll come when the shop is closed so I can take my time with it.”
He nodded and stepped around all my piles of goodies delicately to get to Cora’s office. He went inside and came back out carrying a small black bag. He locked the door behind him and walked over to where I was waiting. He wrapped his long fingers around my wrist and without saying a word pulled me after him down the stairs, telling me to hit the lights as we went. As usual I had on heels, so being dragged down the stairs was slightly precarious and he wouldn’t answer me when I asked him what he thought he was doing. He didn’t even let me go to lock the front door of the shop. Instead he told me to dig the keys out of his pocket and do it for him. Not that I minded the task but I still thought he was being weird and evasive.
“What’s in the bag, Rowdy? I told you we could talk after work, so why are you acting so surly?”