There was no regret. There were no useless words of condolence. All Salem could do was hold Poppy as she cried and cried. There was nothing that was going to make the situation, or her sister, any better and Salem knew that, so she just offered up her strength, which was really the only thing that Poppy needed at the moment. I wasn’t really sure what to do with myself, so I just hovered by the doorway and watched the heartbreaking scene unfold. As a man that cared about these two women, who had loved both of them in different ways for a lifetime, it filled me with impotent rage that they were both suffering so deeply and there was nothing I could do about it. If Oliver hadn’t already been dead I felt like I would start a manhunt so I could take him out myself.
Poppy must have felt the heat that my anger and unease were putting off because she tapped the hospital bed next to her hip and motioned me over.
I sat down as delicately as I could and picked up her hand. Her fingernails were all broken off and tattered and there were black finger marks from her wrist to her elbow. Whatever Oliver had inflicted on her, she had fought back like a champ. It was never easy to see anyone like this, let alone someone that was important to you.
“I’m so glad you guys had each other while this was going on.” Her voice was scratchy and sounded like it took a whole lot of effort to make it work. She squinted at me out of her puffy eyes and I could see her sincerity and her heart shining back at me. “I know this had to be pretty hard for both of you.”
I never wanted to lose anyone I loved ever again, but this incident, this act of senseless violence and maliciousness, made it very clear that no matter what choices I made, fate very well might have other plans and loss was just a part of life. It was a far better idea to enjoy the time I had with those that matter than it was to obsess and worry over what would happen when that time ran out.
“All that matters is that you’re okay and that we get to take you home.”
She turned her head to look at Salem and then let her battered eyes drift shut. “I don’t even know where home is anymore. That’s what Oliver kept saying to me: ‘You belong at home with me.’ What kind of home looks like this?” I saw her tremble and saw Salem’s spine go stiff.
“Home is where there are people that love you and need you. Home is where you belong no matter what your faults are or what your life looks like to others. Home is where you can leave but always know it’s there to go back to. Poppy, home is where I am. Home is where Rowdy is. You’re coming back to Denver with us so we can take care of you and get you some help.”
That was the final fight. Salem wasn’t going to let it all rest until she had it out with her father for the final time. She was going to cut the ties, break the strings that kept her and Poppy tied to the past, break them for good. She was going to go back to Loveless.
Everything inside of me wanted to demand that she let me go with her. I wanted to be her dragon slayer, her offensive line, but I knew I had to let her go alone. I had to let her go so she could come back. I had to let her do it alone because it wasn’t my fight. I would take care of Poppy and make sure she was okay while Salem did her best to set them both free.
Poppy didn’t have the energy to argue or talk much more. I knew Salem was going to want to stay at her side, so I left the two of them alone and went to update everyone back home about what was going on. The troops did what they always did and rallied. Rule and Nash told me not to worry about work. Cora asked me if I needed her to pack up the baby and drive down to New Mexico. Ayden told me she would go get the dog and was stunned when I told her my sister already had him. That was going to have to go on the top of the to-do list when I got back to D-town. Everyone was going to have to meet Sayer, since she was obviously going to be a big part of my life moving forward.
It took two more days until Poppy was released and the police were done with her. By that time we were all ready to be back home. Poppy was sick of being poked and prodded and the constant reminders of what had happened to her. She was also arguing vehemently with Salem about her plan to return to Loveless and confront their father. Poppy just wanted her to let it go, but Salem was adamant that she was going to get Poppy’s things and have some final words with their dad. I was trying to stay out of it because I saw both sides of the argument and I knew there was no stopping Salem once she had her mind made up about something. In fact I was going to fly home with Poppy and get her situated while Salem was renting an SUV and driving to Loveless from New Mexico. It was a situation that had both sisters uneasy for different reasons.
On the day Poppy was finally discharged we were standing in front of the hospital waiting for the taxi to take us to the airport and I could tell Salem had something on her mind. She was fidgety, playing with her hair, and wouldn’t look me directly in the eye. After five minutes I had had enough and hauled her to me by her upper arms so that we were eye to eye. I kissed her on the tip of the nose while she dangled there and told her softly,
“Stop it.”
She scowled at me and swatted my bicep as I put her back down on her feet. “Stop what?”
“Whatever you’re thinking. Just stop. I’m trusting you to come back. You gotta trust me that I’m just taking care of my family. Your crystal ball shows us, remember?”
She made a face at me and sighed. “I know. She’s just so broken and you’re just so sweet and want to make everything better. I just had a brief flash of doubt is all. I know you’re the best person to help her heal right now. You’re the only person I trust with her.”
I bent so I could kiss her on her sassy mouth. She always tasted like the best of everything. I loved the way she just melted into me and the way her tongue twisted and curled along mine. I pulled back and rested my forehead against hers.
“You know how you said you wanted to still be the first at some things so you could surprise me?”
She laughed a little and nodded, bumping our heads together. “There is a really important first I want you to do for me while you’re in Texas.”
She pulled back so we were staring at each other and I think she had to have seen in my gaze how important my request was because she agreed without me even telling her what it was.
“I’ll do whatever you want me to, Rowdy.”
I gave her a lopsided grin and explained to her what I needed for her to do for me. By the time I was done, we both had tears in our eyes and needed to hold on to one another for just a second.
The doors behind us whooshed open and Poppy was wheeled out looking like a shattered doll. I would help her heal and so would everyone else in my errant family. We were made up of the fragmented and damaged and it was only together that we learned the value of ourselves and what unconditional love and acceptance looked like. It was the perfect place for Poppy to forget about the past and find her peace and her future.
I helped load one Cruz sister into the taxi and kissed the other one good-bye with everything I had in me. It was oddly reminiscent of ten years ago. Once again I was taking care of Poppy and watching Salem go off to do her own thing. Only I knew this time it had a different ending, and instead of cursing fate and bad luck, I was thanking both of those things for bringing these women into my life for better or worse.
Whatever happened from here on out, I would always be grateful for every single moment I had with everyone I loved.
CHAPTER 20
Salem
I HADN’T STEPPED FOOT inside of a church since I left Loveless a lifetime ago. I didn’t have anything against religion. I believed that faith and the trust in something bigger than yourself was an important part of people making peace with how hard and trying life could be at times, but leaving my old life behind also meant leaving behind hours spent in a pew listening to my father piously lead his congregation.
It was an odd feeling to be back as an adult. It felt different knowing I could get up and leave at any point in the sermon that I wanted to. Now that I was out from under his control, lived a full life beyond him and this town, his w
ords seemed so hollow. Where I always thought my father was full of religious conviction and driven by faith, as I watched him at the pulpit now I wondered if it was all just an act.
Sure he was just as passionate as he always had seemed. His words echoed from the wooden rafters and the people surrounding me were obviously moved, but there was something there, something I could see clearly now that time had passed, and he no longer seemed so intimidating or all-powerful like he had to my young eyes. His smile was just a little too bright. His eyes were just a little bit too wide and the cadence of his voice was just a little too practiced and theatrical to ring true. All his words about love and respect, about doing God’s work and living a life of sacrifice, hit a chord in me as I realized he was very much preaching “do as I say and not as I do.” It was hypocritical and I wished instead of being wrapped up in my own misery at home when I was younger I could have seen him and his dictates for what they were. I felt like it probably could have saved me from making a lot of mistakes along the way.
My mom had caught sight of me when I entered at the beginning of the service and took a seat in the back. She kept shooting nervous looks over her shoulder at me like she was worried I was going to jump to my feet at any given moment and lay all my family’s sins bare for all of the loyal parishioners to judge. I just kept smiling at her with a lot of teeth. I didn’t see any reason to put her mind at ease, not after the way she had sold Poppy out to a murderous creep under the guise of trying to do what was best for her. Every time she caught my eye, she gulped and nervously looked back at my father.
I figured he knew I was there as well. His entire sermon centered on forgiveness and sin. The sins of the body. The sins of the mind. The sins of the well-meaning and the sins of parents and children. He talked a good game about nothing in this world being unforgivable by God and then turned my stomach when he offered a prayer for Oliver Martinez and reminded everyone sitting inside the picture-perfect, small-town church that it was only up to God to forgive and judge Oliver for his misdeeds. Not one word about Poppy or the horror she had suffered and he most definitely didn’t mention that he was the primary reason Oliver had found my sister in the first place.
I wanted to get up and march up the aisle to the front of the church and knock him off the altar. I wanted to stand on the pew and scream that all these innocent people were listening to a fraud and that my father really thought his opinion and his beliefs were just as important as the deity he claimed was the only one that could sit in judgment. I didn’t do anything. I sat there with my arms crossed over my chest and watched him through narrowed eyes.
I knew he was trying to get a rise out of me in front of all of these people he considered his sheep, his blind followers. He had long since declared me an embarrassment, a loss, a wayward soul that was godless and not worthy of his guidance and tutelage, so I wasn’t about to prove him right in any way, shape, or form.
My phone vibrated from where I had it stashed and I pulled it out to glance at the text.
Love you.
It was simple. It was sweet. It was a reminder that after this was all said and done, I had somewhere to go. I had someone that would always want me. I had never returned to anything or anyone in my entire life, so it sent warm and gooey threads of love and happiness shooting all through me so that I absolutely couldn’t wait to get back home. I wanted to get back to Rowdy. The days I had to spend apart from him felt years longer than the decade we had previously spent separated.
I missed him. I was worried about my sister. I wanted to cuddle with my dog. I wanted to get back to work, and as much as it surprised me, I really missed the crystal-clear Colorado sky. I had found my place and it would take a real act of God to remove me from it now. I sent him back the return sentiment and stood up as the service ended with a final prayer and everyone started to file out.
Exiting church took forever. Everyone had to say hello. Everyone had to stop and shake my father’s hand and tell him how much they appreciated his kind words and giving nature. I had to literally bite my tongue when more than one person muttered under their breath about the shock that they had felt about what had happened with Oliver and my sister. The sympathy the churchgoers so readily offered my father and mother as they told them to stay strong during this trying time made me see red. The fact that the lunatic that had held my sister hostage, put a gun to her head, and beat her senseless more than once had been so skilled at hiding all of his evilness while my sister suffered alone and in silence made my insides boil with rage. The injustice of it all left a vile taste in my mouth and had fury coiling tight along my spine.
Rowdy had gotten Poppy home without incident, but once they were in Denver, my sister had started to break down. She was a mess and Rowdy was at a loss as to how to help her. Poppy didn’t want to be at my apartment, she didn’t want to be alone with him at his place, so out of desperation Rowdy had called Sayer and asked her to take both of them in until I got home. Luckily Sayer had plenty of room at her Victorian and she was well versed in how to handle my sister in her fragile state. Sayer Cole was turning out to be a lifesaver, and the fact that she had dropped everything to pursue the same man I had pursued was undeniably fortuitous, and I was so grateful she had found her way into our lives. Rowdy’s endless prophesizing that all things happened for a reason really did seem to be true. There was a lot of really nasty stuff and a lot of really ugly bumps in the road we had all had to overcome, but in the end it really felt like all of us had ended up exactly where we were supposed to be. For me, I knew without a doubt that was wherever Rowdy was at, but I felt like it rang true for Poppy and Sayer as well.
I was the last one to leave. I felt like I was saying good-bye to this life and this place the right way this time. I wasn’t running in a blind panic. I wasn’t sacrificing all the good that was in my life just to escape the bad. I was leaving on my own terms and taking a stand to prevent any of the evil that lived here from reaching out and getting its tentacles into me and my sister ever again.
I smoothed my hair down. Tugged at the hem of my shirt and took a deep breath. I wasn’t nervous so much as I was anxious and ready for it to all be over with. I had to squint into the sun when I exited the church doors. My mother and father were standing on the top step waving to the last of the parishioners as they exited the parking lot for the rest of their Sunday afternoon. I flinched away when my mom reached out a hand to touch me. After ten years . . . it had been so long, they looked older and far less impressive than I remembered. I saw my dad’s eyes skate over all the tattooed skin that was exposed by my white, ruffled top and immediately saw the censure and disgust rise up in his gaze.
“It wasn’t bad enough that you desecrated our home with your lack of morals and lack of respect, you had to go and violate your body in an unholy way as well?” He shook his dark head at me like I really had shamed him in some unforgivable way. “Why am I not surprised?”
At another point in time that dig would’ve stung. It would have made me feel guilty for the choice to wear art on my body and for claiming my skin as my own, but now I saw it for what it was, a desperate attempt to belittle me, a way to exert his control and put me back under his disapproving thumb. I lifted an eyebrow at him and looked back and forth between him and my mom.
“I didn’t think you would want to do this here on the steps of the church, where any of your followers might happen by, but that’s fine by me. I don’t have anything to hide. Can you say the same thing, Dad?”
I saw my mom start out of the corner of my eye and saw my dad’s shoulder tense just a fraction. My mom reached out again and this time I let her fingers land on my forearm.
“It’s been ten years, Salem. This is not a proper homecoming.”
I laughed, an actual laugh, and shook her off. “No, and that’s because this has never been any kind of home.” I tucked some of my hair behind my ears and glared hard at both of them.
“You ran me out of town on purpose when I was too young to
know any better. You made it impossible for me to stay, and as a result you destroyed Poppy and you forced me to leave the only boy I ever loved behind.” I poked my dad squarely in the center of his chest and saw the way his eyes flared with veritable hatred for me. “I see it now. You knew I wasn’t going to break, wasn’t going to come to heel, so you made it so that I couldn’t stay and would never come back. Well, I’ll hand it to you, you won that round, Dad.”
He scoffed at me and wrapped his arm around my mother’s shoulders. I thought I saw her flinch but I wasn’t about to break eye contact with him, so I couldn’t be sure.
“You were willful and godless. You were wrapped up in a boy that was too young and had no family. There was no good in you, Salem. It was the best thing for this family for you to go out on your own. Your sister would have fallen victim to your heathen ways.”
I rolled my eyes. “My heathen ways led me to a wonderful career, a life full of great friends, and put me back on the path to the guy you forced me away from. My heathen ways led me to exactly where I was always supposed to be. You turned your daughter, your own flesh and blood, into a victim, into a shell of herself, because she was so scared of disappointing you. You nearly got her killed. How do you think your parishioners would feel about that, Dad?”
He tilted his chin defiantly and looked down his nose at me. He would never give in, never admit what he had done was wrong. Not when it came to me or to Poppy, but there was fear there. I saw it in the way his mouth tightened and the way he paled just a fraction. I could pull the mask off and everyone would see who he really was. I had the upper hand but he still knew how to dig his way under my skin.
“Poppy made many mistakes. She had a penance to pay.” The blame would always fall on someone else.
The rage that was riding me so hard burst bright and hot between my eyes. I wanted to smack him across his smug face. Instead I curled my fingers into my palms and dug in so hard that I drew blood.