In the next Place, there are so many Sorts of Fools, such an infinite Variety of Fools, and so hard it is to know the Worst of the Kind, that I am oblig’d to say, No Fool, Ladies, at all, no kind of Fool; whether a mad Fool, or a sober Fool, a wise Fool,13 or a silly Fool; take any thing but a Fool; nay, be any thing, be even an Old Maid, the worst of Nature’s Curses, rather than take up with a Fool.
But to leave this a-while, for I shall have Occasion to speak of it again; my Case was particularly hard, for I had a Variety of foolish Things complicated in this unhappy Match.
First, and which, I must confess, is very unsufferable, he was a conceited Fool, Tout Opiniatre,14 every thing he said, was Right, was Best, and was to the Purpose, whoever was in Company, and whatever was advanc’d by others, tho’ with the greatest Modesty imaginable; and yet when he came to defend what he had said, by Argument and Reason, he would do it so weakly, so emptily, and so nothing to the Purpose, that it was enough to make any-body that heard him, sick and asham’d of him.
Secondly, He was positive and obstinate, and the most positive in the most simple and inconsistent Things, such as were intollerable to bear.
These two Articles, if there had been no more, qualified him to be a most unbearable Creature for a Husband; and so it may be suppos’d at first Sight, what a kind of Life I led with him: However, I did as well as I could, and held my Tongue, which was the only Victory I gain’d over him; for when he would talk after his own empty rattling Way with me, and I would not answer, or enter into Discourse with him on the Point he was upon, he would rise up in the greatest Passion imaginable, and go away; which was the cheapest Way I had to be deliver’d.
I could enlarge here much, upon the Method I took to make my Life passable and easie with the most incorrigible Temper in the World; but it is too long, and the Articles too trifling: I shall mention some of them as the Circumstances I am to relate, shall necessarily bring them in.
After I had been Married about four Years, my own Father died, my Mother having been dead before; he lik’d my Match so ill, and saw so little Room to be satisfied with the Conduct of my Husband, that tho’ he left me 5000 Livres, and more at his Death, yet he left it in the Hands of my Elder Brother, who running on too rashly in his Adventures, as a Merchant, fail’d, and lost not only what he had, but what he had for me too; as you shall hear presently.
Thus I lost the last Gift of my Father’s Bounty, by having a Husband not fit to be trusted with it; there’s one of the Benefits of marrying a Fool.
Within two Years after my own Father’s Death, my Husband’s Father also died, and, as I thought, left him a considerable Addition to his Estate, the whole Trade of the Brewhouse, which was a very good one, being now his own.
But this Addition to his Stock was his Ruin, for he had no Genius to Business; he had no Knowledge of Accounts; he bustled a little about it indeed, at first, and put on a Face of Business, but he soon grew slack; it was below him to inspect his Books, he committed all that to his Clerks and Book-Keepers; and while he found Money in Cash to pay the Malt-Man, and the Excise, and put some in his Pocket, he was perfectly easie and indolent, let the main Chance go how it would.
I foresaw the Consequence of this, and attempted several times to perswade him to apply himself to his Business; I put him in Mind how his Customers complain’d of the Neglect of his Servants on one hand, and how abundance Broke in his Debt,15 on the other hand, for want of the Clerk’s Care to secure him, and the like; but he thrust me by, either with hard Words, or fraudulently, with representing the Cases otherwise than they were.
However, to cut short a dull Story, which ought not to be long, he began to find his Trade sunk, his Stock declin’d, and that, in short, he could not carry on his Business, and once or twice his Brewing Utensils were extended for16 the Excise; and the last Time he was put to great Extremities to clear them.
This allarm’d him, and he resolv’d to lay down his Trade; which, indeed, I was not sorry for; foreseeing that if he did not lay it down in Time, he would be forc’d to do it another Way, namely, as a Bankrupt. Also I was willing he should draw out while he had something left, lest I should come to be stript at Home, and be turn’d out of Doors with my Children; for I had now five Children by him; the only Work (perhaps) that Fools are good for.
I thought myself happy when he got another Man to take his Brewhouse clear off of his Hands; for paying down a large Sum of Money, my Husband found himself a clear Man, all his Debts paid, and with between Two and Three Thousand Pound in his Pocket; and being now oblig’d to remove from the Brewhouse, we took a House at—, a Village about two Miles out of Town; and happy I thought myself, all things consider’d, that I was got off clear, upon so good Terms; and had my handsome Fellow had but one Cap full of Wit, I had been still well enough.
I propos’d to him either to buy some Place with the Money, or with Part of it, and offer’d to join my Part to it, which was then in Being, and might have been secur’d; so we might have liv’d tollerably, at least, during his Life. But as it is the Part of a Fool to be void of Council, so he neglected it, liv’d on as he did before, kept his Horses and Men, rid every Day out to the Forest a Hunting, and nothing was done all this while; but the Money decreas’d apace, and I thought I saw my Ruin hastening on, without any possible Way to prevent it.
I was not wanting with all that Perswasions and Entreaties could perform, but it was all fruitless; representing to him how fast our Money wasted, and what would be our Condition when it was gone, made no Impression on him; but like one stupid, he went on, not valuing all that Tears and Lamentations could be suppos’d to do; nor did he abate his Figure or Equipage, his Horses or Servants, even to the last, till he had not a Hundred Pound left in the whole World.
It was not above three Years that all the Ready-Money was thus spending off; yet he spent it, as I may say, foolishly too, for he kept no valuable Company neither; but generally with Huntsmen and Horse-Coursers, and Men meaner than himself, which is another Consequence of a Man’s being a Fool; such can never take Delight in Men more wise and capable than themselves; and that makes them converse with Scoundrels, drink Belch17 with Porters, and keep Company always below themselves.
This was my wretched Condition, when one Morning my Husband told me, he was sensible he was come to a miserable Condition, and he would go and seek his Fortune somewhere or other; he had said something to that Purpose several times before that, upon my pressing him to consider his Circumstances, and the Circumstances of his Family before it should be too late: But as I found he had no Meaning in any thing of that Kind, as indeed, he had not much in any thing he ever said; so I thought they were but Words of Course18 now: When he said he wou’d be gone, I us’d to wish secretly, and even say in my Thoughts, I wish you wou’d, for if you go on thus, you will starve us all.
He staid, however, at home all that Day, and lay at home that Night; early the next Morning he gets out of Bed, goes to a Window which look’d out towards the Stables, and sounds his French Horn, as he call’d it; which was his usual Signal to call his Men to go out a hunting.
It was about the latter-end of August, and so was light yet at five a-Clock, and it was about that Time that I heard him and his two Men go out and shut the Yard-Gates after them. He said nothing to me more than as usual when he us’d to go out upon his Sport; neither did I rise, or say any thing to him that was material, but went to-sleep again after he was gone, for two Hours, or thereabouts.
It must be a little surprizing to the Reader to tell him at once, that after this, I never saw my Husband more; but to go farther, I not only never saw him more, but I never heard from him, or of him, neither of any or either of his two Servants, or of the Horses, either what became of them, where, or which Way they went, or what they did, or intended to do, no more than if the Ground had open’d and swallow’d them all up, and no-body had known it; except as hereafter.
I was not, for the first Night or two, at-all surpriz’d, no nor very much the fi
rst Week or two, believing that if any thing Evil had befallen them, I should soon enough have heard of that; and also knowing that as he had two Servants and three Horses with him, it would be the strangest Thing in the World that any thing could befal them all, but that I must some time or other hear of them.
But you will easily allow, that as Time run on a Week, two Weeks, a Month, two Months, and so on, I was dreadfully frighted at last, and the more when I look’d into my own Circumstances, and consider’d the Condition in which I was left; with five Children, and not one Farthing Subsistance for them, other than about seventy Pound in Money, and what few Things of Value I had about me, which, tho’ considerable in themselves, were yet nothing to feed a Family, and for a length of Time too.
What to do I knew not, nor to whom to have recourse; to keep in the House where I was, I could not, the Rent being too great; and to leave it without his Order, if my Husband should return, I could not think of that neither; so that I continued extremely perplex’d, melancholly, and discourag’d, to the last Degree.
I remain’d in this dejected Condition near a Twelvemonth. My Husband had two Sisters, who were married, and liv’d very well, and some other near Relations that I knew of, and I hop’d would do something for me; and I frequently sent to these, to know if they could give me any Account of my vagrant Creature; but they all declar’d to me in Answer, That they knew nothing about him; and after frequent sending, began to think me troublesome, and to let me know they thought so too, by their treating my Maid with very slight and unhandsome Returns to her Inquiries.
This grated hard, and added to my Affliction, but I had no recourse but to my Tears, for I had not a Friend of my own left me in the World: I should have observ’d, that it was about half a Year before this Elopement of my Husband, that the Disaster I mention’d above befel my Brother; who Broke,19 and that in such bad Circumstances, that I had the Mortification to hear not only that he was in Prison, but that there would be little or nothing to be had by Way of Composition.20
Misfortunes seldom come alone: This was the Forerunner of my Husband’s Flight; and as my Expectations were cut off on that Side, my Husband gone, and my Family of Children on my Hands, and nothing to subsist them, my Condition was the most deplorable that Words can express.
I had some Plate21 and some Jewels, as might be supposed, my Fortune and former Circumstances consider’d; and my Husband, who had never staid to be distress’d, had not been put to the Necessity of rifling me, as Husbands usually do in such Cases; But as I had seen an End of all the Ready-Money, during the long Time I had liv’d in a State of Expectation for my Husband, so I began to make away one Thing after another, till those few Things of Value which I had, began to lessen apace, and I saw nothing but Misery and the utmost Distress before me, even to have my Children starve before my Face; I leave any one that is a Mother of Children, and has liv’d in Plenty and good Fashion, to consider and reflect, what must be my Condition: As to my Husband, I had now no Hope or Expectation of seeing him any more; and, indeed, if I had, he was the Man, of all the Men in the World, the least able to help me, or to have turn’d his hand to the gaining one Shilling towards lessening our Distress; he neither had the Capacity or the Inclination; he could have been no Clerk, for he scarce wrote a legible Hand; he was so far from being able to write Sence, that he could not make Sence of what others wrote; he was so far from understanding good English, that he could not spell good English: To be out of all Business was his Delight; and he wou’d stand leaning against a Post for half an Hour together, with a Pipe in his Mouth, with all the Tranquillity in the World, smoaking, like Dryden’s Countryman that Whistled as he went, for want of Thought;22 and this even when his Family was, as it were starving, that little he had wasting, and that we were all bleeding to Death; he not knowing, and as little considering, where to get another Shilling when the last was spent.
This being his Temper, and the Extent of his Capacity, I confess I did not see so much Loss in his parting with me, as at first I thought I did; tho’ it was hard and cruel, to the last Degree in him, not giving me the least Notice of his Design; and, indeed, that which I was most astonish’d at, was, that seeing he must certainly have intended this Excursion some few Moments at least, before he put it in Practice, yet he did not come and take what little Stock of Money we had left; or at least, a Share of it, to bear his Expence for a little while, but he did not; and I am morally certain he had not five Guineas23 with him in the World, when he went away: All that I cou’d come to the Knowledge of, about him, was, that he left his Hunting-Horn, which he call’d the French Horn, in the Stable, and his Hunting Saddle, went away in a handsome Furniture,24 as they call it, which he used sometimes to Travel with; having an embroidered Housing, a Case of Pistols, and other things belonging to them; and one of his Servants had another Saddle with Pistols, though plain; and the other a long Gun; so that they did not go out as Sportsmen, but rather as Travellers: What Part of the World they went to, I never heard for many Years.
As I have said, I sent to his Relations, but they sent me short and surly Answers; nor did any one of them offer to come to see me, or to see the Children, or so much as to enquire after them, well perceiving that I was in a Condition that was likely to be soon troublesome to them: But it was no Time now to dally with them, or with the World; I left off sending to them, and went myself among them; laid my Circumstances open to them, told them my whole Case, and the Condition I was reduc’d to, begg’d they would advise me what Course to take, laid myself as low as they could desire, and intreated them to consider that I was not in a Condition to help myself, and that without some Assistance, we must all inevitably perish: I told them, that if I had had but one Child, or two Children, I would have done my Endeavour to have work’d for them with my Needle, and should only have come to them to beg them to help me to some Work, that I might get our Bread by my Labour; but to think of one single Woman not bred to Work, and at a Loss where to get Employment, to get the Bread of five Children, that was not possible, some of my Children being young too, and none of them big enough to help one another.
It was all one, I receiv’d not one Farthing of Assistance from any-body, was hardly ask’d to sit down at the two Sisters’ Houses, nor offer’d to Eat or Drink at two more near Relations. The Fifth, an Ancient Gentlewoman, Aunt-in-Law to my Husband, a Widow, and the least able also of any of the rest, did, indeed, ask me to sit down, gave me a Dinner, and refresh’d me with a kinder Treatment than any of the rest; but added the melancholly Part, viz: That she would have help’d me, but that, indeed, she was not able; which, however, I was satisfied was very true.
Here I reliev’d myself with the constant Assistant of the Afflicted, I mean Tears; for, relating to her how I was received by the other of my Husband’s Relations, it made me burst into Tears, and I cry’d vehemently for a great while together, till I made the good old Gentlewoman cry too several times.
However, I came home from them all without any Relief, and went on at home till I was reduc’d to such inexpressible Distress, that it is not to be describ’d: I had been several times after this at the old Aunt’s; for I prevail’d with her to promise me to go and talk with the other Relations; at least, that, if possible, she could bring some of them to take off the Children, or to contribute something towards their Maintenance; and, to do her Justice, she did use her Endeavour with them, but all was to no Purpose, they would do nothing, at least that Way: I think, with much Entreaty, she obtain’d by a kind of Collection among them all, about eleven or twelve Shillings in Money; which, tho’ it was a present Comfort, was yet not to be nam’d as capable to deliver me from any Part of the Load that lay upon me.
There was a poor Woman that had been a kind of a Dependant upon our Family, and who I had often, among the rest of the Relations, been very kind to; my Maid put it into my Head one Morning to send to this poor Woman, and to see whether she might not be able to help, in this dreadful Case.
I must remember it here, to the
Praise of this poor Girl, my Maid, that tho’ I was not able to give her any Wages, and had told her so, nay I was not able to pay her the Wages that I was in Arrears to her, yet she would not leave me; nay, and as long as she had any Money, when I had none, she would help me out of her own; for which, tho’ I acknowleg’d her Kindness and Fidelity, yet it was but a bad Coin that she was paid in at last, as will appear in its Place.
AMY, (for that was her Name) put it into my Thoughts to send for this poor Woman to come to me, for I was now in great Distress, and I resolv’d to do so; but just the very Morning that I intended it, the old Aunt, with the poor Woman in her Company, came to see me; the good old Gentlewoman was, it seems, heartily concern’d for me, and had been talking again among those People, to see what she could do for me; but to very little Purpose.
You shall judge a little of my present Distress by the Posture25 she found me in: I had five little Children, the Eldest was under ten Years old, and I had not one Shilling in the House to buy them Victuals, but had sent Amy out with a Silver Spoon, to sell it, and bring home something from the Butcher’s; and I was in a Parlour, sitting on the Ground, with a great Heap of old Rags, Linnen, and other things about me, looking them over, to see if I had any thing among them that would Sell or Pawn for a little Money, and had been crying ready to burst myself, to think what I should do next.
At this Juncture they knock’d at the Door, I thought it had been Amy, so I did not rise up, but one of the Children open’d the Door, and they came directly into the Room where I was, and where they found me in that Posture, and crying vehemently, as above; I was surpriz’d at their coming, you may be sure, especially seeing the Person I had but just before resolv’d to send for: But when they saw me, how I look’d, for my Eyes were swell’d with crying, and what a Condition I was in as to the House, and the Heaps of Things that were about me, and especially when I told them what I was doing, and on what Occasion, they sat down like Job’s three Comforters,26 and said not one Word to me for a great while, but both of them cry’d as fast, and as heartily as I did.