***
My phone rang. I stared at the name on the screen in confusion before I put the phone to my ear.
“Allie, please come get me…” Tara moaned through her end of the phone.
“Tara? What’s going on?” I couldn’t remember the last time she’d called me, let alone at nine PM on a Friday ni—
Oh. All questions in my mind came to a halt as I remembered the exclusive party I’d heard rumors about. I didn’t know the details, since I was no longer part of the crowd invited to such events… If Tara sounded this bad already, I didn’t know if I should be mad at her bad drinking decisions or more worried about her.
“Tara, how much did you drink?” I placed my book on the nightstand and hopped off the bed.
She moaned again before answering. “I didn’t… well, I’m not drunk.”
I rolled my eyes, glancing out my window at the snow-frosted ground. “If I’m leaving my nice, warm bed to go pick you up, the least you can do is be honest with me.” Putting the phone on speaker, I pulled on a pair of tennis shoes, not caring that I was wearing sweatpants and a fitted T-shirt to complete my lazy ensemble.
“No, seriously, I promise,” Tara mumbled. “I was feeling sick all day, but I didn’t want to miss the party. Just the flu or something… Thought it’d go away…”
“Where’s Austin?”
“He’s downstairs.” I heard Tara pause to take a couple of deep breaths. “Said he’d take me home but… I don’t… want to bother hi—” The sound of the phone clattering resonated into the phone, followed by retching noises. My own gag reflex struggled not to react.
“Tara? You ok?” I waited thirty seconds. After the toilet flushed, I heard her weary voice again.
“I’m here. I’m in the bathroom upstairs. Ugh….”
I zipped on a hooded, fleece jacket. “I’ll be there soon. Just… keep your phone nearby in case you need help.”
“You’re the best, Allie,” Tara murmured. Flu aside, she must have been a little buzzed to be calling me. And I hardly expected those words to come out of her mouth anytime soon, considering the grudge she’d been holding against me. Still, we’d been friends since freshman orientation when she befriended me as a new kid. Our differences aside, I couldn’t refuse to help her. I wouldn’t do that.
An alumnus from our high school named Darren Hills was hosting the party. He was one of our Pelican baseball stars who was drafted to play with a local minor league here in Portland a couple years ago. One of Austin’s older brothers, Conner, was his best friend, which was why Austin (and the rest of the group) was invited to the party tonight.
Through the front door, I heard music blaring from inside the house. Not eager to face a rowdy crowd of college students, I hesitated just a moment longer. The front door swung open.
“Allie! See, I told you I give perfect directions,” Shane said, his voice carrying over the music. Not wanting to keep Tara on the phone, I had called Shane, and his instructions were surprisingly clear given his current condition. Shane pulled me inside the house and proceeded to embrace me with a big bear hug before swinging me around in a circle. My legs almost hit the couple loitering near the entrance.
“Ok, ok…” I said, prying his arms off me. “Put me down… yeah, thanks.” I raised my eyebrows, surprised and unsure about this interaction. It was the first time he’d been friendly to me since I’d ended our relationship. Shane grinned too big, his eyes glossy and his cheeks flushed.
Leave it to alcohol to finally smooth over our break up…
“Glad you made it!” he said, throwing an arm around my shoulder. He eyed my attire. “And you dressed up for the occasion. Nice… ”
I couldn’t help but laugh, slightly humored. “Shane, I’m not here for the party. I’m here to pick up Tara, remember?” l scanned the room, recognizing a couple of alumni from two or three years ago, but most were strangers in their early twenties. Based on the liquor line up on the table, I was surprised Shane was coherent at all. I knew he wouldn’t be before the night was over.
Shane took me upstairs, where I found Tara huddled in a corner with a hand to her head. Austin sat beside her with his eyes closed and his own head resting against the wall. With a drink in his hand, Austin didn’t look much better than Tara did. I frowned in disgust. He couldn’t have taken her home even if he had the decency to do so.
Tara opened her eyes, the olive-green hue standing out against her pale skin. I touched her heated forehead.
“Thanks for coming,” she said.
“No problem. Can you stand up?” I put out my arms and helped Tara to her feet.
“Wait. Hold on…” Tara bolted into the bathroom behind her and slammed the door shut with more energy than she appeared capable. I wiggled the handle.
“Tara, the door’s locked. Want me to come in?”
“No. Can you just wait a few minutes? I just need to sit here…”
I listened against the door but didn’t hear her throw up yet. “Ok, but just for a minute and then I’m going to get you out of here.” I kicked Austin’s shoe, and he rolled his eyes open at me. “Go get Tara a bottle of water… and one for you,” I added, taking the plastic cup from his hand and placing it on the floor. Austin groaned.
“Fine, whatever.” I was surprised he complied, but glad I didn’t have to deal with him for long.
Shane slapped Austin on the back as he passed us by. “Austin makes me look like a saint at these parties,” he joked once we were alone.
“Let’s not get carried away,” I said, looking down at the party from my position on the landing. As one of the few underage drinkers, Austin did seem worse off than most of the others in my view.
“He’s too competitive,” Shane said, catching me eying Austin. “His brother challenged him to some drinking games. You remember Conner, right?” I remembered. He was an even bigger hotshot than his younger brother was, though Austin seemingly tried his best to surpass Conner’s reputation. Shane chuckled, watching Austin stumble onto the couch, abandoning his assignment to find bottled water. “You can see how well that went.”
“Oh, yeah, like you didn’t play and lose a little, too.” I shook my head.
“And there it is.” Shane’s smile disappeared.
“What?”
“Your look of disapproval. No one else gives me those looks quite as well as you do.”
I furrowed my eyebrows, my mouth dropping open to argue. Shane’s index finger touched my lips and he stepped towards me, closing the gap between us.
“I’m kidding.” The corners of his lips turned up slightly, but he kept his gaze steady. “You were right to break up with me. It never would have worked between us for long, would it?”
I swallowed, giving a small shake of my head. Butterflies danced inside my stomach against my will. Shane’s finger slid from the top of my nose down along my profile and landed on my chin.
“The thing is," he continued, his face inching towards mine. “I kinda miss your face.” His hand cupped beneath my jaw and he brought his lips to mine—too quickly for me to resist. I closed my eyes, the familiarity of his mouth drawing me in. His kiss was like a drug, fueling me with adrenaline and desire, masking sadness and loneliness. Maybe I could enjoy this feeling for a little longer. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing…
A whiff of alcohol sharpened my senses.
My hand grabbed Shane’s wrist. “Shane…” I breathed, interrupting his lips against mine. He persisted, trying to quiet my words. “Shane,” I tried again.
‘Hmm…?”
I pulled his hand away from my face and stepped aside from his cornering stance. His body turned towards me, following my escape.
“You’re drunk.” Considering the wooziness in my head, I wondered if I had any right to criticize his state of mind when his kiss had thrown me off balance with such force.
“No, I’m not.” He tried again, bringing his forehead to mine with one hand touching the back of
my neck. His words were soft. “I just… love you.”
“Shane, come on…” I pulled away for good this time, his words snapping me out of his attractive trance. I didn’t know what love was yet, but I knew it wasn’t this feeling of uncertainty. “You and I aren’t good for each other. You want someone you can have fun with—someone like Crystal…”
Shane scoffed, mumbling her name with a roll of his eyes.
I gave him a pointed look. “Is she here?”
“Of course not.” He looked away momentarily. “I just wanted to make you jealous. I didn’t need her here.” His eyes returned to mine, pausing on my lips. “Why? Did it work?” Confidence touched his expression again, and he took another step towards me.
Jealous. Of course I’d been jealous. I didn’t want to admit it, least of all to him, that a part of me missed being with Shane. Aside from almost getting arrested a couple of times, we’d had fun together.
But he wasn’t what I needed right now. We’d been through this before.
I breathed through the flush in my cheeks, deciding to ignore the question he already knew the answer to. “Like you said before, it’s your senior year. I am not the girl you want by your side, Shane.”
His hand took mine. “Why don’t you let me worry about that?”
I searched inside myself, fighting those persistent butterflies and feeling the warmth of his touch heating my skin. Was it so bad to get wrapped up in Shane again? Had my decision been too hasty?
Shane took my moment of silence to retrieve Austin’s cup from the floor. He drained it. Catching me watching him, he tilted his head in question, waiting for my response.
I sighed and shook my head. Our needs were not the same. In some ways, we were too different.
“What?” he asked.
I took the empty cup from his hands and placed it on the banister. “You’re a distraction, Shane. You help me forget. But I’m starting to realize…” I looked down at my hands, pondering and questioning the words I was about to say. My eyes met his with understanding. “I need to remember.”
Shane frowned. “Remember what?”
I nodded, digging a little deeper inside. “Maddie. I need to remember and think about what happened that day. Really think about it.” I remembered Mr. Nordell’s words, likening my grief to Yosemite—allowing my grief to grow, and swell and change… until something beautiful and unexpected arose from it. “I need to focus on me, Shane, and not because someone is telling me to. It has to happen because I want to. And I think I’m almost ready.”
Mr. Nordell’s face popped into my mind. Last week, he had challenged me to try something out of my comfort zone. Now, to fulfill that task, I envisioned having that conversation with him about Maddie. Soon.
Shane scratched his head, his expression confused and with a shade of sudden hesitancy. He glanced down from the landing at the party below. This was obviously too heavy a topic for his Friday night.
I smiled at him, his reaction backing up my decision. I could tell a part of Shane wanted to be the guy I needed… but he wasn’t quite there yet. The rest of his carefree senior year awaited him. I put a hand on his arm. “It’s ok, Shane. I know you said we can’t be friends… but I’ll see you around school, all right?”
Shane blew out a breath of air from his nose, looking me up and down. He appeared both guilty and relieved at the same time. His gaze lingered on my lips before connecting with my eyes again. “You are too pretty to go through all of this.” He leaned in and kissed my cheek. “Definitely too pretty.”
I pressed my lips together. “Bye, Shane.”