I’d never thought about her being grateful. When she talked to or about my grandparents, who had moved to Florida after she moved to the States, it was always with a high degree of irritation.
I’d never thought about her laughing.
Carl’s torture of my eyes was the worst. I stared up into the ceiling light as Carl poked at my lower lid so much I thought I might cry. “The light bothers you?” he asked at one point. I said yes, and he made a hmmph, and didn’t change anything.
“Fini,” he said with satisfaction some time later, and turned me towards the mirror.
I looked like her.
Some of it was just tricks—the streamlining and darkening of my brows, the highlighting of cheekbones until they looked sharper than usual, the pink gloss on my lips, when I only ever wore nude and Chapstick. But mostly it came from the way he’d done my eyes, just like he’d done my mother’s eyes, when she was even younger than me. They looked the same, heavily done up in black, the lashes sooty, the shadows silvery. My eyes were huge in a face that looked poreless: huge and strange and familiar. With so much liner surrounding them, they seemed separated from me—this all seemed separated from me.
I spun my chair to look at Mike.
He looked back steadfastly. With anyone else, I might have made a joke about looking ridiculous or how a football player was probably used to glammed up model makeup.
With Mike, I just offered a small lift of my shoulders.
And he smiled that perfect crooked smile. “You look like the goddess of wisdom and war. ”
Some strange, deep emotion welled up, something I couldn’t name but that stirred in my chest and made the back of my eyes feel bright with almost-tears. Warm wind seemed to brush the back of my neck.
I reached out a hand to Mike, and he caught it. I swallowed and turned to Carl. “Thank you. ”
He smiled. “She was my favorite, ta mere. Light and laughter. You must tell her to come back and visit. Tell her she is missed. ”
* * *
“Hi, Mom. ”
“Darling?” I could hear rustling in the background. Was she still in bed? “Good morning. Oh, no, what’s the time over there? Afternoon?”
I only ever heard my mother’s accent in the first seconds of a phone call. Never in person, and never for more than half a minute on the phone. But for those thirty seconds I could hear a faint, lilting mesh of European accents, based on Russian, smoothed over by French. Then she went back to sounding like Mom. “Yeah, it’s almost four. ”
“So what are you doing?” More rustling, like she was getting comfortable. “You’re not working today, are you?”
“Uh, no. ” I glanced out our hotel window at the courtyard. I couldn’t see Mike, who I knew was snacking down below to give me privacy, but instead saw the pale green roof and a black cat creeping along it. It stopped to stare at me with unblinking yellow eyes, and I thought of the Art Nouveau poster of Le Chat Noir. Remembered it was a cabernet house from the nineteenth century. Wondered if my mother had gone to any of the clubs up in Montmartre. “I’m actually in Paris. ”
“What?” Her voice rose, and I heard a door open and close. I imagined her moving into the dining room, settling at the kitchen counter, kept impeccably clean by the twice-a-week cleaning staff. “What are you doing there?”
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“Well, uh, I told you about Mike, right? The guy who owns Kilkarten? Well, we thought we’d travel for the weekend, so we’re here. ” I swallowed. “Actually, we went to your old housing. I met this guy named Carl. ”
She didn’t speak for a long time, and when she did, she sounded absolutely stunned. “Wow, Carl. That brings me back. ”
In the dusk, the window slowly darkened. My reflection brightened, a ghost before the alley, my strange eyes limned in the glass. “Actually—it’s sort of funny—he did my makeup. ” I laughed awkwardly.
Another pause. “Oh, Natalya. You must look beautiful. ”
I swallowed. “Well, you know me. It’s not really my thing. ”
“I know. ”
My ear hurt, so I switched hands, and tried to keep myself from nervously pressing the phone flat against my head. “I look like you. I always thought I looked more like Dad, but I guess a lot of it’s just how you’re made up. ”
Her voice softened. “Do you remember when you were little? And I used to take you to Sherri’s and she would do both of our faces?”
“That was weird, Mom. I was way too young. ”
She didn’t respond.
I shifted uneasily. “You know what I mean. I didn’t want to do any of that stuff. The makeup or the dresses. ”
“I know. I just thought. . . You were so beautiful. ”
“You’re my mom. You weren’t supposed to think I needed makeup to be beautiful. ”
“Oh, Natalie. Oh, I don’t. ”
“I know. I just. . . And then it’s so weird here. ”
“Are you crying?”
“No. ” I pressed my fingers to the corners of my eyes and tried to soak up the water. “And ruin all of Carl’s work?”
“Will you send me pictures?”
“Pictures?” I laughed shakily. “Why?”
“I don’t know. I’d like to see you. I bet you look all grown up. ”
“I am grown up. ”
“I know. ”
“Anyways. ” I cleared my throat. “How are you?”
“Good. Good. Nothing new. ”
“How’s Dad?”
“He’s working. ”
Dad was always working. “Are you being social? Have you got lunch with Linda or Janice lately?”
“Linda and I are meeting tomorrow, yes. ”
A silence fell, and I took a deep breath, trying to suck it away, tired of all the silences that always formed. “Mom, I’m really sorry if I didn’t appreciate it when you took me out. I know it was how you bonded. I just—I didn’t know that then. I wanted to play catch. ”
“I know. You always wanted to be one of the boys. I never forgave your father for not including you more. ”
“Carl was talking about how happy you were here, and I guess—I don’t know, I want you to be happy. Mike’s mom has some—weird issues with her late husband’s old girlfriend, and they’re all messed up, and I don’t want us to be messed up, and I’m sorry if I was judgmental and a bad daughter. ”
“Natalie. Natalie, slow down. You’re not a bad daughter. ”
“Are you happy? Were you really happy here?”
She was silent for a minute, and when she spoke she sounded far away. “I remember Paris with rose-tinted glasses, so what do I know? But what I remember was wonderful. And that’s enough for me. ” She cleared her throat. “Sometimes I worry you like that feeling too. But so much that you move around quickly, so that you can always be looking back at something with fondness. ”
I bit my lip. “I’ve been sort of thinking about that. And I was thinking that if this works out—I really like it in Kilkarten. Of course, it’s impossible to know anything until it happens, but I think I would be happy to have that and New York. I don’t think I would need anything else. Right now, I don’t even want it. ” I saw the clock. Almost dinner. “I should go. But Carl said to tell you to come visit. He said you were missed. ” I paused. “I miss you, Mom. ”
“I miss you too, sweetheart. I’ll see you in two months. ”
* * *
I clicked off and went downstairs. Mike sat in the miniscule courtyard, eating rolls dotted with large sugar crystals like popcorn. I dropped down in the wicker chair beside him.
“Thank you for taking me here. ” I felt light. Whole. Like I’d shed some weight, the burden of misconception and worry and anger and guilt. “I’ve never understood my mother. I always thought it was so horrible, being wrenched away from your family at such a young age and living where she didn’t even speak the language. And I know Mom always talked
like she liked it, but I thought that was some weird, messed up psychological thing, because how could you? But maybe she really did. I think I have a hard time admitting other people’s points of view are okay when they’re radically opposed to my own. Maybe I never even listened to her. ”
“So you made a conclusion about your parents and might have been wrong. ” He gave me that crooked smile I loved so much. “Must be crazy. ”
I tilted my head back and saw that same black cat still perched on the turret. “I think my mom’s a lot smarter than I give her credit for. ”
He started laughing. I straightened, startled.
“Join the club,” he said, and kissed me between bursts of laughter. “Join the fucking club. ”
Chapter Twenty-One
We had dinner on rue Cler, a pedestrian street made of cobblestones and tourists. We ate outside, a candle on our table, a flower shop on one side, a chocolate shop across the street. I could have sat for hours watching all the people go by: the speeding locals, the chatting shop owners, the tourists who looked from their guidebooks to one restaurant and then another.
Instead, I watched Mike.
He ordered one of every appetizer, and then talked animatedly, hands waving, eyes sparking. He told me about his friends, his teammates, the last season and his hopes for the next. They’d drafted two players that were supposed to be amazing. They’d also traded for a new linebacker.
He made me so happy.
We laughed all through dinner, and then flagged the waiter down for dessert. He looked at us with exquisite boredom. “You will take the crème caramel?”
I ventured a quick glance at Mike. Did something about us say crème caramel? “Um—I was thinking the chocolate cake. ” I looked to Mike for confirmation, and he shrugged agreeably.
The waiter’s nostrils flared. “Americans always order the crème caramel. ”
Then I definitely didn’t want it. “The cake. ”
He raised his chin and left.
Mike was already on it. “Whoa. ”
I leaned forward, trying to read his phone, and he flipped it my way. “The president had the crème caramel here. ”
“What? He came here?” I spun my head after the waiter. “Maybe we should also get the flan. ”
Mike grinned. “I thought you didn’t like being a tourist. ”
I kissed him quick. “It’s Presidential Flan. There are exceptions for everything. ”
* * *
We walked back to the hotel hand in hand. It made my heart fill, like too much had been poured into it, like it couldn’t contain all this happiness. And then we reached our street and a view of the Eiffel Tower. It started sparkling, dancing bursts of light, and I couldn’t help it, I just reached out and started kissing Mike as though I needed him more than oxygen.
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“We don’t really need to go to this party,” he said.
I laughed. “But look at my war paint! And my armor should’ve been delivered by now. We have to go. ”
The hotel had left the dress on the bed, but I ducked into the bathroom to put it on. Tiny spangles made the dress shine and sparkle. I spun and watched the dress flare. Good thing I’d brought spandex.
I really did look like my mother. I made her face, pursing my lips and letting a tiny sneer crinkle my nose as I widened my eyes at the mirror.
It was so spot on that my giggles carried a hint of shock.
Mike knocked a fist against the door. “If you’re in there all night, we really won’t get to this thing and Rach and Bri will kill me. ”
I tugged on the hem and shouted back. “It’s shorter than I thought. ”
“Good!”
I grinned and pulled the shoes out of the box. Silver pumps with a slightly narrowed point. How long had Maggie owned them? They were classic enough to fit in today, but I’d bet they’d been around at least two decades. But they fit, lifting me up to six feet. They made my legs stretch on forever and the dress danced against my thighs. At least I had damn good ones from hiking around Kilkarten.
Not quite Cinderella’s slippers, but maybe Ariel’s legs, because I sure as hell felt like a fish out of water tonight.
I pushed the door open, feeling unusually self-conscious. I started to speak for Mike’s attention, but the words dried up as I watched him fiddle with his cuffs. He looked absolutely stunning in his black formalwear. Prince Charming, if we were being thematic.
He looked up with a smile, his mouth already forming a quip, and then I watched it all fall away in surprise. His eyes lingered on my legs, and then slowly rose to my face. “You look incredible. ”
I did a little shimmy. “Kinda like a disco ball, right?”
He smiled, but his eyes stayed hooded and focused as he came toward me. His voice wasn’t much more than a murmur. “Not exactly what I was thinking. ” His arm slid around my waist and pulled me against him. I lifted my head. With the additional two inches, my lips brushed perfectly against his, and I almost considered staying in too.
But. We were meeting his friends. I drew away. “We’re already in our fancy clothes. Let’s go. ”
* * *
We took a taxi to the hotel. Mike didn’t say anything, but I saw his lips twitch as he pulled the door open. So. He remembered me making a stink about taxis that spring night in New York.
But I didn’t mind, because taking a taxi in Paris was different than in New York. It was a tour of narrowed streets and old buildings, of trees heavy with greenery and outdoor cafés. We crossed the Seine on a bridge lined with golden statues. Behind us, the Eiffel Tower rose up, bright gold against the blue dusk. “It’s like being in a movie. ”
“That’s what I thought when I first moved to New York. ”
I twisted around to see him. “You? A tried and true Bostonian?”
He lowered his head close enough that our lips almost brushed. “I didn’t say it was a good movie. ”
On the other side of the bridge, we passed palaces dressed as museums, with huge posters of artwork hanging down their sides and lines of people curving up the steps. We turned onto the Champs-élysées, that great, grand boulevard that ran through the center of the city. I caught a glimpse of the Place de la Concorde, where Marie Antoinette and countless others died, where today an obelisk from Egypt struck up into the darkening sky.
The hotel stood just outside the city limits, built sometime in the eighties when nothing was allowed to rise over a hundred and twenty one feet. Even with the new zoning laws, buildings couldn’t rise too high; nothing could ruin the famous Parisian skyline.
“Okay,” Mike said when we were in the elevator. “Here’s my technique at these things. Smile a lot. Laugh at people who need affirmation of their own cleverness. ”
“You get a lot of those?”
He looked vaguely suffering. “It’s the entire one percent. ”
We got out of the elevator into a room of low lights and voices, lower couches, and a sweeping glass panorama of Paris. Glittering people circulated before the backdrop. A woman in black watched me with narrowed eyes. Did she know how out of place I was?
I ignored her and took in the view. The entire city was laid out in a stream of bright streaks, from the toy-sized tower to the star of avenues surrounding the Arc de Triomphe.
I’d just turned back to Mike when someone flung her arms around him. It took me a moment to recognize the sleek haired brunette in impeccable make-up and a fitted red dress as Rachael Hamilton. Her own eyes widened on seeing me. “Wow, you’re much. . . taller than I remembered. ”
I lifted a foot. “It’s the heels. Also, I think having my hair coiled at the top of my head adds to the illusion. ”
She studied me a minute longer, and then her eyes relaxed. “It’s good to see you, even if I have to crane my neck to do it. ”
Mike gave Rachael an absent pat on the back, his eyes searching the room. “I’m going go find t
he guys. ” He squeezed my hand. “Be right back. ”
We both watched him go. I felt slightly amazed. “Wow. He was super into me before we arrived and now I’ve been abandoned in the first thirty seconds. ”
Rachael laughed. “They’ve been friends a long time. I’m sure they’ll all be back in a minute. I’ll show you our table. ”
She led me over to some low couches, and Briana Harris, former star of Boomerang, a pretty decent show about the boomerang generation. She drew her eyes over me and frowned. “You don’t look how I remember. ”
I was surprised she’d actually remembered me at all, given that she’d met me for half a minute outside Radio City Music Hall.
“In fact,” she said, taking a sip of wine, “You look like Tamara Bocharov. ”
Rach dropped down, and I also sat. She pushed a plate of cheese and grapes at me. “That’s because she’s Bocharov’s daughter. ”
I swiveled her way. “Did Mike tell you that?”
“No. I just have extensive Googling skills. ”
Briana sat up straight. “Why didn’t you tell me that?”
Rachael rolled her eyes. “I guess I was caught up in the ohmigod, archaeology’s awesome thing. Sorry. ” She flashed me a smile. “I’m glad you came. I thought you and Mike looked good together. ”
I was still processing that they knew about my mother, and that for once I was realizing it wasn’t as big a deal as I’d always blown it up to be. “Really?”
“Okay, not at first. But Mike had never been so tight lipped about anyone before—he sounded almost mad at you when he first mentioned you. But I’d really liked you in our two-second meeting, so I decided to experiment. ”
Bri shook her head. “Your tact is incredible. ”
“But I was right, wasn’t I? They’re here together. And when Ryan came back from minicamp, he said Mike was—” Rachael stopped and looked at me. “Well, I think I was right. ”
I was having a very surreal moment where I pictured Mike and Ryan Carter wearing their uniforms and talking about me while practicing plays. And then Ryan Carter turning around and discussing me with his girlfriend. I just could not picture that.
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Bri sighed forlornly. “Malcolm didn’t say anything. He doesn’t believe in gossip. ”
“Malcolm is obviously a better person then the rest of us. I’ve learned to live with that. ”
The two smirked at each other, their long-term friendship obvious, and I felt left out for half a heartbeat before they turned back to me. They were funny and inclusive and I relaxed, even as I noticed—or maybe imagined—people glancing my way several more times.