They thought they knew, but they didn’t.
“Don’t feed me that bullshit,” Ryder growled as his hands tightened around the steering wheel. “I’m home a lot and you still never put out. You left our bed to sleep up in Dominic’s old room, the farthest away from me that you can be in our house.”
I felt disgusted.
“Me purpose on this Earth isn’t to fuck you whenever you see fit, Ryder.”
“No,” he agreed, “but it’d be nice if I could hit it at least once a fucking week. I haven’t touched you in months. I’d settle for fucking spooning at this point.”
He spoke of me like I was nothing more than a sexual object.
“And whose fault is that?” I bellowed, throwing my hands in the air. “You’ve pulled away from me. We don’t talk, we don’t laugh, we don’t do anythin’ but fight with one another and it’s your bloody fault. You have landed us in this rut, and the sad thing is I don’t even know why! I don’t know what you do when you leave the house every night or why you’re always on your phone, and it’s pathetic that I’ve just accepted it, but I’m too tired. I fight with you all the time, I’m too exhausted to do anythin’ else.”
I turned my head and looked out the window of the car, willing the tears in my eyes not to fall. I didn’t want to cry. I was fucking sick of crying.
“I’ve told you I’m taking care of some things. That’s all you need to know.”
He had been ‘taking care of some things’ for a fucking year now; he needed to change up his response because it was getting old, and the more I heard it, the more it grated on my already worn nerves.
I closed my eyes, gutted he still wouldn’t share his secrets with me.
“I don’t believe you, Ryder,” I said quietly.
“Then I don’t know what to tell you, Branna,” he replied with agitation though he tried to cover it up with a scowl.
“How about the truth for once?” I countered. “Just tell me where you go and what you do. Please.”
His hands tightened around the steering wheel once more as we approached our street.
“I can’t tell you, you wouldn’t understand.”
I looked down to my thighs. “I can’t understand if you don’t help me to.”
Ryder grunted as he pulled into our driveway, and put the car in park. He took his keys from the ignition and said, “This is on me, okay? It’s nothing for you to worry about, and you will worry if I tell you, and I don’t want that to happen. We’re all under a lot of pressure with Big Phil still out there, and my business doesn’t need to be added to that.”
He got out of the car, closed the door, then walked up the pathway and disappeared into our house, leaving me on my own with only my thoughts for company.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I said aloud, forcing myself to hear the words I’ve silently repeated over and over these last few months.
We couldn’t continue on the path we were on. Something had to change, and in that moment I knew exactly what I had to do to start the healing process for the many wounds that had been cut open and exposed over the last few years. I had to make a change. I had to separate myself from the very being that wounded me so... even if he didn’t mean to.
I squeezed my eyes shut as pain struck. The remaining fragments of my willowed heart shattered into a million pieces as I made a life changing decision. A decision that would affect not only me, but my family and friends too. I reached out and blindingly gripped onto the dashboard of the car to stop myself from collapsing forward as I realised what I needed to do to be free.
I had to break up with Ryder.
Don’t cry.
When my alarm went off the next morning, I sat up from my temporary bed in Dominic’s old bedroom and winced. I lifted my hands to my face and sucked in a deep breath as my fingertips ran over the tender flesh under my eyes. They were slightly swollen and stung like a bitch, no doubt from crying myself to sleep the previous night.
I wanted to weep all over again when realisation hit that the sleep I eventually managed to get did absolutely nothing to change my mind about the decision I came to about Ryder, and that hurt even worse. I was hoping I would wake up and completely disregard my thoughts from the night before, but I didn’t. I was so tired of being sad, and I needed to say goodbye to Ryder to stop that hurt.
I knew leaving him would open a whole other kind of wound filled with a different hurt, but I couldn’t see a way around our current situation. Talking to him didn’t work, shouting at him didn’t work, screaming and crying didn’t work. Nothing bloody worked.
I didn’t want to argue anymore, I didn’t want to cry anymore, I didn’t want to fight anymore. I was exhausted. I was done.
“How am I goin’ to do this?” I whispered to the empty room.
I closed my eyes and wished for the billionth time that I had my mother to talk to. I desperately needed someone to guide me, and I couldn’t ask Bronagh or my friends, because it was me they came to when things went wrong, not the other way around. I was the eldest. I was never meant to lose my way; I was supposed to help others find theirs.
I was on my own.
I opened my eyes after a few moments and took a deep calming breath.
Work, I reminded myself. You have to go to work.
I would figure out how to end things with Ryder later, but right now I needed to get showered, dressed and go to work. I loved my job, which wasn’t something a lot of people could say. It wasn’t easy, and there were times I shed a lot of tears when a delivery went wrong, but nine times out of ten, I got to aid a woman bringing life into this world, and that soothed my soul.
It was the only thing in my life that kept me sane.
When I exited Dominic’s old room, I listened for any sign of movement downstairs, but I heard nothing, which told me that Ryder wasn’t home yet, or that he was still in bed. I didn’t dare venture towards our shared bedroom to check because I would be hurt either way. If he were there, I’d be reminded that I had to break up with him, and if he wasn’t, it was another reminder of why I had to break up with him.
I didn’t win either way.
I turned and went back into the room I slept in and headed for the attached en-suite. I had showered in it multiple times over the last few months, so I kept some of my products in there for times when I couldn’t sleep with Ryder, or in our bed. It was so messed up, but lately I couldn’t sleep in our bed without him because I felt lonely, and I couldn’t sleep in it with him either because his refusal to tell me what he was up to hurt too much.
It was a royally fucked up situation that I found myself in, and unfortunately the only solution I could find would kill me as much as it would Ryder.
Don’t think about it, I willed myself.
After I showered, I dressed and plated my hair back into a French braid. I flattened my palms over the front of my uniform and made sure I attached my pocket watch and nametag to my shirt. In the bathroom, I filled in my brows to darken them and applied my favourite strawberry scented moisturiser.
I never put anything else on my face when I went to work. I did back when I first started, but I quickly found that I rubbed my face and eyes a lot during my shifts and thus ruined my carefully applied makeup. Not to mention it got it all over my hands, too. It wasn’t worth the hassle so moisturising my face and filling in my brows were all I ever focused on.
I grabbed hold of my bag and put my phone and purse into it then headed downstairs, and made sure to keep all noise to a minimum. Whilst in the kitchen, I passed on breakfast and made a cup of tea instead. When I finished drinking my tea, I checked the time and cursed under my breath when I saw I was going to have to hustle to make it in time to catch the bus.
I scurried out of the kitchen, grabbed my coat from the rack in the hall, put it on then high tailed it out of the house. I shivered as the crisp October morning air surrounded me, nipping at my exposed skin. I made a mental note to buy a scarf and a pair of gloves as I walked out of the g
arden and closed the gate behind me. I turned and briskly walked in the direction of the bus stop.
I didn’t know why, but I felt as if someone’s eyes were on me so I glanced over my shoulder and when I saw no one was behind me, I looked at my house and swallowed. I locked my eyes on the window to my bedroom and saw Ryder was standing at it, shirtless, with his arms above his head. I knew he was gripping onto the curtain pole above him, but I wished he hadn’t been because it showcased his rippling torso perfectly. I could see each sculpted muscle even at a distance.
He was looking at me, I felt his gaze trained on me, but I forced myself to shrug it off. I couldn’t allow myself to become putty in his hands simply by him looking at me. I had to be strong. I had to focus on me. I turned away from my house, and Ryder, and broke out into a jog. I didn’t stop moving until I reached the bus stop down the end of the street. I got there just as the bus pulled up.
Thirty minutes later I was off the bus and walked into the Coombe Maternity Hospital. I shook off the cramp in my behind from the hard bus seats and counted myself lucky that I managed to get a seat in the morning rush. I disliked public transport, and I missed car-pooling dearly. There was a time when Ryder drove me to work before he went off for the day, but that abruptly ended when things started going south between us. Most days Ash would collect me for work and Bronagh would pick me up when my shift ended. I had recently thought about getting myself a cheap car because I hated having to depend on others or have them go out of their way for me, but money was an issue.
Ryder, and his brothers, made a considerable amount of—blood—money from their past work, but I recently learned that a bad investment with Brandon Daley left Dominic, Alec and Ryder broke. I overheard something from the brothers months ago that I shouldn’t have and brought it up to Ryder a few weeks after Aideen was hospitalised.
I found our joint account was dangerously low on funds but was quickly shut down when I asked Ryder about it. I asked where the money had gone, but he never gave me a direct answer, he just told me ‘not to worry about it, and not to talk about it’. I asked if it was something to do with Brandon or his old life, but he ended each conversation with arguing. He never allowed any talk of Brandon or his old life in our house, and enforced it with foul words.
I never countered him because I never wanted to talk about it either; it brought back too many horrifying memories, but something was going on with Ryder, and I knew it had something to do with where he went every night. It was too much of a coincidence that the brothers lost a lot of money over the last few months then for Dominic to start working for Brandon to earn an income. I didn’t know what Alec had his hand in, but I knew it wasn’t legit.
Kane made his money legitimately. I wasn’t supposed to know about it, but I overheard him and Aideen discussing expansions for his apartment complexes. I asked Ryder about it and he reluctantly filled me in on what Kane wanted to be kept private. I kept my mouth shut and pretended to be in the dark on his business ventures, but what I really wanted to do was congratulate and hug the hell out of him. He had managed to stay off the trail that Dominic, and possibly Ryder and Alec, had fallen back onto.
“Branna,” Taylor Carey beamed when I walked onto the delivery ward.
Taylor was cool. She wasn’t the type of friend I would confide in or tell my secrets to, because I didn’t know her that well, but she made the job interesting when we were on shift together. I liked her.
I lifted my head and wiggled my fingers. “Hey, Tay.”
Taylor lifted her arms over her head as she stretched and yawned.
My lip twitched. “Long shift?”
She nodded. “Busy night. There have been eight births in the last twelve hours since I came on shift at eight last night.”
I whistled. “Good for the mammies, babies and the staff. Quick labours benefit everyone.”
Taylor yawned, again. “They benefit the time passin’ for me. I can’t believe me shift is over already. I love when that happens.”
I grunted. “I can’t believe me shift is just startin’, I feel like I’ve gone twelve rounds with Mike Tyson.”
Taylor winced. “I noticed your eyes were a little puffy but I didn’t want to say anythin’. Are you okay?”
I nodded. “Just a touch of the sniffles.”
Lie.
Taylor frowned. “You shouldn’t have a busy mornin’ so you can be miserable here in peace. Rooms one and two are occupied and the women are only three and four centimetres dilated. I already noted their bloody pressure, temperature and pulse ten minutes ago so you’re solid on that for another hour before you have to check them again. Both are teenagers, so they should keep occupied with chattin’ until the others get here.”
I grinned. “I bet in an hour five or six women from the holdin’ wards will go into active labour and I’ll have me hands full.”
Taylor stood up and bumped her hip with mine. “That’s the job.”
“Aye,” I agreed.
“Is Ash on shift with you today?” she casually asked as she gathered her belongings.
I took her place on the chair behind the nurses station.
“Yeah, he should be here now,” I said as I seated myself. “We’re always on together, I can’t remember the last time I was workin’ and he wasn’t here.”
Taylor sighed, dreamingly. “I’m so jealous, he is gorgeous and so bloody funny.”
“Who is gorgeous and so bloody funny?”
I looked up when Ash spoke from behind Taylor and laughed when she spun around and almost knocked him out when her bag went airborne. Ash reacted faster than what seemed humanly possible and grabbed hold of Taylor’s bag before it hit the floor. He straightened himself then handed it back to her with a bright smile. I could see the tip of Taylor’s ears were red, so I could only imagine how flushed her cheeks were.
“We were talkin’ about Ryan Reynolds,” I said to Ash. “You know the actor who is the star of the new Deadpool film?”
Ash looked from Taylor to me and he nodded. “I know him, good actor.”
My lips twitched. “He’s gorgeous, and so bloody funny.”
Taylor turned to face me and her eyes were bugged out making me laugh. Ash looked between us, confusion marring his handsome face, but he shook his head and decided against saying whatever question was on his mind. He was a smart cookie.
“I’m gonna head off,” Taylor mumbled, avoiding eye contact with Ash who went into the break room to put his things away in his locker.
I grinned. “That amused me greatly.”
“I’m so feckin’ mortified,” she whispered, her cheeks still flushed. “Do you think he knew I was talkin’ about ‘im?”
I shook my head. “Nah, he wasn’t payin’ attention I’m sure.”
Taylor exhaled a relieved breath. “Okay, I’m gonna go before I say somethin’ else that makes me want the ground to open up and swallow me whole.”
I laughed. “See you.”
Taylor pulled a face then scurried off the ward. I got up and brought my bag and coat into the break room and placed them into my locker. I attached my phone to the clip on my trousers then I glanced at Ash who was leaning against the small kitchen counter with his arms folded across his chest and a smug grin on his face.
I raised my brows. “What’re you lookin’ at me like that for?”
“I know Taylor was talking about me, I was paying attention.”
I feigned annoyance. “You eavesdropper!”
Ash devilishly smirked. “So I’m gorgeous and so bloody funny, huh?”
I shrugged. “She thinks so.”
“And you?” he pressed. “Do you agree?”
I pretended to think about it and it caused Ash to scowl which only made me laugh louder than before. “I think you’re funny... so bloody funny,” I teased.
Ash gripped his chest. “And not gorgeous?”
I playfully rolled my eyes. “You’re alright.”
He sobered up and waggled his bro
ws. “I’m a bit of alright?”
“Yeah,” I snorted. “You’re a bit of alright.”
“I’ll take it!” He cheered.
I cringed. “You’re too energetic for this hour of the mornin’.”
Ash pointed at the kettle. “You want a cuppa to wake you up?”
I nodded. “Yes, please.”
He got to work and made me a cup of tea that had me humming as I swallowed it down. We settled behind the nurses station and greeted three other co-workers who would be working the day shift with us. Shannon, Katie, and Jada. I relaxed as they checked on the two patients that were currently on the ward.
“Anything exciting going on this month for you?” Ash asked as we flipped through the files of the two patients on the ward.
I shrugged. “Bronagh turns twenty-three on the tenth, I’m sure we’ll be doin’ somethin’ for that. You, of course, are invited to come along.”
Ash chuckled. “Thanks, but I haven’t met Ryder or his brothers yet, and from the sounds of things, I’d want to do that when everyone is sober.”
My lips twitched. “They’re all harmless. Most of the time. To us girls... maybe you shouldn’t come now that I think of it.”
Ash belly laughed, and it caused me to smile, but the smile was instantly wiped from my face when an unholy scream came from down the hallway and the buzzer for code red sounded. Both Ash and I jumped to our feet. He took off in the direction of the room that signalled the emergency along with our other colleagues while I dove for the phone.
“OR,” a male voice answered on the second ring.
“Clear an OR, stat!” I breathed. “Code red on the delivery ward. Get Doctor Harris or the actin’ chief on shift prepared for an emergency C-section. Now.”
“Damn,” the man on the phone hissed. “I’m on it.”