CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Two days of flight time left until we reach Stenchstone. It’s thankfully been very business-as-usual on-ship, with almost nothing interesting or exciting happening – except in the mess hall. After the second time his security detail blocked the entrance, the Admiral dismissed them to Lada’s team for ‘reassignment’. Once that was sorted, Cap and the Admiral became regulars there, and I’ve joined them for a couple meals myself. There’s a lot of similarity in those two old warhorses, and they’ve both regaled the staff with story time over meals and ale. For the first time, I actually understand the fifth-century dwarven feasting hall references.
I’m especially happy at how the crew has accepted Admiral Shockpaw almost like a favorite uncle. He truly is part of our weird starfield-traveling family now. Sure, he’s a bit strange about some things, and he used to be a king and all, but that’s not really much worse than any of the rest of us. Admittedly, none of the rest of us has killed a goblin king by beating him to death with a goblin assassin, but it’s all about perspective.
I’m on my way down to level three to the battalion training area to meet Cap and the Admiral now. They wanted to validate the readiness of the battalion, which will be deployed as soon as we land to stand guard against the goblin king’s army. The UCST isn’t a military organization, but we carry along a battalion of almost four hundred armed-and-armored soldiers everywhere we go. Sometimes the only way to get diplomacy out of a group is to beat it out of them, and sometimes the only way to survive on a newly-discovered world is to have a large group of steel-clad ruffians tear apart the local wildlife.
When they’re not actively squishing things, members of the battalion spend time fulfilling duties on the ship. Gimmir’s in charge of all of the commissioned staff in the battalion, which is the group most likely to continue on into actual departments like Engineering and the hospital ward, and they perform simple functions in these departments. These folk usually join the ship as a way to advance in their schooling and career choices, and joining the battalion is a cheaper way than going straight to the Academy. A little hard work covers a lot of the basics, and UCST offers battalion members lowered rates for the rest.
Simon’s in charge of the non-commissioned folk, which are mostly members of the battalion. There are a few, like Senior Chief Ironhammer in the storage bay, who have ranked high enough to move out of the battalion and into full-time positions in other departments. Most, however, start and end in the battalion. They fill their ship time cooking and cleaning in the mess hall, or managing laundry, or repairing the facilities. After they put in their ten-or-so years, they normally move off the ship and take up trade work on a homeworld. Most folk on-world look favorably on workers who started in a UCST battalion. There are always a few criminals and miscreants which sign on, but they never really last very long. You rarely hear about a ranked criminal.
Gimmir and Simon work together to manage the entire battalion, though, regardless of whose folk belong to whom. Gimmir manages strategy and his elite squads, while Simon handles tactics and individual squad training. They also occasionally pull Lada in for training exercises.
Coming up on the training room, the sound of clashing weapons grows louder. I turn the corner to the large open area and see dozens of folk sparring with each other. Swords, battle axes, flails, morningstars – the actual trade of war hasn’t changed much with the developments of other technology. A few inventions, like the spellshooter and the automatic crossbow, have been adopted into standard war parties, but otherwise not much is different because the motivations of war have changed.
War is considered more of an honorable and political tactic now, with most kings and governors using it as a way to settle a dispute or prove themselves “better” instead of using it to actually take over someone else’s land or protect against usurpers. The creation of other homeworlds always gives a group somewhere else to go if they don’t like where they are. Without the threat of war, folk on every world are safer, and only have to worry about regular street crime.
A voice behind me interrupts my contemplation.
“Ya see what I gotta deal with, Bax? Can’t turn a corner without stumblin’ into a senior officer standin’ around like she owns the place! Move yer skinny elf ass, Rylae! Important folk are tryin’ to walk here!” A burst of loud dwarven laughter follows, with a small sound of goblin chuckling.
I turn to see Cap and Admiral Shockpaw standing behind me. Cap’s laughing like he’s about to fall down, and the Admiral has his smile hidden behind a hand. I put on an indignant air and confront them with my hands on my hips.
“You probably shouldn’t double yourself over with laughter, Captain. You’re close enough to the ground as it is. Any shorter and we’ll have to have our meetings sitting on the floor. And where are these important folk? Did you bring someone invisible with you?”
Still laughing, Cap reaches up and gives me a light punch to the shoulder – I’m starting to think Sen or Lada told everyone about my left shoulder – then turns to the Admiral. “See that, Bax? That’s why I keep her around. Tells me like it is and doesn’t hold back. I’ve ruined her for any other captain, so she’s stuck with me now.”
Admiral Shockpaw chuckles more behind his hand. “Elthen, I believe you’re correct. However, you should be in the business of ruining more executive officers. We’ll need to promote this one so you can make room to ruin another one. Then she can be a difficult officer to the Admiralty, just like yourself.”
That comment gets Cap laughing again, and the two of them walk past me into the training room. I take a second to compose myself after that comment – Did Admiral Shockpaw just say I should be promoted? Does he know I already took my test? Gasp! – and follow them.
A couple of privates standing casually against the wall near the entrance – a male elf and female goblin – stand attention and salute quickly, then run off into the back of the training room. Those two were obviously stationed here to let Gimmir and Simon know when Cap and the Admiral arrived, and that’s confirmed for me when the two senior battalion officers appear at the far end of the room and start walking toward us.
When they’re about five or so meters away, Cap, the Admiral and I snap to attention and salute. Cap speaks in a thick voice, “Major Giantbasher, sir. Requesting permission to enter the training area.” Similar to how the Ambassador and XO have conflicting seniority at specific times, both Cap and Gimmir are ranked as Captains. A ship can only have one Captain, however, so Gimmir is instead called Major and is directly in control of the battalion’s areas of the ship. When Cap visits them, Gimmir is his superior officer, and a formal recognition of that authority transfer takes place.
Gimmir and Simon finish walking toward us, position themselves in front of us, and salute. Gimmir smiles, breaks salute and extends his hand to Cap. “Permission granted. Captain. Admiral. Commander. It’s good to have ya visit.”
The line of handshakes occurs, then Gimmir speaks up again. “Alright, enough of that formality crap. Get yer asses in here so I can show off my battalion!” Everyone chuckles, and Gimmir takes the lead with Simon at his side. Cap and the Admiral follow, and I follow them at the back of the procession.
I hadn’t really noticed it before, but watching Gimmir and Simon walking together in front of Cap and Admiral Shockpaw, I see a lot of similarity between the two pairs. Cap and Gimmir both have the same self-sure posture, as if daring an opposing army to attack them. Simon and the Admiral both walk proudly through the room, heads turning back and forth like they’re taking in every single detail and looking for an opening from which to strike. These four men absolutely belong here… and I’m suddenly a bit self-conscious of being the odd one out. I can hold my own in a fight, but I’m no warrior. These men are warrior leaders.
We reach a sparring area near the center of the room where a handful of chairs have been set up off to the side wall. Gimmir
leads us over to the chairs, and we each stand in front of one. No one sits, out of respect for the battalion. Simon picks up a whistle from his chair and blows a two-note sound which echoes across the room. Immediately, the sounds of fighting stop. Everyone turns to the center of the room, snaps to attention and salutes the officers.
We return the salute, then Gimmir takes a step forward. “Troops! Captain Gravelhand and Admiral Shockpaw are here to see your readiness! Squads will come forward when announced!” The announcement goes on to cover some of the rules of the training skirmishes, including which squad plays aggressor or defender and when a squad is ‘defeated’. Gimmir steps back when finished.
Simon steps forward. “Goblins! You know who’s watching you today! You know what he’s done and why he’s better than you! You WILL make us proud, or we’ll feed you to the Stenchstone army as a pre-battle snack! I also have a message from the Chief Caregiver that all goblin failures today will not receive treatment for injuries, and will be sent to the Stenchstone hospitals as training dummies! Burn it down, or don’t come home!” Once his… inspirational? ...message is finished, Simon steps back, looks at the Admiral, and nods. Admiral Shockpaw nods back. I’ll never understand goblins.
The next few hours pass as one huge cacophony of battle. Gimmir and Simon take turns calling squads, who come to the center of the room and fight each other. Some folk fall with injuries and are carried off by battalion medics. Some are caught fighting dirty and are called out by squad commanders (or Gimmir and Simon, who relieve the offenders from duty on the spot). Some do exceptionally well and are recognized by Cap and the Admiral directly.
All the while, I’m just sitting and watching like I can follow any of it. The battles are so nuanced that untrained folk like me can’t really tell what’s happening. It’s rather like watching elves at ice dancing competitions. Triple toe? Triple lutz? They all look like spins to me.
Eventually, the skirmishes come to a close. Cap and the Admiral speak a few words to each other, then huddle with Gimmir and Simon. The two battalion leaders take a step back and look at each other, apparently dumbfounded. Then Simon smiles an incredibly evil-looking goblin grin and Gimmir chuckles. They look back, nod, and turn to the rest of the room.
Gimmir clears his throat. “Troops! You did well today! Our visitors are impressed! In fact, one of them is so impressed that we got him all worked-up! He wants a turn! Captain Gravelhand will choose a squad that has already won their skirmish with no losses, and that squad will fight the partnership of Admiral Bax Shockpaw and Master Sergeant Smonz Darkrender!”
WHAT!? Dragons be damned! These old loonies can’t be serious, can they? They sure look serious, and the way Admiral Shockpaw and Simon are putting on training armor, they sure seem serious. I feel like I should jump out there and stop them somehow… but I have absolutely no idea how I’d actually do that. I guess I’ll just stand here quietly and freak out entirely on my own while my Captain, visiting Admiral, Battalion Major and Master Sergeant continue doing something completely unheard-of.
Cap calls out a squad number, and nine soldiers move to the center of the room. Admiral Shockpaw and Simon walk out to meet them. Simon is on the Admiral’s right side, carrying a two-handed pole axe. The Admiral has a small shield strapped to his left arm, and in the opposite hand holds a flail with three chains coming off the top, each ending in a spiky ball. These are training weapons, so they’re not pointed or sharp and are made of a softer metal, but they still hurt if you take one to the face.
Standing shoulder to shoulder in front of the squad, the two goblins look frightening, but it’s nine against two. Yes, I’ve seen Simon fight, and I’ve heard the stories about Admiral Shockpaw, but still. The Admiral hasn’t fought in a long time. I hope Simon can cover for him!
Two dwarves with battle axes break off from the squad and go after Simon, while two elves and a goblin with short swords turn towards Shockpaw. An elf with a spear and a goblin with a spellshooter follow the dwarves to Simon, while a dwarf with a pole axe and an elf with a spellshooter follow their friends to Shockpaw.
With only two members on their team, the action is a lot easier to follow. Simon stabs the pole axe at the dwarf on his right, making the dwarf take a step backwards, then immediately changes direction with the axe to swing into the other dwarf. The dwarf takes it full in the midsection and drops. The first dwarf sees his mistake and charges in, only to get tagged with Simon’s axe against the side of his head on a backswing.
Shockpaw blocks the swing of an elven sword with the shield, and uses the flail to deflect and twist up the sword of the goblin. Pulling back, he disarms the goblin, and then smacks the second elf in the face with the flail/sword combination. The elf goes down and the sword becomes dislodged. The shield blocks another swing from the first elf while Shockpaw kicks out at the goblin, catching the side of his leg and dropping him to the ground. Squatting quickly, Shockpaw smacks the prone goblin with the flail, then spins around to the last elf, wraps the chains around his knee and, with a flick of his wrist, sends the elf to the ground on top of his own sword. A flail to the head, and Shockpaw stands again.
The five attackers went down so quickly that the second row of the squad didn’t have a chance to prepare. Simon’s pole axe quickly knocks away the spear, and he charges directly into the goblin with the spell shooter, punching him in the face and dropping him. A spin with the pole axe drops the weaponless elf.
On the other side, Shockpaw charges inside the range of the dwarf pole axe, grabs the dwarf’s right arm, and spins him off balance. The elf tries to take aim and fires the spellshooter, but Shockpaw spins the dwarf as a shield to take the hit from the small melon that emerged to simulate a fireball. The melon explodes on the dwarf’s back. While that happens, Shockpaw spins under the dwarf’s weapon arm, coming out on the elf’s side, and a flail to the elf’s head ends that confrontation.
Simon and Shockpaw stand alone among the battle, with the entire squad of nine on the ground. The battle was over in less than a minute, and neither goblin took a single hit. A few seconds of silence are quickly broken by a room full of cheers and clapping. Gimmir and Cap are clapping and cheering as loud as the rest.
Simon turns to the Admiral, and the two clasp hands. Turning back to the room, Admiral Shockpaw raises his flail and the room goes silent. He turns back to Simon. “Master Sergeant. Thank you for your assistance with this training exercise. It has been a long time since I battled, and never with someone at my side as dangerous as myself. The next time, we will have to fight a full platoon to keep the fight fair.”
The room explodes in laughter, and we immediately get swept up in the crowd as everyone in the battalion wants to talk to Cap and the Admiral. Thankfully, no one wants to talk to me, so I sidestep most of the crowd and hug the wall to make my way out of the training area. Back in the hallway, I shake my head and walk towards Engineering. After all that machismo, I need a little girl time with Tanna. She won’t believe the story when I tell her.