"Token Creek's gain."
Sabrina opened her mouth, not able to believe he was real. "Where did you come from?"
"The same place as Danny Barshaw."
Sabrina looked at him for a long time and then remembered Chas.
"Did you talk to Chas about our meeting with him?"
"This morning. He's expecting us tomorrow night."
"When were you going to tell me about this?"
"This is the first I've seen you alone, and he knew I hadn't had a chance to check with you and might need to reschedule." Sabrina looked at him.
"Do I need to reschedule?"
"I guess not."
"Do try to calm all that enthusiasm."
Sabrina laughed a little and said, "Becky said something about pie. Are you coming in?"
"Yes, ma'am."
Rylan watched her smile, trying not to see it as a good sign but admitting to himself that it was just what his heart wanted to believe.
228 "We can't be in a panic every time she leaves the house," Heather said to Becky, having found her in the kitchen. Jeanette was there as well, quietly listening. "She charged me with being afraid, and she's right-I have been. I can't push my fears onto her." Heather turned and looked at Jeanette. "We've all done it."
Jeanette nodded. Heather was right.
"I just have one last thing to mention," Heather continued, knowing she was free to have her say. "If we can't live with the way Sabrina lives her life, then she needs to move out. Maybe another church family could make room for her."
"No," Jeanette said. "She needs to stay. She didn't ask to be attacked. That was not her fault. She does go to the rough part of town-not foolhardily, but to reach out to others. I just have to do what you said, Heather, and not push my concerns on her."
"She needs to marry Rylan," Becky put in, as if this would just take care of the whole issue.
The two other women were ready to laugh at her face and tone, but they heard steps on the kitchen porch. Sabrina and Rylan were coming their way.
"Chas still hasn't shared with Miranda. If you're comfortable with it, he'll do that before we get there, and then she can join us when we meet."
Rylan had come to Jessie's on Monday and tracked Sabrina down. They now stood in one of the back corners of the storeroom to talk.
"What if she doesn't respond the way you figured? What if she needs more time?"
"Time for what?"
229 "To get used to the idea. She might not want me around for a while."
Rylan looked down into her face, his heart squeezing so painfully in his chest that he could hardly breath. Sabrina misunderstood his hesitation and spoke again.
"I understand, Rylan. We can meet another time."
Rylan's hand came up and gently touched her cheek. He couldn't help but touch her.
"I'm sorry for all the rejection you've known, Sabrina-so sorry."
Sabrina looked into his eyes, not sure what to do. She wasn't prepared for his hurt. She realized in the space of several heartbeats that she could take the hurt on herself but not see it on him.
Sabrina said the first thing that came to mind. "What am I going to do with you?"
"Chas will help us figure that out."
Sabrina stared at him, not sure if that was possible.
"So wait on Miranda?"
"Not at all. Just know that I'll understand when you need to cancel."
Rylan ignored her doubts and said, "I'll come to Jeanette's and get you at seven o'clock."
"I'll be ready."
Rylan let her get back to work. Sabrina's mind didn't linger on the evening. She figured Rylan would be back at some point to tell her she was right and knew there was no sense worrying about it in the meantime.
"Do you know where Lewis was this morning? He came in late," Nate questioned Thorn Koeller as Monday wore on.
"No, I didn't see him. Why?"
"Never mind, and don't mention that I asked."
230 Thorn nodded. He was the newest man to join the ranks of deputy and wanted to keep this job. If that meant keeping his mouth quiet, he would do it.
"Are you going to be all right?" Chas asked Miranda, her eyes still red.
"I think so. I just don't want her to mistake my tears."
Chas nodded. He had told Miranda as soon as Rylan had given him permission, and as he knew she would, she sobbed with hurt for the other woman.
Do you know, Chas? Do you have any idea how awful that would , be? she had asked him over and over, her heart torn with the grief of it all. Now Rylan and Sabrina would be there within the hour, and Miranda was still teary over the news.
They worked on the dishes, put the kids to bed, and waited in the living room. Miranda had made a cobbler with berries, and even had fresh cream. She was desperate to see the other woman, and it was almost seven o'clock before it occurred to her that Sabrina might be dreading this night. She spent the rest of the time praying for Sabrina, that she would know how much she was loved.
"Are you all right?"
"I am. I just didn't expect us to actually go."
"I think you'll enjoy Miranda when you get to know her."
"I like the way she is with her children. You can tell they love her, but they still obey."
"When have you noticed this?"
"On Sundays. They all want to sit in Chas and Miranda's laps, but they always obey"
"You'll have to tell them that. It will encourage them."
231 "What exactly are we doing tonight?" Sabrina suddenly asked. "Just starting to get to know each other."
"You and I, or all of us?"
"I think it will be all of us, but it's to help you and me talk about our pasts and who we are."
"You don't have a past."
"Or so you think."
Sabrina came to a dead halt, her mouth open. Rylan stopped with her.
"I can't believe how selfish I've been. I've been so worried about your falling for me and wanting to protect you from that, I haven't even asked you about yourself."
"You haven't been selfish. And when you think of questions, I'll answer them."
He had made it sound so simple. Sabrina began to wonder what his past was like and if it could really be that easy.
232
"How ARE YOU?" MIRANDA asked Sabrina as soon as she saw her. "I think I'm all right."
Miranda looked up at her and couldn't stop the tears that flooded
her eyes. "I told myself I wouldn't cry. Please forgive me."
"There's nothing to forgive, Miranda," Sabrina said, putting a
hand on the other woman's arm. "You're so kind to care."
"Listen to me, Bri. If ever you want to talk about anything, I'll
listen. I might not be much help, but I'm a good listener."
"Thank you," Sabrina said, and the two women hugged. They
had stayed right by the front door to talk but now turned to join the
men in the living room.
"Take the sofa," Chas invited. "You too, Ry. Get comfortable." Sabrina relaxed when Rylan sank down next to her, and relaxed further with Chas' first questions.
"How was your day? Were you at Jessie's?"
"Yes. It wasn't too busy. I spent the morning in the storeroom." "Do the little girls talk to you?" Miranda asked.
Sabrina had to smile. "They're so funny. At times they quarrel, and at other times they're the best of friends."
233 The four continued to talk about the day, and then Chas asked a different question.
"Why do you think you're here tonight, Bri?"
"Rylan has said things that make it seem he's interested in me. At the risk of sounding insulting, I'm not sure he really understands." Sabrina said this and then glanced at Rylan before looking back at Chas and Miranda.
"What is it you don't think he understands?" Chas asked. "What that time of my life was like. He's not sheltered; I don't mean that, but he doesn't really know."
"I think you're the only one who kno
ws exactly what you went through, Bri, but Rylan doesn't have any false images about that life. He knows it was awful for you."
Sabrina nodded, wanting to believe that he could really love her and overlook that time but finding it almost impossible.
"I think I said that wrong," Sabrina spoke up again. "He seems willing to put all that aside, but I feel that just can't last. At some point, he's going to see the full import and change his mind."
Chas nodded and turned to his pastor. "Ry, what did you hope we would accomplish during these meetings?"
"As you can tell, Sabrina believes she's all wrong for me. She doesn't seem to take my word for the fact that I don't believe I'm all wrong for her. I was hoping a third party would help us sort through the words."
"What's your biggest fear?" Chas asked next.
"That Sabrina will never accept my love."
"And you, Bri?"
It took a moment for Sabrina to admit this, but she said very slowly and quietly, "I fear that we'll be married, maybe for a few years, and some man will come to Token Creek who knew the old Bri, and it will become known that Pastor Rylan Jarvik married a prostitute. I fear that such information will destroy the wonderful testimony he's built in this town."
Rylan's eyes closed in grief. Miranda's eyes were huge as she tried to hold back the tears, but it didn't work.
234
SABRINA235
"If you were sure that would never happen," Chas pressed her, "would you accept Rylan's love?"
"I want to, but I still fear for him. I fear for me too. What if on our wedding night he remembers that he's not the first? I fear that if we go ahead and marry, and things suddenly become clear to him, he'll no longer want me.
"I wouldn't blame him," Sabrina went on. "But I want to spare myself the heartache, selfish as that seems."
"Why would Rylan hold something against you that God has forgiven?"
Sabrina did not have an answer for that. She knew Rylan wouldn't do that, but wasn't that just what she was saying?
"Had you not thought of that?" Miranda asked when she stayed quiet.
"I guess I had, but then I forgot. I don't think he would, but I still worry about it. Maybe I just need more time."
"Well, we have plenty of that," Chas said, and then noticing Sabrina's pale face, he suggested they pray together. They talked abou t a few more things before they spent some time in prayer. When they finished, Chas accompanied his wife to the kitchen to get the coffee and dessert.
"Are you all right?" Rylan asked.
"Who takes care of you?" Sabrina asked. "I feel as though the whole evening has been about me. Who takes care of Rylan Jarvik?"
"It's sweet of you to ask, but I haven't been hurt the way you have."
"I did choose, Rylan. You understand that, don't you? Sybil did not hold a gun to my head. I chose that life."
"Yes, I do understand, but tell me what you did as soon as the Barshaws gave you a different choice."
Sabrina didn't answer. She didn't need to.
"And then," Rylan went on, "tell me what you did when you understood that Christ died for you?"
"I believed," Sabrina said.
235 "Why?" Rylan whispered, leaning a little closer to her. "Why, my sweet Sabrina, would I ever hold your past over you and use it like a whip?"
"You wouldn't," Sabrina whispered back.
They're eyes held for a long time. In fact they were still looking at each other when the Vicks returned with dessert.
"If someone asks me about us, are you comfortable with my telling them that we're working on a relationship?" Rylan asked Sabrina as he walked her home.
"I am comfortable with that," Sabrina was able to say for the first time. The evening had been wonderful. Hard at times but still wonderful.
"I'm glad to hear it."
"Rylan," Sabrina suddenly asked, "what would you do if word got out about my past?"
"That's not who you are in town, and that life is past. I guess I would tell folks the truth-that it was in the past, has nothing to do with today, and doesn't need to be discussed."
"But would you be embarrassed?"
"Of you?" Rylan sounded as astounded as he felt.
Sabrina would have looked at him, but it was dark.
"Sabrina," Rylan said, "I would be concerned only for your being hurt. Nothing you could do would embarrass me."
"You're too good to be true, Rylan."
"Is that the way Callie feels about Danny?"
"I don't know," Sabrina said, not having thought of it before but glad Rylan mentioned it. "I just figured out that I need to write Callie. I think she could be a help to me right now."
"That sounds like a good idea. I'll pray she'll have answers for you."
"Goodnight, Rylan," Sabrina said at Jeanette's front door.
236
'Goodnight, Sabrina."
"Are you ever going to tell me why call me Sabrina?"
"I plan on it, yes," Rylan said, a smile in his voice as he wished her goodnight one more time and turned and walked away.
[Dear Collie,] Sabrina started her letter when she got to her room on Monday night. [ I need your help. I think I'm in love with Rylan Jarvik, and he says he loves me, but I fear for him. I feel I can't give myself to him completely because of all I've lost. He's so special that I don't feel worthy of his love. Did you ever feel that way about Danny? What did you do to get past the feeling of being damaged or used goods that no one would ever want? Is it too soon? Am I asking too much of myself, since last year at this time I was still living in the night district? ]
Sabrina stopped. The words had taken an lot out of her, and now her mind was swept back. She pictured each woman that she had lived with in the small apartments. Had any of them found a way out? Right across the hall had been Zoe. She was older, nearly 40 but trying to look 20. Wilma had been young-not as young as Sabrina but less educated and very trapped.
237 Tears poured down Sabrina's face as she remembered them and she cried out to God on their behalf. "I couldn't stay, Lord," she whispered, "but I love those women. Please save them. Give them a hunger for You that will send them searching and not just accepting that dark life forever."
Sabrina could not articulate another word. She sobbed at the small writing desk, her tears so harsh that Jeanette heard her. She stood in the hallway outside her bedroom, not sure what to do. Heather heard as well and came with a lantern, but neither woman disturbed her. They both returned to their bedrooms, hearts heavy but unsure they would ever know why.
"Well, now," Sabrina said when she saw Crystal the next night. "Taking the night off?"
"Yeah," Crystal said, but she was pleased. It was the only dress she owned that was not meant to attract male attention. She didn't even remember having it until late in the day and almost on a whim put on the brown high-necked dress. She was aware that Sabrina always looked nice and hadn't wanted to be shown up.
The women took a table in the corner. It was a bit dark, but neither one seemed to mind.
"How are you liking it at the mansion?" Crystal asked right away.
"The mansion," Sabrina said on a laugh. "It's nice. They're all very sweet and treat me well."
"They seem like your type."
"How did you get started?" Sabrina asked, tired of wondering. "Does it matter?"
"No, I was just curious."
"I'll make a deal with you," Crystal suggested. "I'll answer questions if you answer questions."
238 "I think I can live with that," Sabrina said, not as relaxed as she appeared.
"Why are you willing to talk to me?"
"My sister was a prostitute. You're not all that scary."
"Was?" Crystal asked, but Sabrina shook her head.
"My turn. How did you get started?"
Crystal laughed but still said, "I grew up in this town, on the wrong side. My father taught me how to steal, but I didn't like spending time in jail. This turned out to be easier."
So many que
stions sprang to mind, but Sabrina only nodded. "How did your sister get out?"
"She was shrewd and beautiful. When a rich man came along who fell for her, she used every trick she knew to entice him, and it worked. They're married."
"There was someone who wanted to marry me once," Crystal volunteered, "but he certainly wasn't rich. He was a bigger thief than my father, and I said no."
"What happened to your father?"
"He tried a big job-robbing the train before it could get into town-and got shot."
"I'm sorry, Crystal."
Crystal looked away. She hated it when people said that, but it wasn't so bad coming from Sabrina.
"You gonna marry Rylan Jarvik?" Crystal suddenly asked. "I don't know."
"You should. He's a good man."
"Why do you say that?"
"He doesn't think he's better than the rest of us."
"That's true," Sabrina agreed. "He understands who he is and how much he needs God."
"He doesn't look like a preacher."
Sabrina laughed but didn't comment because their food was arriving.
"Do you mind if I pray?" Sabrina asked when the waiter left them.
239 "I guess not," Crystal said, but she didn't bow her head. She watched Sabrina, not able to help herself.
"Thank You, Father, for this food and this time Crystal and I can have together. In the name of Your Son, I pray. Amen."
"Why do you say it like that?" Crystal asked the moment Sabrina's head came up. "In the name of the Son?"
"Oh," Sabrina said, a little stumped but still honest. "I can't remember why. I'll have to get back to you on that."
"It's doesn't matter."
"It's a good question," Sabrina said. "I wish I could remember where that comes from."
"You mean it comes from somewhere in the Bible?"
"Right," Sabrina answered, picking up her fork as though she were asked these types of questions all the time. She was new at all of this and suddenly wished she was Rylan with all the answers.
"Why did you come to Token Creek?"
"I was ready for a change of scenery. Denver holds a lot of bad memories."