Cringing under the hidden accusation Edward heard in her simple statement, he felt his hands clench. “I’m sorry for…leaving,” he forced out through gritted teeth, his gaze fixed on the floor. “It wasn’t right. I failed ye. I failed them. ‘Twas foolish of me and selfish.” Once again, his cheeks burnt with shame as he pushed himself to his feet. “I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, and so I will not ask for it.” Unable to look at her, Edward rushed from the room, feeling his throat close as the air was squeezed from his lungs. Not knowing where to turn, he hobbled out the front door and down the steps, welcoming the fresh air as it brushed over his heated face.
“Edward!”
At the sound of her voice, he stopped as though it held power over him, as though he could not leave without her permission. Listening to her approaching footsteps, he kept his gaze fixed on the horizon, for the thousandth time cursing himself for his foolishness in coming here. He ought to have known better.
As she stepped up to him, he could feel her closeness like a warm blanket, and his heart ached for her. “Will ye take a walk with me?” she asked, her gaze seeking his.
Swallowing, Edward nodded, unable to speak, and yet, unable to deny her. Would he stay if she asked? Or would he be able to resist her? Edward doubted it very much.
Slowly, they made their way down the small slope and past the manor house toward the tree line where Matthew had found his new favourite tree only a short while ago. Yet, it seemed like a small eternity had passed since then.
As they walked, Edward could feel her presence beside him. And within him, he felt all the old instincts reawaken. Never had he thought about how to speak to her, how to touch her. Always had his mind and heart and body acted as though they simply knew how they fit together.
And yet, he was no longer the man he used to be. Although he felt the urge to hold out his hand to her and aid her up the small slope−not because she could not do it herself, but simply because−Edward could not. For the moment he leaned toward her, his own balance became unhinged, and he almost lost his step, leaning heavily on the cane.
Gritting his teeth, he kept his gaze fixed straight ahead, doing his utmost to ignore the watchful look in her eyes. She did pity him. How could she not? All he had now was a pitiable existence. One not worth living.
“There,” his wife said, and his head snapped up, his gaze following her hand gesturing to the small dip in the land where a group of men worked on a small cottage. The sound of hammering and sawing filled the still air, and the occasional chatter and laughter echoed to his ear. “’Tis our new home,” she told him, pride ringing in her voice. “We’ll be able to move in within a matter of days.”
Grateful for the change of topic, Edward drew in a shaky breath as he stood beside her, watchful not to have his arm brush hers as he shifted his weight from one foot onto the other. “’Tis beautiful,” he commented, remembering his son mentioning a storm, which had upended his favourite tree. “What happened to the old one?”
Meagan sighed, “Not long before Christmas last year, a heavy storm rolled in.” Shaking her head, she inhaled deeply, her hands gripping her upper arms more tightly as she held them crossed before her chest. “I thought the world would end.”
Edward swallowed, feeling unease crawl up his spine at the sight of her brave face. She had to have been terrified, and he had not been there to bear the burden with her.
“As solid and strong, even unyieldin’, as that tree had always seemed,” she continued, a touch of incredulity in her voice, “it snapped like kindling in the wind, destroying our home and trapping us inside.”
Unaware of this part of the story, Edward sucked in a sharp breath, and his head whipped around as he stared at his wife. “The tree fell onto the cottage?”
Sighing, Meagan nodded before her eyes moved from the small home before them and turned to meet his. “We were, Erin and I, but Matthew found a way out. He went to the manor house for help.” A deep smile came to her face, full of pride and awe. “And they came for us. All of them. I’ve never known such loyalty, and I shall never take it for granted.”
Feeling his heart thud against his ribcage, Edward drew one deep breath after another into his lungs as a new sense of panic washed over him. Always had he thought his family safe from harm. Always had he thought he alone was the one in danger of losing his life.
Oh, what a fool he had been! Dangers lurked everywhere, and he had left his family alone to fend for themselves.
“Would it not be better to remain in the manor house?” Edward suggested, afraid of what might happen when the next storm hit. “Would that not be safer?”
Meagan shrugged. “Well, the tree cannot fall again, can it?”
“Still, there are all kinds of dangers that may befall ye,” Edward objected, determined to make his point even though he knew he had no right to question her decisions. Not after abandoning her and forcing them on her in the first place. “I believe ye and the children would be safer at the manor.”
As she inhaled deeply, slowly, Edward saw the muscles in her jaw tense before she slowly turned to face him. Her deep blue eyes held his, and he saw a spark of anger light up in them. “I want my own life,” she said, her voice calm, and yet, her hands gripped her upper arms almost painfully. “I want my own home. I’ve fought for it all these years, and I shall not give it up.”
Edward nodded, unable to lay further blame at her feet. “I understand. I did not mean to question ye. I have no right to. Ye did well all those years on your own. Ye were strong, and ye did what needed to be done.”
Her lips thinned, and a hard stare came to her eyes. “I did not have a choice.”
Again, Edward nodded, hearing the accusation of his failure in the tone of her voice, seeing it in the way she held his gaze. “I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for puttin’ all this on your shoulders. I had no right to, but I’m pleased to see that ye managed well. Ye’re a strong woman, and ye’ve made a life for yourself here. I promise I shall not disrupt it.”
Holding his gaze, she took a step closer, and her brows drew down slightly as a hint of confusion came to her eyes. “What are ye saying?”
Turning away like a coward, Edward swallowed. “I will leave on the morrow and not bother ye again.”
Behind him, he heard her suck in a sharp breath. “Ye want to leave again? Why?”
Unable to answer her, Edward remained silent as the chaos in his heart and mind grew. Once he had been so certain of his course. Not anymore. With each minute he spent in her presence, uncertainty claimed him more and more as temptation reached out its hands to him. If he were to allow himself to see the truth that lived in his heart, he would realise that he wanted to stay. However, he did not dare, for he knew his duty above all else was to keep her safe, to keep them safe.
“Do ye not love me anymore?”
Her question felt like a stab to the heart, further weakening his resolve, and yet, Edward felt an undeniable pull. Like a siren, she called to him, and he knew he would not be able to resist her much longer. If he were to stay, he would pull her into his arms and never let her go again.
He could not risk that.
He had no right to risk her happiness ever again.
Pretending he had not heard her, Edward walked away, praying she would not stop him.
She did not.
Chapter Nine − The Need to be Strong
Staring after her husband as he slowly made his way back toward the manor, Meagan felt an overwhelming need to sink into a puddle of misery and weep. Not since she had first received the news of her husband’s death had she felt such a keen sense of loss, pain and desperation. Her heart ached as it already had once before, and she knew that a lot more pain lay ahead of her if he truly decided to leave.
Swallowing, Meagan gritted her teeth as they began to chatter, determination filling her being. She had survived his loss once, she could do so again.
Still, despite the utter sadness that overcame her, a sma
ll flame of anger ignited within her soul. After everything he had already put her through, how dare he do so again? Did he not know how close she had come to giving up? Could he not see that he was breaking her heart all over again? Or did he simply not care? Was this his way of telling her that he no longer loved her? His way of sparing her the pain of that knowledge?
Collecting what was left of her strength, Meagan slowly made her way toward the manor. Since her husband had entered from the front, she circled around toward the kitchen entrance, hearing her children’s voices echo over from the yard. Unable to face them, she quickly ducked into the house, closing the door behind her.
As expected, Derek’s mother Bessy stood at the workbench, her old, strong hands kneading dough, her eyes lifted in surprise as she took in Meagan’s rattled state of mind. “Men are foolish creatures, are they not?”
Closing her eyes, Meagan nodded, feeling a single tear run down her cheek before she brushed it away. “He has no intention of stayin’,” she whispered as though saying it out loud would make it true. “He wants to leave again.” Walking over, Meagan sank onto one of the benches, leaning over and resting her arms and head on the tabletop. Inhaling deeply, she did her utmost to keep herself from losing her mind. How had this happened?
Not far from her, Bessy scoffed, and in her mind, Meagan could see the woman’s disapproving scowl. “The war must’ve addled his brain. Did he tell ye why he wants to leave?”
Meagan sighed, then slowly lifted her head and met Bessy’s kind eyes. “He did not. But from the way he spoke, I think he’s afraid of failin’ us again.” She drew in a deep breath, remembering their conversation. “He had such a forlorn look in his eyes. I think he knows he acted foolish, and he feels ashamed.”
Bessy nodded, her gaze softening. “I’ve seen such guilt before.” Wiping her hands on her apron, she came to sit across from Meagan, gently placing her wrinkled hands on hers. “He feels out of place, my dear, out of place in his old life, and he does not know how to return to the man he once was. He’s changed.”
“I know that,” Meagan replied, starting to feel annoyed. “As have I. I’m not the woman I used to be. I know he’s been through hell, but,” she swallowed as new tears threatened, “so have I. Can he not see that?”
Bessy shook her head, her hands gently squeezing Meagan’s. “He cannot, dear. A part of him is still trapped on the battlefield, and he’s afraid he will bring the war home with him. The world is not a happy place for him any longer, and he fears he will make ye lose sight of the beauties it holds.” Her knowing eyes held Meagan’s, imploring her. “Ye need to be strong now, dear.”
Straightening her spine, Meagan almost yanked her hands out of Bessy’s as she stared at the old woman, the muscles in her jaw clenching as indignation shot through her. “I’ve been strong for the past three years!” she snapped, fatigue clawing at her being. “I’ve raised two children on my own…with a broken heart no less. He never had to think of us as dead. He never had to find out what it meant to lose the one−” As sobs rose from her throat, Meagan broke off, burying her face in her hands.
Across from her, she heard Bessy rise to her feet and soon after felt the woman’s comforting hands on her shoulders. “I know ‘tis not fair,” she said, compassion in her voice as she brushed her hands up and down Meagan’s arms, “but the world has never been known to be so. He’s made up his mind, and although the time may come when he will look back and regret his decision, it does not change how he feels right now.”
Meagan sighed, closing her eyes. “I’m tired. I’m simply…tired.”
“I know, dear,” Bessy mumbled, wrapping her arms around Meagan’s shoulders. “I know ye are, and ye have every right to be. But ye, too, will one day look back on the decision ye make now and come to regret it…if ye choose to let him walk out of your life now. Do ye truly wish for that? Or would ye rather take a stand now and avoid the regrets the future might hold?”
Deep down, Meagan knew that Bessy was right. If she allowed Edward to leave now, she would come to regret that decision for the rest of her life…every time she looked into her children’s sad eyes. No, she needed to make him stay, and yet, she was not certain if she had the strength to do so.
“A blind man could see how much ye still love him,” Bessy chuckled, “and he ye.”
Meagan almost flinched at Bessy’s words.
“Is that what ye’re wonderin’ about, dear?” the old woman asked. “If he still loves ye?”
“I cannot help but wonder,” Meagan admitted. “If he did, would he truly consider leaving? Would it not break his heart to do so as it now breaks mine?”
For a long moment, Bessy remained quiet. Then she once more stepped around the table and took the seat opposite Meagan. “I know losing someone ye love breaks your heart, but what’s even worse is the fear of breaking theirs.” A soft smile came to Bessy’s face as she held Meagan’s gaze. “What drives him is not a lack of love for ye, my dear. What drives him is the fear to hurt ye.”
Inhaling deeply, Meagan stared at the old woman. “How do ye know this? Have ye even spoken a word to him since he arrived this mornin’?”
With a slight curl to her lips, Bessy shrugged. “Some things don’t need words, dear. Some things are as plain to see as the sky overhead. Ye only need to know how to use your eyes.” Then Bessy rose to her feet and returned to the dough on the workbench. “Don’t let him slip through your fingers. The two of ye have been given a second chance that many can only dream of.”
***
Hastening upstairs, Edward grabbed what few belongings he possessed and then made his way back down to the front hall. His gaze drifted from room to room as he approached the door. No one was around. No one was there to stop him. He could simply walk out the door and head down the lane. Keep walking until…
Until what? Where was he to go?
Instantly, an image of the cliff top rose before his inner eye, and although Edward knew it to be the right choice, he could not help but cringe at the thought of flinging himself into a wet grave.
“Are you truly such a coward,” Derek’s voice spoke from behind him, “to steal away without a word?”
Closing his eyes, Edward inhaled deeply, knowing he did not have the strength to face his friend’s accusations once more. After all, they were justified.
“Talk to me, Edward,” Derek demanded, coming to stand in front of him, his dark eyes calculating as he tried to understand what drove his best friend to such a decision. “Before you do anything rash, talk to me.”
Lifting his head, Edward met his friend’s gaze. “I’ve told ye what ye need to know. There’s nothing else to say.” He swallowed, opening his mouth once more before his courage could fail him. “Would ye look after them? Ensure their safety?”
For a long moment, Derek looked at him as though he could read his mind like a book. Always had he possessed such an unnerving ability to see behind lies and half-truths. “Don’t pretend you’re doing this for anyone but yourself,” he said, his words painfully brutal; and yet, his voice full of compassion. “Whatever you’ve told me…or yourself is nothing but excuses. Your true reason for leaving, for running away, is simply that you’re afraid.” Placing a hand on Edward’s shoulder, he held his gaze. “But fear is never a good reason to leave. It is never a good reason to do anything. If you let it, it will hold you trapped in its clutches for the rest of your life.”
Sighing, Edward felt the pull of temptation strengthening. What his friend said was true. He was not so delusional to not be able to see that. And yet, his feet had been guided by an assumption that had kept him from losing his mind, from admitting the true depth of the guilt he felt. He knew he had failed his family, and the only way he now could handle that truth was by allowing himself to believe that they were better off without him.
Only now Derek’s words began to chip away at the fortress he had built within himself, and Edward was terrified of the moment he would break through.
/> “You’ve made it back,” Derek continued, without a doubt knowing exactly how his words affected his friend. “You’ve survived the war. Do not walk away from this last battle! For you’re well-equipped to win it and be rewarded with a happy life, with a woman and two children who love you. The only question is, do you want them? Are you willing to fight for them?”
Gritting his teeth until the muscles in his jaw hurt, Edward did not dare allow himself to even contemplate these questions, for deep down, he knew that it would lead to his ruin.
Soft footsteps echoed to his ears from the direction of the kitchen, and his friend lifted his head, looking over Edward’s shoulder.
Before Edward had even turned to look or heard her voice, he knew that it was Meagan. Even if he could not see her, somehow, he had always been able to sense her when she was near. It was as though her closeness changed the air around them, made it thicker, heavier, gentler. Almost like a caress. And his body strained toward her, knowing by instinct that it was there by her side where it belonged.
Only his mind forced his body to remain rooted to the spot, and his heart cursed him for it.
“Could ye give us a moment?” his wife spoke as she appeared in his peripheral vision.
Derek nodded. “Certainly.” Then he walked away, leaving them alone.
Keeping his eyes fixed on the door and his mind on the decision he had made a long time ago, Edward tried his best to ignore the slight hum he felt in his bones, the soft tingle that came to his lips at the mere sight of her.
Taking a deep breath, Meagan turned to him. “I have some questions, and there are things I need ye to tell me. Ye owe me that.”
Even out of the corner of his eye, he could see the tension on her face as she wrung her hands, trying to keep her wits about her.
“I would ask ye to stay until the morning−one night,” she continued, her voice shaking. “If ye still wish to leave then,” she swallowed, and her fingernails dug into her hands, “I will not stop ye.”