Rachel layed above her sheets, hidden within the thick fog of darkness. Her arm was draped across her sunken belly, the other above her head. It was the middle of the night, but she couldn’t sleep. There was so much about herself that remained undiscovered. She was always defined by the people around her, her extravagant mother, her protective ex-boyfriend. Essentially, they provided her backbone. No More. She was not going to be hiding under their sheltering wings any longer. She had realized that she too had strength. She too had power. This night held so much for Rachel. This was the night she had shed her girlish ideals, and begun to explore the newly emerged woman. She felt more alert than usual, not so much of the physical, but the internal. It was an awakening, a rebirth. This was her initiation into adulthood. Her motivation to stand on her own two legs. A step toward independence. She knew that in less than a month she would be away from everyone she had always loved, torn from her familiar surroundings, and thrust into a new life. It would be good for her, it would give her a chance to get to know herself and start loving herself. Yes, loving herself. That had been her weakness. Precious little Rachel Porter could do no wrong. Couldn’t tarnish her glossy image. She had strived for what seemed an eternity to understand the world she occupied. Always feeling of a lesser sort. Careful of what she said, of the company she kept, and of the way she carried herself. She had to be flawless, nothing else would do. Her self-esteem had sunk so low, that she barely stayed above the surface. Always avoiding altercations, the first to apologize, eager to forgive. It didn’t matter how she had been treated, good old Rachel would take it.
What she felt for others wasn’t so much compassion, but an attempt to be thought of as compassionate. She had projected what she wanted others to see, not who she really was. She had this desire to impress others with her mildness. She wouldn’t do that anymore. If she was angry, she would yell. She had a voice, and tonight, she found it. She would take control, gain authority over her life, and create a life of her own, where she is defined by nothing but herself, her true self. No more getting kicked in the teeth, no more silence.
Perhaps she needed to be told to grow up. Maybe she needed to be abandoned to find her own identity. She remembered hearing that sometimes falling apart is the best way to get it together. That’s what she would be expected to do, fall apart. Fall to the dirty ground and weep for Gabe. Others would rush to help her. They would have sympathy for that poor innocent child. What drama. Rachel wouldn’t crumble. She would stand tall. She would shock them all, and march away with a brand new perspective. It would be a lie to say she wouldn’t miss Gabe. She had once called him her soul mate. The love of her life. She was seventeen years old. What did she know about soul mates and everlasting love. Who knew what the next year held for her at New York University. There would be new faces, fresh faces, new atmosphere, new Rachel. It would be there she would partake of many beginnings. She decided that her parting from Gabe was for the best. As they say, if you never close the umbrella, you never feel the rain. Rachel would dance in it.
The next afternoon, Corey, Angie, and Rachel sat beneath the Oak tree on the front lawn of the high school. Rachel leaned against the massive trunk. She shredded a blade of grass in her fingers. She looked different. It was difficult for her friends to determine an exact change, but she was not the same. Her hair was pulled back in a barrette. She wore a thin, white shirt with a sloping V-neck. She wasn’t dressed nearly as modest as she used to. She seemed to have spent a bit more time on her appearance.
Corey was propped up on his elbows, his knees lifted from the ground. His dark mane fell over his back, and only offered slight traces of burgundy streaks. He looked up through the towering canopy of leaves crowning the stretching graceful branches, while Angie sat Indian style, observing all of the kids walking across the freshly mowed grounds.
“I’ll miss you guys... after I’m gone. This has been the best time of my life,” Angie admitted. Corey twisted his neck around, looking directly at her, “It’s not over yet, Angie.”
“We’ll all come back” Rachel leaned forward, “It won’t be the same though, we’ll all be different people. Have different lives, made new friends. Things change so easily,” She stated somberly, as if having already pondered the subject. None of them replied. The broken rays of the sun slid across the ground, dancing around them.
Angie shrugged her shoulder, “That doesn’t mean we have to forget. I’ve never really had friends before, and to someone whose gone without, every friendship is a treasure. Nothing changes that, not distance or time.” She added.
Rachel grinned at her. She was right. Too many friendships had succumbed to circumstance. There was no reason for any of them to forget. “Where are you going to college? Rachel asked.
“Ohio State, I’m going to be a psychologist. I’m a pro at giving advice; I just never practice what I preach. Common sense. What about you? “
“NYU. I’m planning on being a doctor. A pediatrician. It’s my father’s idea. He says I have to do something worthwhile. I wanted to be a pianist, but I guess it’s unrealistic. I suppose doctors make good money. What about you Corey, where are you going?” Rachel nudged his arm with her foot.
“I’m going back home to San Francisco. I was thinking about Creative writing, maybe fine arts, something simple. I just want to be home again,” Corey confessed, swinging around to face them.
Thomas appeared, standing above them. None of them had noticed him approaching and Rachel and Angie seemed surprised by his sudden presence. “Corey, can I speak with you for a second, please,” He requested uncomfortably.
Corey stood up, brushing off grass from his slacks.
Angie and Rachel looked at one another quizzically, eyes wide. They widened further when Thomas took Corey by the hand and led him away. Immediately, the girls huddled, still staring.
Corey glanced down at his hand hidden beneath Thomas’s, “What’s going on?”
Thomas stopped beside the water fountain, he spun, looking directly into Corey’s almond eyes, “I thought about you last night.” He began.
Corey eyes darted back and forth. Was this a joke?
Thomas continued, “I’m not afraid Corey. I want to be like you... I thought... maybe if I told my Dad, you might see me differently, not as ridiculous.”
“I don’t see you as ridiculous,” He wanted to support him, but at the same time he worried for him. “I just don’t think it’s- maybe now isn’t an appropriate-
Thomas detected Corey’s concern. “I need to do this, Corey. It’s like you said, I can’t hide forever and I can’t be a coward. I have to live my own life.”
“Yeah, great Thomas, I mean, that’s wonderful, but your Dad.... You said before, anything can set him off. Maybe you should think about this. Don’t do something you’re not ready to do,” Corey bargained.
Gabe rushed from the school. He would walk right up to Corey and tell him who he was. He would come clean and tell him that it was he who had been his nighttime lover. He had waited for this time all day. This would alter his entire life, he knew that, but it would be worth it. He scanned the school yard and saw Rachel and Angie. They were staring at something. Gabe followed their eye-line. Corey and Thomas. Corey and Thomas? It’s okay, he would strut right up between them and ask for a moment alone with him. Gabe took a breath, stuck out his chest, and started toward them.
Thomas took Corey’s arms into his hands, “I know that you’re proud of who you are... I’ve never been. I want to be. But it’s just that no one has ever come along that made me feel like I wasn’t alone in this.”
“You’re not alone. I’ll help you, I’ll do what I can but this is a very bold decision, why would you do this now?” Corey interrogated.
Thomas glanced down at his feet, “Someone inspired me.”
Corey was without words. He was grinning at Thomas, who seemed to shy to say anything else. Corey stepped close to him and hugged him, “You’ll be okay,” he whisp
ered into his ear and then moved back, still beaming from the flattery.
Gabe stood in horror. No. No. No. He clenched his teeth so hard they began to ache. He watched as Thomas walked away from Corey. What would he say to him now? Were they a couple? How could this happen, right when he was going to profess his love? He could still go to him. Maybe he would strike up a conversation. Maybe he would find that Thomas was just practicing the Heimlich maneuver. Gabe started toward Corey once again. He held his breath for a moment, his throat drying. Finally he stood right beside him, as he sat on the wall of the spouting water fountain. He had to think of what to say.
Corey’s stomach was in a knot. He gazed across the yard. He felt a bit strange. Thomas was really going to tell his Father, he was incredibly brave to make such a move. Was this his fault? Had he given some signal he wasn’t aware of? Sent some message? He liked Thomas very much, but he felt somewhat responsible for his sudden interest in coming out. It would be great if Thomas wound up happy and safe, but what if something else happened? Maybe Corey was being a bit extreme. It’s not like his Dad would kill him. He didn’t want Thomas to do this for him. Corey couldn’t carry that burden.
He wished he could stop feeling so awkward around Thomas. He wished he’d stop wishing that Thomas would just grab him and kiss him. That was never going to happen, and he had to face that. Unfortunately Thomas was invading him. The way he penetrated him with his smoky gray eyes that churned like the clouds at dawn. Plus, he was smart, and very sexy. Kind of like James Dean. Oh, how Corey loved James Dean. HE HAD TO STOP OBSESSING!
“Hey.” A voice from out of the blue greeted.
Stunned, Corey jumped back losing his balance, tipping backward into the pool below the fountain.
Gabe grabbed his arm apologetically, pulling him from the shallow water. “Oh God! Oh, No! I’m so sorry!”
“Look at me, I’m all wet,” Corey huffed, shaking his arms, and wiping the droplets from his face.
Gabe looked awestruck, this wasn’t happening how he planned. He removed his flannel shirt and handed it to Corey, “Here, dry off with this, I’m so sorry,” he repeated.
Cory buried his face in Gabe’s shirt, “You scared me to death, you should give some kind of warning when you sneak up on-“ He looked up into Gabe’s face and their eyes locked, “…Peeeopllle.” He forced breathlessly.
“I shouldn’t have said anything, forgive me. I just...” Gabe couldn’t finish. Being so close made him soar. He wanted to touch him.
“It’s okay, I- I’m just clumsy. I didn’t mean to snap like that,” Corey said regretfully. “I know you, you’re in my homeroom,” Corey added.
Gabe could feel his tongue swelling. “That’s right. N-Nice to meet you,” he stammered, holding out his hand for the taking. Corey didn’t notice, he simply pushed the wrinkled shirt into Gabe’s outstretched hand. “Thanks, for the shirt I mean.” Corey turned and started toward the tree.
“You’re Corey, right?” Gabe jumped, refusing to lose him.
Corey paused and spun to face him once more, “Right.” He swept back the hair that had blown into his face and then began away again.
Corey made his way back into the shade. He plopped down on the ground before Rachel and Angie, who watched him with great anticipation. Corey gazed at the girls, examining their glib faces. “What? I fell in the water.” He balked, knowing beforehand what they were speculating, and it wasn’t his wet clothes.
Angie placed her hand over her mouth, pretending to wipe away something that wasn’t there, “Is there something that you want to tell us?”
“Thomas is pretty hot, Corey,” Rachel remarked.
Corey ran his tongue along the inside of his cheek, acting as if he was offended, but unable to withhold his own telltale grin. It was obvious that he was just as amused.
“You never told us you were dating Thomas. I didn’t even realize you two knew each other,” Angie toyed playfully.
Corey lay back onto the grass, staring up at the swaying branches, “We’re not dating! We’re just friends. That’s it. He has absolutely no attraction to me whatsoever. He already made that clear. It’s not plausible. I like him, don’t get me wrong, he’s sweet and handsome... but...” The thoughts in his mind became louder than his voice. There was still one guy. The one he’d swore never to speak of, or think about again.
“BUT WHAT?” Angie and Rachel hollered in unison.
Corey exhaled through his mouth, “But I can’t stop thinking of Chris.” Okay, this was it; he knew each of his friends would explode in fury. They surpassed his expectation.
The muscles in Rachel’s face tightened. She grabbed her head and fell backward coming shoulder to shoulder with Corey. “What are you thinking? God, Corey! What does he do for you? What did he do for you? He’s a voice! That’s it! A voice!
“I know, I know. It’s crazy. I should just wipe him from my memory. But, it’s not that easy. It’s just not that easy,” Corey admitted shamefully.
On her hands and knees, Angie crawled over to them and lay beside Rachel. “He’s right, you know. It’s not easy to just... turn off your feelings. Anyone who’s ever been in love knows it’s like a slap in the face, the stinging goes away fast, but the red mark lingers.”
“It always seems to happen to me, people waltz into my life, grab my attention, then in the blink of an eye, they’re gone, or I repulse them and they enjoy watching me squirm. I can’t find a happy medium here.” Corey assessed.
Rachel pulled her hair out from beneath her and it fanned across the ground, crowning her like a shimmering brown halo. “Corey, the guy was ten feet from you and he wouldn’t meet you. If anything, that should be incentive enough to forget him.”
Corey began to protest, “He wasn’t ten feet away from me. I would’ve been able to see-“
“He was close enough that you heard him call your name. It doesn’t matter if he was ten feet, or ten blocks away. He refused to take it any further,” Rachel argued, “Get the hint!”
“He said he has issues with his life, and I can’t even imagine how scary it must be for a gay male to make himself known to people in a place like this. I mean, my God, and I always believed those hyper-dramatic small town coming out stories were exaggerated, that the fear was always self-imposed… You could lose everything in the snap of a finger, everything you love and care about could be gone,” his hands came together at his chest. “It was never real to me before.”
“No wonder half the world is in therapy.” Angie stated as she turned toward him, committing to memory that fair profile, the way the sun fell in shapes across his face. “If you really care about him, then wait for him,” she was trying to be unbiased. She couldn’t let her own feelings interfere.
Rachel inspected the shapes in the cumulus clouds above which were radiant against the bright blue backdrop of sky, “It’s all about low self-esteem. Look at us you guys!” She scratched her forehead, half out of frustration, “Here we are, three attractive people and we’re deliberating on whether one of us should get into a phone relationship. Is this what we’ve become? Is this what you’re willing to settle for? A phone boyfriend? Is that what you want?”
Corey sat up feverishly, thrusting his hands back over his head and down to the back of his neck, “No. No, I don’t! I want passion and romance and heat and fireworks. I want the fairy tale. I want it all!”
Rachel sat up with him, “You deserve that. We all do. Let’s not settle for anything else.”
Angie interjected; “Let’s not get to proud here you guys. I know if someone liked me, admired me from afar, then it would certify to me that their interests were pure. Not based on anything materialistic or on social status. If Chris didn’t really like you, he wouldn’t have anything to lose. He wouldn’t be so afraid. The choice would be easy.”
Corey found himself surprised by her candor. He listened with a keen ear as she continued.
?
??For us to blast the guy for feeling so strongly for you that he can’t tolerate the idea of losing you is hypocritical. I’m not on Chris’s side; I know he’s done some shitty things. I also know he’s torn between what’s right and what’s right. To be with you would be right, but circumstances beyond his control keep you apart. To honor his family and respect the values they have instilled, that’s right too.” Angie stopped; there was an irony in how it all related to her. How she loved Corey but knew she could never tell him because it could potentially destroy their friendship and she wouldn’t risk it. No matter how she needed him, no matter how potent her desire to confess, he was who he was and it would be wrong for her to voice her emotions knowing the prospect was impossible.
Perhaps, this was good for her. She could have his companionship while, maybe inside harmlessly entertain the fantasy of what would never be. The idea comforted her because as long as he didn’t know he could never reject her. If it ever escaped the confines of her fantasy she knew it would hurt them both. He would hurt for breaking her heart; she would hurt for ruining this friendship. She and Chris were the same. They both loved someone they couldn’t be without, and if the secret or mystery kept him around, like a rose under glass, they would protect that, never to compromise the poetic sentiment they held so dear.
Gabe stood in front of the bathroom mirror straightening his tie. He didn’t need to shave; he hadn’t the slightest trace of a whisker. Tonight was his graduation party. The Mayor would be there. His entire family would be there. His friends from the football team, his coach, the entire church congregation, a reporter from the Bugle. They would all be there for him. To celebrate him. It felt like he swallowed a bowling ball. How did he get here? He should be excited; he should be smiling, anxious to get to the church. To a certain extent, he was. He was proud of his accomplishments and was flattered that so many people had paid attention. He was grateful for the support, but he also understood what this all meant. He would be monitored constantly.
While his successes would prompt the entire town to parade down Main Street, his failures would cause an opposite, but equally extreme reaction. They would all be let down and it would hang on his shoulders like a necklace of cement blocks. His life would be under scrutiny, and his untainted love for football would transform into a competition where the prize was his dignity. He had found himself under a microscope, and everyone was watching and waiting for him to do something magnificent.
Gabe didn’t want this. He didn’t want strangers to impose grand expectations for him to meet. He didn’t want to have to please the entire village of Sadie, Connecticut. He wasn’t capable of that. Gabe wanted to live for himself, he wanted to play the game for his own reasons, win or lose, and still walk away with his pride. He could remember a few years back when Mark Wilson had won a major wrestling competition. He signed autographs in town. The previous Mayor erected a sign at the city limits that boasted the fact that Mark had lived here. His name was on the lips of every citizen in Sadie. Everyone loved Mark Wilson. There were T-shirts bearing his likeness, bus trips to his state matches and a fan club was even created. Then, somewhere in Texas, Mark was arrested for drug possession. He went into rehab, admitted he was addicted to cocaine, and led a drug resistance campaign in New York. Nevertheless, the boastful sign at the city limits came down. The fan club closed. The village bus trips halted, and many of the pictures he autographed were thrown away.
Now, six years later, even the mere mention of Mark’s name is met with a vicious glare, or a cruel joke. Mark never returned to Sadie. Humiliated, his family moved to Virginia and left their ostracizing community behind. Pretty much the same with the Caudwell’s. The smallest insufficiency creates havoc amongst these people. No matter how false or obscure the offense, you are no longer welcome here. Was this what he would become? One of them? Or was he on the opposite end; Would he shame his family and be cast out?
Corey graced his thoughts. To take his hand and walk down the street, perfection. To put his arm around him in public... Bliss. But Gabe would be stripped of his respect, and even worse, so would his Father. He could hear it all now. How can a disciple of God have a gay son? What a tragedy. Why did his Father not save him, or cure him of this disease? Gabe knew the consequences would be devastating. But what about him? He could take Corey and leave Sadie, never to look back. But he couldn’t leave his family behind as easily. Where did all this confusion end? He had almost told Corey who he was this afternoon. If he had, if he just jumped in blindly, forgotten any consequence or aftermath, they could be together at this very moment, on this night. But Gabe didn’t. Here he stood, alone in his bathroom, torn between his fixation with Corey, and his love for his family. The rest of Sadie could kiss his ass, he didn’t care what they thought of him, but his Father did. His Father was a pillar of the community, and held in very high regard. Who was Gabe to take all of that away from him? How could he? Maybe he should just forget about Corey and return to Rachel. Rachel really loved him. He could resume his normal life without complication and Corey would never know who his secret caller had been. Everything would be left unharmed. No one would get hurt. That’s the way it would’ve been anyway, if Corey had never come to Harrington.
Mr. Cavanaugh appeared framed in the bathroom doorway, “Okay, Son. This is it; the whole town is waiting for you. You are the man of the hour.”
Gabe looked at him blankly as his Father stepped up beside him, studying their reflection in the mirror, grinning with approval. “I’ve waited for this day my entire life. I get to watch my son become a man.”
They turned, catching each other’s eyes. “I watched this beautiful, screaming baby come into this world. When you smiled for the first time, laughed out loud. When I held your hands and you took that first step, I was there, and I am so proud to have had you bless my life, my son.” His Father held back his tears and adjusted Gabe’s tie, “And I love you.”
Gabe wrapped his arms around his Dad and held him tight. “I love you too, Dad.”
Martin pulled away, still holding onto Gabe’s shoulders, his eyes glistening. Then he walked away.
Gabe stood in silence. Would he be as proud if he knew of his adoration for Corey? Gabe felt his chin tighten. He looked back to the mirror, at that image of himself. The face was the same, but man beneath was not. Who was he?
The basement of the Episcopal Church was buzzing. Long folding tables were pushed together and decorated with purple and white flower arrangements. The brick walls had been adorned with balloons and crate paper. A banner hung from the ceiling reading: “Happy Graduation Gabe. We love you!” Music played from a boom box in the corner. Some dreary country tune. His brother must’ve brought it, because his brother was the only country music fan in the family. Gabe hated country music. It was tolerable however, for it was impossible to hear over the large chattering crowd.
Gabe sat alone. He had been there for hours and was so tired of saying “Thank you,” he may never say it again. The crowd had finally started to diminish. Gabe pushed his plate of white cake away. He didn’t have an appetite.
A large woman came up behind him and kissed him on the cheek, “Congratulations Gabe, honey. We’ll be watching you!” She spouted.
Gabe grinned, “Thank you,” he muttered graciously as the woman’s husband patted Gabe on the shoulder, then shook his hand roughly through Gabe’s hair, “Go get’um tiger. We’re rootin’ for ya!” The man shouted.
“Thank you.”
The couple walked on, and Gabe couldn’t help but wonder who in the hell they were. He had never seen them before. Must be new members of the church. Unlikely, considering their church was only accustomed to losing members, not gaining them.
A lady in a red pants suite holding a clip board appeared on the other side of his table. She was rather mousy and quite unpolished. Her glasses hung way down, resting on the tip of her bulbous nose. Gabe wondered how she could breathe.
/> “Y-y-you you have a minute?” She stuttered.
“Sure,” he replied kindly.
She pulled out the metal chair and sat down. It wasn’t until then that Gabe recognized her as Sophie, the reporter from the bugle. She must have interviewed him a dozen times over the last three years.
“It’s nice to see you again.” She had a timid, lady-like voice. Soft and tender.
“You too, Sophie.”
Sophie placed her board on the table, “This is like a milestone for you. I know it is for me, I watched you take the team to finals a few years ago, then last year I covered your game in Hartford when you won the championship with the final touchdown. Then you got the scholarship, and I was at the ceremony. I’ve been right there. Now you’re going off to Harvard, how does it feel?” She was enamored by him, sort of behaving like a fan instead of a professional reporter.
Gabe placed his hand under his chin. The music was audible now. Some lonely southerner twanging about his tragedies. He listened to every chord, every syllable. How depressing. He glanced across the room at his father who shook hands with the guests as they left. His Brother and Kayla slow danced on the floor. His sister and her husband sat huddled close together, whispering to each other. They were all so happy. Why couldn’t that be him?
“Gabe?” The reporter repeated, vying for his attention.
Gabe looked at her distressed, “It feels... humbling,” he offered.
Sophie wrote down his answer, “Okay. Tell me, do you like to be on top, or on bottom? Ever dress in women’s clothes?” She raised from her chair, “What’s it like to have the eyes of everyone alive watching you, waiting for you to fuck up so they can laugh at you.” Her voice deepened and slowed like a dying record. “Wouldn’t they die if they knew that their beloved football hero isn’t really anything but a big, faaaat faaaairy?” The reporter roared. She looked down upon him as fire blazed in her black pupils. She threw her arms into the air as flames erupted in her palms. Her laughter was demonic, “Now I’ll tell the entire world that you’re a hooomooo. HA! HA! HA! HA!.” A slimy reptilian tongue slid about a foot out of her mouth as she lunged at him.
“Gabe?” The reporter summoned curiously. Gabe jumped out of his daydream. “Yes?”
Sophie looked at him strangely, “Are you okay?” She queried, pushing up her coke bottle glasses.
“Fine,” He retorted, “Just dandy.”
“Alrighty!” She chirped, “Concerning Football, what is your drive? Money? Fame? What makes you so good?” She continued, spitting a stray strand of spiral hair from the corner of her lips.
“I love the game. I’m not interested in the money, or the fame. I’m doing it because I have this need to play. Something I was born with. I have to play, and be true to myself. I play for me, not to win, not for the people watching, or the team even. I play, and I win because it’s in my heart and I follow that,” Gabe said sincerely, his eyes probing her.
“Grrrrreat!” Sophie wrote quickly, biting the tip of her tongue, her lips puckered around it. Gabe’s brother, Chris pulled out a chair and sat beside Chris. He glanced at the reporter, “You wanted to talk to me?” he inquired. “I’m his brother.”
Sophie smacked her hand on the table and wrinkled her nose smiling, she let her head fall forward, the flung it back, releasing a quiet snort. She was laughing a laugh that made anyone watching a bit embarrassed for her. “I should’ve known! You two look alike, but I couldn’t find you earlier. I interviewed your Mom and she pointed you out to me, but then I got shuffled in the crowd, and you know....” She quipped.
At least she was having a good time. Gabe and Christopher looked at each other amused, holding back laughter of their own.
Sophie began clicking her pen against the surface of the table, “How do you feel having your little brother become famous?”
“He’s not famous. He’ll never be famous to me. He’s my kid brother. He’s the runt that used to sneak into my room and steal my stuff. No matter what, this is my brother,” Christopher put his arm around Gabe, “And I’m proud of him, and I love him a lot.”
Gabe pushed air through his nostrils smiling, “Liar,” he teased. Chris held his finger to his chin as if in thought, “Oh, okay, I love him just a little.” Christopher and Gabe laughed shortly.
Joy wandered up and sat on the other side of Gabe, “What am I missing?” She snickered, hating to be left out. Joy had put on her best dress for this party. She loved to dress in flowing, frilly sun dresses, even when it was cold. She had hair the same color as Gabe and Chris. Just by looking, you knew they were created from the same gene pool. They were a lovely trio.
“This is my sister, Joy.” Gabe announced to the reporter, “This is the lady from the Bugle. She’s interviewing us,” he informed.
Joy held her hand to her chest, toying with her golden crucifix, “Am I going to be in the paper?”
“She wants to know what it’s like to have me as a brother,” Gabe taunted.
“This guy’s a pain! Both of them!” She bellowed sarcastically, placing her hand under his chin and squeezing gently, “These guys tormented me growing up. But we had a great childhood, and we’ve always been close. I support Gabe in whatever he does, because I know both of my brothers would do the same for me. I’m glad to see Gabe doing something he adores, and the whole family is with him all the way.” Joy discreetly took his hand beneath the table, holding it close to her. They grinned at each other lovingly.
Mr. Cavanaugh yelled from across the room as he set up a tripod and camera. “Okay kids, look over here!”
Sophie jumped out of the way.
Joy rolled her eyes, “Daddy you’ve taken a hundred pictures already!”
Chris sighed as he moved closer to Gabe, “I can’t believe you have any film left, Pop!” He yelled.
Mr. Cavanaugh glared at his children from behind the lens, “Now, you all hush up, this is for the mantle.”
Gabe watched as his father set the timer on the camera, then rushed behind his children, “Get over here Mary, hurry!” he yelled to his wife, who had set up home at the cake table.
“I have my mouth full!” She objected through a huge clump of food.
“It’s a Family picture Mom, Come on!” Chris prompted.
“Hurry and swallow!” Joy insisted as she straightened her lace collar, then fluffed her loose curls that hung over her left breast.
Mrs. Cavanaugh rushed across the room and into her husband’s arms.
He pulled her close, and held his hand on Gabe’s shoulder. “Smile kids. I mean smile too, Christopher, don’t smirk,” Dad instructed as Mom tapped Joy on the shoulder, “Sit up straight, dear.”
Chris smiled widely as he leaned into Gabe, “What I don’t do for you,” He cracked in false contempt. Gabe smiled even wider. They all remained perfectly still waiting for the flash. Joy spoke through her teeth, still frozen in form, “It’s not flashing, Daddy.”
“I can see that Joy,” Dad mumbled stiffly, “It will, keep smiling pretty.”
The family waited awhile longer. “Maybe you didn’t do it right, Dad,” Chris said, trying not to move his mouth from its cemented position.
A moment longer.
“HELL’S BELLS!” Mr. Cavanaugh exclaimed with defeat as he marched from the frame. At the same time, everyone let out a gasp of air and slouched.
FLASH!
They all looked directly at the camera. “Oh no! I had my mouth open,” Joy screeched.
Mr. Cavanaugh reset the timer, “Okay, Now I got it,” He cheered as he started back toward his clan.
FLASH! It took another photo as Martin jogged toward them, he immediately spun and jogged back to the contraption.
Mary sighed, “You Father will never make it in the new age.”
“Do you need help Dad?” Christopher offered irritated.
“I can get it, just stay still and smile big.?
?? Mr. Cavanaugh demanded. He set the timer one last time and raced behind his children. “Okay kids, look at the camera.”
FLASH!
The new portrait would hang above the fireplace with the others for generations to come.
After all the decorations had come down, the Cavanaugh tribe left the church, saying their good-bye’s in the empty parking lot. Joy gave Gabe a kiss on the cheek and embraced him, “I hope you like the microwave. I know you hate to cook; I thought it might make college a little easier.” Gabe saw she was crying but trying to hide it, though the mascara trails were a dead giveaway. He wiped her cheek gently, “I love my microwave.”
“You know, it’s so crazy, Gabe. You’re not even gone yet... and it’s like I’m already missing you. I feel like I’m losing my little brother. This family has never been apart, never. Now you’re leaving us all...” She brushed the tip of her nose with the back of her wrist and quickly gathered herself. “But you’re going to be happy, and you’re going to have a great time, and you’ll write every week at least twice.”
Gabe looked down at his dress shoes, “I promise,” he said quietly.
Joy got into her car and Gabe closed the door for her. His parents stood at their Van as Joy pulled away.
“Come on son, let’s get home before it rains,” His Father beckoned from across the deserted lot.
“I’ll walk. It’s cool tonight. I need the air,” he returned.
He started off the parking lot and walked around to the front of the church. He looked up to the steeple. He would listen every time those bells chimed until the day he left, that way he would never forget the way they sounded. He began down the sidewalk, kicking a loose rock in front of him, his hands planted deep in his pockets. He could smell the impending rain. It always rained in May, he liked that. He would listen to the sound of it hitting his window, as if it were lulling him. He was so lucky to have a family that cared so much for each other. The ties that bound them were strong, impenetrable. He knew this much was true, his family loved him, they always had, they always would.
Gabe looked around the deserted village. How peaceful and welcoming it appeared. So undisturbed. So deceiving. No sound, no movement. Soon the rain would come off the ocean and pelt the warm ground, and the clouds would descend casting a thick morning fog over sleepy town of Sadie. Porch lights left on from the night before would go off. People in their robes would wander out onto their lawn to fetch the Bugle. And once again, like clockwork, it would all come alive and another day would be born.
It wasn’t but another block before Gabe found himself standing in front of Rachel’s house. It almost seemed that he had subconsciously decided to go there. The sight of it soothed him, even more so when he thought of her inside. Every window was dark, and he knew that if he were to knock he would wake her parents. He couldn’t stand not seeing her. He walked up onto the lawn to the rose trellis that lead up to her window above the roof of the porch. Without a second thought, he began to climb. An occasional thorn from the bright red blossoms would scratch his flesh, or snag his jacket, but he persevered.
Finally, he reached the porch roof, stabilized his foot on the shingles and then leapt to safety. He leaned forward as he reached for her window sill. Looking inside and saw her sleeping soundly. She was so lovely. Her sheet draped over her body as she lay on her side, her hands nestled under her neck. The curves of her body, the slope of her shoulders, the valley of her waist, then the rising of her thigh, beautiful. A woman’s body, so sensual. He had never looked upon her like this before.
How could he have hurt her as he had? Seeing her was staring directly into the face of his own unfathomable guilt. She was so precious, so unassuming, and he knew that his actions had likely scorched her to the core. She was so vulnerable to him, so trusting, and he had taken it for granted. For this alone, he hated himself. No apology would ever suffice, nothing he could say to her would offer redemption. Even, should she forgive him, he would find her selflessness only cause his self-hatred to intensify. He did not deserve her.
The streetlight in front of her house had cast an outline of the window across her queen size poster bed. He could not recall ever seeing another girl that fascinated him the way Rachel did. She was the only girl he had ever truly loved, the only one that engaged him as she had. There would never be another Rachel Porter in his life. For, in all his years, never had he felt for another woman what he felt for her. Never had he desired to protect someone as he did Rachel. It had always been his duty to be her rock, her invariable Superman. They had been companions so long that they were practically the same soul.
Gabe pushed the glass panes open and crawled into her bedroom, careful not to wake her. Once in, he closed the window and crept over to her bedside, where he loomed above her. He had never seen her sleep before. She looked like a princess from a storybook. Sleeping Beauty maybe. He knelt down beside her and pushed her hair back.
He kissed her eyelids and then gazed at her affectionately. Rachel churned and her eyelids began to flutter. She stretched her hand over her body, and focused on the dark figure directly before her. She gasped, slinging her arm back and launched her fist at him with such force that the impact to Gabe’s face sent him hurdling across the room. Panicked, Rachel kicked her sheet off and jumped toward her bedroom door.
“Rachel!” Gabe called painfully from the floor.
Rachel stopped as she held the doorknob in her hand. Though she faced the opposite way she knew that voice. She closed her eyes hard, believing she was still dreaming.
Gabe managed to his feet, “D-Don’t go,” he pleaded.
She turned to him with the elegance and grace of the storm that would soon befall them. “What are you doing here?”
Gabe felt her cold eyes on him, “I needed to see you...”
He prayed she wouldn’t throw him out. He couldn’t bear it if she hated him. “I’m sorry... I’m sorry for hurting you. Please Rachel, don’t let me go.”
She wanted to cry, to run into his arm and hold him the way she used to. That would have been her reaction normally, but she wasn’t about to fall victim to her old tactics. “You think you can break into my house, come into my room and stand there expecting me to take you back? You were cruel, Gabe, and then you left me without even giving me the courtesy of an explanation. It was only then that I understood that despite six years of unconditional love and trust, I hadn’t even begun to know you, and frankly I don’t think I want to... not anymore.”
Gabe was overwhelmed with shock. This was not his docile Rachel. She had changed. He took a single step toward her, “I made a mistake. Like every other human out there I make mistakes. I can’t go back and change it, if I could I’d do it, but I can’t. I’m not anything more than human. Please don’t punish me for that. I know that I love you... and I don’t want to lose what we had... have....”
Rachel’s breathing grew heavy. Had she expected him to be perfect? He had never scorned her the way he had in the school yard. He had always been perfect in her eyes; he could never do any wrong. He was right, she had set her expectations so high that the second he tarnished her mental image, she punished him for it. He was apologizing, wasn’t that enough? He knew he was wrong, and he came to her tonight to say it. She would be just as guilty if she rejected him for one incident. Gabe was a good man. He had good intentions and valuable morals, that’s what she loved about him. He loved her and she felt that every time he was near. He made her feel secure.
Sure, that was great, but she couldn’t rely on that any longer, despite the fact that she wanted to. She could take him back, and continue loving him, but she would stand on her own and not expect him to carry her as she had before.
Rachel moved toward him, “Did I hurt you?” she asked, referring to his swelling cheek bone.
Gabe let out a hushed laugh, “No, I’m okay, but that’s one hell of a left hook.”
Rachel touched his face, drawi
ng out the pain, “I didn’t know it was you,” she explained.
Gabe leaned down to her, meeting her lips with a delicate kiss. He took her face into his hands, more aggressively now, and slid his tongue into her mouth. They had never kissed each other this way, and it made him feel closer to her. This was the way it should be. He secretly wished that his reunion with his longtime girlfriend would diminish his desires for Corey. Rachel would take away his uncertainty. She would make him love her the way she deserved. This night would set him right again. He wouldn’t think of Corey anymore.
He stopped, holding his head to hers, “I missed you,” he whispered.
She stared into his face, he was so striking, “I missed you, too.” It was silent for a moment, and to fill it, they each allowed an awkward giggle. Then, they embraced and moved backward toward the bed. Gabe reached under her nightshirt and ran the back of his fingers across her firm stomach.
“Are we going to...” Rachel stammered, still caught up in his touch. He had never touched her this way, but she relished it.
“Do you want to?” Gabe replied, inches from her lips. Neither of them had ever seriously pondered this. They knew the facts of life and often wondered about sex, but this was the real thing. This was the ultimate test. The opportunity to prove to himself that the love he felt for Rachel surpassed his obsession with Corey.
Rachel could feel Gabe trembling, “I’m afraid,” she confessed.
Gabe looked back and forth into her eyes; she was so focused on him. “Do you want me to stop?”
She felt his heat breath against her mouth, his fingers loosely wrapped around her breast, “No...” Rachel reached down and pulled her shirt over her head, dropping it onto the carpet.
Gabe looked at her with adoration and then pulled off his own shirt. It dangled in his fingers for a moment and fell alongside hers. Rachel touched his body, moving the tips of her fingers over his defined chest as he caressed her face. Gabe got down on his knees and gradually pulled down her panties. She stepped out of them as Gabe eased his hand along the inside of her thigh, brushing against her pubic hair. He could feel her silky wetness against his skin. He rose up and unbuttoned his pants as she placed her fingers inside the waist and pulled them down around his ankles where he wrestled his feet out of them and kicked them away. Rachel touched the protruding bulge in his briefs and it throbbed against her palm. She moved up and met Gabe’s face. She felt her insides charge with fire. They took each other and fell onto the bed, their bodies pressed firmly against each other. She pushed at the elastic of Gabe’s underwear. He sat up, straddling her prone body, moving to the side to pull them off. His penis was fully erect as he positioned himself on top of her. Rachel could feel it move against her. He kissed her neck as she clutched his back, closing her eyes.
This was it. She was about to offer him the most precious gift she could. There was no going back now. She felt him slowly enter her, just a bit at first, then more with each thrust. She grasped the head board and arched her back, trying not to make a sound. It hurt at first, and then as he pushed himself deeper inside of her, she found the pain giving way to pleasure. They acknowledged one another with a passionate kiss, this one more primal than before. She bite his bottom lip gently as she fell back to her pillow. She arched her neck, her muscles tightening independent of her will, as Gabe watched her. Sweat beaded upon their skin, cooled only by the air from the open window. Their flesh ran over each other in gentle, undulating motions, like a waterfall against a stone.
Pictures blasted on the surface of Gabe’s mind. Corey. He saw him weeping through his window. No. No. He tried to exile him from his thoughts, but seeing Corey excited him even more. He let out a muffled cry of ecstasy, half weeping from his betrayal. “Get out of my head...” It was Rachel he loved. Rachel. It had always been her. He said her name aloud, hoping the sound of it would scare away the thoughts of Corey.
Before the break of dawn Gabe slipped out of Rachel’s bed. After kissing her lightly he slipped on his clothes and retreated through the window. The walk home was refreshing. The aftermath of the storm was now reduced to a simple, cool drizzle. Fog had started to lay on the streets and sidewalks. Rays of light from the street lamps broke through the gaps in the trees above, like when the sun, though hidden by the clouds, finds holes to shed its endearing warmth on the Earth below.
He reached the park on the corner of Harrington and cut through, giving the merry-go-round a heave as he passed. When he reached the other side of the park and turned it still went in circles. He noticed the puddles that had collected on the pavement and watched the reflections of the houses that appeared on an upside down world as he passed. The night had grown old, and there wasn’t even the most modest sign of life on this street.
He reached the driveway of his house and stopped. He turned over his shoulder and looked up to Corey’s dark window across the street. He felt criminal, as if he’d betrayed him in some fashion. He would readily admit he loved Rachel, but there was also Corey. The only man he’d ever felt such an immense attraction toward. Corey and Rachel were at opposite ends of the spectrum, as was his desire for each of them. He should freely and openly confess loving Corey, but for him it wasn’t so easy, not because it wasn’t right, but because Gabe was the unintentional victim of society. The product of imposed beliefs. Or was that a crock? He wasn’t a victim of anything. Nothing had been imposed on him that he hadn’t accepted. No beliefs, nothing. The only real thing holding him back from walking over there right now was himself; the fear that he still battled, and the respect of his family. Surely they would still hold him in high regard if he loved a man. They had supported him through everything else. Why would they desert him now? This fear was manifested from ignorance, and he knew that. He also knew that loving Corey would add a new dimension to his life, one not so pleasant. He would face hate and bigotry, discrimination and degradation. So many obstacles to overcome. Gay people still weren’t even allowed to marry or join a government service. He had heard of people being murdered just for being homosexual. This was Corey’s life. He had to wake to this every day. The fact there were so many people in the world, who didn’t even know him, yet harbored such hatred toward him, all because of his sexuality. How strong and brave he must be.
That was why Gabe loved him. In spite of the hurdles, Corey remained proud of who he was. Never questioned it, or indicated shame, he just held his head high and made his way. What courage. Now, this had become Gabe’s life. He couldn’t deny his feelings for Corey. He wouldn’t. That would be lying to himself as if he were ashamed. He couldn’t be ruled by his fear any longer. He was discovering who he was and just what he was capable of. He loved Rachel, he utterly adored her, but Corey haunted him. He thought of Corey every second of every day. He fantasized about making love to him. He even thought of him while with Rachel. How despicable. How could he do that to her? No. No. He loved her. They shared something special now. Was it possible? Did he love a woman and a man? He was fortunate enough to have been blessed with the best products of each gender. The beautiful, precious and sincere Rachel, and the captivating, sweet and honest Corey. They were both so alike, Corey and Rachel. Both of them toted many of the same, rare attributes. Sexually, he was more excited by Corey, but he wondered if that wasn’t only because it was taboo. Like a book that had never been read, one he wasn’t even supposed to open. He had felt the same way about Rachel, only, with her, now he knew. He knew he liked it. He enjoyed being with her. Loving her that way. Would he feel equally aroused with Corey when it came to the act?
The events of the previous night had invited more questions that it answered. Perhaps they would unravel with time, answering themselves. In the meantime, he was torn between his loyalty to the woman with whom he imagined himself marrying, pledged to protect for all time, and the man whom he found himself enslaved to. Where did he belong? What was right?
Gabe walked over to the towering Maple t
ree in the center of the yard. A tire swung from a rope tied around one of the high branches. This had been the Cavanaugh clan’s childhood swing. Gabe jumped up on top of the tire, wrapping his thick legs around the rope. He rocked back and forth, the wind rushing against him. He eyed Corey’s dark window. How he longed for him. Just to touch his face, smell his hair. Gabe couldn’t forbid himself to love that creature that slept up there. That unique soul that he desired so intensely. How could anyone not love him?
Tomorrow he would tell Corey the truth. He would touch him for the first time in the manner he was meant to. Is it possible to be so strongly devoted to one man and one woman? It was certainly not morally correct, even Gabe understood that. How would he ever choose? How could he be expected to? With Rachel he could have a big white wedding and a large family, but with Corey he could have liberation and have one of the most enchanting beings on Earth as his lover. He could even have a family with Corey. Gay couples were adopting children, he had seen it on Dateline, or 20/20 or something.
A life with Rachel could be perfect; what everyone expected it to be. A life with Corey came with sacrifices. Gabe watched the sun begin to peek over Corey’s house. It had cast shades of soft reds through the awakening sky. Soon the swing slowed to a gentle cradle. He jumped off and walked up to his porch. Before going inside, he kissed the tips of his fingers, then held his hand out to Corey’s window, then slipped inside.
six
Revelations