It took her a moment to realize he was teasing, and though she wouldn't have believed it possible considering the last few minutes, she found herself smiling in relief.
"We'll have dinner," she said.
"And tomorrow?"
Instead of answering, she reached for her wine. "I want to know how you knew."
"It wasn't one thing," he said. He mentioned a few of the things he'd noticed before finally shaking his head. "Most people wouldn't have put it all together."
She studied the depths of her glass. "But you did."
"I couldn't help it. It's kind of ingrained."
She thought about it. "That means you've known for a while, then. Or at least had suspicions."
"Yes," he admitted.
"Which is why you never asked about my past."
"Yes," he said again.
"And you still wanted to go out with me?"
His expression was serious. "I've wanted to go out with you from the first moment I saw you. I just had to wait until you were ready."
With the last of the sunlight fading from the horizon, twilight descended, turning the flat, cloudless sky a pale violet. They stood at the railing and Alex watched as the southern breeze gently lifted wayward strands of her hair. Her skin took on a peachy glow; he saw the subtle rise and fall of her chest as she breathed. She gazed into the distance, her expression unreadable, and Alex felt something catch in his throat as he wondered what she was thinking.
"You never answered my question," he finally said.
She stayed quiet for a moment before a shy smile finally appeared.
"I think I'm going to stay in Southport for a while, if that's what you're asking," she answered.
He breathed in her scent. "You can trust me, you know."
She leaned into him, feeling his strength as he slipped his arm around her. "I guess I'm going to have to, aren't I?"
*
They returned to the kitchen a few minutes later. Katie set her glass of wine aside as she slid the appetizer and stuffed peppers into the oven. Still reeling from Alex's disturbingly accurate assessment of her past, she was glad for tasks to keep her busy. It was hard to fathom that he still wanted to spend an evening with her. And more important, that she wanted to spend an evening with him. Deep in her heart, she wasn't sure she deserved to be happy, nor did she believe that she was worthy of someone who seemed... normal.
That was the dirty secret associated with her past. Not that she'd been abused but that somehow she felt that she deserved it because she'd let it happen. Even now, it shamed her, and there were times when she felt hideously ugly, as though the scars that had been left behind were visible to everyone.
But here and now, it mattered less than it once had, because she somehow suspected that Alex understood her shame. And accepted that, too.
From the refrigerator, she pulled out the raspberry sauce she'd made earlier, and began spooning it into a small saucepan to reheat. It didn't take long, and after setting it aside, she pulled the bacon-wrapped Brie from the oven, topped it with the sauce, and brought the cheese to the table. Suddenly remembering, she retrieved her wine from the counter and joined Alex at the table.
"This is just to start," she said. "The peppers are going to take a little longer."
He leaned toward the platter. "It smells amazing."
He moved a piece of Brie to his plate and took a bite. "Wow," he said.
She grinned. "Good, huh?"
"It's delicious. Where did you learn to do this?"
"I was friends with a chef once. He told me this would wow just about anyone."
He cut another piece with his fork. "I'm glad you're staying in Southport," he said. "I can easily imagine myself eating this regularly, even if I have to barter items at my store to get it."
"The recipe isn't complicated."
"You haven't seen me cook. I'm great with kid food, but after that, it starts going downhill fast."
He reached for his glass and took a sip of wine. "I think the cheese might go better with the red. Do you mind if I open the other bottle?"
"Not at all."
He walked over to the counter and opened the zinfandel while Katie went to the cupboard and removed two more glasses. Alex poured wine into each and handed one to her. They were standing close enough to brush up against each other and Alex had to fight the urge to pull her close and wrap his arms around her. Instead, he cleared his throat.
"I want to tell you something, but I don't want you to take it the wrong way."
She hesitated. "Why don't I like the sound of this?"
"I just wanted to tell you how much I've been looking forward to tonight. I mean... I've been thinking about it all week."
"Why would I take that the wrong way?"
"I don't know. Because you're a woman? Because it makes me sound desperate and women don't like desperate men?"
For the first time that evening, she laughed easily. "I don't think you're desperate. I get the sense you might be a bit overwhelmed at times because of the business and the kids, but it's not like you've been calling me every day."
"That's only because you don't have a phone. But anyway, I wanted you to know that it means a lot to me. I don't have a lot of experience in things like this."
"Dinner?"
"Dating. It's been a while."
Join the club, she thought to herself. But it made her feel good anyway. "Come on," she said, motioning to the appetizer. "It's better when it's warm."
When the appetizer was finished, Katie rose from the table and went to the oven. She peeked at the peppers before rinsing the saucepan she'd used earlier. She gathered the ingredients for the scampi sauce and got that started, then began to saute the shrimp. By the time the shrimp were done, the sauce was ready as well. She put a pepper on each of their plates and added the main course. Then, after dimming the lights, she lit the candle she'd placed at the center of the table. The aroma of butter and garlic and the flickering light against the wall made the old kitchen feel almost new with promise.
They ate and talked while, outside, the stars emerged from hiding. Alex praised the meal more than once, claiming that he'd never tasted anything better. As the candle burned lower and the wine bottle emptied, Katie revealed bits and pieces about her life growing up in Altoona. While she'd held back about telling Jo the whole truth about her parents, she gave Alex the unvarnished version: the constant moves, her parents' alcoholism, the fact that she'd been on her own since she'd turned eighteen. Alex stayed silent throughout, listening without judgment. Even so, she wasn't sure what he thought about her past. When she finally trailed off, she found herself wondering whether she'd said too much. But it was then that he reached over and placed his hand on hers. Though she couldn't meet his gaze, they held hands across the table, neither of them willing to let go, as if they were the only two people remaining in the world.
"I should probably start cleaning the kitchen," Katie said finally, breaking the spell. She pushed back from the table. Alex heard her chair scrape against the floor, aware that the moment had been lost and wanting nothing more than to get it back.
"I want you to know I've had a wonderful time tonight," he began.
"Alex... I..."
He shook his head. "You don't have to say anything--"
She didn't let him finish. "I want to, okay?" She stood near the table, her eyes glittering with some unknown emotion. "I've had a wonderful time, too. But I know where this is leading, and I don't want you to get hurt." She exhaled, steeling herself for the words that were coming next. "I can't make promises. I can't tell you where I'll be tomorrow, let alone a year from now. When I first ran, I thought I'd be able to put everything behind me and start over, you know? I'd live my life and simply pretend that none of it ever happened. But how can I do that? You think you know me, but I'm not sure that even I know who I am anymore. And as much as you know about me, there's a lot you don't know."
Alex felt something collapse inside him. "Are
you saying that you don't want to see me again?"
"No." She shook her head vehemently. "I'm saying all this because I do want to see you and it scares me because I know deep in my heart that you deserve someone better. You deserve someone you can count on. Someone your kids can count on. Like I said, there are things you don't know about me."
"Those things don't matter," Alex insisted.
"How can you say that?"
In the silence that followed, Alex could hear the faint hum of the refrigerator. Through the window, the moon had risen and hung suspended over the treetops.
"Because I know me," he finally said, realizing that he was in love with her. He loved the Katie he'd come to know and the Katie he'd never had the chance to meet. He rose from the table, moving closer to her.
"Alex... this can't..."
"Katie," he whispered, and for a moment, neither of them moved. Alex finally put a hand on her hip and pulled her closer. Katie exhaled, as if setting down an age-old burden, and when she looked up at him, it was suddenly easy for her to imagine that her fears were pointless. That he would love her no matter what she told him, and that he was the kind of man who loved her already and would love her forever.
And it was then she realized that she loved him, too.
With that, she let herself lean into him. She felt their bodies come together as he raised a hand to her hair. His touch was gentle and soft, unlike anything she'd known before, and she watched in wonder as he closed his eyes. He tilted his head, their faces drawing close.
When their lips finally came together, she could taste the wine on his tongue. She gave herself over to him then, allowing him to kiss her cheek and her neck, and she leaned back, reveling in the sensation. She could feel the moisture of his lips as they brushed against her skin, and she slid her arms around his neck.
This is what it feels like to really love someone, she thought, and to be loved in return, and she could feel the tears beginning to form. She blinked, trying to will them back, but all at once, they were impossible to stop. She loved him and wanted him, but more than that, she wanted him to love the real her, with all her flaws and secrets. She wanted him to know the whole truth.
They kissed for a long time in the kitchen, their bodies pressed together, his hand moving over her back and in her hair. She shivered at the feel of the slight stubble on his cheeks. When he ran a finger over the skin of her arm, she felt a flood of liquid heat course through her body.
"I want to be with you but I can't," she finally whispered, hoping that he wouldn't be angry.
"It's okay," he whispered. "There's no way tonight could have been any more wonderful than it's already been."
"But you're disappointed."
He brushed a strand of hair from her face. "It's not possible for you to disappoint me," he said.
She swallowed, trying to rid herself of her fears.
"There's something you should know about me," she whispered.
"Whatever it is, I'm sure I can handle it."
She leaned into him again.
"I can't be with you tonight," she whispered, "for the same reason I could never marry you." She sighed. "I have a husband."
"I know," he whispered.
"It doesn't matter to you?"
"It's not perfect, but trust me, I'm not perfect, either, so maybe it's best if we take all of this one day at a time. And when you're ready, if you're ever ready, I'll be waiting." He brushed her cheek with his finger. "I love you, Katie. You might not be ready to say those words now, and maybe you'll never be able to say them, but that doesn't change how I feel about you."
"Alex..."
"You don't have to say it," he said.
"Can I explain?" she asked, finally pulling back.
He didn't bother to hide his curiosity.
"I want to tell you something," she said. "I want to tell you about me."
17
Three days before Katie left New England, a brisk early January wind made the snowflakes freeze, and she had to lower her head as she walked toward the salon. Her long blond hair blew in the wind and she could feel the pinpricks of ice as they tapped against her cheeks. She wore high-heeled pumps, not boots, and her feet were already freezing. Behind her, Kevin sat in the car watching her. Though she didn't turn, she could hear the car idling and could imagine the mouth that was set into a hard, straight line.
The crowds that had filled the strip mall during Christmas were gone. On either side of the salon was a Radio Shack and a pet store, both of them empty; no one wanted to be out on a day like today. When Katie pulled the door, it flew open in the wind and she struggled to close it. Chilled air followed her into the salon and the shoulders of her jacket were coated with a fine layer of white. She slipped off her gloves and jacket, turning around as she did so. She waved good-bye to Kevin and smiled. He liked it when she smiled at him.
Her appointment was at two with a woman named Rachel. Most of the stations were already filled and Katie was unsure where to go. It was her first time here and she was uncomfortable. None of the stylists looked older than thirty and most had wild hair with red and blue tints. A moment later, she was approached by a girl in her mid-twenties, tanned and pierced with a tattoo on her neck.
"Are you my two o'clock? Color and trim?" she asked.
Katie nodded.
"I'm Rachel. Follow me."
Rachel glanced over her shoulder. "It's cold out there, huh?" Rachel said. "I almost died on my way to the door. They make us park on the far side of the lot. I hate that, but what can I do, right?"
"It is cold," Katie agreed.
Rachel led her to a station near the corner. The chair was purple vinyl and the floor was black tile. A place for younger people, Katie thought. Singles who wanted to stand out. Not married women with blond hair. Katie fidgeted as Rachel put a smock over her. She wiggled her toes, trying to warm her feet.
"Are you new in the area?" Rachel asked.
"I live in Dorchester," she said.
"That's kind of out of the way. Did someone give you a referral?"
Katie had passed by the salon two weeks earlier, when Kevin had taken her shopping, but she didn't say that. Instead, she simply shook her head.
"I guess I'm lucky I answered the phone then." Rachel smiled. "What sort of color do you want?"
Katie hated to stare at herself in the mirror but she didn't have a choice. She had to get this right. She had to. Tucked into the mirror in front of her was a photograph of Rachel with someone Katie assumed to be her boyfriend. He had more piercings than she did and he had a Mohawk. Beneath the smock, Katie squeezed her hands together.
"I want it to look natural, so maybe some lowlights for winter? And fix the roots, too, so they blend."
Rachel nodded into the mirror. "Do you want it about the same color? Or darker or lighter? Not the lowlights, I mean."
"About the same."
"Foil okay?"
"Yes," Katie answered.
"Easy as pie," Rachel said. "Just give me a couple of minutes to get things ready and I'll be back, okay?"
Katie nodded. Off to the side, she saw a woman leaning back at the sink, another stylist beside her. She could hear the water as it was turned on and the hum of conversation from the other stations. Music played faintly over the speakers.
Rachel returned with the foil and the color. Near the chair, she stirred the color, making sure the consistency was right.
"How long have you lived in Dorchester?"
"Four years."
"Where'd you grow up?"
"Pennsylvania," Katie said. "I lived in Atlantic City before I moved here."
"Was that your husband who dropped you off?"
"Yes."
"He's got a nice car. I saw it when you were waving. What is it? A Mustang?"
Katie nodded again but didn't answer. Rachel worked for a little while in silence, applying color and wrapping the foil.
"How long have you been married?" Rachel asked as she coated and
wrapped a particularly tricky strand of hair.
"Four years."
"That's why you moved to Dorchester, huh?"
"Yes."
Rachel kept up her patter. "So what do you do?"
Katie stared straight ahead, trying not to see herself. Wishing that she were someone else. She could be here for an hour and a half before Kevin came back and she prayed he wouldn't arrive early.
"I don't have a job," Katie answered.
"I'd go crazy if I didn't work. Not that it's always easy. What did you do before you were married?"
"I was a cocktail waitress."
"In one of the casinos?"
Katie nodded.
"Is that where you met your husband?"
"Yes," Katie said.
"So what's he doing now? While you're getting your hair done?"
He's probably at a bar, Katie thought. "I don't know."
"Why didn't you drive, then? Like I said, it's kind of out of the way."
"I don't drive. My husband drives me when I need to go somewhere."
"I don't know what I'd do without a car. I mean, it's not much but it gets me to where I need to go. I'd hate to have to depend on someone else like that."
Katie could smell perfume in the air. The radiator below the counter had begun to click. "I never learned to drive."
Rachel shrugged as she worked another piece of foil into Katie's hair. "It's not hard. Practice a little, take the test, and you're good to go."
Katie stared at Rachel in the mirror. Rachel seemed to know what she was doing, but she was young and starting out and Katie still wished she were older and more experienced. Which was odd, because she was probably only a couple of years older than Rachel. Maybe less than that. But Katie felt old.
"Do you have kids?"
"No."
Perhaps the girl sensed that she'd said something wrong, because she worked in silence for the next few minutes, the foils making Katie look like she had alien antennae, before finally leading Katie to another seat. Rachel turned on a heat lamp.
"I'll be back to check in a few minutes, okay?"
Rachel wandered off, toward another stylist. They were talking but the chatter in the salon made it impossible to overhear them. Katie glanced at the clock. Kevin would be back in less than an hour. Time was going fast, too fast.
Rachel came back and checked on her hair. "A little while longer," she chirped, and resumed her conversation with her colleague, gesturing with her hands. Animated. Young and carefree. Happy.