“He will.”
Kyrin lifted her brows at his confidence. After all, he hadn’t had time to get to know Jace very well.
With the same confidence, Timothy explained, “You’re here. You’re too important to him to leave behind.”
Kyrin let the words sink in. It warmed her inside to think that she meant so much to Jace. Still, she didn’t just want him to come back; she wanted him to live without his pain and fears. It was heartbreaking to see him dragged down by them so often. What kind of life was it to live with such uncertainty? He missed out on so much joy.
“Timothy, have you come across anything in the Scrolls that might help him? Anything about ryriks? If they have souls or… if they don’t?” Just saying it sent a stabbing pain through her heart. She would never believe that he had no soul.
“No. I’ve not found anything that distinguishes between the races at all, which only leads me to believe more strongly that ryriks are just the same as all the other races. We all have our good and evil, and we all have souls that need Elôm.”
“If only there was a way to convince him of that. I’m afraid he’ll go his entire life wondering and fearing. I don’t want that for him. Maybe, if you told him what you told me, maybe coming from you it would make a difference.”
“I can try, but you’re the one he trusts most.”
Kyrin nodded. “Will you pray for him? For peace and assurance?”
Another comforting smile reached Timothy’s face. “I already am, and I will continue.”
Jace didn’t realize just how far his escape into the woods had taken him until he started back. He had just walked, on and on, for hours, until he collapsed near a tree, panting. Only then had he noticed that Tyra followed. She had just stared at him with her loyal, trusting eyes, not knowing what pain had driven him out here.
They had spent the night by that tree, all the many regrets of Jace’s past flooding up around him. He couldn’t stop the way they tormented him, growing his guilt. If only he could escape it.
An early morning storm finally drove him back toward camp. He had managed to stay warm with Tyra during the night, but it was impossible in the downpour. At first, he’d looked for shelter, but the rain soon drenched his clothes, so he trudged through it.
The morning passed before anything looked familiar. By now, his soaked clothing clung to his skin and shivers gripped him. If he didn’t get dry and warm soon, he risked getting sick. The way his lungs already felt in the cold, damp air, an illness could quite possibly do him in. It didn’t really matter to him except that it would devastate Kyrin. That and he had a promise to keep to her father. He couldn’t protect her if he was dead.
At last, the glow of cabin windows beckoned through the mist, and he entered camp. There was little activity in the rain. With his head down, he made his way toward the shelter.
“Jace!”
He stopped, his stomach balling into an aching knot, and looked up. Kyrin rushed toward him from the direction of Trask’s cabin. Relief washed over her face, but faded to concern when she reached him. After a quick look at his wet clothing, her gaze rose to his face.
“You must be freezing. Go change and then come to Lenae’s cabin. I’ll make sure there’s coffee and a good fire going.”
She turned to carry out her mission without giving him a chance to decline. He watched her go and battled the conflict in his mind. He hadn’t been ready to face her just yet—wasn’t ready now—but she had left him no choice. With a hard sigh, he moved on.
He paused at the door to the shelter, hesitancy seizing up his muscles. Did he dare hope it would be empty? How could he face any of the others? Little choice he had now that he’d returned to camp. He couldn’t stand out here forever with Kyrin waiting for him. Grimacing, he pushed open the door and found Kaden and Trev there with Liam. Kaden said his name in surprise as he walked in.
“You all right?”
Jace glanced at him, but didn’t answer. What could he say that they would understand? An awkward silence settled in the small dwelling. He focused on the task at hand, peeling off his wet clothes and changing into a dry pair. He then grabbed an old towel and scrubbed the majority of the moisture out of Tyra’s soaked fur. The others were still uncomfortably quiet as he worked. Jace gritted his teeth. It was too reminiscent of his early days in camp when he had been nothing more than an oddity and object of scorn. It’s your fault. The condemning voice heaped more guilt on his already severely burdened conscience. Always his fault.
The weight of discomfort grew too heavy, and he left the shelter. Tyra followed. Outside, his eyes strayed once more to the trees. He shouldn’t have come back. Fighting the urge to be alone, he turned toward Lenae’s cabin. He couldn’t ignore Kyrin waiting for him. At the door, he hesitated, then knocked. Kyrin was right there to answer it and usher him inside.
“Come, sit by the fire.” She gripped his arm lightly and guided him to a chair near the hearth. “I’ll get you some coffee.”
He sank down with a heavy breath, and Tyra claimed her favorite spot on a rug near his feet, unaware of the tension coiling inside him. If only Kyrin wouldn’t treat him so generously, as if he was innocent. He wasn’t, and it made him feel that much more despicable, like an impostor. Pretending to be otherwise was too difficult.
Kyrin brought him a mug of coffee and then stood by—watching, waiting. Silence stretched between them. Jace stared down into the mug, unable to look at her. Everything that was so wretched about him would surely be visible to her.
Finally, she asked, “Are you all right?”
Again, he had no answer for that question. Oh, he could tell her he was fine as he always did, but what would that achieve? It would only be a lie, and she would know it.
After another long, painfully silent moment, she left him alone at the fireplace. Still, he watched her from the corner of his eye. Her face was drawn, yet had a determined set to it. At the table, her mother, Lenae, and Meredith conversed quietly, but she did not join them.
Several minutes later, she came to him again with a bowl. “Here’s a little soup left from lunch.”
He stared at it. Even after twenty-four hours, he had no desire to eat.
“I won’t let you stop eating again.”
Her quietly firm voice drew his gaze to her face. At the knowing look in her eyes, he gave in and took the bowl. With her looking on, he forced himself to eat. His stomach and fatigued muscles did welcome the warm meal. Once she seemed satisfied that he would keep eating, Kyrin also retrieved a bowl of torn up bread pieces, milk, and some meat for Tyra, who was much more enthusiastic about her food than Jace was. He gave Kyrin an awkward nod of thanks for tending to Tyra as well.
Now that he had eaten and was warm enough that the tremors had ceased, restlessness set in. It was too quiet, just like in the shelter. Life and joy usually filled Lenae’s cabin, but the women only spoke in subdued murmurs, as if they were uneasy around him.
Swallowing the tight lump in his throat, he weighed his options. It was either here or the shelter. Nowhere would be empty on a day like today. At last, he pushed to his feet and pulled on his coat. He would rather be in his own place, even if it meant facing Kaden and the others. With them, he wouldn’t feel such guilt for not speaking as he did with Kyrin.
“Thanks for the soup,” he murmured as he passed the table.
He caught the way Kyrin straightened, her eyes growing a bit wide.
“Where are you going?”
“To the shelter.” He avoided her gaze and walked out after Tyra before she could say more.
Pulling his collar closer to his neck, he started across camp. A moment later, the cabin door opened and closed behind him and footsteps hurried to catch up.
“Jace, wait.”
He looked over his shoulder and stopped as Kyrin reached his side.
“Come back inside. It’s warmer and drier than the shelter. You need to stay warm or you’ll get sick.”
“The shelter w
ill be fine.”
Her gaze darted to the shelter, and then slid back to him. A weak little smile grew on her face. “Maybe, but if you come back to the cabin, you’ll be there when my mother’s cookies are finished. They’re always the best when they’re warm and fresh.”
She tried so hard to make things seem all right—to make things normal, as if a man hadn’t just died because of him. Why did she try so hard?
“You shouldn’t be so kind to me,” he said, raising his voice just above the patter of rain.
Her smile drooped, and the encouraging light died in her eyes. Weariness overcame her expression and carried to her voice.
“Why not, Jace?” She put her hands out helplessly. “Why would I ever want to be anything but kind?”
He tried to loosen the tightness in his throat. “Because… I don’t deserve it.”
Again, her expression changed, tensing. A spark returned to her eyes, but not one of determination. He’d angered her—angered and wounded. The tightness spread to his chest. She had endured so much with him, exhibiting untold patience, but it seemed he had finally exhausted some of that patience.
She shook her head, her voice strained. “I can’t believe you’re doing this again, after all this time and all we’ve been through. If you try to push me away again—”
“I’m not.” It surely would have been in her best interest but, selfishly, he couldn’t make himself do it. She would never stand for it anyway. She was stubborn that way.
His voice rose as frustration gave way. “It’s just, you always try to see the best in me, but you have to understand and accept that it isn’t there. And if it was, then it’s so sullied by blood that it’s worthless.” He paused, drawing in a sharp breath that ached in his constricted chest. “I’m not the man you want so much to believe I am.”
In less than a moment, tears welled up in her eyes, glimmering with pain, and he hated himself even more.
She shook her head, her words choked. “I don’t believe that. Whatever you say, I’ll never believe it.”
He held her watery gaze. “That doesn’t change anything.”
Now the tears fell. Even with her cheeks already wet with raindrops, he could see each one as they trailed down to her chin. Crushing defeat left an empty look in her eyes that cut right into him. Out of words, she took a wobbly step back, and then turned away, her head bent as she trudged back to the cabin.
His heart beating a heavy, painful rhythm, Jace forced himself in the opposite direction. He’d just crushed the one person who meant everything to him. He was a cruel, heartless monst— He bit down hard, but the word floated tauntingly through his being. How he could ever have allowed himself to wonder about the two of them? How could he have ever hoped that, just maybe, he could be good enough for her? What foolishness. Had he been anyone else, he would have been horrified to know a man like him had any feelings for her. He shouldn’t be anywhere near her.
Kyrin swiped her hands across her cheeks as she neared the cabin. At the door, she paused and glanced back at Jace’s retreating form, but that just caused more tears to overflow. With a sob catching at the back of her throat, she pushed the door open and stepped inside. Her hands trembled as she returned her coat to the peg. She fought mightily to compose herself, but all her emotions clamored for her to yell, and cry, and let it all out.
“Kyrin?”
She turned slowly to her mother, determined to hold it together, but it all crumbled in the next heartbeat, her tears starting fresh.
“Oh, honey, are you all right?” Her mother rose and stepped away from the table, her arms open invitingly.
Kyrin gave her head a pitiful shake. “For once, I just want him to be happy and believe he’s worth something, but he won’t. He just keeps going back to the lies no matter how hard I try to stop him.” She choked down another sob. “I just wish he’d listen to me.”
Jace rolled restlessly on his cot and scrubbed his hands over his face, letting out a deep sigh. The birds had just begun to sing outside. Had he even closed his eyes once all night? Kyrin hadn’t left his thoughts since the fight. What a fool he was. Everything he had thought and said still held true for him, but now that he’d had all night to let the emotions settle and think more reasonably, he could have kicked himself for how he had handled it. Why hadn’t he kept his mouth shut? Of course such careless and cold words would hurt Kyrin after how much effort she spent trying to help him. That look of defeat just before she had walked away ate at his sanity. He had never hurt her like this before.
Grumbling to himself, he yanked back his covers and got up to get dressed. No rain pelted the shelter, so he only pulled on a warm shirt and his jerkin, leaving his coat hanging on the wall. Kaden rolled over as he passed him, but remained asleep like the others, blissfully unaware of any turmoil like that which darkened Jace’s mood.
Outside, he couldn’t quite see any sun through the trees yet. The air was cool and still damp, as expected, but fresh and smelling sweetly of spring. A beautiful morning if he could just be rid of the personal cloud hanging over him. His gaze automatically sought Lenae’s cabin. If only Kyrin were standing there like when she used to wait for him to go hunting. She wasn’t, of course.
Turning his back on the cabin, he walked slowly through camp with Tyra. Candlelight flickered in some of the windows as the other inhabitants started to stir. A few minutes later, a cabin door opened, and Jace looked up to see Rayad. He hadn’t seen him since returning yesterday, though someone must have told him he was back. Rayad spotted him and approached with an encouraging smile. He wore no look of disapproval or lecture—though Jace deserved it this morning—only concern.
“Jace.” He spoke his name as if glad to see with his own eyes he was back. “How are you?”
Jace blew out a long breath and shook his head. “I feel like a fool.”
Rayad’s forehead wrinkled.
“Kyrin and I argued when I got back yesterday.” Jace winced. “I said things I meant, but now wish I’d kept to myself. I hurt her, and I hate that I did.”
Understanding replaced Rayad’s frown. “You know, things like that can almost always be fixed by a simple apology.”
“I know.” Jace planned to do just that as soon as he had the opportunity. He glanced at Lenae’s cabin again, still hoping to see Kyrin there. Jace faced Rayad again, his thoughts turning painfully toward another person he had hurt. “How is Alice?”
Rayad answered slowly, as if trying to spare Jace further guilt. “Well, she’s grieving, as any of us would.”
Jace hung his head. He was well acquainted with grief, and to cause it for someone else . . .
“You do understand it’s not your fault?”
Jace’s gaze rose back to Rayad, but he wasn’t sure he could accept that. It wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t been there.
“Really, it wasn’t,” Rayad insisted, knowing him too well. “Hagen attacked you, and you defended yourself. Anyone, except maybe Alice, would agree there was nothing you could have done differently.”
Yes, there was.
“I didn’t have to push him. I could have just dodged the attack and walked away.”
“Did you have time to do anything but react?”
The moment replayed in Jace’s mind. Though he wasn’t ready to let himself off so easily, he could only answer with the truth. “No.”
Rayad nodded in affirmation. “You are not to blame in this. Not in the slightest.”
Perhaps, but that didn’t relieve Jace’s conscience and the guilt eating at it. However, he did not try to dissuade Rayad. Arguing had already caused enough damage. He wouldn’t be at odds with him too.
Jace waited for Kyrin most of the morning, his gaze constantly going to the cabin, watching for her to come out. It was unusual for her to remain inside on such a lovely day. Kaden said she was busy helping Lenae, but he seemed to know things were off between them. She was probably still angry, and he didn’t blame her. He debated going to see her, b
ut what if she turned him away? Or worse, didn’t forgive him?
By lunchtime, the truth was obvious—she was avoiding him. With regret and lack of sleep weighing on him, he sank down heavily on a bench outside the shelter. He fixed his gaze on the cabin for a long moment while he scratched Tyra’s head. Then he looked down at her. At least she would never understand enough to be angry with him.
Holden walked out of the shelter, and Jace looked up when he offered him a plate of beans and pork.
“Thanks.” He stirred the beans, sighing before finally taking a bite.
Holden sat down next to him, but didn’t say anything for a long moment.
“She’s still inside?”
Jace met his eyes and gave a short nod. If Holden had noticed, then he wasn’t just paranoid.
Holden motioned toward the cabin. “You should go talk to her.”
Jace heaved another sigh. Of course, in a close community like this, he couldn’t hope the rift between him and Kyrin had gone unnoticed. Anyone could have witnessed their argument yesterday.
“I don’t think she wants to see me.”
Holden shrugged and gave him a pointed look. “Or maybe she’s just waiting for you to come.”
The look of defeat and hurt that had flashed in Kyrin’s eyes returned to Jace and didn’t reassure him that she was waiting to see him this morning.
“You know, Jace, when you’ve been scarred by a past like you and I have, it can shadow things and make it difficult to differentiate between who we are now and who we were in the past. We’re not the men we were. You can’t let yourself fall into the trap of thinking you are. It’ll only ruin you.”
Jace stared down at his dish, mulling this over. Out of everyone in camp, Holden would understand his struggle the best. The two of them had the most in common as far as past bloodshed and the regret of it, but the one thing they didn’t share was Jace’s ryrik blood. None of them would ever know how much it tortured him and held him captive to his fears. He alone carried that burden.