SAMUS didn't see his date amongst the crowd so he decides to sit down on an empty bench and wait.
We watch as PHILLIP ELLIS walks in from the opposite entrance of the park. He spots SAMUS sitting down and decides to quietly walk over to him and waits until he isn't paying attention and he jumps out scaring SAMUS.
SAMUS
(flinches and holds his chest)
Who the hell are you Ellen?! You scared the crap out of me!
PHILLIP
(laughs clapping his hands together)
I'm sorry man! I just couldn't resist.
PHILLIP sits down next to SAMUS on the bench and hugs him. After a few seconds PHILLIP lets go of SAMUS and leans back on the bench looking at him.
PHILLIP (CONT'D)
It's great to finally meet you.
SAMUS
Likewise! You got here pretty fast you live nearby?
PHILLIP
(nodding) Yessir! I live a few blocks from here and strangely I work in Brooklyn. But thankfully I called in sick and tomorrow I'm off, so I'm beyond thrilled.
SAMUS
That sounds like a relaxing time. I wish I can just call in sick like that. But my boss lives in the same building as me and he would have a fit if I stood home. I like to think they can't function without me. (smiles)
PHILLIP
A man of authority? Could you be any hotter?
SAMUS
(laughs)
I could be but then I would melt the world.
PHILLIP
That is true and the last time I checked I enjoy the world for what it i-
PHILLIP looks over to his right and sees a man walking towards them. He quickly grabs SAMUS and kisses his lips passionately; this action causes SAMUS to flare his hands in the air as if he was drowning in a pool. As we watch this happen the VO plays.
SAMUS (V.O.)
Yep another kiss and this time there is no magic. (pauses) Oh God, did Dylan break me?!
PHILLIP opens his eyes during the kiss and watches as the young man he was trying to make jealous, passes them by. SAMUS gently pushes PHILLIP off of him.
SAMUS
Phillip, I...um, I think you are very cute I do. But I'm just not interested in going straight into making out before I get to know you.
PHILLIP
(stands up and watches the man)
Dammit! He was supposed to get jealous!
SAMUS
(looks at Phillip and then at the man who was long gone. He rises to his feet, angry and in shock)
You kissed me to make some guy jealous?
PHILLIP
Well clearly it didn't work. If it did I would be heading home for some good make up sex.
SAMUS
(Gasps)
You tall and gorgeous Jerkwad! You were using me this whole time to get back at your ex!
PHILLIP
(Turns to Samus) Yes I was alright!? I needed to be seen so that Eric-my ex- could find me with you and then get super jealous. His jealous rage, would cause us to argue but then he would realize that he still loves me and BLAMMO! He would be back at my place, legs in the air, screaming my name out.
SAMUS
That is oddly specific as well as insulting. (Beat) I am not some guy you could just use to get your ex back! I am a human being, not some 'Flavor of the Hour'! If you want to get your ex back, then I advise you to do what any decent person would do and go talk to him.
PHILLIP
I can't! I screwed up pretty bad. (sits back down on the bench and buries his face in his hands)I'm a loser! A stupid, stupid loser!
SAMUS
(aside)
Oh there's no fighting you on that. (He sighs and sits next to Phillip) What did you do that made him..dump you?
PHILLIP
(looks at Samus)
I?I had sex with his roommate without him there.
SAMUS
(stares at Phillip for a mere 30 seconds)
I'm sorry you did what, without whom there?
PHILLIP
Eric and I are-were- in an open relationship. We would only hookup with someone together. We never played with anyone else alone. It was against our unity.
SAMUS
So you hooked up with Eric's roommate, while Eric wasn't there? Eric found you, dumped you and now he hates you?
PHILLIP
Yes!(cries into his hands comically)I'm an idiot!
SAMUS
(gently rubs Phillip's back trying to console him as he looks at everyone watching them.)
There, There. It's going to be okay. He will totally forgive you in time. I just think, right now he needs some space. Once he realizes you are the best thing to um...ever happen to him. He'll come around and call you.
PHILLIP
(lifts his head up and looks at Samus)
Y-you think so?
SAMUS
(Nods)
Sure yeah.(pauses)Yeah sure.
PHILLIP
You're right. But I'm impatient. I need Eric. (He jumps up to his feet and runs through the crowd) ERIC! ERIC! ERIIIIIIIIICCCC!!!!!!!
SAMUS watches as PHILLIP runs away and he sighs to himself looking around embarrassed.
SAMUS
MMkay, that wasn't strange.
SAMUS gets up from the bench and walks out of the park shaking his head in disbelief. We watch as he walks out and the VO plays.
SAMUS (V.O.)
Another date down and I'm pretty sure a second date wasn't going to happen. I sure hope Phillip doesn't call me when he and Eric get back together because I don't do threesomes and I certainly don't hookup with men in open relationships.
I'm not judging at all, trust me. I just don't like to share. I'm selfish.
Well, one date down and a few more to go, so what is my objective since this date was a bust?
I'm soo going to eat a slice of cheesecake and watch some Charmed reruns.
There's no harm in doing that, right?
CUTS TO:
"PRESENT DAY"- Appears on the screen.
INT-THE HALLWAY OF SAMUS' APARTMENT BUILDING-MID DAY
BELKY ALLEN walks up the stairs speaking on his cellphone.
BELKY
(speaking on the phone) I know what you mean!.. (on phone)
I do but you need to understand that we already gave the okay for the article to be published online?No I don't care how he feels about it..Again I don't care! He was interviewed by one of my best reporters, anything that he didn't want included in the article should have been off the record?That's not true?Emmanuel, said everything was on the record. (He approaches Samus' door and knocks on it.) I have to go Anne, like I said, the article is going up and that's it. Next time, make sure your client is prepped on what he should share. (He hangs up the phone and places it in his pocket. He knocks on the door again)
Samus it's Belky, we need to talk!
BELKY continues to knock on the door. We re-enter SAMUS' apartment and watch as SAMUS tries to speak up to signal his distress to BELKY.
SAMUS
(quietly)
H-Help me?Pl-please. Help m- (closes his eyes and falls into an unconscious state)
BLACK
END OF EPISODE.
EPISODE 3- "PORKY"
FADE IN:
INT- SAMUS' APARTMENT- MORNING
SAMUS opens his eyes and we discover that he is on his bed. The sun shines in through his window waking him up.
He stretches and sits up on the bed, wanting to get the day started but at the same time, he just wanted to sleep for the rest of his Saturday. We watch as he gets off the bed and walks into the bathroom, while the VO plays.
SAMUS (V.O.)
Every day we wake up in hopes of having a beautiful day. That the worries of yesterday all disappear and we tell ourselves that, 'Today will be different' when we all know that is a complete lie.
It's a lie because sure the day might be new, but those same worries and problems are always there. That's how life works; we lie
to ourselves to make our day go by smoothly. Our own little Self Fulfilling Prophecy.
SAMUS walks out of the bathroom-after washing his hands of course- and he walks into the kitchen eager to make a fresh cup of coffee, when there is a KNOCK on the door. This causes SAMUS to let out a frustrated sigh. He walks over to the door slowly.
SAMUS
(Aside)
I do not have any coffee in my system to deal with whomever this is.
He opens the door and we see CARLITO REYES standing in the doorway with a smirk on his face.
SAMUS (CONT'D)
(Sighs clearly not happy to see him)
What are you doing here? Garbage pick-up isn't until Wednesday.
CARLITO
(He smirks not letting the insult get to him.)
Funny Ortiz, if you were truly this hilarious maybe you would've made it far as a reporter, rather than a sad little blogger.
SAMUS
What are you doing here? I don't have any coffee in my blood and I believe that is an argument that can get me acquitted for murder.
CARLITO
That threat again? Geez, I thought for sure you would already have done it, since you know. Your ex-boyfriend dumped you for me. (beat) Oh by the way, Ethan says 'Hi'!
FRAME FREEZES
SAMUS (V.O.)
Meet Carlito Reyes. He believes he's my arch rival because he works over at Hesh'e Magazine which is L&G Daily's competitor; but we both know he could never reach my level. And as funny as it is, he is also the one trick pony, Ethan cheated on me with. Yes, he truly did trade down.
FRAME RESUMES.
SAMUS
I'm going to ask again, why are you here?
CARLITO
(Clears his throat as if he had something of great importance to say) I've been reading your little-(he puts his fingers up making air quotes)- "column" and I must say it is very evident that you stole my idea.
SAMUS
(Chuckles at the mere thought) That has got to be the dumbest thing I have ever heard! And I know dumb, I've interviewed Stacey Dash.
CARLITO
(angrily crosses his arms across his chest)
I am not kidding! I have been trying to pitch to my editor the idea of me giving out advice to other fags. Then you come from under me and steal it! Now I plan on suing you for everything you have!
SAMUS
Suing me? For an idea? Wow, that is a new low for you. And you know how to get low, you're always on your knees.
(Beat) If you want to sue me for an idea then go ahead! The last time I checked, anything that had your name on it was tossed out ever since you fabricated that story about Lance Glass dating Evan Andrews. And how did that work out for you? Oh yeah! You were fired from 'BubblePop Online!', sued for 20k by Lance and Evan's legal team and then you were kicked out of your luxurious Upper East Side Penthouse, like the garbage you are.
Now you want to come here and what? Hmm? Threaten to sue me for an idea which you so conveniently and ironically had? Who the hell were you going to give advice to? Future home wreckers?
CARLITO
(Opens his mouth to speak but Samus interjects quickly)
SAMUS
I don't even care what you have to say. The thought of hearing your voice again makes me want to jump out of the window and hope to Goddess a truck runs me over!
What you can do is go back to whatever box you're currently living in and have a nice life!
SAMUS slams the door shut leaving CARLITO dumbfounded and shocked. CARLITO takes out his cellphone and dials a number as he slowly walks over to the staircase.
DISSOLVES TO:
"DATE #3: PARKER MYERS"- Appears on the screen
INT-ON A NYC SIDEWALK-MID DAY
We find SAMUS sitting on a bench texting on his phone checking his emails. PARKER MYERS crosses the street and notices SAMUS. PARKER's face lights up and he smiles wide as he approaches SAMUS.
PARKER
Your profile picture clearly neglected to capture your true beauty.
SAMUS
(Looking up from his phone he smiles and stands up)
Aww thank you so much, Parker. Someone is being too sweet. Any sweeter then I might get cavities.
PARKER lets out a chuckle and he opens his arms embracing SAMUS. SAMUS smiles and hugs back sniffing the older man's cologne smiling.
PARKER
Just being honest.
SAMUS
An honest man? They still make those? You smell good what are you wearing?
PARKER
(Releases Samus and smiles at his words)
Oh no, I assure you. I am one of kind. And I'm wearing some new cologne my M- I-I mean my friend picked out for me. It's called Lorne.
SAMUS
(nods slowly)
Ah okay.
PARKER and SAMUS begin to walk together slowly down the sidewalk.
PARKER
I have to admit, I was very nervous to ask you out. Not because you're not attractive, because you are very cute, it's just that-I'm a bit older than you.
SAMUS
(jokingly)
You are? I hadn't noticed.
PARKER
(smirks and nudges Samus playfully as they continue walking down the sidewalk.) Yeah whatever. (Pauses) I just know how some young guys are when it comes to dating older men.
SAMUS
Yeah that is true but I assure you; I definitely take the cake when it comes to being different.
PARKER
I like that. Different is definitely good.
SAMUS nods agreeing with PARKER and to the surprise of both men MARY jumps in front of them holding a picnic basket in her right hand and a camera phone in her left. Both men stop walking and look at her.
MARY
(Takes a picture with her camera phone smiling)
Aww look how cute you two look. It warms my heart to see two men in love!
SAMUS and PARKER look at MARY in shock. PARKER is embarrassed and SAMUS is confused.
SAMUS
Um, excuse me Miss..can we help you with something?
MARY
(Places her hand on her chest gasping)
Miss? Oh no honey, please call me..Mom.
SAMUS
Mom?
PARKER
(embarrassed)
Mom!
SAMUS
(To Parker)
Mom?!
PARKER
(rubs his forehead in frustration)
This is Mary..(sighs) My mother.
SAMUS doesn't know what to say or think, he smiles at MARY and she waves at him.
MARY
(Has a wide smile on her face)
I didn't mean to intrude on your date. But once I saw that Porky-that's his nickname- was going on a date I couldn't believe it. It has been way too long since he ever went on one. So I logged on to his laptop and found the conversation you two had and I must say, you are very cute.
PARKER
(stunned and angry. He shakes his leg as if he was a child throwing a temper tantrum) You did what? (whines) Mom! Why are you touching my stuff?
MARY
(To Parker) Don't you 'mom' me, young man. I pay the rent as well as your electricity, phone and Netflix bills. If you didn't want me to snoop through your various social media accounts, then maybe you shouldn't make your password 'PorkyLovesFries'.
PARKER
(Crosses his arms across his chest as if he was a child denied a new toy)
SAMUS
I'm sorry to interrupt this erm..love fest? But what exactly is happening here?
PARKER
(shakes his head feeling embarrassed)
I am so sorry Samus.
MARY
(claps her hands together happily)
Your name is Samus? That is such a beautiful name! Did you know it's also the same name as the Third Macedonian poet? It's also the female variant of Sheamus, so I can tell; you're going to be the Bottom.
PAR
KER
(shocked)
Mom!
SAMUS
(Aside)
I need a drink.
MARY
Oh hush Porky! I know what you guys do in the bedroom. I've watched 'OZ' and 'Queer As Folk'. (To Samus) I used to watch 'Looking' but that fellah with the Dumbo ears was soooo annoying.
SAMUS
(nods smiling nervously)
Mhmm!
PARKER
Mom I am begging you to just stop.
MARY
(lifts her hands up in defeat)
Okay, Okay. (Remembers the basket she had in her hand) Oh I totally forgot! I prepared a basket for you boys.
SAMUS
That's so sweet of you, Mary-
MARY
Call me mom.
SAMUS
(aside)
Not gonna happen. (Smiles) Again that was so sweet of you, it was, but we were just going to check out this new Vegan restaurant down the street.
MARY
Oh. (surprised) You're a Vegan?
SAMUS
(shakes his head)
Not at all. I just like to try new foods.
MARY
I was about to say. (smiles) With a juicy booty like that you are faaar from Vegan.