*****
Dawnlight caressed Sarah’s face and coaxed her awake. It was early, but the huge curtainless window made it impossible to shut the light out, so she began a leisurely stretch then abruptly realized she wasn’t even under the pretty peacock quilt of the bed. In fact, she wasn’t even in her pajamas. She was wrapped in a soft white terry cloth robe with bright green leaves embroidered on it. She sat up and tightened the belt on the robe trying to remember how she’d gotten there.
The robe, she recalled, had been on a hook on the back of the door in the bathroom. She hadn’t been able to go to sleep the night before. Insomnia was a familiar friend to her, and at some point she made use of that enormous jade green tub in the bathroom, hoping a hot bath would sooth her into sleep. Then she remembered Benji, her Dad’s last goodbyes and groaned, suddenly feeling tired and un-rested once again.
When Todd said it was time for him to go, she feared Benji was going to lose it. Sarah tried to get him to behave, making him promise her not to throw a tantrum, but she was still unsure of him. She laid a hand on his shoulder when they all turned to look at their father, partly to comfort and partly to restrain. Benji’s face was red and scrunched up tight with emotion. However, he didn’t scream or throw any wayward punches. He turned and ran. Sarah started to move after him, not wanting him to be alone, but instead stayed put. She knew he would only begrudge her presence if she tried to follow him.
Todd’s hands were in front of him, as if he might have been reaching out to Benji for a hug. He ran both hands through his messy hair instead and said, “I have to catch a flight to San Francisco.” As if that explained everything.
The roomful of people was quiet for a moment, before the Landy’s rose and murmerd that it was good to have met Todd. They veered off to the dining room with their two kids. Uncle Matt did likewise and Aunt Rachel gave Todd a brief hug before walking into the kitchen, pulling Jessie in her wake. Then it was only Grandpa Lee, Tyler and Sarah facing him. For a moment they stood there, frozen in some warped tableau almost as if battle lines had been drawn and Todd was the only soldier left on his side.
Grandpa spoke up first. “You ought to see to your son.”
“He’ll be fine. He’s been . . . overly emotional of late.”
“Fine,” Grandpa said sharply. “Then you’d best get going before we remember we’re supposed to missing you.”
Sarah watched, startled, as her father’s face turned an alarming shade of purple. It sounded like a fight was on the horizon, but she was completely clueless as to why. Hadn’t their grandfather wanted this, too? She had thought he agreed with Dad leaving and his children staying here, but apparently not. Grandpa ended the strange tension by turning brusquely and marching into the dining room. The harsh color on her father’s face receded a bit.
“Tyler, .. .” Dad hesitated. “Tyler, I know you’ll do well here.” Dad reached out to hug him, but Tyler backed out of his arms mumbling “whatever” and “bye” before leaning against the wall again.
“Sarah?” Todd said, as if her name was a question.
Sarah loved her father. She loved her family, and she wasn’t sure that leaving her, Tyler and Benji was the right thing to do, despite what she told her little brother earlier. But if she was honest, and she tried hard to be honest at least with herself, Sarah knew that she wanted to be here. She wanted to be far from Mobile, far from the pressures and responsibilities that inhabited her old life. She wanted a new start. If that happened without Todd around, she would learn to be okay with it.
“I’ll miss you, Daddy,” she said and hugged him tightly. He seemed relieved as he hugged her back.
“I’ll call and write or something.”
“I know and you’ll be back for Christmas, too,” she reminded him.
He nodded, hugged her again and took his leave of them. She listened to the front door shut, the rental’s engine roar to life. The sound of crunching gravel rose and faded as the SUV headed down the drive, away from the sanctuary.
When she looked at Tyler, he was staring at her with an emotion close to outrage or indignation. She smiled faintly in response (no need for more negative feelings) and when her aunt and the others began wandering back into the room, she volunteered to go find Benji, so dinner could get underway.
She got halfway up the dark central staircase before she collapsed with her head in her hands. She would not cry, she could not cry. Gulps of air filled her lungs until she could breathe normally, again, until she could think. The scene in the parlor exhausted her. She’d never imagined it like that. Her father desperate to leave, but still desperate for their affection. Her brother with hate in his eyes. She could barely tamp down on her own emotions, why did everyone insist on throwing theirs at her too?
Grandpa’s reaction was the strangest. She noticed he didn’t seem pleased with Todd earlier, but he seemed perfectly nice when dealing with Tyler and Benji. He had looked at her funny when she stepped out of the SUV with a gaze that reminded her of the fear she saw in her father at the overlook. But it was gone so quickly it must have been her imagination at work again. Then that . . . . disappointment. Yes, that’s what it was. It was disappointment in his voice when he’d cut down her father. Sudden and jarring in its fierceness, it was wholly unexpected to Sarah.
Wondering at the odd behavior of her elders calmed her mind a bit and after a moment Sarah stood and considered where Benji might be. She hadn’t heard him leave the house. After trying his room and finding it empty, she impulsively decided to investigate the top of the stairwell before heading anywhere else.
At the top was what she assumed was the attic, and she found Benji lying in front of its door, bent over at the waist with his face in the floor and arms spread eagled. When she touched his shoulder he sat, but didn’t say anything.
For a moment, Sarah was scared. Benji looked fierce and oddly blank, but she told him dinner was ready and led him downstairs, thinking food and some supportive company would help. It didn’t.
Benji didn’t speak to anyone even when they asked him a direct question. He sat and ate and glared at nothing at all. After dinner, and a delicious blackberry cheesecake dessert, Benji swiftly retreated upstairs while Sarah and Tyler sat in the parlor with the others.
Sarah loved the dinner. It was obvious Aunt Rachel had gone to some trouble to make it special. The dining room, which looked out over the pool, was long and narrow. A large table in the center had been decorated with pink and white flowers as if for a party. The meal was three courses and the plate settings were a fine china edged with silver. It made Sarah feel rich and sophisticated despite the informal mannerisms.
Everyone talked and laughed and told stories. It was clear these people were a family. Even though the Landy’s and their two kids were unrelated, they were unequivocally included. There were a few moments during the evening when Sarah felt like an intruder, an outsider. But she was soon drawn in again by a question or conversation that piqued her interest. Even Tyler was at ease, getting into a heated discussion of basketball with Adam Landy and Uncle Matt.
At the end of the evening, Sarah actually felt content and comfortable. Jessie and Adam were going to give them a tour of the farm tomorrow morning and Aunt Rachel promised to show her something special. It was a good evening, despite its rocky start. Sarah hardly missed her father, which made her feel a stabbing guilt as the night wore on, but she tried to brush it away like a fly. Let me alone, she thought, winding down for the night. For once, she wished her unchecked emotions would let her alone.
*****
Chapter 6: Sleepless