His shirt was soaked where I'd cried solidly for sixty minutes. "Sorry," I mumbled, pulling back and wincing at the state of his t-shirt.
"Don't apologise," Lucas replied. "Are you okay now?"
"No," I finally admitted aloud. "I'm really not okay."
He nodded soberly. "What can I do?"
"Nothing. I'm not your problem. You don't need to do anything. Thank you for staying with me, though." I shuffled back so I was no longer on his lap or in his arms. That was harder that it should have been. I wanted to snuggle back and have him hold me until it all stopped hurting.
"Don't shut me out," he said. "I can help you."
"How?" He didn't have an answer for that because there wasn't one. I would just have to deal with it on my own. Or not. I felt the worst I had in a long time and every single part of me ached in the most painful way. I shouldn't have allowed myself to do that. I wanted those huge iron gates back up and my emotions locked safely away.
"I should go find my mum," I told him.
"Sure." He frowned, sighing so quietly I almost didn't hear him. Everything with Lucas was different. We were barely friends but we seemed like so much more.
"Mum?" I called, walking through to the living room. She was on her feet by the time I got to the room.
"Honey, are you alright?" She sniffed and pulled me into her arms. No. Fuck, I didn't want her to hug me. I closed my eyes, pushing everything away as hard as I could. Don't feel. Don't care.
I pulled back and did my best to smile. "I've got a headache so I'm gonna go to bed."
"Of course. Do you want me to get you some painkillers?"
Shaking my head, I took a few steps back. "I'll get some, but thanks." Lucas watched silently as I walked past him. I felt weak and I fucking hated it.
Never again.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Lucas
"Lucas." I looked up to see Alison and Ava in front of me. "She's in her room, give her a minute to sort herself out." When we got back she ignored everyone and locked herself in her room.
She was more upset than she'd ever tell anyone, even herself. I hated leaving her like that but she needed time. After thirty minutes her mum and sister had had enough worrying and went to check on her.
I was a little surprised. "She wants to see me?"
"Yeah, she said and I quote 'don't let him come up for five minutes because I look like crap' and then she ran to the bathroom." Ava tried to impersonate her voice, she failed miserably but it made everyone laugh and lightened the mood.
"So, she's good? Had she been crying again?"
Alison shook her head, her eyes darkening. "No, I don't think so. She's so...controlled now. I don't know how she does it."
"Have you thought anymore about counselling for her?" Mum asked.
"I have, but getting her to agree is impossible. She's seventeen; I can't force her, as much as I want to. I just wish she'd wake up and see what she's doing to herself and the rest of us."
"You think Kai helps?" I asked. "She told me he does but I can't see how."
She shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. I can't imagine he can be either, but if Tegan believes it I'm not sure if I should try to take that away."
I knew she should. Tegan needed someone to tell her what to do and mean it. If it was up to me I'd ban her from ever seeing him again, hell, I'd ban her from even thinking about him. It wasn't just the jealously talking either; she needed a clean break from all the bad to focus on healing and moving forwards.
I knocked on her door five minutes later.
"Come in," she called out.
That made a nice change from her telling me where to go.
She was sitting on her bed watching Family Guy and looking fucking gorgeous. She definitely hadn't been crying again but she did look sad. Her smile hid nothing.
"Hey."
"Hi," she said weakly and patted the bed.
I sat down, crossing my legs at the ankle and looked over at her. "You okay?"
"Yeah." She laid her head on my shoulder and it was ridiculous how much that small contact made my heart race. "I'm sorry about before, Luke."
"It's okay," I replied.
"It's not okay. I just needed you to stop talking, but you need to know that I didn't mean any of it. I really am sorry."
"You're forgiven," I said. She leant around and hugged me, burying her head in the crook of my neck.
I stroked her long hair. "So, does that mean you want to be with me?"
"Luke." She hesitated and I felt my heart drop. "I just-"
Fuck, why did I go there? I turned my head away, not wanting to look her in the eye when we had the same conversation about how she in fact didn't want to be with me.
"No, Lucas." She was pulling my arm so I faced her again "Look, it's not that I don't want to be, believe me, I do, I just need to take this slow. Really, really slow."
"So, you do want to be together?"
"Yes. I just don't want to rush anything."
Smiling, I put my arm around her. "Okay, I can do slow. Can I take you on a date? Nothing heavy or serious, just a casual date."
"Yep," she replied. "Just don't expect-"
I held the hand up that wasn't trapped behind her back. "No expectations, I swear. Where do you want to go?"
Laughing, she replied, "Zoo."
"Is that the only place you can think of?"
"Apparently. Anyway, you shouldn't ask me, if you were a real gentleman you would surprise me."
"You hate surprises." She shrugged. "Alright then."
"Alright what?"
"I'll surprise you."
She shook her head. "No, I was kidding."
"You can't have it both ways, Tegan."
"Yes, I can, I have breasts."
I laughed and tilted my head, getting lost in eyes that held so much hurt. "Thank you."
"For?"
"Giving me a chance."
"I'm giving us a chance. Just be patient with me."
I had a feeling this was going to take all the patience I had but I was willing to give it a go. I had to make things better for her and see what these feelings I had for her were all about.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Tegan
I didn't know why I'd insisted on taking it slow. He traced the back of my hand with his thumb. Going slow was stupid. I hand nothing to lose. So what if it went horribly wrong and he realised I wasn't worth it in a few months - or weeks - time? At least we would've had some fun.
I looked up at him. "Lucas?"
Glancing down, half watching the TV, he replied, "Yeah?"
"I changed my mind."
I had his full focus then. "What?"
Christ, he was slow. I hooked my leg over his and sat up so I was straddling him. Yeah, this was definitely a good idea. His eyebrows shot up but it took only a second for his hands to grip my waist.
"Are you actually going to kiss me, Luke?"
Laughing once, he pulled me closer and his lips touched mine lightly. He was a tease but I liked the way his breath tickled my skin and gave me goose bumps. Groaning, his hand slid up my side and into my hair. I wasn't sure how long I could sit on his lap, a centimetre from his face and not kiss him. My skin was on fire. Everything was on fire and he was doing nothing but look at me and copping a feel of the side boob as he went up.
Whatever self-control he had vanished quickly and then he kissed me hard, desperate and so deep it made my toes curl and my body arch into him.
He pulled away slightly and whispered against my mouth, "Are you sure you want to do this?"
I wasn't sure of anything anymore but he made me feel...something. "I'm sure," I replied. He kissed me again until we were both panting and things were starting to get a little bit more heated. I could feel how aroused he was and I was reaching the point where I'd just think 'fuck it' and strip him. Something was shouting, screaming that it wasn't a good idea and this time I couldn't ignore it.
"You okay?" he asked when I removed
myself from his lips and his lap. His hand had just started traveling up my top and I wasn't convinced that I wanted it there. I wasn't completely convinced that I didn't either.
"I'm fine," I said. "This is just a little soon for me." I was aware of how ridiculous that sounded coming from me, but if we wanted this to be anything more than a shag we were going to have to not get naked.
"Okay. I can wait, you know? I don't expect sex, Tegan. Hell, I didn't even expect you to tell me you wanna give this a try."
I nodded, biting my lip. Having a sex conversation with a guy was weird. Usually there would be no questioning or asking, we'd just do it and then I'd go on my merry way, pretending everything was still fine.
We fell asleep watching TV and when I woke it was almost midday. Lucas smiled like he'd won the lottery. Clearly he saw something in me that wasn't there.
"You want to go get some lunch?" I asked, stretching my muscles out.
"Definitely, I'm starving."
I was so glad he didn't push it or ask more questions because I was already sick of people asking me to explain every single thing I did or felt.
Lucas followed me off the bed and downstairs. I gave him a chaste kiss before going into the kitchen. "You can do that whenever you want, you know, shorty?"
Oh, no. Spinning around, I put my hands on my hips and raised my eyebrow. A little dramatic but the situation called for it. "I am not short."
He laughed, throwing his head back. "You had to stand on your toes to kiss me."
"Whatever." I turned and walked off. I was average size, maybe a little shorter. Anyway, he was giant-tall. Or maybe just six foot.
We joined my family and his for sandwiches and cake. No one mentioned last night or the fact that Lucas slept in my room. It did mean they'd guessed we were together. Mum looked happy, like she thought this was the answer to all my problems. I hoped it was.
"So, are we watching football while the girls are shopping?" Carl asked. I had to look away. That was something my dad would've asked my uncle, and had done, when they'd all come to visit.
According to Mum and Ava I should feel a sense of closeness to Carl. After all, he shared something with the guy we all loved like crazy. I didn't feel close to him. I felt like I wanted to run every time I saw him.
"Yeah, after we're all meeting at the pub for dinner," Jake replied, handing his dad a glass of water Ava passed him.
I tried to ignore Carl swallowing a bunch of pills. I didn't know exactly what they all did, because I was too scared to ask, but I knew basically they were keeping him alive.
And then I registered what the plans for the day were. Shopping with Mum, Ava, Emily and Grace. No. Not only were Mum and Ava like bloody besties but also they'd both formed pretty strong friendships with Emily and Grace. I wasn't sure who I wanted to spend the day with less.
"Are you looking forward to it, Tegan?" Grace asked.
No. "Sure," I replied.
Lucas's siblings tolerated me. I could tell that they had major reservations about Lucas being anywhere near me. Not that I blamed them. Still made it a bit awkward, though.
"Actually, I might go with the guys and watch football." Gender stereotypes could fuck off. I'd rather sit in a bar and watch men run around in shorts than go shopping with four women who would undoubtedly have a better time if I wasn't there.
Ava frowned and sat down, grabbing a sandwich. "You can't invade their man time, Tegan."
"I don't mind," Lucas said as he put his arm round me. Well, that confirmed us then.
She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I bet you don't. But what about Jake and Carl?"
Jake shrugged. He minded. Carl said, "I don't mind at all." I was pretty sure that Carl only liked me because he felt he had to.
"See," I said.
"Okay, fine. I'm sure we'll find some time to talk later."
"I'm sure she will," I said sarcastically.
Like she wanted to talk. Recently all of our 'conversations' had looked a lot like lectures. Miss Perfect didn't like how I was handling things. Well, I didn't like how she handled my handling things so we were both shit out there.
After lunch, I went to get ready but ended up in the music room, staring at the piano. I missed Dad so much. When the hell would the part where it got better happen? I felt like I was barely holding on the whole time. Not letting it wash over me was constant and exhausting. So many times I'd given myself permission to let it in and go through what Mum and Ava went through - were going through. But I was too scared of feeling how I felt the night he died. I would do anything to avoid hurting that much again.
I felt Lucas's arms round my waist and he pulled me against his chest. Focusing on him, I turned round and slipped my hands in his.
"You know I've never been to his grave. Do you think he'd be upset?"
Lucas looked shocked that I'd volunteered that piece of information. As a rule I didn't talk about Dad, but hell, I was trying.
"I didn't know him but from what I've heard he was a pretty great guy so I'm sure he understands."
"I think I want to go tomorrow. Will you come with me?"
"Of course, I will," he said, flashing that gorgeous smile at me. I stretched up and kissed him, making him smirk.
"Thanks. Ready to go to the pub?"
"Yeah, come on."
The pub we were going to was my favourite. Inside were the original red brick walls with a huge open fireplace. Tables and chairs were dotted around; there was an area with a large TV on the wall and three big brown leather sofas. The bar was carved out of light oak. There were two other rooms, one was the dining room and the other one had two pool tables. It was cute and relaxing.
"Tegan," Gino yelled in his sexy Italian accent. "Vieni qui, bella." Translated: come here, beautiful. Gino and his husband, Robbie, owned the pub. Rounding the bar, he opened his arms and locked me in a bear hug. "I haven't seen you for ages. Mi sei mancato."
"I missed you, too, Gino. Where's Robbie?" I'd picked up a little Italian from a couple holidays and Gino pretty much forcing me to learn.
"Getting changed, his last outfit was awful, apparently."
Robbie was perfectly groomed at all times, gorgeous and so white-blonde he made me look dark. Gino was the exact opposite with his olive skin, dark brown eyes and equally dark brown hair.
"Right, okay then," I said and he laughed.
"So, who are these gorgeous men, bella?"
"Gino, this is Jake and Carl." I pointed to them and he shook their hands. "And this is Lucas." I put my hand on Luke's chest. He wrapped one hand round my waist and shook Gino's hand with the other.
"Hey," Lucas said.
"Where are Kai, Holly, Sophie and the one that gets uncomfortable when I look at his arse."
Ah, James. Yes, he did get uncomfortable when Gino stared but it was funny. Adam also got uncomfortable but I'd seen less and less of him recently. He was constantly busy. "Kai was going out on his bike and then playing poker with James. I'm not sure what Holly and Sophie are doing."
Robbie appeared at the bar wearing dark blue denim jeans, a black belt, a crisp black and white shirt and black shoes. "Hey, Tegan," he said, giving me a crushing hug, too. "What can I get you since it looks like Gino hasn't bothered asking."
Rolling his eyes, Gino walked off to serve another customer.
We ordered drinks and sat down at a table with a good view of the TV. I chose the table closest to the window so me and Luke could sit on the bench but it still gave a good view of the screen.
"So, you're on hugging terms with the owners?" Lucas asked.
"I went out a lot."
Before he could say anything, I kissed him, not particularly wanting to get into what I was like not so long ago. I knew Luke had let it go when his tongue swept my bottom lip. It was also the time that Carl and Jake cleared their throats.
I pulled back, face flushed and sipped on the drink that'd appeared in front of me while I was kissing Lucas. Not one to get embarrassed easily, Luke glar
ed at his dad and brother.
I decided after about ten minutes that I didn't like men when they were moody because their team was losing so I went to sit with Gino. He leant across the bar and poured two shots of Limoncello.
Lucas went outside to get his phone out of his car and came back in five minutes later looking ready to kill. I'd never seen him so angry. Hopping off the stool, I made my way to him.
"Everything okay?"
"No," he said through gritted teeth. "I just met your amazing friend. Kai's a real dick, Tegan."
"Where is he? What happened?"
"Was here. Outside with another guy."
James?
My heart was beating a little too fast and not in a good way. "What happened?"
"Apparently, you'll be back in his bed before long."
I frowned. "What? Kai said that?"
"Yeah, and then his mate shoved him back in the car."
What was he doing here and what the hell was that?
Lucas took a deep breath and brushed my hair behind my ear. "Let's just forget the arsehole, okay?"
I didn't want to forget him. Something was going on. Kai had never shown any jealously before. We were friends and had agreed that. I felt a cold sinking feeling in my chest. I needed him as a friend but I couldn't have that if he wanted more.
"Was he drunk?"
Lucas snorted. "Sure looked it. Nice catch, by the way."
"Hey!" I snapped.
"Sorry. Seriously, let's forget him."
Nodding, I followed Luke back to the table. Something wasn't quite right with what he just told me. Kai didn't know I was with Lucas yet and I didn't believe he would've just said something like that unprovoked. I was going to find out, though.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Tegan
I woke up still feeling absolutely exhausted. I'd not slept all that much in the past few days and it was taking its toll. Lucas was leaving tomorrow and I wanted to ask him to stay a bit longer. But he had to work.
I found myself back in the music room at five in the morning, staring at the piano. Dad's aftershave filled the room, or I was imagining it was. It was comforting and painful at the same time. When it finally faded away that would be it forever.
The room felt smaller, the walls crept in inch by inch until I felt like I was in a prison cell. My heart raced and I braced myself against the piano. Shit, I can't breathe properly.
Someone touched me and I guessed Lucas because the arms curled around my waist. His chest was pressed to my back. I concentrated on staying in reality and not letting my mind pull me under.