"Are you family?" she asked.
"No, I'm her friend, but please, can you just tell me if she's okay?"
"I can't give out any information without the patient or guardian's permission. I'm sorry."
"Well, can you ask her mum to give her permission?" I asked through clenched teeth.
She sighed. Fucking sighed. "What's your name?"
"Kai Chambers."
"Hold a minute." Like I could do anything else. She was gone for what felt like an eternity. "Hello?" she said.
"I'm here. Is she okay?"
"She's had her stomach pumped and is quite drowsy but is doing well considering."
"So she's going to be okay?"
"She's doing fine."
That wasn't exactly what I asked but I'd take it right now. Leaning back against the headrest, I let out a deep breath. "Okay, thanks."
She hung up first without another word.
Dad looked at me out of the corner of his eye. "Is she okay?"
"At the minute, yeah." Physically anyway.
We drove the rest of the way in silence. Dad made a couple phone calls to Mum and I was under strict instructions to tell Tegan Mum'd upped her sessions to two a week, more if she felt she needed it. I called the hospital again a few times and was greeted by the same incredibly rude nurse who'd reluctantly given me information on how Tegan was doing again. I knew she was doing better but I still couldn't relax until I'd seen her.
Finally, we arrived at the hospital. I jumped out at the entrance and Dad went to park up. I walked through the doors and immediately wanted to turn around again. Isaac died in here. I felt physically ill as I tried to force out the images of his final days.
Thankfully I didn't have to go anywhere near the children's ward as Tegan had been put with the adults and had her own room.
"I'm here to see Tegan Pennells, where is she?" I said, leaning on the reception desk of her ward.
"Are you family?" she asked. The nurse, an aging woman with deep wrinkles and grey hair, was obviously a different woman to before, she was polite.
I was fucking fed up of people asking me that. "No, I'm her friend but-"
"I'm very sorry but only family can visit right now."
Like hell, I bet Lucas was in there.
"Please, I'm a friend and I just need to see her. I won't get in the way. Come on, five minutes, please." God, if she'd been young I would've flirted but that wouldn't get me anywhere with her.
"You're not family, sir, so I'm sorry but I can't allow you to go in."
"I don't care," I snapped.
"Sir, I understand-"
"In here, Kai!" Tegan shouted from a room next to reception. Her voice, although weak and groggy, was all I needed. My heart started beating again.
The nurse sighed. "Five minutes."
"Thank you," I said, shoving off from the desk.
I stopped walking when I saw her. I think I also stopped breathing. Everything faded away and there was only her. She was curled up on the bed, exhausted but perfect.
"We'll give you some time," Lucas said. He kissed her on the cheek and walked out with Alison and Ava. I hated the prick but that was pretty decent of him.
I didn't take my eyes off her once as I walked over to the bed. My heart felt like it was trying to rip out of my chest. She's okay. I sat down and pulled her into my arms. I wanted to speak but I couldn't. She cried when I dug my fingertips into her back but I knew I wasn't because I was hurting her.
"Shh," I whispered. Fuck, she was okay. She sobbed into my neck for a little longer while I tried to figure out why I still felt far too many emotions to count.
"Sorry," she said, pulling away and wiping the remainder of her tears. She was pale, much more than usual. She'd be feeling pretty sick about now I'd imagine.
"Promise me you'll never do anything like that again. You're my best friend and I can't lose you."
Looking up, she smiled with her eyes and replied, "I promise. You're not getting rid of me that easily."
"Good, 'cause I kinda like having you around." Let's face it, I loved having her around. "When can you go home?" I wanted her out. People died in this building and she had no place being here.
"I'm hoping tomorrow. I have to see some counsellor in the morning and convince her I don't want to die. Hopefully, she'll believe me and I can get the hell outta here."
I took a deep breath. "You don't want to die, do you?"
She shook her head and pleaded with her eyes for me to believe her. "What I did was stupid but it made me realise that I want to live. Really live."
I believed her and sighed in relief. "Good," I whispered and kissed the top of her head again. "My mum said two sessions a week. If you need more let her know."
"Thank you," she said. "Oh, how're your grandparents?"
She was seriously asking me that after everything that'd just happened?
I did not want to have this conversation but I also couldn't talk about death and suicide anymore either. "They're good. They want to meet you."
"Really? Talk about me much, do you?" she asked. Shit. Busted.
"A little." She tilted her head and continued to stare at me.
"So, tomorrow you're busting out," I said, trying to stop her intense little gaze from pulling my true feelings out of me.
"I'm bugging them to let me go from the second I wake up."
"If they won't let you I'll bust you out."
She laughed and winced. "I'll hold you to that."
"You alright?"
"Yeah, but I've never felt so sick before in my life. I just need to stay still and I'll be fine."
I pulled the thick blanket over her. "Sleep it off, princess."
"I will if you sing to me," she whispered, already settling down and closing her eyes.
I sang Just the Way You Are quietly in her ear until she fell asleep.
Chapter Forty-Two
Kai
I sat at my desk at seven in the fucking morning, trying to focus on the computer screen. I'd never been in so early before, especially at the weekend. In fact this was only my second weekend in the year I'd worked here.
I was going crazy at home. Work was supposed to take my mind off Tegan and what she'd tried to do. It wasn't. I felt sick and angry and as terrified as the day we found out Isaac had Leukaemia.
Visiting time for me - a non-family member and non-boyfriend - wasn't until one o'clock. Lucas shouldn't even be allowed to go in the morning but Tegan's mum had swung it somehow. I fucking hated him.
"You alright?" Dad said, walking into my office and closing the door behind him.
I shrugged. "Sure."
"Tegan doing okay?"
"She's doing good, yeah."
Dad sat down and I knew I was about to have a deep and meaningful conversation with him. "That's good. She's a good girl."
I was glad he could see that, too. Under the I-don't-give-a-shit-anymore exterior she was a good person.
"How are things?"
"Things?" I asked, pretending I didn't know what he was talking about.
"You. How are you?"
"I'm fine, Dad."
"You finally get your life together and meet a girl you really like and she's with someone else."
"Thank you, anytime you want to bring that up..." I said.
He held his hands up. "I'm sorry. I just worry about you, don't want to see you hurt."
Then I definitely wasn't going to tell him that being in love with someone who was with someone else fucking killed.
"I'll be alright. She's got a lot of stuff to go through and as much as I want to be with her I wouldn't want to do that until she's okay."
"You think she'll want you?"
"Why'd you say it like that? No qualifications and working for my dad, I'm a fuckin' catch!" I couldn't keep the sarcasm from my voice. Now I knew I wasn't going to be many people's first choice but I would do whatever it took to make Tegan happy.
He rolled his eyes. "You know I didn't m
ean anything by it. If you two are meant to be you'll find each other. I just worry about you putting everything into this when she's with Lucas and you don't know if she'll be single anytime soon."
I wanted to either ban his name or get everyone around me to refer to him as 'Pukas'. He made me feel sick. But I should probably exercise a little more maturity than that.
"Maybe they'll work out and if he truly makes her happy I'll be happy for her. But I remember when you don't know how you feel or who you really are anymore. I wouldn't wanna be the guy coming into a relationship with someone that felt that way. What you want when you find yourself again isn't always what you thought you wanted when you were... elsewhere."
Dad sighed. "I'm sorry, Kai."
"What for?"
"You're very much in love with her."
"You're sorry for that because?"
"Because it might not work out the way you want it to."
"Life has a habit of doing that. Whatever happens, I'll be alright."
I'd never make the first move, so she either realised Lucas wasn't for her and I was or I stayed the friend. As long as I could be one of those to her I'd be fine.
"I hope so, and you know, I don't think there's just one person out there for you anyway."
I raised my eyebrow. "Never let Mum hear you say that."
He cracked a smile then added, "I'm serious. Millions of people move on or lose someone they love and find another. You've probably got the one in every county."
"Definitely don't tell her that."
"Son, I've not made it this far without having an in-front-of-Mum filter."
"You went back to Mum, how can you believe your one in every county theory."
He shrugged. "I've only lived in this one."
"Touche. I get what you mean, though. I'm young and ridiculously good looking, plenty fish in the sea."
"Hmm. You know you're playing this too cool and casual?"
"Whadda you want from me?"
"The truth," he said.
"Fine. I won't be perfectly alright. It'd suck and I'd hate every second of watching her with him ten times more than I already do, but there's nothing I can do but wait it out and hope she'll realise we should be together. Happy?"
"Happy you're being honest, yes."
Sighing, I leant back in the seat and closed my eyes. "I want to be the one with her right now, holding her and telling her that if she ever did anything so fucking stupid again I'd kick her arse."
I was angry, fucking angry. Isaac lost his life and Tegan almost threw hers away by choice, but I understood what it was like to be in such a dark and desperate place that you didn't know if there was even a way out.
"I want to be the one that makes it better and I know right now Lucas isn't even doing that. He's masking it and it was bound to blow up eventually - again. I want to be with her so fucking bad, but I want it to work." I sat up. "What happened to me?"
Dad laughed.
"No, seriously? God, I'm annoying myself. I'm such a sappy twat. How have you not punched me by now?"
"You're in love."
"So? If I start sounding like Romeo again, kick me."
He shook his head, sighing. "Suck it up, son. Even the most macho of men turn a little soft for the one they love."
"Not saying I'm macho, just not like a little girl."
"You never consider telling her how you feel? Maybe if she knew..."
"No," I replied. "She doesn't need that. I won't be the one who screws things up even more and I won't risk her telling me to do one. If we happen I want to know it's because she wants it and not because I've messed with her head and made her question everything."
"But you want her to think you should be together."
"No, I want her to know we should." There was a massive difference. "I want her to know we're meant to be together when she's thinking clearly. I don't want any confusion in her mind when and if she makes a choice."
"What if she's too lost to see it? Some people need a nudge."
I shook my head. "She lost until she deals with her dad's death and allows herself to grieve. After that I'll just see what happens. I won't screw anything up for her."
"And if she goes ahead thinking all you want is friendship and things with Lucas go well."
My chest ached.
What would I do if they stayed together? Watch them get engaged, move in, married, have kids?
I rubbed the ache roughly. "I'll deal with that. I like to think I know her pretty well and if I think she's got feelings for me, even if she doesn't realise, then I'll do the bastard thing and kiss the crap outta her. But unless I see that she feels something for me, it's all on her terms."
"Kids nowadays," he said and tutted. "Well, when everything blows up I'll be here."
"How reassuring, Dad, thank you."
Raising his hands over his head, he stood up. "If you will play games..."
"It's not game playing, it's called patience. But if patience doesn't work I'll just-"
"Kiss the crap outta her. Yeah, I got it. Good luck, Kai." He left the room, laughing under his breath and shaking his head.
Tegan's ring tone blasted through my phone. I had it answered and up to my ear in an instant. "Hey."
"Hey, Kai," she said.
"You okay?"
"I'm... good, I guess. Are you back at your nan's now?"
"Err, no, I'm at the office. I'll be at the hospital to see you later."
"What? Kai, you should go back and spend the weekend with your family. I'm fine, really. I think I'm getting out later anyway."
There was no way I was going anywhere. I couldn't. Dad'd refused to leave, too. He was worried that if the worst happened I'd need someone.
"I don't want to go back," I said.
"I'm so sorry. I feel awful that I ruined your weekend."
"You haven't ruined my weekend." She nearly gave me a heart attack but she hadn't ruined my weekend. "Tegan, don't feel guilty."
"You're mad?" she whispered.
Yes. "Don't you ever do anything like that again."
"I won't. I was so..." She gulped and took a deep breath. "I don't know how to explain it. There was just darkness and pain and I couldn't breathe. There was no way out that didn't hurt more than ending it. But I know I don't want to die. I want to live and I want to do something that'll make my dad proud of me."
I closed my eyes and ran my hand through my hair. "I get it." There had been many occasions in the four years I was lost that I'd considered ending it all. Difference was I'd never tried it. When it came down to it I couldn't put my parents through the pain of burying another child.
"What time are you visiting?"
"I can't come until one."
"What? My mum'll be here in a bit so just come now."
It didn't take a lot to convince me to go see her. "I'll see you soon." I replied.
"Bye."
I hung up, feeling a little more relieved and a little less angry.
***
There was no one around when I got to the hospital. Well, there was but I avoided them and slipped through the ward door when the nurse's back was turned.
Alison and Ava were already in her room and I could tell why she wanted me there. They were, understandably, watching her like a hawk; exchanging looks that screamed don't let her out of your sight. I'd be the same but, fuck, Tegan must've felt suffocated.
Lucas was sitting in the corner of the room, drinking coffee. It was clear from the icy stare that he didn't want me around. I couldn't give a shit what he wanted, though.
"Hello, Kai," Alison said at the same time Tegan looked up and beamed. That was why I was here. That petite girl that tied me up in knots and made everything seem that much better. Even though I'd made my peace with my past I still struggled with the darkness, struggled to keep it from sucking me back in but Tegan brought this light with her, not that she could see it. I was worried that she'd suck me back into the darkness but the opposite happened. She made me
want to achieve more.
"Hey," I said, giving her family a quick nod and making my way to the bed. "Know when you're getting out yet?"
She turned her nose up. "They're doing the paperwork. Apparently I should be out soon. Sorry, they told me just a minute ago or I wouldn't have asked you to come."
"Don't worry, it's fine. Hey, I spoke to my mum last night and she said add a Monday to your sessions. That day good?"
"Perfect, thank you."
She looked over to her mum. "Please? I don't want to talk to some stranger."
Alison nodded. "Whoever you're comfortable with, sweetheart, remember what Judy said, you have to be comfortable. I'll speak with her and perhaps she can contact Melanie, too."
"Thanks, Mum." Tegan turned to me. "Tell Melanie I'm in then," Tegan said, grinning up at me.
"Will do," I replied, trying not to get lost in her big, bright green eyes right in front of her family and Pukas. Dad was right, I was completely in love with her.
Chapter Forty-Three
Tegan
"Do you want something to eat or drink?" Mum asked, rearranging the blanket so it was fully covering my legs.
"I'm fine, Mum, thanks." My stomach still felt dodgy and I didn't want to eat much beyond toast.
She smiled weakly and sat down beside me. I laid my head on Luke's shoulder and he put his hand on my knee. He'd not left my side since I came home and neither had Mum or Ava. I was being watched twenty-four-seven. It was exhausting to pretend I was okay when I wasn't.
The atmosphere was tense. No one could relax and it made me feel worse. I could see the panic in Mum's eyes every time I went to the bathroom. I wasn't going to do it again, it was stupid, so stupid, but I had no idea how to convince everyone else that I wouldn't. Time was the key. I knew time healed a lot but it moved too slowly for me. When you were desperately willing for months to pass so you wouldn't feel so bad months seemed to take years. Time sucked.
I kept my eyes on the TV, trying to ignore Lucas and Mum having a silent conversation about me. I shuffled, trying to show them that I was still in the room. I'd prefer if they just came out and said whatever was on their mind.
With the tenth 'discrete' look between them, I'd finally had enough. Standing up, I said, "I'm going up to have a nap."