I wished it had been Tegan who'd told me what'd happened but as much as I wanted it to come from her I just wanted to bloody know. Sophie, thankfully, had a big mouth. Soph didn't say when but I could tell it hadn't been too long ago.
It was weird, back when I was exactly where Tegan is I thought I was the only one in the world that couldn't deal with death in the 'normal' way. I could see the same thought in her eyes.
Breathing deeply, she stretched her back, arching her naked body into mine. Two bright, leafy eyes locked on me and she smiled. Tegan's eyes were an incredible shade with brown around the iris and yellow around the pupil. As amazing as they were they were also pained and withdrawn.
She'd done a bloody good job of alienating the people in her life and building a wall around herself, much better than I did. I still gave a fuck and that pissed me off and made me retaliate even more. Right now Tegan was made of stone.
"Hey," I said, running my hand down her back and across the top of that peachy arse.
"Hey." She traced one of the waves tattooed on my arm. "You got any painkillers?"
"Sore head, have we?"
She smirked. "Not too bad but I want to take something in case."
"I'll get you some in a minute. What time do you need to go home?"
Her eyes flicked to the alarm clock on my bedside table. "I have an hour," she said, tracing the tattoo across my shoulder and then leaving it to head lower. "Do you have anywhere to be?"
I licked my dry bottom lip and pulled her flush with me. "I do now."
She tilted her head back when I planted the first kiss at the base of her throat. Rolling her onto her back, I kissed down between her breasts. "Will you let me take you back on my bike?"
"That depends," she replied.
I took her nipple between my teeth and flicked the tip with my tongue. "On what?"
"On how good this is going to be."
Pulling away, I smirked at her. "Are we running a reward system right now?"
"Yes. Do the thing with your fingers and mouth and I'll consider it. Do the thing where I'm on your lap and you're using those fingers and it's a dead cert."
If I wasn't so hard I was aching before...
I laughed. "Like that, do we?"
She nodded, pulling her lip between her teeth. "I more than like that."
I sat up and pulled the cover all the way off her, shoving it on the floor. "Stand up, Tegan."
"Huh? That's not how we do that."
"I know. Stand up."
I watched her rise up in front of me and couldn't keep my hands off her toned legs. No one had ever managed to get to me the way she did.
"Why am I standing?" she asked, looking down at me.
Running my hands up her legs, I forced them open and her eyes widened with realisation. My smile grew. "Yeah, that's why."
"Kai," she breathed, chest heaving.
Fuck, seeing her turned on was almost enough to make me blow. I sat on my knees, kissed her hipbone and grazed my teeth along it. She swore loudly and her fingers tangled in my hair.
God, I wanted her so bad but I wanted to make her scream first. I wanted to get her so hot and worked up that she begged me to take her. I had barely touched her and she was already panting and trying to shove my head down to where she wanted it.
"You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?"
I nodded against the inside of her thigh. Damn straight I was. By the time I kissed to the top of her legs she was as ready as me. "Kai, fuck."
"Soon, princess, but right now I'm going to make you come with my tongue."
She squirmed. "Then do it."
"Wider," I said, nudging her legs further apart.
I groaned and pulled her closer. I could do this to her forever. I loved the way she reacted, the way she moved involuntary in tune with what I was doing with my mouth.
She could turn a room blue when she was being pleasured and I had a hard time staying in control when a string of swearwords mixed with my name left her mouth.
I felt her body stiffen as she came. She cried out something incoherent and pulled my hair until it stung my scalp. Her legs gave way and I let go of her weight causing her to crash down on my lap.
Her head flopped against my shoulder. "I love it when you come like that," I said, rubbing my aching cock against her stomach.
She laughed. "Me, too. You made me love sex."
She didn't love it before? I knew why she'd slept around but I assumed she at least enjoyed the physical act.
I didn't know what to say so I kissed her neck. "Turn around, I'm going to fuck you now."
Sitting up alarmed, she said, "I'm too sensitive for you to touch me yet."
"I know."
"Kai..."
"Trust me, Tegan. Turn around."
I reached over to grab a rubber from my drawer while she span around on my lap. I could feel her nervousness still.
"I won't do anything you won't like," I whispered in her ear as I grabbed my erection and lined it up right where I was dying to be.
She sat down on me and gasped. "I know you won't."
I needed her trust because she'd just come and this was going to be intense. She sank down as far as she could go and I moaned into the skin of her neck. "Fucking hell," I hissed. She was made for me, fit me perfectly, squeezing me with every movement.
I reluctantly let go of one of her firm breast and ran my hand down her stomach. "Kai!" she said, grabbing my hand as I moved below her belly button.
"Trust me," I repeated.
It took her a second to let go but when she did I felt something shift inside me. Her trust meant more than it probably should at this point.
She cried out and tried to squirm away from me when I touched her. "Kai, I can't, it feels like it's burning."
"Shh, I know." Come on, just give me a little bit longer.
I would've stopped but she didn't stop raising her hips and letting them drop or gripping my thighs so hard I'd have half moons cut into the skin. She felt almost too good. I fought to stop my eyes rolling back in my head.
I pressed a little firmer and she moaned my name, still clearly overwhelmed as she held back. "Let go, Tegan."
"I can't," she said through gritted teeth.
She clawed my legs, thrashing on top of me as I increased pressure again, rubbing her at the same speed as she fucked me. I wasn't going to last long so I fucking hope she was as close as she felt.
"Ahh," she shouted. "Shit, Kai, shit."
Her walls tightened to the point where I could barely move inside her, then they clenched down over and over as she came around me. I followed a second later, biting down on her neck.
"Jesus," she said, flopping back against my chest.
"Glad you trusted me?"
"Oh, yeah." I laughed and kissed below her ear. "Want to join me in the shower?" she asked.
"You don't need a reply, right?"
Shaking her head, she giggled and lifted off me. I'd not heard her laugh like that before, so relaxed and free. What the hell was she doing to me?
"Give me a minute," she said, smiling over her shoulder. I watched her walk from my room, staring at her naked form. She was beautiful, so much that I felt a stir downstairs already.
I liked her but I wasn't stupid; I knew what I was to her. The problem I had was that she was quickly becoming something a lot more to me. I'd gone through five years of hell and fought for the next one to get myself and my life back together. The last thing I needed was something to mess everything up again and Tegan had the power to do that. She was addictive and maddening and I knew if I let myself I could fall right back into my old ways and have the fucking time of my life with her.
But neither of us needed that.
We did need each other, though. There was something about her that chose me. Not chose in any conscious or deep and meaningful way, but out of the guys she'd had casual one-night stands with she stopped with me. I knew it meant more than just her enjoying me making her come like a train.
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I didn't expect it to be easy and I knew I'd have to watch her struggle, but whatever we had or could have was worth hanging around to find out.
Chapter Nine
Tegan
We pulled up outside their house thirty minutes later and I froze. It all looked perfectly normal, a new-looking yellow brick house with a perfectly manicured garden. It might as well have a white picket fence surrounding it instead of the short green hedge.
I so don't want to be here.
The front door opened before we even got out of the car, they must've been watching out for us. At least they were as eager to see us as Mum and Ava were to see them. Taking a deep breath, I shoved every emotion threatening to surface back down as far as it would go and got out of the car.
Emily, greeted us with a warm smile. "Hi. Welcome," she said, hugging Mum and then Ava. I stood back and dropped my gaze to the floor.
Please, don't.
Emily seemed to respect that I wasn't in a hugging mood and invited us in. "Carl's in the living room at the minute. He wanted to get up to greet you but..."
"Oh," Mum said, waving her hand. "Don't worry about that. We understand. How is he today?"
I stopped listening and looked around. I was glad the guy was okay, I wouldn't wish death upon anyone, but it was hard to hear how well my father's heart was doing inside someone else.
The ivory walls were lined with wooden picture frames, full of their family history. I recognised one of Lucas, his brother, Jake, and Grace as children. They had the same big cheeky smile and were buried in the sand down to their waist.
"Hi." Startled, I spun around. Lucas smiled and leant against the wall. We were alone in the hallway, but I could hear my mum's voice in the next room. "How're you doing?" he asked.
I shrugged. "Fine. You?"
"I'm doing good." He had every reason to be doing well; his dad was still here. "You coming through?" he asked, nodding his head towards what I assumed was the living room. The room where Carl was.
Lock it all away.
"Yes," I replied and followed him through to a large lounge.
Carl was lying back slightly on the reclining chair, covered by a red checked blanket. I hadn't ever seen him before. He smiled as he spoke to Mum and Ava but he looked pale and tired. Grace and Jake sat on the sofa next to him like they were guarding him.
He looked up and his eyes locked on me. I felt the air leave my lungs as if someone had just jumped on my chest. It took me a minute to regain control but I did. I smiled, I think.
"Hello, Tegan," Carl said.
"Hi," I mumbled under my breath and looked to Mum for help. It was too much. My heart felt like it was being ripped apart, and I felt seconds from bursting into tears. I don't want to cry!
"Come help me with drinks," Lucas said, nodding to the door again, seeming to know I was about to lose it. I smiled gratefully and followed him out of the room. A heavy weight lifted from my shoulders as I walked into the kitchen.
"I know this is a little weird and awkward but I'm glad you guys came," he said, filling the kettle. "Hot or cold drink?"
"Cold, please."
"Coke?" he asked, holding a can out.
"Thanks," I said, taking it from his outstretched hand. It was more than a little weird and awkward. It was messed up, and I wanted nothing to do with it.
***
Emily was doing her best to make us all feel welcome, fussing around, showing us the rooms where we'd be staying and asking if we wanted anything. Grace took Ava up to her room to drop her stuff off and Emily told Lucas to show me up to the room I was staying in.
I'd be happier sleeping in the car but I thanked Emily and followed Lucas to the third floor.
The room was nice, painted in light fawn with a few paintings hanging on the walls. It had a double bed, chest of draws and a vanity table. You couldn't really fit anything else in there but it was big enough for one.
"Thanks for showing me up here and for carrying my bag, you didn't have to do that," I said.
He grinned. Lucas was gorgeous - tall, muscular, light brown hair and light blue eyes. It annoyed me. I didn't want to find him attractive.
"No problem," he said, taking a step closer to me. "Hey, are you really okay?"
"I'm fine."
His eyebrows pulled together, like he thought I was lying. I was. Chewing on my lip, I broke our eye contact and stared at the floor.
"Right. I'll be in my room if you need me, it's the one next to this," he said while handing me my hoodie. I reached for it and our fingers brushed. It was only for a second but I felt something flutter deep inside me. No. Screw that, I didn't want to feel.
His eyes immediately snapped to mine as if he felt it, too. I was stunned and absolutely terrified. This could not be happening. It was just a little glitch. He was good-looking and that was it.
I took a step back, stiffening my back and clenching my jaw. I will not feel. Being numb was easier. He looked at me confused, pained, not knowing what I was doing or thinking. My heart beat faster and it made me feel sick. He needed to go or I did.
I had to get away from him. "I'm gonna go find my mum." Darting around him, I took the stairs two at a time to get away from him. This is not happening. For the first time since Dad died I wanted to go home.
Chapter Ten
Tegan
The second I opened my eyes my head started pounding lightly, just enough to royally piss me off. The small bottle of vodka I'd brought with me was half empty and lying on the floor. The hangover wasn't actually that bad, at least it gave me something to focus on.
Every second I spent in their house made me sink further into the water. It hadn't even been twenty-four hours yet.
"Tegan?" Ava called through the door. Sitting straight up, I snatched the bottle from the floor and shoved it under the pillow. "Are you okay?" She was opening the door and leaning against the frame.
No.
"Yeah. Tired. You?"
"I'm good. Listen, we're all going to Emily's art gallery. Jake's staying with Carl so you can stay too but it might be nice if you came with us."
If I weren't so torn I would've laughed. Go to an art gallery with half of Carl's family or stay here with him. "Not really. I just want to sleep." At least if I stayed up here I could curl up under the cover and pretend I was anywhere else.
"I thought you might say that. Emily said to help yourself, but Jake's here so ask him, okay?"
Yes, Mum! Jesus, I still knew not to just help myself in a virtual stranger's house.
"Okay."
She walked into the room and kissed the top of my head before leaving. I got a glimpse of our old relationship. It was nice but it could never be the way it was before so there was no point in getting cut up over the loss of my relationship with her, too.
As soon as I heard them all leave I got up, ready to take a shower before my day of hiding in bed commenced, but a knock on the door made me jump. Jake?
"Yeah?" I said slowly.
Lucas walked in and smiled. Shit, why did he stay back? His eyes immediately fell on mine and my heart skipped a beat. His gaze was so intense it made my mouth run dry. I wished that he had no effect on me at all. Clenching my jaw, I pushed away my stupid feelings.
"Art's not really my thing either," he explained. "Do you wanna do something?"
"Something?" I frowned. "Like what?"
"Whatever you want," he replied. "You want to go out somewhere?"
Oh, God, did they put him up to this? Was Lucas my bloody babysitter for the day?
"There must be something you wanna do, Tegan?"
Hide away. That was the plan.
I stared at him in horror. "Not really," I replied, wishing the ground would swallow me up.
"Come on. We can go anywhere. You must want to do something."
Oh, for fuck sake! "The zoo," I snapped.
His mouth broke into a breathtaking grin. "You want to go to the zoo?"
Right, dude doesn't get sarcasm
. I frowned defensively. "You asked. A lot."
"Okay then. Be ready in half an hour." He turned and walked out the door. Well, that backfired. I stared after him. Were we seriously going to the zoo? I didn't want to go anywhere, especially not with him and his annoying making-me-feel-something ways.
It would be okay, though. What was the worst that could happen? He wasn't a psycho killer and my attraction was purely physical. He had a nice face, that was it. I'd go and he'd end up annoying me even more so I wouldn't want anything to do with him by the end of the day. It was perfect.
After a very quick shower, I got dressed and decided that make-up wasn't needed for the zoo. And it would help put Lucas off. I needed him to not like me, which shouldn't be too hard. Even I knew I'd changed beyond recognition and not for the better.
Lucas was waiting for me by the front door. He leant against the wall, looking up the stairs. I took him in as I walked down. His square-ish jaw and striking eyes made him look like a bloody male model. He was dressed casually, jeans and a grey t-shirt.
Why couldn't he just be unattractive? I wished he had boils all over his face and rotting, brown teeth.
He watched me as I walked downstairs. My heart was racing. Finally, when I reached the bottom he said, "You ready then?"
"Are we really going to the zoo?" I asked. It couldn't seriously be somewhere that he wanted to go? I didn't want to go but I couldn't back down now.
"That's what you wanted. Your wish is my command." He did a little bow as he opened the door. I couldn't help smiling. "We're leaving now, Dad, Jake."
I lowered my eyes, grateful he didn't make us go into the living room to say bye.
Jake shouted back, "Have fun."
Getting out of the house couldn't come quick enough, I practically ran to his car. He said nothing but gave me a look that told me he knew I wasn't comfortable being around his dad. I wasn't really comfortable being around any of them.
Lucas started the car and pulled out of the drive.
It took just over an hour to get to the zoo. If I knew that before I wouldn't have suggested going, I assumed there was one close by. Not that I consciously suggested going in the first place.
Besides a little small talk we stayed mostly silent. I half wanted to ask about Carl and the surgery but I wasn't sure I could do it without breaking down. Lucas, although acted carefree, clearly wasn't. He worried about his dad. I didn't know a lot about heart transplant recipients but I knew enough to understand that the operation wasn't the end of it and he would need treatment for the rest of his life. It must be difficult for them all, but at least they still had him around.