A PATRIOTIC BARBER IN FAULT
A few years ago I was employed to watch "the other side" in a hotlycontested election. It was my first engagement of the kind, and Isharpened my wits in order that I might fairly earn my fee,--which thereader may be glad to know was a handsome one. Perhaps he may also bepleased to learn that I am an impartial man. It is true that, on theoccasion I now speak of, I was employed by the agent of the Liberalcandidate; but I have, on other subsequent occasions, rendered service,and I believe good service, to Conservative gentlemen who now wear thetitle of M.P. During this election many curious little incidents tookplace, as they always do at elections, and one of them I propose torelate. By the way, there is nothing which quickens human ingenuity likea vigorous electioneering struggle. Wit, humour, desperate practicaljoking, and ingenious stratagems, crowd in such exciting profusion, thatsometimes the strict rules of moral propriety are hidden or get confusedbefore the eyes of the parties concerned. Sometimes I think I behavedunhandsomely towards the barber of whom I am about to speak. At othertimes I think it served him right. The reader shall decide between myfirst and my second thoughts on this head.
In the borough of W---- there lived one John Shufflebotham, a barber whoearned a livelihood--that is to say, earned or got money to buy scantyfood, little raiment, plenty of beer, and a liberal supply of strongerwaters for the consumption of himself and Mrs. Shufflebotham--by theexercise of his trade, or "profession," as he styled it, and it wasbelieved in no other way. This barber had a reputation for shaving hiscustomers as clean as they could wish for a penny each--and he would dothe job at half the price for regular patrons--and for cropping anyrough and stubborn head of hair, popular tradition, and the tariff onhis door-post, declared threepence to be a fixed or immovable charge.This, however, was not the only character which John Shufflebothamenjoyed. He was esteemed a man of principle; thoroughly incorruptible.Not a breath of suspicion of his political honesty had ever been floatedon the turbid atmosphere of W---- at the most prying time--say justafter the settlement of accounts between the "free and independentvoters" and the candidates. I was told that John Shufflebotham wouldn'trequire to be looked after. He had never taken a bribe, and to offer himone would insure any man an ignominious chastisement. The barber was astout man, and although beer or whisky had perhaps softened his brain alittle, and rendered his muscles somewhat flaccid, there was strengthenough in his legs to wield a heavy boot with almost terrible force.
This barber had acquired a degree of influence over sterling, honestworking men by his reputed incorruptibility to an extent that he wouldnot otherwise have gained, so that it became rather important to obtainhis support on behalf of our candidate.
At the commencement of the struggle it was believed that JohnShufflebotham would, as a matter of course, vote for our candidate; butthis was a miscalculation. It appeared that something had turned thecurrent of his political sympathies. He was down in the former poll-bookas having voted for the Liberals, and so it was expected that he wouldvote again, bringing with him to the hustings about twenty honestfellows who believed in him.
On the contrary, he soon intimated that he had come to believe the Whigswere a little worse than the Tories. He did not think they cared, eitherof them, for poor working men like him or any of his customers, but thatthey (the Whigs and Tories) were both thieves. If he must vote, he wouldturn and turn about. Perhaps he should be inclined to give the Tories aturn this time; but he didn't know. He wasn't at all sure about iteither way.
This man's defection from our cause produced a little alarm. The feelingof which he appeared to be the exponent was also, upon inquiry, foundrather more extensive than was at first thought possible. It ran beyondthe pale or circle of the barber's supposed influence; and to makematters rather worse, the barber, when assailed by a patron forapostasy, or urged to stand by his old colours, was compelled, as hesaid, to argufy in his own justification, which attracted othercustomers to his house, and it became the arena of controversy. JohnShufflebotham was acquiring a reputation for oratory, in addition to hisother qualities.
It was not my proper business to win over friends. My function was tolook after foes; but I was taken into confidence about the case of JohnShufflebotham. The chief agent of the candidate quoted the observationof some old dead statesman about every man having his price, and Iagreed with him to learn what the price of the vote and influence ofJohn Shufflebotham might be. This view was arrived at by our agent onlythe day before polling, and it was then overruled by one or two peoplein the secrets of the head committee-room, who had a control over theincidents of the election.
Next day the polling began. It was a day of wild excitement. Beer andspirits and food were distributed _ad libitum_ to the whole populationby one side and the other. Drunkenness was the only generalcharacteristic of civilisation in that parliamentary borough by twelveo'clock on the day for electing one of the prime wisdoms of the countryto represent that town in the Legislature of Great Britain. Money wasbeing spent profusely in bribes; voters had been "bottled"--that is tosay, made drunk and then fastened up in a public or other house. Thesewere the men who could not be induced to vote for us, or who dared notso vote because of something or other, but who voluntarily submitted tothis process as a mid-way of service to us. Some electors were at anyrisk drugged, and hindered from obeying the dictates of politicalfeeling. Some men were taken out of the town in vehicles. Respectabilityof every kind hid its head. Ruffianism and common vice of every kind hadall their own way.
John Shufflebotham had not yet voted, nor had many of his friends. TheTories had lauded him as "a sterling, honest, worthy, good fellow;" as"a man of great political sagacity, who had yielded to the voice ofreason," and "as one who had renounced the errors of political life, anddetermined to assert, in his own person, the rights of maturedconscience."
They had fawned upon him; they had coaxed and wheedled him; they hadheld out every kind of future inducement and deferred benefit before hiseyes--but John Shufflebotham had not been induced to give a vote, or thepledge of a vote, to the Conservative. He had made no distinct orvisible sign of yielding to us, still it was observed that he had notbeen so lavish in the censure of our candidate during the previous day,or during the day of election, as before.
We had been prepared for his hostility, but hardly knew what to do withhis neutrality. We had expected to find him leading a body of voters tothe hustings for the Tories. Jem Smash, the head of our best gang ofprizefighters, had accordingly received instructions to bestow thecourtesy of his underlings upon the barber and the barber's friends.
Some of the liberal tradesmen of the borough of W---- were gloating overthe satisfaction of seeing the barber "doubled up," and a few of hisbelievers horribly maltreated. This gratification had, up to the presentmoment, been denied them; and after much deliberation on the subject, itwas not thought safe to commence an attack upon the humble abode of therecalcitrant worthy. Such a step might have brought some of our toppeople into disgrace, as an attorney, who had been retained at a heavycost to advise our candidate and his friends from time to time how muchiniquity they might perform without danger to their own persons orpurses, was good enough to inform them. Such a proceeding, dictated orsuggested in the committee-room, might be brought home to its occupants,and involve a lot of respectabilities as well as ruffians concernedtherein to a mingled punishment.
As we could not retaliate upon Barber Shufflebotham for his obstinacy,apostasy, or whatever it was, we determined to see if he could not bewon or bought over. The lawyer, and I, and the principal agent, who wasnot a lawyer, went into a little room to discuss this matter, andultimately settled that I should first approach the barber. I did so;and as I do not want to incur a charge of immodesty from the reader'slips, I omit an explanation of my visit. Let it be simply stated that Ifound the barber vulnerable on the statesmanlike point. I ascertainedthat he had a price; and the price was not, after all, a very large one,seeing the extent of the influence which he had to give, as
well as hisvote. The price was 100_l._ I struck the bargain with him--with areservation that I hope may be forgiven, as well as the trick I alsomeditated and carried out.
One thing the barber stipulated. Appearances must be somehow saved, and(clever dog he was) he suggested to me how that could be done. Therewere two points in the political programme of the candidate which, JohnShufflebotham and his friends contended a gentleman worthy of a voteought to be prepared to support--one was universal suffrage, the otherwas vote by ballot. The barber said his men must be told that thecandidate would meet them at least half-way. If this were arranged, andhe were paid 100_l._, he would recommend his friends to vote with himfor the Liberal. I agreed, not that the candidate should make theseprofessions, but that somebody on his behalf should give thatexplanation to Shufflebotham and his immediate tail or circle.
I went back to the committee-room, and explained to the attorney andagent how I proposed to act. They laughed outright as long as they couldafford time to laugh, which was not much; for minutes were precious, asmy scheme required an hour and a half, or perhaps two hours, for theworking out. I went back to the barber, and arranged that he should jumpinto a cab and run over the town, which was not large, and call hisfriends together at the Pig and Whistle in Backstairs Street, to receivea communication from the Liberal candidate.
I looked at my watch. It was then half-past twelve. The poll closed atfour. There was a train from the town of W---- to the town of B----,which started at 12:45. It would not take long to cover that distance ina carriage drawn by the iron horse. There was a train returning fromB---- to W---- at 2 p.m. precisely. That would do. I also arranged thatan orator who had been employed for the purpose of addressing thepolitical intellect of the free and independent electors of W----,should attend the Pig and Whistle on behalf of our candidate, and makeone of his smooth, flowing, rapid, ornate addresses.
This gentleman could talk against time. He was to spout until he had"the office" to shut up his limpid stream of talk.
The orator did his business first rate. From what I recollect of thatspeech, I wonder that he deserted his title of barrister-at-law, turnedaside from the ambition of wearing M.P. after his own name at somefuture date, and settled down, as he did, into the secretary of someassociation having its location eastward of the Royal Exchange.
Our hired barrister-at-law addressed the Shufflebotham circle as honest,noble fellows, whose adherence to principle was one of the mostrefreshing examples of political determination he had ever met in hislife. He praised Shufflebotham as a man who had won an influence overhis fellow-men, which a tyrant might envy, but could never command,through a stern and inflexible course of honest industry spread over anample term of existence. Shufflebotham here turned a little red in theface; some people thought him modest, and took that crimson to be ablush. No doubt it was a blush, but whether of honesty or of shame Ineed not stay to point out.
After the orator had been speaking for some time, my man returned, and Ireceived an intimation of that fact. The orator also got a nod and avery slight wink from me, when he stated that he had been requested tomake an explanation to them, but he felt somewhat exhausted by what hehad already done, and he therefore asked their permission to leave thatexplanation to be made by his friend Mr. Yellowly, who sat by his side;and then, after a peroration, in which he talked a good deal about themoon, and the stars, and the four winds of heaven, and the British Lion,and the flag that braved a thousand years, and honest industry, he satdown amid such applause as I have only heard at the Pig and Whistle andin very large assemblies.
Mr. Yellowly, the attorney, rose, and said that he regretted he had notthe eloquence of his learned friend; also that, as he was a plain man ofbusiness, he would address himself to the explanation he had to offer invery few words. The fact he was intrusted to announce, he hoped he mightdo in confidence; it was, that although our candidate could not go sofar as universal suffrage, that most honourable and enlightenedgentleman would go a long way in that direction, much longer than heeven thought it prudent to express upon the hustings his intentions togo, lest he should excite the prejudices of the middle classes, andsecure, by an indiscreet frankness, the return of their Tory antagonist.In reply to an inquiry, Mr. Yellowly said he could not exactly tell howfar the candidate would go in the extension of the franchise, but nodoubt he would go as far as they desired--say to the admission withinthe pale of the British constitution of the 2_l._ 10_s._ householders.As for the ballot--that most important political principle--the Liberalcandidate would vote for such a shield being drawn over the poor buthonest elector.
Shufflebotham played his part well--the rascal! He affected to be alittle doubtful unless the explanation was made in public. Mr. Yellowlystrongly appealed to the common sense of his auditors not to peril theelection just at this moment (when the Tories were four ahead of theLiberals) by so indiscreet a demand. One simple-hearted man thoughtShufflebotham was a little too particular and suspicious. He thought thegentleman, Mr. Yellowly, was right. Shufflebotham said he did not wantto be a dictator. He was satisfied, if the others were. I, at thatmoment, suggested that they had better not be long making up theirminds, for it was now a quarter past three o'clock, and the poll closedat four. It was then speedily settled that Shufflebotham and his menshould, as a body, go up and vote for the Liberal candidate.
Our chief agent here craved five minutes--saying he thought they oughtto have a band of music. He secretly determined to grace the final_coup_ by a demonstration in which three bands were to play their part.He also privately determined to bring Jem Smash, and all his fightingmen, and all the other hired ruffians, to guard our new contingent, incase the enemy, suspecting a trick, should set their forces in battlearray against our unprotected citizens. We should lose the election ifeven a short delay arose from an attack upon us. Shufflebotham thoughtthey might as well have a little music.
I was not at all sorry it was so arranged. I wanted to have a few wordswith Shufflebotham by himself, and to let him have a taste of my qualityand smartness, or perhaps I should rather say, whet his appetite forthat taste.
The barber led me outside to the yard of the Pig and Whistle, andaddressing me, inquired, "I suppose you have got the money all right?"
"Oh, yes," I replied.
"Will you give it us, then?"
"No," I said; "I cannot do that until you and your men have voted, youknow."
"How am I to know that you will give it me then? No d--tricks, or byG--your gentleman" (meaning the candidate) "shall suffer for it, as trueas my name's John Shufflebotham."
Things had worked more felicitously than I had anticipated, or than myplans were estimated to work. I now saw that the patriotic barber wasalready outwitted, if I chose to break faith with him at this point. Hewas bound to vote as his men did, or if he slunk away he had securedthem for us. It was now impossible to invent another excuse to thosetruly honest fellows for reversing their collective decision. Still Ithought it would be as well to keep in with the barber to the last. Iwanted to let him and some people see how neatly I could work out thestratagem.
"Well, I think you have as much right to trust me as I have to trustyou," I said; "but I don't mind meeting you half-way. I don't carewhether you do or not, though. I know those honest fellows will go upand vote for our man. You cannot prevent that now, can you, Mr.Shufflebotham? If you try to spoil our game (which I don't think you canspoil), our bargain is off, and I sha'n't feel bound to give you anything, whether you succeed in upsetting it or not."
Shufflebotham saw that he was practically done, in the matter ofsecurity at least, and that he must entirely trust in me; so he agreedto meet me half-way.
"What do you mean to do, then?" said Shufflebotham, and as he spoke thesound of wind-instruments floated on the summer breeze.
It was evident that the musicians were coming in the direction of thePig and Whistle.
I was afraid of the finishing touches of my artifice being a littlemarred, so I hastily said,
"Well, look here: here's a hundred-pound note. I divide it in halves. Igive you one half now" (the musicians stopped, and I had to make thisspeech a little longer, so as to spin out the moments, and I proceededto say slowly): "To-morrow morning, as early as you like, you come up tothe central committee-room and ask for me, and I will give you the otherhalf. I might say this evening. It would be quite as well, perhaps; butsome people with sharp eyes may be about. Now mind, Shufflebotham, don'ttell any one of this. I would not have it known for the whole world. Itwould do you harm, you know. Keep it dark, like the blackest secret ofour lives. Don't get drunk to-night, or you will let it out."
The musicians had arrived within a few feet of the door of the Pig andWhistle. The barber had been waiting in terrible anxiety for me to handhim over his half security, and I now wanted to do it without delay. Thenote, which was for 100_l._, had been divided in halves, and was readyfor my device. I handed him over his half, which he rapidly thrust intohis trousers-pocket, and left me as he might leave a tormentor,shouting out, "Come along, lads, and hear the music."
The procession moved forward amid deafening huzzas, and a volume of whatI must, I suppose, as a matter of courtesy, call music, and thebewilderment of many spectators. Shufflebotham shouted, in well-feignedglee,
"All right, my lads; he's a right 'un. We are all going to vote forhim;" and sundry other more extravagant exclamations.
Twenty-three votes were recorded by ten minutes to four by JohnShufflebotham and his friends, without let or hindrance from Toryprizefighters, roughs, or any other men. Shufflebotham did get drunkthat night, and I neither saw nor heard any more of him until nextmorning.
Next day, about ten o'clock in the morning, John Shufflebotham calledupon me at the committee-room as arranged. I preferred to have theattorney and the agent with me at this interview.
"Well, John Shufflebotham," I was the first to say, "I suppose you havecome for the other half of your note?"
The patriotic barber, who had sold his vote and influence, looked alittle sheepish and timid.
I said, "It is all right. These gentlemen are the lawyers; they know allabout every thing connected with the election, and they are of course inour secret."
"They know what I want, then?"
"Yes, here it is," I observed, handing over to him the other half of thenote which he sought; but as I did so, I said, "It is of no use to you.It is a Bank-of-Elegance note, which another man of your trade in B----gives away in the street."
Whether Shufflebotham had examined the first half of his note, I cannotsay; but I had caused the print to be divided in such a way (to guardagainst accidents) that he would see the words "Bank of E," and no moreof the title of the establishment from which it purported to have beenissued, and he was too illiterate or inexperienced in bank-notes todiscover that the paper itself was not of the kind made for the Old Ladyof Threadneedle Street.
The patriotic barber was thunderstruck. He was speechless for a momentor two with disappointment and mortification. When he had partlyrecovered himself, he stamped once, and swore in about two sentencesthat we were plunderers, and that he would have us prosecuted forcirculating bad money. Our attorney thought this a good joke. It was oneof a sort that he could appreciate; so drawing upon his imagination forhis law, by way of retort Mr. Yellowly informed Mr. Shufflebotham thathe had been treated as he deserved, that he had "better keep a quiettongue in his head," that, at all events, he must behave himself in thatroom, or he would be kicked out by one of our roughs in closeattendance, and that he might also get transported for bribery.
The barber gnashed his teeth, and went away not rejoicing. I believe hehas voted twice for the Tories since that day, without fee orreward--unless vengeance upon his Liberal betrayers was his motive andhis compensation.