Was I wrong to question why he wanted children so early? Was I so reluctant and skeptical because of my own emotional and psychological wounds? In my mind, I still had not found closure and accepted the fact that I had a daughter who would never know me. True, I didn’t hear the cry of a baby as much anymore, but I didn’t stop thinking about her, about all of it. I even wondered if Porter Andrew Hall, the father of our daughter, ever thought about her, ever had the same curiosity about her that I did.
I imagined myself meeting him one day by accident and him being cordial and apologetic. I knew that he had gotten married and had a family of his own. Daddy would never mention his name, but I had come across it reading the social news. He had become a lawyer and lived in the suburbs of Lexington. Daddy could have destroyed him but had decided in the end just to drive him out of our business and bury the rest of it forever.
But we would meet in this imagined scenario, and he would ask me if I knew anything at all about our daughter. “Did you ever see her?” he would wonder.
Of course, I would tell him no and then ask him if he had ever tried.
“Once,” he would say. “I drove out there and parked across from their house and waited to see if I could get a glimpse of her.”
“I’ve done the same,” I would confess.
He’d nod in understanding. “I never saw her,” he would say, “and then I thought I, of all people, have no right to be here and quickly drove away. Well, it’s nice seeing you, though, seeing you’re all right.”
“Am I?”
His smile would dwindle, and my imagined scenario popped like a bubble.
If I did give birth to another child, I thought, would I look at him or her and always think of my lost daughter?
So, despite what I had told Ethan, I did not stop taking my birth control pills. Cassie wouldn’t let me, anyway. When Ethan asked me ten days before our wedding if I had gotten my period, I had to tell him yes to cover up my deception.
“Don’t be discouraged,” he said. “As I told you, it’s very common for a woman who’s been on the pill as long as you have to have some difficulty conceiving quickly. But,” he added, brightening, “we’re going to have quite a romantic honeymoon, and if I have my calendar planning right, you’ll be in a prime time.”
He was so excited about the possibility that I almost confessed, but I didn’t. I smiled and let it all seem possible. As the days before our wedding ticked down, the excitement seemed to make every sound, every voice in Heaven-stone, louder, drowning out any other thought. The moment Daddy, Lucille, and Ethan returned home, the chatter began. Our pictures were, of course, in all of the social columns. Preparations were made for Ethan’s parents, who would fly in two days before the wedding so he could show them our estate and the department store. Lucille helped with the arrangements, providing the Heaven-stone limousine to pick them up at the airport. She then turned her attention to my wardrobe, because she claimed I didn’t have quite the fashion for the French Riviera.
“You’re going to where the world’s most glamorous and wealthiest people gather to have fun. The women you’ll meet will be very sophisticated. I’m going to lend you some of my best jewelry,” she continued, “but we need to dress you up a bit. You don’t mind my telling you this, do you?”
“Oh, no, I don’t mind,” I said. I wanted to add, I don’t care, but more for Daddy’s and Ethan’s sakes, I didn’t add a word. I smiled and went along with her, permitting her to choose clothing, shoes, and accessories. By the time we were finished outfitting me for my honeymoon, there was no room in my suitcases for anything but the new things.
Ethan thought it was all very amusing but never stopped telling me how grateful I should be and how lucky we both were to have someone like Lucille to advise us. Half the time, I wasn’t sure if he was saying these things for my benefit or hers.
“Tell me,” I asked him one night while we lay together in my bed after making love, “do you ever disagree with Lucille? I don’t mean have out-and-out arguments with her, but do you ever tell her you don’t think so or you don’t believe that, whatever?”
He shrugged. “I avoid any of that. If I don’t agree with her, I’m silent, or I change the subject.”
“You don’t think that’s cowardice?”
“Cowardice? Hell, no. Hey,” he said with a smirk, “I see the way she has your father twisted around her finger, Semantha. Believe me, anyone who crosses Lucille Bennet Heaven-stone will get the boot, and you know where.”
“She wouldn’t dare fire you or even try to now,” I said.
“Yeah, maybe not, but she would definitely make sure I didn’t move an inch further in the corporation. It’s easier just to let her think she’s right about everything. Besides, I don’t see you arguing so much with her anymore. What’s the point of it, anyway? It’s better to have harmony if we’re going to be a family, don’t you think?”
“As long as you don’t surrender your self-respect, Ethan,” I said as soon as Cassie had whispered it. I saw him wince as if I had burned him.
He rose, his mood darkening. “Self-respect is overrated,” he muttered, and put on his robe. Then he paused, turned, and smiled at me. “As long as I have your respect, I’m fine.”
“Do I have yours?”
“It comes hand in hand with my love,” he said, pasted a kiss on my lips, and started out. “My parents are coming tomorrow. I’d better get some rest. My mother loves to ask questions, so be prepared. She’s a question machine.”
“Ethan!” I cried out before he reached the door. I felt a small panic fluttering under my heart.
“What?”
“What do they know? I mean, about my past . . .”
“Nothing,” he said. He smiled again. “Relax. You have no past. You have only a future with me. Sleep tight,” he said, and left.
“That,” Cassie said, “is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard and something that causes me real concern. You have no past? You? You’re a Heaven-stone. We are the past. We have the heritage. Does he think a few wedding vows will change any of that?”
“He was only trying to make me feel better.”
“That’s like telling the passengers on the Titanic they’re in for a refreshing swim. Christmas trees.”
I turned my back on her.
She’s just jealous, I thought. I hoped.
Can’t she ever be wrong?
She had the final word before I brought down the shades on the windows of my mind and curled into the darkness to sleep.
“I may have made some unintentional mistakes, Semantha, but I’ve never been wrong about people.
“Never.”
Games
ETHAN’S MOTHER WAS nowhere near the busybody he had suggested she was. Perhaps she was intimidated by the sight and size of Heaven-stone and the grounds workers she saw on arrival. Lucille had designed some major landscape changes, especially bordering the gate and driveway.
Daddy liked Ethan’s father. Although he had no wealthy client who came close to us, he knew how to behave around someone like Daddy. They were both on the same page when it came to business interests, the government, and taxes and at times sounded like echo chambers. No mention was made of Ethan’s father’s relatively recent heart problems. I thought he looked rather healthy and robust. I asked him how he was feeling, and he simply said, “Wonderful.”
When I mentioned it to Ethan, he smiled and nodded. “My mother hates hearing or talking about it,” he warned.
Lucille was cordial to both of Ethan’s parents, but I saw how she almost immediately climbed back onto her high horse and spoke as if she resided in the clouds. Ethan’s mother clearly was afraid to interrupt her, offer an opinion, or ask her a question. She spent most of her time nodding and heaping compliments.
All of Ethan’s other relatives and friends were staying at the Glory, where we held the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner. Everyone was impressed with the hotel and the arrangements. Although the rehearsal dinner w
as Ethan’s parents’ event, Lucille was on top of it, and Ethan’s mother was not eager to challenge or even offer a counteropinion about anything.
On the morning of my wedding day, Daddy did something he hadn’t done for some time. He came to my bedroom before I had risen. When I heard the knock, I assumed it was Ethan. As soon as Daddy entered, I sat up quickly. He smiled and sat on my bed to take my hand.
“I’m more excited about your wedding than I was about mine and Lucille’s, even though it was an affair few will ever forget and we had a lot of big shots. When I first heard you were going with someone at school, I admit I was very nervous, but you selected a fine young man. I wanted you to know I couldn’t be happier for you, Semantha.”
He leaned over to kiss my cheek and then patted my hand and stood. For a long moment, he stared at the picture of me and my mother.
“She would have been quite pleased,” he said. “We’ll both be thinking about her when you take your vows.”
He sounded so sad I nearly burst into tears. I saw Cassie sitting by my desk, her head down. Daddy clapped his hands, the way he often did when he was going to make a definite decision.
“But we won’t be sad for even a moment today. Today is a happy, happy day. I’m proud of you.”
He nodded and headed out.
“Proud of you? For what?” Cassie asked, looking up, her eyes cold, steely gray, and sharp. “For getting married?”
“Probably for doing something normal,” I muttered. “After what has been done to me, that’s an accomplishment,” I added as sharply as I could.
She looked away and then disappeared as quickly as she had appeared.
I rose slowly to start my wedding day. A year ago, such a day had seemed more like an impossible dream. Certainly, my roommate, Ellie, would never have imagined it would come so quickly for me, and most certainly not before hers. I wondered what had become of her and how surprised she would be if she heard about me. All of those girls would be surprised. Look at what had become of the girl they had derided as Norma Bates.
All day long, I kept telling myself I should be happier and more excited. There was so much going on around me, and all of it was because of me. I was the center of attention, not Cassie, not Daddy, and not Lucille, but Lucille remained at the forefront of everything. She had written out the schedule determining when we would leave Heaven-stone for the hotel, when we were to take the family photos, and when each step in the ceremony would occur. Ethan went off early to spend his day with his family and friends. Lucille had booked a room for him to use. Was there anything she didn’t think of?
Late in the morning, Uncle Perry stopped by to see me.
“Knock knock,” he said, stepping into my open doorway. I was at my vanity table toying with some other way to wear my hair. “Hey, Sam.”
“Hi, Uncle Perry.”
“Preparations, preparations,” he said, looking at my dress spread out on my bed. “So? Excited?”
“Yes, now that it’s really happening.”
“Oh, it’s happening.” He winked. “I know you had a lot to do with my being Ethan’s best man,” he said. “I hope I live up to the privilege.”
“For us, there was no other choice, Uncle Perry. You’ll always be the closest friend we have.”
He, too, looked at my mother’s photo. “How happy she would be today,” he said. “I’m proud of you, too, Sam.” Then he laughed. “Your father’s about as nervous as I’ve seen him.”
He wished me luck and went off to see Daddy. Lucille was at the hotel overseeing last-minute tasks and corrections.
Just after lunch, I had a surprise phone call. Mrs. Dobson called me from London. She had read about my wedding and wanted to wish me good luck and happiness. Hearing her voice brought tears immediately. She told me she was doing just fine, having acquired another position in another posh house. “Not as posh as Heaven-stone, mind you, but pretty posh.”
“I’m glad, Mrs. Dobson. I do miss you. I hope someday we’ll meet again.”
“I had a strong feeling you and that young man would come to something. I’m sure sometime in the future, you’ll be traveling and set down in London. When you do, you can ring me up. I’ll send you my new number and address.”
“I surely will,” I said.
“You stay healthy and happy,” she said.
It broke my heart to hear the line go dead and realize she wouldn’t be there at my wedding. When I had suggested finding out where she was and inviting her, Daddy had looked upset and said, “She’s back in England, Semantha. It would be inordinately expensive for someone in her bracket to attend this affair. It would be unfair to invite her.”
“And a slap in the face for Lucille,” Cassie had muttered, but I didn’t say it.
Now I felt terrible that I hadn’t insisted we send her an invitation. She could have declined, but at least she would have known I hadn’t forgotten her and never would. It was the one sad note to an otherwise exciting day, but I didn’t let anyone know about it, especially Daddy, who I could see was beaming with pride and happiness.
Our wedding was truly a micro version of Daddy and Lucille’s. Give the devil her due, I kept thinking as it went along without the slightest problem. The ceremony was beautiful, and the reception was wonderful. Ethan’s friends and cousins really enjoyed themselves. We all danced until we could barely stand, and then Ethan and I, according to the way Lucille had planned it, made our departure in the Heaven-stone limousine, which took us to the airport hotel, where we spent the rest of the night before our flight to Nice, France. Both of us were exhausted and went right to sleep. We even slept through most of the flight.
Thanks again to Lucille, every little detail of our trip was addressed. A car waited for us in Nice, and we were driven to Monaco and the Hotel de Paris, where we were led to a large, plush suite. A basket of fruit and a bottle of champagne were waiting for us, sent by Claire Dubonnet, Lucille’s friend. In the card, she wished us a wonderful stay and said we should call in the impossible event of our being bored.
Ethan decided we should spend the day resting and adjusting to the jet lag. We’d order in and, despite the wonderful weather and the temptation of touring, stay in bed.
“After all,” he said, “I promised a romantic honeymoon, and this is where it all starts.”
Talk about things happening fast. How could I have felt more swept away? We made love, ate, slept, and made love. When I woke again, Ethan was up and showering. I called to him, and he poked his head out of the bathroom.
“You up to going out?” he asked.
I looked at the clock. “It’s nine. Where are we going?”
“To the world-famous Monte Carlo casino, of course. Lucille gave us a side gift.”
“What?”
“Five thousand dollars to gamble. It’s probably peanuts to most of the people down there, but it’s a start. Put on something sexy. When we drive up, you’ll see dozens of paparazzi waiting to snap pictures of anyone who might just be famous. When they see you, they’ll think they’ve got a find.”
“I doubt it.”
“Well, get dressed, anyway. It’s fun, and we’re here to have fun, aren’t we?”
He returned to shaving, and I rose. When I thought about what I should wear, I appreciated the choices Lucille had made for me. I put on a black strapless dress and took out the jewelry she had lent me. While I showered, Ethan put on his tuxedo. He kept rushing me along.
“You’re the one making me self-conscious about my appearance,” I said. “It’s not like we’re going to a show and might miss the opening curtain.”
“Believe me, you’ll see this is a great show.”
Finally, I was ready, and we arrived at the casino close to ten-thirty. How long would we stay? I wondered. It was just as Ethan had described. Dozens of photographers lined the entrance, snapping our pictures as we hurried into Le Grand Casino, as it was known. It also housed the Grand Theatre de Monte Carlo and the headquarters of the Ballet
de Monte Carlo. I was surprised when we were asked to show our passports in order to enter.
“Why?” I asked Ethan.
“Citizens of Monaco are forbidden to enter the gaming rooms,” he said as we gaped at the elaborate and glamorous structure with its rococo turrets, green copper cupolas, and gold chandeliers. “Even the royal family is forbidden and uses a side entrance to attend the theater.” He paid our entrance fee.
The sight of so many elegantly dressed women with dazzling jewels and the elegantly dressed men was impressive. Ethan was obviously very excited.
“I never thought I’d be here so quickly in my life,” he muttered as he looked around, “but I dreamed of it. C’mon,” he said after we took a glass of champagne. “I want to start with craps. Just think of me as James Bond.”
“I don’t know anything about playing craps,” I said as he exchanged money for chips.
“I played it a lot in high school. This will be a bit more formal.”
We stood on the sidelines to watch a little. Ethan quickly explained what was going on. I listened, surprised at how much he knew and how anxious he was to get into the game. Before long, he was the shooter and began to toss the dice. When he won the first time, I knew he would be there for a while, so while he played, I walked around to look at more of the casino, watch some of the other people, and see some of the other ways they were gambling. Other rooms required entrance fees, and one room was for the very wealthy to play poker. I wandered back to where Ethan was, saw that he was still quite involved, and strolled toward the rear.
A tall, thin man standing by a doorway thought I wanted to exit and opened it for me.
“S’il vous plaît,” he said, nodding and bowing slightly.
“Merci,” I said, nodding.
I stepped out onto a terrace that was above beautiful well-lit gardens. As I looked out, the tall man stepped up beside me.
“First time here?” he asked.
I turned and looked at him as he lit a cigarette.