She started up, and I could feel the panic rise in my chest. She dropped her doll suddenly and lunged at me. I tripped backwards, hitting my head on the door. Mole was there instantly to pull me out as Dottir collapsed on the floor and sobs. A part of me wanted to console her, but my fear hadn’t subsided. After Mole helped me up I turned to him, my head aching.
"Mole," I paused to rub my head, "Did you watch that?”
“Only the part when the Monster went after you and you nearly knocked yourself out getting away.”
“Did you hear that she has a name?”
He looked at me blankly, “It’s a she?”
“Yes. And her name is Dottir.”
“Dottir,” he repeated curiously.
“It sounds a lot like daughter,” I said, picking up my things.
Mole stood and stared wide-eyed as if suddenly remembering something important.
I had cleaned up with cold water in my room and put on the other set of clothes that Katrine had given me. Mouse and Mole were already at dinner. We huddled over our plates in the crowded room, the best place to tell secrets, Mouse said.
"I didn't know it was a woman," Mole began.
"I didn't know it had a name!" Mouse exclaimed. As usual, his thoughts had only begun to be shared. "I guess I knew it should have, but I never thought to ask. The whole story, which I suppose now is probably true, is very sad and very secret. I always thought it was just a kind of a legend.
"When Mole and I were still in the Citadel the Queen was with child. It was an easy pregnancy and easy birth but when the baby arrived, it wasn't easy. The baby was rotten on the outside and it sent the Queen into fits. The King was probably stoned, so he didn't seem to care about the baby, only the Queen's hysteria. So he had the baby taken care of. Some say it was thrown off a cliff, some say it died naturally. I've even heard it was taken to a farm outside the City."
"Some say it haunts the Keep," Mole added.
"Well it does, in a way," Mouse mused.
"She does," I corrected.
"I guess the Queen never had the heart to get rid of her baby. I can't imagine that she went to visit Monster, err, Dottir much. Doesn't seem like anyone goes to visit Dottir except us and the kitchen folk. Seems like a pretty terrible life down there."
We all nodded in agreement and sat in a sad, puzzled state for a while. I couldn’t take my mind off her. I felt a strange connection to the neglected woman-child.
"If Dottir is the child, I wouldn't be surprised. The number of terrible things I've seen in this Keep..." I trailed off. Mouse looked at me with an eyebrow raised.
"Missy, don't say that again here too loud. You should know – survival depends upon looking the other way.”
Chapter 43
Yossinda
"Wear my dress, the gray one with blue on it," Yeidi said. She had been watching me trying to decide what I could wear that wasn't dirty or too ragged. I supposed I should have bought some newer dresses for my new work, but I gave so much of my monies to the Saans and rarely saved for myself.
"It has a high neck so the Saans won't get excited by your woman parts," she said groggily. We hadn't spoken much for days, aside from her moaning and groaning and asking for water.
"Thank you. But then, what are you going to wear?" I asked.
She laughed, "I'm not going in, I don't feel well enough." Yeidi turned in the bed. It was hard for me not to chide her for being such a parasite, but I held my tongue.
The dress was a little short for me, but it was clean. When I noticed the blue embroidery across the neckline made little embracing X's, I liked the dress even more. Without much of a mirror to look at myself in, I just had to hope I looked suitable enough.
"That looks nice," Yeidi surprised me by starting up the conversation again. Even more miraculous, she pushed herself up out of bed to adjust the back for me. "Let me help you," she said. Where the edge of her shift hung over her shoulder I could see red sores coming up from her underarm. Her face looked swollen though skin clung tightly to her bones on the rest of her body.
"I've heard that the new SaanKote is really handsome," she started, Good Aethan, I thought, she never lets up.
"He's pleasing to the eye, I'll admit," I returned, hoping to stop the conversation there.
"You should bat your eyes at him Yossinda. Charm him with those thin lips of yours."
"Please don't disrespect the Saans like that." I frowned as she fumbled with the ties.
"Yossy, there's so much you don't know. The Five Great Ones aren’t chaste. They all take women to be their lovers. Everybody in the Citadel knows that.”
She was lying on purpose, just trying to make me feel foolish and angry. "Why do you say things like that, sister?" I asked with irritation.
"I'm just telling you the truth. If I were you, if I were well enough to work, I'd smile at SaanKote and let him know how I felt."
"Well, maybe you should just get out of bed and come work some for a change.” She had crossed the line, and suddenly I couldn’t stop myself from saying it. “I know you're not sick Yeidi, you're foolish and obvious. I know about the Tinea. I'm ashamed of you and how selfish you are. Raini's sickness and your illness are not the same thing, I've smelled it on your breath. You are the disease, sister, and you only make yourself worse." Kote help me I was being so harsh, but I was angry, more than I had ever been.
Yeidi stared, then spat her words at me, "You don't understand, do you Yossy?" her face was red. "You're the fool, to be so in love with the stupid Saans you never show emotion or feel pain like a normal person. You're the one who's sick, Yossida!"
She stood there, trembling and defiant until I left her. From the other room I could hear her light sobs and for a moment, I felt badly. But my guilt quickly gave way to anger.
Why couldn't she see how selfish she was being? How unreasonable she was? Life was suffering, that's how our years in this realm went. Laziness and greed were not valuable qualities and would not be rewarded. My sister would not be walking with the Unmarked Ones in the next life. If she kept going like this, she would not have a next life.
And I couldn't believe that she had dared to make up such terrible lies about the Saans. Surely not knowing the love of another was one of the greatest sacrifices of all. I wondered if it was something I could do – if I were born a man and a Saan. I had always dreamed of romance and true love, just like my parents had had, but after my nights with the King, physical love between a man and a woman was something I could do without.
I used to dream that I would meet a free man, someone as faith filled as me, that we could share our love for each other and the Saans in a little house filled with happy children. I had never been out of the city, but I dreamed that was where we would live. In my dreams we grew our own food and worked in the sun and our children were happy and healthy.
Dreams are for falling asleep at night though, perhaps in the next life I would get to enjoy a life like that. For now though, I was contented to not dream about love so much. It was foolish of me to admire SaanKote. It would be much wiser to keep working and to focus on becoming a master healer like Katrine. That was a life that was reasonable and possible.
"Lovely dress," was all Dinia said to me that morning.
Chapter 44
Aneh
I spent the next few days in a sort of sleepless daze. My head ached, and the worry of how I would get out with Olei was beginning to fester. The nagging sadness of Dottir somehow made it worse, and one morning I felt something inside me snap. I took in lungful of air and my whole story seemed to come out on one breath. I told them everything: who I was, why I was there, the entire truth.
Mole stared at me almost sorrowfully and for a long time, Oh Saans save us, was all Mouse could say.
After giving it some thought, Mouse stared talking again.
"Well, it all makes more sense now," he started.
"What does?" I asked.
"You do," Mole chimed in.
"Y
our story seemed a little thin, that's all Aneh. Now we know. You're much too clever to believe in the Saans’ tomfoolery – although they do have some good stories and some pretty remarkable tricks..." Mouse trailed off and I wondered if Mouse and Mole would help me, or just dance around the topic for the rest of my time in Saansanti.
Mouse stopped talking mid-sentence then stated clearly, as if the thought had just struck him like lightening.
"I suppose we could figure something out for you Aneh," he said.
I smiled a little. That wonderful bright feeling of hope flickered in my heart.
By that evening I had become so hopeful that I found a way to get to the weekly Saan blessing. I wanted to see my beloved's face. I wanted him to see mine. The minutes passed slowly waiting for the Saans to come out onto the balcony. Fantasies of my future raced through my mind. I thought of going home hand in hand with Olei, I thought of crawling into bed together after a days work listening to the crickets and waking to the rooster. I would rub his back, he would twist the curls in my hair.
When the Saans came out my eyes were locked on Olei, his great blue robes complimenting his brown skin beautifully, and not once, even with my close proximity to the balcony, did he lock eyes with mine. I knew he must have seen me; I stood so close to him. It was so lonely for me standing there, exotic and huge, like a different kind of monster trapped in the Red Keep, yearning to get out.
I had considered the possibility of Olei truly becoming a Saan – truly believing in his new life. The way he last spoke to me was unsettling, and watching him on the balcony, I realized that it was more of a reality than I had dared to presume.
I confided in Mole one day when Mouse had gone, once again, to tend to a private Domi matter. I told him how Olei hadn't looked at me, and the things that he said to me when I was in the sick ward.
"Do you think that he would even want to leave?"
Mole sighed, "I don't know Aneh, those Five, they have a nice life. They eat well and live in luxury. They are more powerful than the Domi and almost as revered by the people as the Unmarked Ones. I’ve never heard of a Saan – an underling, a Brother or a Great One – any of them -- trying to escape.
"But aside from that, you have to wonder what is going through his head. What if someone told you that you were essentially the flesh form of a God? That the powers of the Elements were yours to know and the secrets of the universe could be spoken by you?"
It was an unnerving question. What if someone had chosen me? What if I was like a holy spirit and that through my mind I could control the masses with my words? Deep in my heart the answer wasn't so clear. If enough people truly believed that I was something special, that my message was precious and sacred, I might be convinced that I was who they wanted me to be.
It had been more than a year and a half since they first took him from me. Is it possible that in that time Olei had converted to this religion, to this way of life and power? Had I taken too long to find him? Or worse, was his life as a Great One better than a life with me?
"The best we can do is give Olei the opportunity to leave," Mole said after much thought, "We'll know where his heart lies when he makes his decision."
Mouse came back that evening, fretting.
"There's been an accident," he said, worry coating his words, "The Queen is injured and not waking. No one knows what to do, everyone in the Quarters is unraveled.”
Mole handed Mouse a tiny pouch to sip on. I'd tasted the contents of that pouch, they were fierce. Mouse drank it like it was as mild as milk.
"She's in the Saans’ care now, only the Unmarked Ones know what they'll do with the poor thing." He shook his head and sipped.
The news of the accident unsettled the Keep like the earthquake of the Unmarked Ones. A woman at supper said that the Queen had fallen and hit her head on something sharp and the gash was so deep that she would not wake. Troubled whispers of foul-play spread throughout the servants’ quarters.
We went with all the others to the special prayer service given by the Saans. The crowd was silent and tearful. This time I listened to what Olei and his Saans said.
Chapter 45
Yossinda
News of the Queen’s accident moved quickly. People wore their colors of mourning and spent more time in the Houses of the Saans. The Queen Myrah was in the care of the Citadel now. Her health was fragile, and she was not allowed visitors at all, except for Saans and those few trained to see to her needs without agitating her. Saan Gerric was called often to her side, and as his apprentice, I too was granted entry to her chambers.
Queen Myrah was quite plain without her makeup on, though her features were still bold and intimidating in their beauty. Rumor had it she stained her lips with the blood of exotic insects and brushed the area around her eyes with dead coals from rare willow wood. We were not permitted to give her those luxuries while she was still deep in her slumber. I wouldn't have dared to touch her face, so I was thankful.
And to my great relief, King Manueh wasn't allowed at all in the Queen’s resting chambers. He was responsible for her present state.
No one was to know that the Queen had been struck by her husband. Katrine explained to me that the Saans’ public story of the accident would preserve King Manueh's image and keep the Kingdom at rest. If the people thought that the Domi were unhappy we would have a different kind of SaanSanti, she said. So I pretended that I didn't know the truth and I did the best job I could working for Katrine and the Saans.
The Queen lay preserved in a way that I couldn't directly touch her. I combined everything one could imagine with my mortar and pestle—leaves, insects, rocks, sugar crystals, rodent parts— bound them together with wax or tree sap, and made tiny pellets that were given to the Queen. I treated the water she was bathed in and made sure it was neither too soapy nor too sour. She never opened her eyes. She never made a sound.
I worried she would never wake up. A large strip of wax had been fastened to her scalp to help the wound heal, and where the edges of the bandage were thin, I could see the deep scarlet of dried blood. Her hair had carefully been removed from the areas around the gash, which was as long as my hand but it was straight and true, like the blade of a knife or the edge of a table.
My faith was strong. I knew that the Saans were divinely inspired and I never questioned their reasons for anything they did. If they felt that this was the best place for the Queen to mend, I would do as I was told and do my best. Kote speed the recovery of the Queen.
Raini rolled over, bright eyed, and tickled me.
"Wake up Yossy! The sun is out! Let's go play!" he said to me, his voice bright but still snotty from sleep.
For the first time in months, I was relaxed in my sleep. Normally I clenched my jaw all night, leaving me with a headache. But today, I felt healthy, I felt a sort of lightness in my chest. The sun was shining through the window, something I hadn't woken to in many months.
"I feel happy Yossy. I want to play." What a good thing, to want to play. For as long as I could remember Raini was unwilling to wake up, if he did wake up.
In a way his sickness was a blessing. We were too poor for any schooling – I myself could only read some – which meant if he was well enough he would have to work. Able-bodied children as young as Raini were often helping thier families earn coin.
When Raini got old enough I thought he could study to be a Saan in the Citadel; it was a better life than he might get as a free man, living poor and uneducated. Father didn't like the idea. He thought freedom was a much better option, but I prayed that he would be inspired to be a little more faith filled, so maybe we could walk together in the next life.
The day was bright and lovely. On the way to the Citadel people smiled at me and none of the guards said anything crude when I passed through the gates. Even grumpy Theodorius nodded at me as we passed in the hall. Dinia was humming in the kitchens, a pleasant change from her normal cursing. The shiny silver platter showed me my face, rosy and glowing. I
looked good. I felt good. What a gift, to feel so warm and happy. I will not, I said to myself, take this feeling for granted.
I let myself stop at a small stained glass window on the fourth floor of the Citadel that showed the time before the flood. In the center was an Unmarked One, its arms drawn over its chest in the symbol of greeting, worship and prayer. Through the clear glass panes that framed the scene I could see all of Saansanti—from here it was beautiful. I searched for the roofs in my neighborhood, spied several houses of the Saans, saw the clean break between houses where the river weaved through.
Footsteps from the staircase below moved me on my way. SaanReas and SaanKote were walking slowly towards the stairs, their voices deep but quiet. As if sensing me, SaanKote looked up directly at me. It was then I could hear a part of his conversation, "I agree, Brother Reas, it is like one of the Unmarked Ones is here with us..." His gaze locked with mine and goosebumps prickled my skin. Remembering myself, I quickly crossed my arms and bowed. He smiled with one side of his mouth. SaanReas never bothered to notice me, he just kept talking.
For the rest of the day my encounter with SaanKote filled my mind and sent butterflies to flight in my stomach, against my better judgment.
So distracted was I that I didn't notice the King and Prince Estevan in the Citadel. They were escorted by a pack of underlings, going to meet with the Saans about the Queen, I assumed. My happiness vanished when the King spied me. He walked tall today, sobered it seemed, wearing an embroidered vest over his strong, powerful body.
His son Estevan lacked his father’s bold features. He was shorter and more squat looking, with a very long torso and short legs. His chin was thick, his face was ugly. Estevan had some sort of disease where once he started bleeding, he would not stop. Once or twice I had had to send for help after something as minor as a knife knick left him bloody for hours upon hours.
I tried to find my way around the troop but there was no good escape. The King slowed his gait so that he could slide his grisly hand across my waist, "I have missed you," he whispered coldly into my ear.
The fear I had been keeping at bay reared its ugly head in my stomach. The charm of the day left swiftly, taking with it the blood in my face and leaving only a bitter taste in my mouth. After that, not even daydreams of SaanKote could bring back warmth.