For a moment we stared at each other. My stomach twisted with the pain of this unwanted knowledge. It turned me around and I sped down the hall.
Too stunned to cry but too confused to think, I went to the Servants’ House, kneeled and stared. My mind was blank. I couldn’t even be bothered to say a prayer.
Why did it seem my world was collapsing?
Katrine found me and shook me to my senses. I was relieved she had come, but seeing her brought me such shame.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry Katrine. I didn't know you would be in there! And you were with a Saan! … I'm so confused," Katrine was quiet, waiting for me to find the right words, "I need help. I need help with my sister. She's dying. It’s the Tinea,” uttering this reminded me of why I had come. I shed a tear.
“How bad is she?"
I didn't know. She was horrible, she was disgusting.
"Have you not learned how to counter Tinea in your work with Saan Gerric?" she asked calmly.
I shook my head.
"Come with me," Katrine stood up and pulled me with her, putting her arm around my shoulders as we walked down a quiet corridor.
"SaanObith and I should have been more careful. It is good though, that it was just you. You are very trustworthy and very faith-filled, Yossinda. Rarely have I seen a woman as pious as you.
"One of the Saan's great secrets is that they can take one woman, one faith-filled and loyal woman, to be their companion. It is natural to want to love someone, even if you are modeled after the Unmarked Ones."
"What about the underlings…or the Brothers?” I asked, thinking about all the hundreds of other lesser Saans. Were their vows of chastity a lie too?
"Oh, well, they are not of the same caliber as the Five, and never will be. They are eunuchs, they have no manhood, they are not like the Great Ones, just servants who have dedicated their lives to the Saans and to suffering. What better way to suffer than to never know the pleasure of another?"
She turned to look at me directly, "I am not ashamed of who I love, but we must keep it a secret for the safety of the city. Do not be ashamed either, Yossinda, if you find yourself in the same position. It is natural to find yourself in love, especially when you are hurting, when you have questions, when you need guidance."
Unbidden, SaanKote's face came to my mind.
Chapter 50
Aneh
I continued going to the nightly blessings, to see if Olei would look at me, just to see if maybe he had changed his mind. It was like a scab I couldn’t stop picking. When it itched I couldn't resist.
People were less solemn than in days past, the tragedy of the Queen's injury was no longer fresh and life was continuing. Eileen was still with child, the Saans were as favored by the people as ever - SaanKote had brought new air and life into their stagnant Blue Citadel.
As I watched them now, my heartache blurred into anger. Olei should have had more of a spine. His Koyote roots were so easy to cut, he was so easily replanted here in this soil-less, soulless city.
I bet he knew the truth behind the Queen or why the city was being poisoned with Tinea, but he just let it happen. What went on in the Citadel that was worth all of these evils?
Forgetting the blessing, I stood still, seething, while a hundred heads bowed forward. I caught the shooting glances of several onlookers as I turned and left, working my way through the tired people of Saansanti.
Chapter 51
Yossinda
I was readying myself to go home for the evening when I was abruptly summoned to serve in the sick room of an old noblewoman. The air in her chambers was thick and warm and smelled like death. She lay there, a skeleton beneath the sheets, refusing to eat and unable to take care of herself.
The lady used what strength she had to push her supper dishes on the floor, shattering them into a hundred pieces. With no remaining stamina she was unable to control herself and had soiled her linens and the floor. I walked outside to summon for some slaves to clean up the mess then returned to the room. The heat and the stench made me feel flushed. The sensation only worsened as SaanKote walked through the door.
Immediately self conscious, I busied myself trying to make the lady comfortable as SaanKote settled to prayer over the woman. I backed up and put my head down, focusing on the words as best as I could. A strange pack of slaves showed up to clean, two scrappy men of greatly different sizes and a tall browned woman with coloring like SaanKote. They were quiet for the prayer, then got to work quickly. It smelled like lavender when they were finished.
When the prayer was over the Saans crossed themselves, bowing their heads to the sick sleeping woman whose head had lolled to the side, her mouth opening wide letting a raspy snore escape. SaanKote glanced at me with a sweet smile and caring eyes. His gaze was intense and I broke it, moving to look at the floor before adjusting lady again, unnecessarily.
Chapter 52
Aneh
Deep in our own troubled thoughts after the experience in the Saans’ water gallery, Mouse, Mole and I continued to work.
We shuffled into the stagnant air of chamber occupied by a dying relative of the Domi. Her old wrinkled skin was thick like the folds in my tunic. The damp stench of her room reminded me of the mines. I kept my head down and worked to clean up her messes only vaguely aware of the other figures hovering near the bed.
Mouse walked over and whispered something to Katrine, who nodded solemnly and pointed to the cupboards behind her. Mouse opened the cupboard doors noiselessly to get a shovelful of coal. As he deposited the black rocks on a brazier the room brightened with just enough light that I could see Olei. He was standing close to another woman.
She was indescribably thin, almost emaciated in the wavering light from the brazier. She had exotically light hair that would have hung straight and thick if it was not pulled back into a hastily done plait. Loose strands fell around her face, hiding the tired circles under her heavily lashed eyes. She was a creature so different from me that I hardly considered us both women.
My heart skipped when I saw how Olei looked at her. Hope fluttered back to me for a second when Olei turned his glance to me, but he did not smile. He returned his adoring gaze to the white and waifey woman.
Chapter 53
Yossinda
Rain drummed against the cobblestones and flooded the streets. I struggled in vain to move forward towards the white shrouded figure beckoning me. But I was being pulled down again. Forced into the muddy rainwater. Held by my captors.
I didn’t fight back. I didn’t make a noise. There was something familiar about them. A long golden braid dangled out of the smaller one’s hood. Yeidi. The other one’s hands were black, and not with grime from the mines. They were black from Tinea.
The King.
I screamed. No one came to save me. The Unmarked One had left me.
I sat up abruptly. Cool air chilled my back, which was sweating. Of all the times I had had this nightmare, this was the worst.
I left the servants’ quarters to find Saan Gerric and prayed that he would be kind enough to listen. When I reached the water gallery, my worries came pouring in a stream of words.
Saan Gerric's sincere concern was apparent immediately, I could see it in his eyes. They were caring and unafraid. "Kneel next to me, dear Yossinda," he said, "Let us pray."
We prayed to the Elements for guidance and to the Unmarked Ones for wisdom. We prayed for patience, courage and hope. Saan Gerric did not say more when we finished, he simply looked at me. I smiled weakly. Afraid of the silence and embarrassed by how much I had already divulged, I began talking about tinctures and the Queen's health, but my quivering voice betrayed me. As usual, there was little light in the House and the darkness comforted me knowing that Saan Gerric couldn't see my face in its contorted state.
"Everyone questions their faith, Yossinda, it is only natural. We are born naked, we grow up with tragedy and we spend our lives toiling for others. I know it seems hopeless but there are pleasures here on earth, we just
have to look in different places to find them."
"Saan Gerric, I don't know where to look."
Saan Gerric sighed, "Think of a day Yossinda, where you felt happy. What happened on that day?"
I thought of the evening I had found little Raini in the street excitedly talking about river eels. I remembered the beauty in the sky, the glowing lanterns in the city streets illuminating the walls with yellow. Raini, hugging me and gripping my hand loosely, talking and trying to tickle me. There was the day when I awoke to a clear sky and got to look out from Saan Citadel through the stained glass. I thought of SaanKote and the way his smile made me feel alive and special.
"There was love, there was beauty. That's what happened on those days when I felt happy," I said.
"So there are some good things about this suffering. There is light in life, there are moments that can give us some warmth and energy here and now."
"What about the terrible things that I’ve done?" I asked, suddenly fearful of what had happened to me in the King's bedroom.
Saan Gerric didn't reply immediately, he was looking up at something.
"I'm afraid that I cannot be the one to tell you the answers to that," he said. My heart sank, thinking I had chased off my only friend with my complaining and faltering faith.
"There's someone here far more wise and gifted than I," Saan Gerric finished.
With that Saan Gerric got up and bowed his goodbye. His heavy steps were muffled by the earthen floor, quickly fading into the background noise of the House. I looked up but didn't see anything but darkness. There was someone else close by though, I could feel it.
He smelled like sage and clean, fresh water. I could hear the thick fabric of his robes against his body as he knelt down next to me. A flicker from the brazier painted his face in gold, but just for a second.
"Forgive me for intruding Yossinda," it was the voice of SaanKote.
"Your Grace. Please pardon me, I am not well. Saan Gerric was generous enough to let me speak to him about my...conditions."
"Saan Gerric is most kind and generous indeed, it is a pity that underlings cannot rise to become one of the Five. I'm certain he would excel."
We sat in silence for some time.
SaanKote sighed. I held my hands, sweating in the dark silence.
As if he could read my thoughts, he began: "I have been alive only some four and twenty years," He began, "But I have suffered in my life. I had a great love and more than one great loss. I find solace in beauty of being alive – it is not much and much of the time it does not seem to suffice— but I cherish the time we have in this realm. The reasons we suffer will be revealed in the next life and our sufferings will bring us great peace and wisdom.
"It is human to have emotions, to feel intensely, to bind ourselves to things and to other people. I find relief from the physical with my faith in the spiritual. We are born alone, we die alone with nothing but our souls. What things and people we find attachment to in this life will give us temporary feelings of joy, sadness, jealousy or fear, but what we believe in and carry with in our hearts, that is what lives on forever."
I could not speak right away. When I opened my mouth, my voice trembled. "SaanKote. I often worry that I am not suffering the right way, that what troubles me is not of the kind the Unmarked Ones would reward."
"Yossinda," he laughed a little, "You are far too faith-filled, honest and loyal to be overlooked by the Unmarked Ones. Your sufferings are not false, they are not petty. Whatever you are enduring, no matter how ugly or terrible, you are not being dishonest. Continue to walk the path in your heart and nothing will be able to stop you from walking with the Unmarked Ones. In that place you will find peace."
Though I knew I should resist, I couldn’t help but wonder if the path in my heart was leading to him.
Chapter 54
Aneh
After dinner, the last of the spring season, Mole and Mouse told me they were ready. It's time to run, they said.
As far as the Keep would know, I was going to die tonight, I had to leave just enough of myself to make it look right. I sawed at my thick bundle of hair with a dull knife. Later I would use the same one to cut out my tattoo. I changed into another set of clothes and gave my old ones and my hair bundle to Mouse and Mole in one of our secret passageways. Mouse and I embraced for the first and last time, lightly and awkwardly. I was over a head taller than the little man, my friend and the reason I had made it this far. Mole hugged me firmly then handed me a key for the last locked door I would have to pass through in Saansanti.
Too excited and nervous for long good-byes, we parted swiftly. I headed to Dottir. I had begged Mole to come visit me in Koyote, when he had bought his freedom. He promised to bring Mouse too.
Dottir and I would have to travel down a series of passages that I had never been in before. We would pass the mines and exit through a secret door in an inner city canal that sloped down into the river. There we could travel unnoticed in the dark, following the river and ultimately exiting the city.
But first I had to get her out of her cell and past the guard.
He was awake when I arrived.
"You again?" He grunted at me.
"Yes, I left something in the prisoner's cell earlier," I flashed my tattoo, "And... I need the key for her chains, to clean a wound..." I had practiced this line in my head over and over. The words sounded rehearsed as I spoke them.
He looked at me, half suspicious, half irritated and certainly more coherent than I'd ever seen him. I produced a little metal box from my cloak.
"For your troubles," I said and handed it over. He opened it up like a greedy child. The Tinea shined in the torch light, dark gray and smooth.
"This is the good stuff, the dark stuff," he snorted. Without looking at me he fished in his pocket for the keys, flung them at me, then stuck his fingers in the sludge.
Seconds later the door hinges squeaked as I opened Dottir's cell. She smiled at me as I entered.
"Aneh!" She laughed.
"Dottir. We get to use quiet voices tonight," I whispered, "Can you do a quiet voice?"
"Shhhhh," she hissed. I nodded and smiled.
"Give me your hands," I unlatched her chains.
"Aneeeeh," she said, "Mama gets mad. No chains. Mama mad."
"Mama wants no chains for now. Mama said, be quiet, be good Dottir. Mama told me," I lied.
"Get your doll please," I continued, "I got you a new cloak. Let's see how it fits. Are you ready to go for a little walk?"
I plucked the burning torch from Dottir's cell and held Dottir with my free hand. She was perfectly quiet. We inched towards the guard to find him drooling on his own chest, drugged and asleep. I slipped the keys into his pocket. Aside from the missing torch, it might be days before he'd noticed we were gone.
We started up the stairway. I counted thirty steps and started looking for the doorway. Dottir suddenly stopped and looked up. A distinct breeze flowed from an open door further down the hall. I tugged on her hand a little, talking sweetly, "Dottir, this way...Come on, we have to go now." As quickly as she had first lunged for me so many months before, Dottir lurched away and I lost my grip.
Chapter 55
Yossinda
It was a light cool evening when I went down to tend to the Queen. She had been in her chamber through the most of the season of winter and the entire season of winds. Now that it was nearly the end of spring under the element of Reas, I had more faith that her days in her watery bed were almost over.
When I arrived there were a few underling Saans working away in the water gallery. Like every time I came here, they bowed when I arrived and promptly excused themselves, never making eye contact. What an honor it was to be entrusted with such a woman in such a situation. Between my suffering and hers, maybe we would both be walking together in the afterlife.
I was preparing some tinctures in the blue light of the water gallery when the door creaked.
"Yossinda," said a deep voice I
recognized. I turned around smiling.
"Your Holiness," I crossed myself and bowed, not daring to meet his eyes.
"I was moved tonight to come see the Queen. I see she looks much better, thank you for your services. Can I help with anything?"
"No, no Your Holiness I was just finishing up. If you don't mind," I gestured to my workbench before walking over. He followed me.
I could barely work with SaanKote standing so near. He was asking me questions about the poultices and solutions, how much I added and if I knew what they were for.
"This is greater celandine, to keep the water clean and keep her calm in the case that she comes out of her deep sleep.
"This is a tincture of larkspur. Those purple flowers that grow in the hills outside of the city... I have only seen them once in a merchants cart. I do not know what they are for.
"This one is a bittersweet nightshade, SaanGerric told me it came from wild potatoes and is a good source of nutrition for the Queen.
"I believe, though I'm not sure, that this last one is called Kratom. It comes from very far away and I'm supposed to be very careful with it. Kratom helps the Queen have better dreams in her deep sleep. The dreams are full of love and emotion, I'm told."
SaanKote looked me directly in the eye. To my surprise, he even grabbed my wrists, cupping his hands in mine. My heart began racing again. His eyes were like infinite cups of green tea, his skin was smooth and perfect. I even loved his crooked teeth. I had become foolish for this Saan, just like Katrine had said I might.
"Yossinda listen to me," he began, "You should get out of this task. You don't know what you are doing, and I don't want you to get hurt. A lot of these tinctures are poisons if you do not use them right. If the Queen never wakes up, the blame could fall on you, and that is something I don't want, for you, for me, or for anyone in this City."
"Please, SaanKote," I started with a small laugh, "I've been doing this for months. I know what I'm doing."
"Right. Has she gotten any better?" he asked. I knew he was looking directly at me, but I couldn't return his gaze.
"She's opened her eyes once or twice," I said a little sassily.