Dinia pointed to the giant iron stove and the dough rising in baskets on top of it. I removed it and began kneading. It smelled sour. I coated my hands with flour so it wouldn’t stick as I worked. If I didn't clean well, whatever clung underneath my fingernails would turn gray and ugly before the evening finished. The work was soothing and repetitive, such that I nearly forgot to put it in the oven. I put butter into little porcelain tubs and found the dull knives that accompanied them. For all the time they spent praising a life of simplicity, the Saans surely enjoyed the richest of food.
My thoughts blurred together as I worked. Finally Dinia gripped my wrist, pulling me out of my daze.
"Carry these up the stairs to the fifth floor," she said. She gestured to the now full trays of food lined up on the center table.
I snapped back to reality, and was suddenly nervous. “Oh, I really don’t think I can…I’m not….”
Dinia interrupted my stuttered apology. “You serve the Domi daily. You should be able to carry food to the Highest Ones shouldn’t you?” she asked. Dinia was kinder than Lillian, but she had the same intolerance for incompetence.
“If you’re lucky, they might let you in to see all of the Saans” she added.
I simply nodded, though I wanted to gush with gratitude for her confidence.
And before dinner, she allowed me to go back to the servant's House and spend a few minutes in guided prayer. She knew the House would calm me, help me feel whole and in harmony again. I prayed that the Unmarked Ones would guide me from above, so that I would serve well and serve humbly. And then I listened to a reading given by one of the Brothers in the house.
Chapter 17
Aneh
It was yellow, slimy and solitary. The sight of it saddened me—it had no use. Just a waste. Could it have been food? Or a baby chick?
This was the fifth time I’d found an egg like this in my chicken’s coop. Some of them were honey-sticky, some were dried up like old sap, and all of them had no shells. It worried me.
The chickens seemed unconcerned and continued on like it was an ordinary cold winter day. I inspected their food, scanned the coop for predators and examined the stream almost hourly. I felt as naive about the cause of the shell-less-ness as the chickens were of their laying problem.
Life continued on, slow and routined. Every night I went to bed curled up alone and thinking of Olei. In the morning I awoke saddened to find myself in the same spot, still alone.
I felt a guilt spreading through me for choosing to stay in Koyote instead of going after Olei. It spoke to me through the solemn faces of the people in the village. I heard it when I was warm at home and full of food. I heard it when the wind howled against the latched windows.
Chapter 18
Yossinda
“Stop asking if I’ve seen him yet. No one has seen him,” Yeidi snapped.
“Do you think that he is here in the City?” I asked.
“I’m certain of it. The Great Ones are keeping him for themselves right now….training him and telling him all of their biggest secrets.”
“Oh,” I paused to think. “Have you heard anything about when…”
“No Yossy,” she barked, interrupting me. “If you keep asking like this, I won’t tell you when I do see him.”
I frowned and starting walking faster to get away from her. The doors to the inner city got closer with every step. As I looked over my shoulder I could see my sister, now far behind, walking with a smile and looking grateful to be alone. Puffs of my flustered breath turned to clouds in the cold air, obscuring my view.
Weeks had passed since I’d had my chance to serve the Saans. I had arrived on the fifth floor that evening only to have the heavy tray taken by some young underlings. “Missus,” one said in the high voice of a boy as he bowed slightly.
I felt dismayed by my missed opportunity which made me intensely jealous of my sister and her job in the Citadel. She seemed to be healthier—or at least not using Tinea—lately. It was hard to know if it was better to have mean Yeidi safe at home or drugged Yeidi gone from the house. Aethan save me for wondering.
As soon as I entered the inner city gates I wished I had stayed walking with my sister. A dirty slave cowered next to the powerful bodies of two or three of the guards. They grabbed his thin, pale wrists with enough force to break his arms and yarded him up off his feet. Afraid for what would happen next, I turned my head and kept walking. Behind me I heard his cries of pain.
In that moment I was so grateful to be a free woman that I took the last coins in my pocket and gave them to the nearest House of the Saans. Praise them for the life they have given me.
Chapter 19
Aneh
Terro’s season came early, which was not a good thing. Either we would have a long, dry and hot summer or a harsh, blustery few months ahead of us. Neither one seemed appealing.
“Aneh,” my papa called me. “Where are you?”
I for up from my perch on the patio and walked towards the workroom that abutted the east side of the house.
“I’m here,” I said, aware of the sadness in my voice.
He looked up from sanding a board as I entered the doorway. My father had treated me so kindly and carefully since Olei was taken, like a fine piece of pottery liable to break. In spite of his kindness I couldn’t help but wonder if he was embarrassed by our situation or burdened by an additional mouth to feed.
“There you are, my Aneh. I need your help moving these.” He gestured to a stack of boards fastened neatly together. They were replacement boards for the chicken coop.
I nodded and bent over to pick up the heavy wood, careful to look for splinters. The shell-less egg problem had come to a halt a few weeks prior. But now the chickens had begun to brood—all of them at once. It was incredibly strange and left us all hungry for eggs.
Papa brought it up as we walked towards the coop.
“If those chickens don’t start laying soon we might have to think about getting a new flock.”
I nodded, a lump in my throat starting to form. Was it my fault they weren’t laying?
“What do you think is happening with them?” I asked.
“In all the flocks I’ve ever been around, I’ve never seen anything like this. Perhaps they are sick, or they would like to be made into chicken stew?”
“Papa!”
“Some creatures are sensitive to others’ emotions Aneh.” My mother had quietly walked up behind us to contribute to the conversation. Papa and I turned towards her, startled.
“They might be feeling your energy,” she added. Papa shrugged when I looked to him for his interpretation.
“What should I do?” I asked them.
“I think you should go see Rhys and ask for another pairing. The best way to recover from your loss is to move on. We love having you here, but it is clear you are unhappy,” she said.
How could she be so callous? Tears welled up in my eyes. I turned to walk towards the road, eager to be away.
“Aneh,” I could hear my mother calling, “Aneh don’t be upset!”
The tears streaming down my face were quickly erased by the whipping winds and within a few minutes of walking I was hardly crying at all. Joh’s dwelling came into view as I crested a hill. Without thinking I sped toward her.
Joh couldn’t offer me the sage advice I often sought. Newly pregnant and constantly ill, Joh was too consumed by something lying in the dirt to even notice me approaching.
“Hello friend,” I said as I neared her.
“Aneh, what do you make of this?” She pointed to the mucous covered, deformed gray shape at her feet
Chapter 20
Yossinda
Today I was wearing a dress of my mother’s, a soft shade of green with a neckline that hung deeper than I liked. I tried to avoid wearing her things, it made my father so sad to be reminded of her, but I had dirtied yesterday's dress too badly to wear. It would have to soak today, dry tomorr
ow; for two days I would have to wear this dress. Though I had washed it many times since she had died, I couldn't help but imagine her smell when I was wearing it.
The walk to the Citadel was lined with carts and merchants setting up their wares for the day. Even in the dim light of the windy morning I could see goods, spools of wool, carts of cabbage and carrots, glass jars, bags of spices. The smell of a freshly baked pastry was enough to make me salivate. I checked my pockets for coins that weren't there. It was fine, I didn't need to eat. Fuller women weren't fashionable.
Most days I kept my wits about me as I walked, looking for pick-pockets and leering men. Today I was alert, but I couldn't keep my mind from wandering. I had had the dream again which left me terribly heartsick for missing my mother. Life would be so much better if she was still alive.
Father never looked at other women after she died. I often wondered what it would be like if he had. He had many female admirers, I knew that. There were some that I knew from the Citadel who had asked about him. He was handsome I suppose, and he was free. If he found another woman then Rhys could have a mother, and maybe he would get better. I vowed to pray for another mother for Rhys the next time I went to the House of the Saans.
My mind continued to wander the rest of the morning, distracting me from my chores.
"You're awfully slow today," Lillian grumbled. I cracked eggs into a pot, then threw the shells out the window where the crows waited like flying black rats.
Lillian managed to know what was going on all the time in the Keep but she never seemed to be anywhere but the Kitchens. She was head of kitchen matters and cooking, but she rarely did any cooking, only bossing and eating. I cursed myself for thinking ill of her.
"I'm sorry, Missus. My thoughts are wandering," I said apologetically. I shouldn't have tried to explain myself.
"Well stop them, it's making you a terrible cook. Look at the shell pieces you've let slip into the pot. Pick them out and finish with the mix. If the Domi find any crunchy egg shells in their biscuits I'll have you sent to the mines."
The threat of working in the mines was more than enough to make me give up my daydreams. My father had told me what the slaves do in the mines, and what Bridge would do if I didn't work hard. Father said the mine warden collected the teeth of insubordinate slaves.
"Yossinda, take these to the Garden," Lillian barked when I had finished the mix.
"Right away, Missus Lillian," I picked up a heaping tray of dried fruits and candied nuts and headed for the gardens trailed by a slave girl I had never met. She was afraid to look at me.
"Pick up your feet. Come on," I tried to be stern but kind with her, "What is your name?" She just shook her head. Either she had no name or she didn't speak my language. Probably both.
The yard was bright and I squinted hard. The sun was directly overhead. Flanked by the usual ladies in waiting, Princess Eileen, Queen Myrah, and Prince Estevan were watching King Manuel and Lord Aanders finish a wrestling match. I set the tray down, curtsied and said, "Your Grace," just loud enough that they would hear but not be disturbed. None of the Domi looked up or took notice of me, none but the King.
"Aanders, you're like a scrappy kitten, you wrestle like a coward with nails and teeth," Manuel said this as he looked directly at me. Sweat dripped down his brow onto his white tunic. Lord Aanders lay on the grass, defeated and breathing hard. Manuel walked over to the tray I had just set down, picking up a handful of goods and putting them, one by one, into his mouth.
"What is your name, girl?" The King asked me pointedly.
"Yossinda, Your Grace," I sputtered. The sun was still in my eyes.
"Bring me some wine. A man needs to drink after a battle won."
The King’s expression wasn’t of kindness or consideration. It was a look I had gotten before, from drunk men on the streets or from unsavory guards. His expression sent pangs of fear through my stomach; I believed I had just become the object of his desire.
We left to retrieve the wine. I was so scared that I sent the small slave girl back alone, knowing I might get punished for such a thing.
Chapter 21
Aneh
Only a matter of days after Joh and I found the other fish my bees promptly died. All of them. The queen was small and shriveled in the brittle comb. Had I killed the bees, just like I was saddening my chickens?
Too many confusing things had happened since Olei was taken. I couldn’t help but interpret them collectively as a sign that I had done the wrong thing.
“Your mother is probably right about the chickens and the bees,” Rhys said from a seat fastened from two flat sandstone rocks, “but as for the fish and the water, I do not know. It has been a hard year for Koyote indeed, from the loss of Olei to the mystery of the washer woman falls. But for you Aneh, it has been especially tragic. You have lost so many things that you love.”
“Should I have gone after Olei?”
He sighed, “As I said before Aneh, you have two choices. You still have not made one. If you stay here you must find a new path. Learn to accept the loss and make peace with Olei’s unknown fate. If you leave, you will find truth and perhaps Olei too. But you will not be able to bring him back in body or mind.”
I fussed with my pairing bracelets instead of speaking.
“For my sake, I wish you would stay here. I do enjoy your company,” he continued with a glimmer in his eye. “But if you go remember what I’ve told you. And be very, very wary of the Saans and their tricks.”
Chapter 22
Yossinda
For a few weeks after the wrestling match in the garden, I managed to avoid the King. I traded chores with others if I thought he might be there. It was on my mind all the time.
I was in the servants’ House of the Saans as much as possible now, praying for my safety and trying to find peace in the little sanctuary. I knelt there with my eyes closed, listening to the water trickle to my right, smelling the earth and letting the little breeze catch my hair. Until I heard light footsteps approaching me, I was sure that I had been alone.
I opened my eyes to the silhouette of a young Brother standing before me. I couldn't see his face well, but I could tell he was smiling.
"May I kneel next to you?" he asked.
"Oh, of course," quickly I crossed my arms and bowed my head. The Saan gracefully turned and knelt next to me. I kept staring in the middle distance ahead of me.
"I've noticed, you've been especially devoted lately. Is there something bothering you my child?"
The young Saan surprised me with his candor. I had never been approached in a House by a Saan, or approached by anyone for that matter, wondering if something was wrong. And me, I never would have thought to ask anyone to listen, or tell anyone I was struggling. I suddenly wanted very much to tell him everything – my sister and her drugs, my fear of the King, my mother's death that still saddened me. But that is not what I said.
"I find comfort here, dear Brother Saan. The House is the only place where I feel whole, where I feel like I can be myself, where I feel safe and protected."
"I see," he said thoughtfully. "You know, suffering is a holy thing, it is something to revere and respect, but you do not have to do it alone."
I listened to him, curious why he might care about me. I felt flattered, but decided that was not his purpose; that he was just doing his job.
He sighed, then made small talk, something very unusual for a Saan.
"The city is certainly alive and colorful these days. I've seen creatures I thought were only mythical and heard languages that sound like sweet music, though I cannot understand them. The coming weeks will be full of celebrations and excitement. The new Saan will be coming out for the nightly blessing this evening. Did you know that? SaanKote, more elegant than I could've expected. We had a welcoming ceremony last night for him. After months of in-depth prayer and fasting he was deemed worthy but the other Saans.”
I looked up at the mention of SaanKote.
This was certainly my strangest experience in a House yet, but it was not without value.
"Bless this SaanKote!" I said.
"Indeed, yes, Bless SaanKote," he said, getting up to leave me, "If you need anything, dear, I have ears for listening."
We bowed to each other and he left. In a minute, I would have to return to work, but for the time being, I was left with my thoughts in the safety of the House. My mind scurried thinking of a way to get to the blessing this evening.
The roar of the crowd gathering in the blessing yard was audible even in the courtyard of the Red Keep. How joyful the coming of the Great One!
How wonderful that the gloriousness of the new SaanKote was more than I could’ve hoped. We had begun the blessing in the usual fashion, crossing ourselves and bowing before the Great Ones processed onto the balcony. I held my breath as the last one walked out. He was tall and dark skinned, like SaanAethan but more olive. I was far back in the crowd, too far back to make out his features, but at least I could make out his wide smile.
He spoke with a slight accent—it was unusual but gave his words a certain majesty. I can still remember bits of his blessing now, “I am now one with Kote and now one with you, people of SaanSanti.”
Chapter 23
Aneh
A moon cycle passed before I left. I spent the time when no one was looking gathering some supplies and stashing them in the chicken coop. Alerted by my new behavior, some of the chickens stopped brooding. They walked around now in the yard ignorant of the naked skin showing on their bellies from months of idle brooding.
Silently in a warm spring night, I left.
I ran with little and I relied on what I knew and what I found. As I traveled further from everything I’d ever known I was surprised at how giving and friendly people were on the way. I met people who had no crops but traveled, following herds of deer and never staying in a place more than a few nights at a time. One night I stayed in a village that had lost a young man too. As in Koyote, the villagers were powerless and frightened, though I did not reveal our shared struggle or my true intentions in SaanSanti.