“Nothing. What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. You just… Never mind. I’ll see you in two hours.”
“Okay.”
I hung up the phone and sighed. I was not a good liar. I didn’t want to be. I’d always considered myself to be a loyal, trustworthy friend. But here I was, in my best friend’s ex-boyfriend’s house, making out with him behind her back. And the worst part? I was eager to go back into his room and pick up where we’d left off. What was wrong with me?
I turned around and opened Toby’s door. He was sitting up on the bed, and he looked over at me when I walked in.
“Quick question,” he said. “What does BRB mean?”
“Be right back.”
“So… it’s an abbreviation?”
“Yeah. Obviously.”
He grinned. This big, broad grin that, at first, I didn’t get. He just looked like some deranged circus clown but without the scary makeup. Then it hit me.
“Damn it.”
“And that makes two.”
***
Toby dropped me off at my house a little while later. It was obvious he wanted to stick around, but I shooed him out of the driveway as fast as I could.
“Bianca will be here soon,” I told him.
“Okay… So?”
“So she doesn’t know about us.”
“Why can’t you just tell her?”
“OMG, Toby, it’s not that easy.”
“And that’s sixteen,” he said. “I’m dating a girl who says ‘OMG’ nearly sixteen times in an hour.”
“I have not used sixteen abbreviations!”
“Yes. Yes, you have. But why can’t you tell Bianca about us?”
“I just… look, maybe I can—I’ll try—but I don’t want her finding out by pulling into the driveway and seeing us in your car. It’s complicated, and I need to find a good way to tell her.”
He sighed. “All right. But can you do it soon? I’m not really the sneaking-around type.”
“Yeah… me neither.” I kissed him on the cheek. “I’ll see you soon.”
He drove away. And literally five minutes later, Bianca pulled up in front of my house. I tried to play it cool, not look too guilty or anything. But the harder I tried, the more uncomfortable I got. B kept looking at me like I was on crack.
“You okay?” she asked on the way to Jess’s house.
“Yeah, of course. I’m fine. I’m just cold. Your car is fucking freezing. You still haven’t gotten that heater fixed?”
She shrugged. “I’m in New York, so it doesn’t really matter most of the time. Dad’s tried, but he can’t figure out what’s wrong with it.”
“Is Wesley good with cars?”
B snorted. “Have you met Wesley? He can afford to pay people to fix his car, so he does. I don’t think he’d even know how to open the hood if he had to.”
Jess met us at her front door, dressed in a hideous reindeer sweater and a Santa hat. “Girls’ Night!” she squealed, dancing in a little circle while B and I hung our jackets on the rack by her front door.
“God, Jessica,” B said. “How much caffeine have you had today?”
“Not a drop!” She sprinted into the kitchen and emerged a second later with bowls of ice cream. “Chocolate swirl, naturally.” She handed each of us a bowl. “Now, upstairs!”
I glanced at B and we both shook our heads.
“Some things never change,” I said.
“Yeah,” B agreed. We reached the top of the stairs. Jess waited for us just outside her open bedroom door. “And some things really should. Like that sweater.”
“Don’t dis the reindeer!”
“Sorry. Couldn’t resist.”
We all headed toward Jess’s bedroom. Like everything she owned, it was glittery and pink. Every inch of it.
“I’m glad some things do change, though,” B said, settling onto the edge of Jess’s bed. “I so do not miss high school. Last year was a mess. Well, for me. You two were pretty much saints. Like always.”
“That’s… not exactly true,” I said.
The last semester of senior year had been a little rough. B had been sneaking around with Wesley and lying to Jess and me about it. Then there had been some stuff with her parents and she kept ditching us and it was just a lot of drama there for a while. Luckily, we managed to patch things up.
“Please. What have you two ever done wrong?” she asked, laughing like it was just inconceivable. “It’s pretty annoying, actually. How freaking perfect you two are.”
“Stop it!” Jess said, nudging her.
“Yeah… I mean, I was pretty horrible to you during that fight last year,” I said. Her landslide of praise was making me feel seriously guilty.
“But then when I needed you, you were there,” B said. “You were pissed, but you were there. That’s pretty saintlike, Casey. I’m a pretty lucky girl to have you—both of you—as friends.”
I was about to tell her—I really was—but before I could get the words out, Jess cut me off.
“Aww, thanks, Bianca. You know I love cheesy bonding moments,” she admitted, “but, seriously, sentimental Bianca is creeping me out.”
“Ugh,” B said. “Okay, you’re right. Fuck this, fuck that, and fuck everything in between. Is that better? More like me?”
“Much.” Jess got to her feet. “Now what movie are we watching?”
“Something with James McAvoy?” B guessed.
“Oh no. I mean, he’s great, but I’ve moved on. I’m a Ryan Gosling girl now.”
“Jessica, I swear to God, if you make me watch The Notebook, I’m going to murder you in your sleep. No fucking way.”
I didn’t say much for the rest of the night. B thought I was so perfect, and yet somehow, I couldn’t spit it out that I was sort of dating Toby Tucker. I wasn’t nearly the best friend she made me out to be.
Usually Girls’ Night made us all feel closer.
But this time, I felt further from my best friend than I ever had.
Chapter Four
“Okay, so, question,” I said. Toby and I were on our way home from a date one night, and I’d noticed he was wearing the same blazer he’d worn to the French film on our first “accidental” date. “Whatever happened to the blazer from the party? The one the hacky-sack idiots spilled beer on? I never see you wear it anymore.”
“You really want to know?”
“Yeah. I mean, I’m just curious.”
“Um, well… it’s ruined.”
“What?”
“The blow-dryer kind of locked in the beer stink. And shrunk it.”
“OMG.” I buried my face in my hands. “I’m so sorry! Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you stop me?”
“It wasn’t that nice of a blazer,” he said. “I was willing to let you ruin it that night just so I could keep hanging out with you.”
“You’re ridiculously sweet,” I said. “But I really am sorry. I’ll get you a new one.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he said. “Although, that reminds me. I have a question for you, too. But it might be a little awkward.”
“I’m intrigued.”
He stared straight out the windshield, not taking his eyes off the road. “I know this—us—is new. Really new. I don’t even know if you think of us as serious or just a fling, but—Well, I’m not asking about that, but—”
I almost laughed. “What exactly are you asking, then?”
“Are we exchanging Christmas gifts?”
“Oh.” I twirled a lock of my hair around my finger. “Well, I hadn’t thought about it. And I don’t want you to feel obligated or anything.”
“I don’t feel obligated,” he insisted. “Okay, maybe I should rephrase. I found something I want to get you for Christmas. But I wasn’t sure how that would make you feel. I don’t want you to feel obligated or uncomfortable, I just—”
“I like presents,” I said.
“What?”
“I know it sounds materialis
tic and shallow,” I admitted. “But I love presents. I will never turn one down. I even accept all the frilly, pink, sparkly things Jess gives me. That’s how much I like presents.”
Toby laughed.
“And I might get you something, too,” I said, grinning at him. “Just maybe.”
“Well, if you’re feeling generous,” he said, the corners of his mouth tilting upward, “I am in need of a new blazer.”
“No,” I said. “No, you’re not.”
“You don’t like the blazers?”
“I don’t like anything that covers up your arms,” I said. “Don’t think I didn’t notice them. You started working out, didn’t you, Harvard Boy?”
He blushed. Deep red. “Occasionally.”
“Well, I like it. The blazers just get in my way.”
He pulled into a gas station on the edge of Hamilton. “I’ll be back in a second,” he said. “Just have to fill the tank. Do you need anything?”
“No, thanks. I’m good.”
“Okay. I’ll BRB, as you’d say.”
“Shut up!” I laughed.
“You mean STFU?”
“Get out!” I shoved his shoulder playfully and he climbed out of the car, chuckling. I leaned back in my seat and stared out the window, a smile still on my lips. It seemed like I was always smiling around him.
I almost didn’t see the Porsche pull into the gas station. But when I did, a wave of panic smashed into me. That car could only belong to one person in this town—Wesley. Bianca’s Wesley. I let out a little yelp and dove beneath the edge of the window, my long body scrunched down as low as it could possibly go. Stupidly, I found myself holding my breath. As if Wesley might hear me breathing from across the parking lot.
I stayed in that cramped position until the driver’s side door opened. “So, I know you said you didn’t want anything, but—”
“Shh!” I hissed. “Is he gone?”
“Who? Casey, what are you doing down there?” Toby asked. “What’s wrong?”
“Shh,” I said again. “Is Wesley inside? His car pulled in a second ago. Did he go inside yet?”
“Umm.” Toby looked over his shoulder. “He… just walked in.”
“Good.” I eased back up. “Hurry and get in before he walks back out here.”
Toby got into the car and shut the door. He’d started the engine and pulled out of the parking lot before he asked, “Why, exactly, were you hiding from Wesley Rush?”
“Because I didn’t want him to see me in your car,” I said.
“So… us going out is still a secret?”
“I just haven’t told Bianca yet,” I said.
“Have you told anyone yet?”
“No.”
“Right.” He sighed.
“Because they might tell B,” I insisted. “My mom knows, though. That’s something.”
“Is there… is there more of a reason you haven’t told Bianca yet?” Toby asked. He seemed nervous.
“What do you mean?”
“You said it was just because I’m her ex,” he said. “But Bianca and I barely dated. And we ended as friends. I just don’t think she’d have that much of a problem with it.”
“It’s against Girl Code,” I told him.
“So you’re never going to tell her?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“It’s just…” He paused, focusing hard on the road. Harder than he needed to, even. “It’s just that… I like you.”
“I like you, too.”
“And I don’t see how we can keep doing this—dating—if your best friend doesn’t even know about it.”
He was right. I knew he was.
“I’ll tell her,” I said. “I’ll… I’ll call her tonight and tell her.”
“Really?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
He parked in front of my house and glanced over at me. The smile was back. “Thank you,” he said. “I just don’t want this to be a secret. Even if it’s just for winter break, it means something to me. And I don’t want to hide that.”
I looked down, blushing. “You say some of the sweetest things I’ve ever heard a boy say,” I told him. “It’s almost like you’re a robot programmed to make a girl smile.”
He mock-gasped. “How did you know?”
I looked up and leaned in and we kissed. Just for a second. Then, teasingly, I pulled away. “We’ll save some for your Christmas present,” I whispered. And, without another word, I climbed out of his car and walked into my house.
An hour later, I called B. I felt a little bit nauseated. I just needed to make this call, like a normal person. Like a girl calling her best friend. No big deal. Then why were my hands shaking?
“Hey, Casey,” she said.
“Hey, B. Are you busy?”
“Uh, actually, I am,” she said. “Wesley just picked me up. We’re on our way to his sister’s piano recital.”
“Oh.”
“Can I call you back?”
“Yeah. Of course. Talk to you later.”
I hung up, feeling relieved and wishing I didn’t. B forgot to call me back. I never got up the nerve to dial her number again. Not that night. Or the next. I’d made myself almost sick with nerves. I wasn’t even sure what she’d do when she found out—yell, cuss, stop talking to me. It wasn’t her reaction I was afraid of, it was that I’d upset her at all. It was that I’d betrayed her.
I was supposed to be the loyal one. The protector. B was the one who screwed up, and I made it better. Ever since the day she’d fallen on the playground and I’d screamed at the kids making fun of her. That’s how our relationship went. I wasn’t supposed to be the one messing things up.
I still hadn’t told her a couple days later, when Wesley threw a huge night-before-Christmas-Eve party at his house. Pretty much everyone between the ages of sixteen and twenty who lived in a twenty-mile radius was there. Luckily, there was plenty of room, since he lived in a freaking mansion.
Plenty of room, but somehow I still felt claustrophobic. Maybe because Bianca and Toby were in the same place for the first time since that last party, where the whole mess started. I felt like a character in an episode of a bad sitcom, trying to figure out how to be with two people at once without them knowing about each other.
And if I’ve learned anything from sitcoms, it’s that the person trying to pull that stunt always fails. Miserably.
The first hour of the party was almost unbearable. Jess took off to go talk to Harrison Carlyle, convinced that—once and for all—he was going to declare his love for her. That meant all of B’s attention was on me, and meeting up with Toby—like I’d told him I would—was nearly impossible.
“You thirsty?” B asked as we walked around the party. “Now that Jessica has a car, I don’t have to be the DD all the freaking time and I kind of want a beer. Want me to grab you something?”
“Sure, I—” I paused, seeing an opportunity. “I can go get the drinks, though.”
“Well, I mean, we can go to the kitchen together,” B said, already starting to walk that way.
“Uh—wait!” I grabbed her arm. “There are two seats on the couch. Why don’t you grab them before someone else does? That way we have a place to sit. And I’ll get the drinks.”
“Okay,” she said slowly. “Sure. Why not. Just grab me a can of beer.”
“Of course! I’ll be right back.”
I took off toward the kitchen, hoping that it wouldn’t take me long to find Toby. Sure enough, I found him standing next to a cooler, talking to Vikki McPhee. She had a beer in her hand, but his hands were empty. He looked up and smiled at me as I walked in.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hi.”
I was scared that Vikki would stick around, but her cousin, Jeanine, called her away a second later.
“You’re not drinking?” I asked Toby.
He shook his head. “I’m the designated driver. I told Jeanine and Vikki I’d give them a ride home.”
&n
bsp; “Mr. Responsible.”
“I can drive you home, too, if you want,” he offered.
“Thanks, but no thanks. I think Jess has that covered.”
“Oh, okay.” But he looked a little disappointed.
“Aww. Looks like someone was hoping to fool around later,” I teased. “Were you expecting some Christmas backseat action? That’s awfully scandalous, Mr. Tucker.”
He blushed. Just a little. “No, no. Nothing like that. I just—”
I shoved his shoulder. “Oh, don’t be so coy. We both know what you were hoping for.” I grinned. “And maybe it’s not totally off the table. We’ll see.”
His face got redder.
I laughed. OMG, he was adorable. I leaned in to kiss him and—
And then I remembered where I was. And how many people were around. And how easy it would be for one of them to see and then go tell Bianca.
I stepped back.
Toby looked surprised.
“I have to go to the bathroom,” I blurted, backing away.
“Oh. All right.”
I took another step back, then remembered B and the beer she wanted. I bent down and grabbed two cans from the cooler.
“You’re taking beer to the bathroom?” Toby asked.
“Well, uh… in case there’s a line. That way I have something to drink, you know?”
“Okay,” he said. “But two?”
“I might pass someone who needs a drink. I’ll save them a trip. Anyway, gotta pee. BRB. Shit! Don’t count that. I’ll be back in a few.”
I took off into the living room, where B was waiting for me on the couch.
“What took you so long?” she asked.
“The kitchen was crowded. Took me a while to get close to the cooler,” I lied. I’d had that one prepared.
B started talking about something, but I wasn’t listening. I kept glancing over my shoulder to make sure Toby hadn’t come into the living room. I didn’t want him to see me with B and come over and say hi or something. I didn’t want him to know I was still lying to her about us.
I didn’t want him to know what a coward I was.
I ran back and forth for a while, hurrying Bianca through each beer so I could go grab her another and making excuses to Toby about why I needed to run off a few minutes after meeting back up with him. It was exhausting. So when Wesley sat down on the couch next to Bianca and me, I was relieved. At least B would be distracted by someone else for a while so I could make an escape and spend some actual time with Toby.