As I started to wake up, I realized that it was probably my mother that cleaned my room. I knew she was looking for something, anything, to explain my out-of-character defiance. I hesitated as I tried to remember more details, what I was missing - but everything was just as foggy…it almost seemed worse than it was before I went to sleep.
I took a deep breath, then tore through my covers looking for my phone, hoping I’d simply pulled my headphones from my ears in my sleep. Anxiety started to come over every part of me when I realized my phone was nowhere to be found. I heard the whispers laugh. I furrowed my eyebrows in anger – but it was just an act; I was terrified.
I closed my eyes and started to remember the song I’d fallen asleep to – the voice that made me feel safe. I could barely hold the memory in my mind, but it was enough to give me the courage I needed to look calm in front of this darkness.
I sighed and went to find something to drink, hoping that my mother had simply taken my phone to get my attention – to make it impossible for me to hide in my room. The apartment was dim, but I could see the light from the TV in the front room at the end of the hall.
I crossed the hall to my mom’s room to see if she was asleep, slightly hoping that Rosa was the one in the front room. I found her bed empty, still made. The clock on her night stand said twelve AM. I turned on the light, too afraid to cross the dark room without my music. I walked to her bedside table to look at the date on her phone that was by the charger; it was Saturday – or at least it had been for the last minute. How did I sleep all the way through Friday? I searched her bedside drawer for my phone; not finding it, I knew I only had one choice: to ask her for it. I debated on just going back to my room to somehow hum myself back to sleep – but then the thirst that had woken me in the first place made itself known as I tried to swallow.
I stepped into the hallway and reached for the light, turning it on before I began to walk toward the front room. I watched as the shadows of the hall snaked themselves against the wall, avoiding the lit path I’d given myself. Walking down the hall, I tried to prepare myself for the lecture that was sure to come from my mom. I loved my mother – but one thing is for sure: we are complete strangers. She had never even tried to understand who I was…what I was really struggling with.
Before stepping into the living room, I reached my arm around the corner to turn on the light, then quickly walked to the kitchen, which was on the left. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my mother raise her head from her work and silently watch me avoid a darkness that only I seem to be able to see.
Normally when I’m in trouble, my heart races, my ears burn, and I feel horribly guiltily - but not this time. My head hurt too bad to care – I was in a fog.
The main light in the kitchen was on, but I went out of my way to turn on the one above the sink and the stove. I heard the snickering from the shadows as they subsided away from the new light. “Laugh all you want,” I whispered at them. I could see my mom out of the corner of my eye at her desk by the window. She shook her head as she saw me counter the whispers.
The TV was muted. I had no idea why she even bothered to turn it on sometimes. I had almost devoured an entire bottle of water before she finally followed me. She walked over to the cabinet and pulled out a bottle of Tylenol and handed me two pills. I took them, thinking I may have overestimated her ill mood.
“If I fixed you something to eat, would you eat it?” she asked.
“Eat, Charlie...,” the whispers taunted in an annoying, overlapping sequence.
I shook my head no, determined not to eat simply because they wanted me to.
“You’re not hungry at all? You missed three meals – and you’re not hungry?” my mother said.
Seeing that this was going to lead to a conversation about how I should eat more and gain a few pounds, I chose the lesser of the two evils and reached for my box of cereal that was on the bar. She opened the refrigerator and pulled the milk out, and I ate as slowly as I could, hoping she was getting too tired to discuss anything with me.
“Your gown and dress are hanging in your bathroom,” she said as she pulled a bottle of water out of the fridge.
I nodded and continued to eat my cereal in silence.
“Come, Charlie, we need you,” the whispers begged.
“Everything else of yours is packed and in your sister’s trunk,” my mother said just before she casually took a drink of her water.
I almost choked on my milk. Once I coughed myself through that, I looked at her like she was crazy. “Kara’s here? What?! Why are my bags in her car?” I whispered harshly.
“Noooo,” the whispers hissed.
Their disapproval brought a smile to the corners of my lips. Sometimes doing the opposite of what they say makes them silent, and not having any idea where my phone was – I needed silence if I was going to stay sane.
I loved my sister, don’t get me wrong; I just knew that Kara’s house was hours away. She lived outside of Salem in the house I was born in. It was paid for with some of my father’s royalties. Kara and her husband Robert lived there now – well, Robert was always gone; he’s a journalist covering some war somewhere – I forget where. Once we moved to the city, mom convinced them to move in there. She told them the market was all wrong to sell it. Kara and I both knew she just wasn’t ready to let it go; it reminded her of my dad, and it was the first real house she ever had. Kara didn’t mind. She was a writer and enjoyed the solitude.
“Where did you think you were going to spend the summer?” she asked bleakly.
I stared blankly at her, knowing if I had the audacity to say “Cancun”, I would pay the price – so I didn’t say anything.
She sighed and looked down. “You knew Kara wasn’t going to miss your graduation.”
“Um…yeah…I guess, but why are my clothes in Kara’s trunk?” I asked, halfway smiling as I heard the whispers begin to quiet themselves.
She looked up at me, then hesitated as she searched for words.“This city is not good for you,” she said, looking down quickly as she stood up straight. “I thought you’d be fine…but I guess I was wrong…I don’t even know you anymore….you’ve forgotten who you are - right when you need to remember. I don’t understand what Bianca and Britain have done to you, but we have to end this.”
“I’m fine, mom. I’m not going with Kara; I need to be here.”
I held my breath and prepared to fight with her. I had a fear of going home – it wasn’t that it was bad there – I loved Salem…I just felt like right now it needed to be a secret. I didn’t want what I’d forgotten to be led there. I would rather know I had a place to run to if things got as bad as I could feel them getting.
“This is last place you need to be – you need to get away from those people. I thought about skipping your graduation…but I didn’t raise you to be a coward and run – we’re leaving the moment you walk that line.”
“Mom – seriously – you don’t understand...I can’t right now – I’m not done.”
“Done with what?” she asked shortly as she crossed her arms.
I bit my bottom lip as l let my spoon fall into my bowl. I didn’t know how to answer her. I didn’t understand what I was trying to say to her…I couldn’t remember…I just knew that this sick feeling…my stomach tying itself it knots was a warning, and I had to stay here.
“I don’t know right now…I can’t take this back to Salem with me,” I answered finally.
“You are going to have to give me a better reason than that to let you stay here – you’re playing a dangerous game, Charlie… and you don’t need to play it alone.”
“If you don’t want me to be alone, then ask Madison to come here for the summer – that’s a compromise.”
My mother’s face flushed, and she turned white as a ghost. “Madison? Is that the only person you want me to ask to come here?”
I looked at her like she was crazy. “You can ask Kara to stay, too, if you want – she wouldn’t notice where s
he is; all she cares about is having time to write.”
My mother took in a shaky breath, then turned to put her water back in the fridge. As she closed the door, she looked back at me. “You’re going to them. I don’t know what Britain did to you, but I want you home where I know you’re safe.”
“He didn’t do anything to me, mom – he’s not the problem...I can feel that. I have to protect him.”
“From?” my mother asked, encouraging me to find the answer to my random thoughts.
“I don’t know… something, though.”
“He thinks you’re a couple – is that true? Are you hiding something from me, Charlie?”
“We’re just friends – nothing else.”
She slowly moved her head from side to side as her eyes stared vacantly at me. “I don’t know, sleeping beauty – he has a different perspective, and that’s dangerous, very dangerous.”
“Your read my texts?! That’s uncalled for!”
“How is it uncalled for? I read a text on a phone that I paid for, in an apartment that I paid for.”
“Right,” I said, rolling my eyes and refusing to let her pull me into this argument.
“The texts today have been entertaining, to say the least,” she said in a concerned tone.
“Let me guess: I’m grounded from my phone.”
“I haven’t decided yet,” she said, raising her eyebrows the way she always does when she contemplates her next move.
“I need it, mom,” I said in a more approachable tone.
She walked slowly to the bar where I was sitting and leaned forward, holding my stare. “You don’t need the music, Charlie; all you need is this,” she said, pointing to my temple.
“Mom, please don’t make me explain why I need it – not now – I’m tired.”
She tilted her head. “I need to know that if you were put in a position where you did not have your music, you would be fine – this is the first step to making you stronger – to bringing my Charlie back.”
“It’s not a step, mom – it’s a leap – it’s unfair. You hate music, so you want me to – if you only knew what I did.”
“I know what you know and so much more – you’re not going to spend the rest of your life with headphones in your ears.”
I held in a breath, trying to block the rant that wanted to escape. I knew whatever life she had imagined me having was nothing close to what I would want. I would rather fight the whispers and shadows than continue to fight with her.
“Mom, we’re both tired – I don’t want to fight with you. Just let me stay here…at least until I feel better.”
“Charlie…I think you are really confused right now…and I don’t know how to help you…you need to go home.”
For a second, it looked like she was holding back tears,but she was too strong to cry. I knew I must have really hurt her by doing this to myself – having that party - and that made me feel horrible.
I started to say I was sorry, but she held her hand up to stop me. “I want you to play for me…I want to hear you play.”
I felt the air leave my lungs. My heart started to race – it was like I had yearned to hear her say those words, but that didn’t make any sense to me. “I-I-I don’t know how.”
Her body tensed, and fear consumed her expression. “Well….,” she said, looking down, “maybe it’s time for a fresh lesson.”
My mouth dropped open – was she telling me to play music? She hated music – she hated sound – what had triggered this desire? Fresh lesson? I’d never played – I’d never done anything like that.
All at once, flashes of memories of me playing a guitar came to me. I couldn’t breathe – what did those drugs do to me? Was I going insane? I swallowed and looked up at mom with pleading eyes. I wanted to tell her everything - about the whispers, the shadows, these fears for Britain I had - but I couldn’t find the words; all I could do was try and hold on to the these vague memories of me holding the one instrument that I absolutely adored.
An odd calm seemed to come over the room, and the sinister whispers fell completely silent. I furrowed my eyebrows as I tried to understand how the mood around us could change so quickly – what was causing the silence.
My mother’s eyes seemed to sparkle as she raised her head and looked at the thin air before her. “You can play for me in your father’s studio,” my mother said, smiling slightly.
My eyes raced all over her expression, then to the blank space in front of her. It was like she was not even there anymore; she was somewhere else. I watched whatever fear she had for me wash away from her expression. She let out a deep breath, then walked toward her desk.
I followed her in a stunned trance, trying to understand why she thought I could play – why I had those memories…they were so distant…so distant that I didn’t think it was possible for them to be real.
“Mom, I don’t want to go with Kara. Summer is all we have before…,” I stopped, not wanting to bring up the fact that I was leaving as soon as I turned eighteen – that it felt like I’d plotted that day for years, and it was a big part of the wedge that seemed to be between us.
She sighed and tilted her head.“If I remember correctly… two days ago, you were planning on spending the summer away from me.” She closed her laptop down, then reached to turn her lamp off - but she hesitated as she glanced at me. She left it on, then walked past me to her room.
I wasn’t brave enough to follow her. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. I thought about waking up Kara. I assumed she was in the guest room, but I didn’t want to sound insane. I walked slowly back to my room, ignoring the shadows as they reached out from the dark corners of the hallway.
I crawled back into my bed. The moment I noticed the whispers were still silent, they slowly began to show themselves again. I started to hum to myself as I imagined playing – I imagined how powerful it would feel - to create the only weapon I had against the darkness: music. I fell into a vacant dream, thinking tomorrow everything would be clearer.
It felt like only a second before I felt the weight of a body leaning across me. Startled, my eyes flew open to find my sister, Kara, leaning across me. Her bright blue eyes were sparkling, and her long blonde hair was tied to the side. She looked just like my mom, only younger. Some people have a hard time believing I belong to this family at all, simply because I’m so short and my hair and eyes are jet black. I looked like my dad – well, except for the short part. I think the only reason I’m small is because I was premature, but who knows how genes work anyway?
“Today is your big day, Charlie bug,” Kara said, grinning widely.
“Charlie, we need you…come, Charlie,” the whispers taunted.
I shook my head, ignoring them.“I hear I’m in your custody,” I said, wiping the sleep out of my eyes.
Her eyes grew concerned as she looked over me.“You want to come home, Charlie.” she said quietly.
“I can’t go, Kara…help me talk mom out of this.”
Kara’s eyes filled with concern as they danced across my face. “Charlie…you need to be home now. I’m taking mom’s side on this.”
“This is the one time I need you to take mine…I’m scared, and I don’t even know why – going home is a bad idea. I have to fight my demons where I find them.”
“What demons are we talking about, Charlie?” Kara asked as she leaned back.
I pulled myself up and stared blankly in the distance. “I don’t know…just fears…isn’t that what demons are?”
“You would know,” she said under her breath as she stood and started to pace beside my bed. “I don’t know why you’re trying to fight this fear on your own…this is the one time you should be reaching for the one who makes you so unique.”
I furrowed my eyebrows as I listened to her – who was she talking about – my father? How could I reach for him? I started to ask her what she was talking about, but then I remembered my mother telling me she wanted me to play for her. My heart started
to race as I heard her words in my memory again. I assumed Kara wanted me to come home so I could teach myself to play. She knew I depended on music to make me feel safe…as far as I could remember, I never told her why I needed the music…about the whispers, but there was no doubt she knew I hid behind the gift my father carried in his life.
“Mom asked me to play for her…how crazy is that?” I mumbled as I let my legs fall to the side of the bed.
Kara sat down next to me, and I could see relief starting to come over her. “How did that make you feel…to hear her say that?”
I slowly moved my head from side to side as I felt the emotion again. “Strange…like I yearned for those words…but that doesn’t make any sense…I’ve never played.”
Kara took in a deep breath, and the relief I saw before vanished. “I’m really worried about you, Charlie – everyone is – but I’ve been assured that letting you find your way back to the Charlie you were before those drugs – or whatever happened to you - is the only way you’ll get better.”
“I’m fine…just a little foggy,” I said quietly as I looked down.
“I think I could find a stronger word than that.”
“You’re a writer – I’m sure you could,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“Fair,” Kara said as she twirled her wedding ring on her finger. “I just think you need to listen to yourself right now, to the emotions you’re feeling. I think that will be the fastest way to make you better.”
“I agree – and the emotions are telling me to stay here. I can’t explain how strong those emotions are to you right now.”