“Kennan,” I started hesitantly, “I’m sorry it took me so long to come around. It had to of been hard living all of those years with no end in sight. So, yeah, that and I’m really sorry for trying to stick my nose where it didn’t belong."
Kennan stood up, yanking me with him and pulled me into his arms. His embrace was a balm to my raw emotions. I hadn’t realized how frayed I was starting to feel. But I supposed with the emotional rollercoaster I’d been on the past few days, it should’ve been obvious. I sighed as I let his warmth envelope me. I was suddenly struck by how right it felt to be there in his arms, as if that were the safest place in the world. His heart beat a soothing rhythm in my ear. He held me like that for a minute before releasing me and looking down into my face.
“I would’ve waited another thousand years to find you. It is more of an honor than you know to protect you. An honor and a pain of course. We both know you aren’t going to make this easy on me," he said with a smile that finally reached his eyes.
Then he let me go with instructions to relax and read something or watch a movie while he worked. He set about picking the place up before he went in the kitchen and fixed us some lunch. The rest of the afternoon passed that way. I read and relaxed for the first time since this whole thing began, and Kennan moved around the cabin getting things ready.
*********
FIFTEEN
After dinner, there was a knock on the door. Before either of us could get it, in burst what could only be described as the strangest sight I’d ever seen, in walked Ian. He met my eyes, and a giant smile engulfed his gorgeous face. I was starting to think that all Guardians were blessed with mega hotness. His good looks aside, his overall appearance was a bit hard to swallow. He was just as tall as Kennan, but where Kennan dressed in reserved clothing that could be considered sporty, Ian was dressed in some of the loudest clothes I’d ever seen. He was wearing plaid pants that were probably better suited to a golf course, a loud yellow shirt printed paisley, and his hair was bleached at the ends and sticking up in spikes all over his head. I was sure my jaw was on the floor. His eyes sparked with a sort of humor I’d caught in Kennan’s a thousand times before. Something told me that this man was more of a trickster than Kennan could ever be.
“Well, hello there Lass. You must be the adorable Izzy I’ve heard so much about," he said with a bare hint of brogue lacing his accent.
“Um, yeah, I’m Izzy," I said, after finally regaining my composure.
“Well, then let’s get right down to the serious stuff and get that out of the way shall we?" He moved into the cabin and embraced Kennan before moving to sit next to me on the couch. “Alright, this is gonna suck, and I hate doing the whole serious doom and gloom, so I’m just gonna come out and say it so we can move on to jollier topics. Yeah?”
I nodded trying not to stare at the strange man sitting next to me. He had apparently never heard of the concept of personal space. Just as the thought danced through my mind he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close. He looked as serious as I thought him capable before continuing with what he needed to say. Dread filled my stomach. Something told me it took a lot to make Ian serious about anything.
“Well, you see, we had a problem in Chicago. Mike is missing. We think that the Corporation got to him. We aren’t really sure how they knew he worked for us, but there you have it. He’s gone, we have found no trace of him. Hey, do you guys have any food left? I’m famished," he said, hopping up from the couch, rubbing his hands together.
I choked back the sob that threatened to escape as tears started to slide down my cheeks. Mike was gone. He was like a second father to me and now he was gone because of me. It was like I was some sort of toxic element that destroyed everyone around me. Kennan was kneeling before me, wiping my tears away as he scowled at Ian. A look that was probably quite common between the two men.
“What? What did I do?" Ian asked dumfounded.
I tried to pull myself out of my grief and looked up into Kennan’s eyes. I nodded once, trying to convey that I was okay. I was heartbroken, but it was not an unfamiliar feeling. If I were being honest, this was something I’d been dreading since we left Chicago. In my heart, I knew that something would probably happen to Mike. I just hoped that he was in hiding and not taken by the Corporation. Or as I was starting to think of them, Evil Bastards Inc.
“Is there any other news Ian? Or is that all you had to pass along?" Kennan asked with a hint of censure in his voice.
“Nope, that was it. But the Council asked me to stay for a few days and help train little bit here," he said with amusement in his eyes. “She really is a tiny thing isn’t she?" He asked.
“She is right here, bonehead," I said, annoyed.
“You have to admit, you’re quite a tiny little thing. Ferocious, but tiny," he said like I was some sort of purse dog.
“Ugggghhhh!" I growled, irritated. “I am not tiny. You people are just giants. I’m a perfectly average height with normal people, I will have you know." I stomped my foot as I stood trying to look him in the eye. I stood on my tiptoes and only came eye to chin with him.
Well, that showed him.
“It’s alright there, Little One. We all know how big and bad you are," he said with amusement in his eyes.
“Dude, I wouldn’t start with her. She has a temper that can shake a house down. That, and she figured out how to memory sift today. If you aren’t careful she’ll reveal all of your darkest secrets to the world," Kennan said with a snicker. I decided to play along and raised an eyebrow at Ian.
He put his hands up in placation. “Whoa, we’re all friends here. Or we could be," he said with a wink in my direction.
I rolled my eyes, but wondered what his darkest secret might be. I wondered if he secretly had a collection of unicorn figurines. Ooooh, or maybe it was a Hello Kitty collection. I started snickering as the two men looked at me.
“Sorry, I’m good. Just, maybe you could work on your bad news delivery, Ian? Because let me tell you, your current methods leave something to be desired," I said before moving back to the couch.
I slumped down as Ian sat in my bubble again, once more wrapping his arm around my shoulder. I looked to Kennan for some help, but he just shook his head at Ian and moved toward the kitchen to find his friend some food.
“So, what’s say you and me get acquainted?" Ian said while moving his eyebrows up and down.
“Um, I think I’ll pass," I said, rolling my eyes at him. I picked up my book to begin reading once more.
“What?" he asked sniffing under his arms. “I don’t smell bad. What’s the problem? I just want to be your friend," he added, with a put on flourish of sad puppy eyes.
“I have a friend, I think," I said, looking toward Kennan. He had a look of trepidation on his face, as though he were restraining himself from bashing his friend’s skull in.
Ian just sat there, cool as a cucumber trying to read over my shoulder.
“Do you mind? You are a little too close," I said, trying to scoot away only to be trapped under his arm just as quickly.
“Nope, not at all. I’ve read this one. Want to know how it ends?" he asked, smiling down at me.
It was hard to stay annoyed at someone that was just so insane. I thought Kennan was bad, but this guy was a total whacko.
“No, I don’t want to know how it ends. Not until I get there. I like to read the whole story, thank you very much," I said, turning my book away from his prying eyes.
“Dude, your food is done. Why don’t you come over here and give her a break. You kind of dropped a huge emotional bomb on her a few minutes ago. So, I don’t know, maybe give her some time before trying to lay down the charm?" Kennan asked, more brusquely than I thought necessary.
“Easy killer, me and the little one here were just becoming friends. Isn’t that right, Izzy?" Coming from anyone else I would’ve thought the statement creepy, but from Ian it just sounded honest.
“Yep, we are besties now
! Maybe later I can paint your nails and you can braid my hair?" I asked sarcastically, only noticing too late that his fingernails were in fact already painted a bright blue.
His eyes lit up. I shook my head in response. “Sorry big guy, I don’t paint my nails," I said, wiggling my naked nails in his face.
“You’re as much fun as Kennan." Disappointed, Ian moved toward the kitchen and the promise of food, leaving me to return to my book.
The rest of the evening passed with ease. The banter between Kennan and Ian was a welcome relief from the seriousness pressing against me. I watched as the two men exchanged stories about fellow Guardians, making sure to fill me in on any back story I might be missing. The two men enveloped me in their world as if I belonged there and for once I felt like I’d found my place. I listened to their laughter and drifted off into a calm sleep. Sometime later I felt myself lifted from the couch and moved into my room.
Kennan brushed his lips against my forehead before whispering something I couldn’t understand. As he shut the door I heard Ian ask him, “How the hell are you going to handle this man? What would her father think?"
“Don’t think I don’t know man. It’s wrong on so many levels, but it’s something better left alone. You got me?”
That was all I heard before being pulled into a fitful sleep.
**********
I dreamt of rolling green hills. I found myself standing on the precipice of a cliff staring down into a raging ocean. The waves beat ruthlessly against the cliffs and I wondered what it must be like to try and swim against such a force. The sound of my name being called pulled me from my reverie.
“Mom?" I asked, wondering if this was just a dream or if she were really there.
“Baby, I won’t be back again. I want you to know how much I love you. But it is my time. I feel myself fading. I just couldn’t leave without telling you goodbye.”
My feet carried me towards her before I could even make sense of what she was saying. Violently, I threw myself into her frail arms.
“Please don’t leave me!" I pleaded with her, burying my face in her boney shoulder. “I can come and get you. Just wait a little longer. Please mom. Please don’t leave me again, not when I just found you.”
“Oh my sweet, sweet girl. It is my time. I’m not scared, I’m relieved. I can finally be with your father once more. And what is left of me is not worth saving, Little One. You have so much more ahead of you. I am but a shell of what I once was." She lifted my face to look me in the eyes. Her tears mirrored my own. “You be brave, you understand me? You are stronger than you will ever know. I’ll love you for always, my sweet girl.”
Slowly, she pulled away from me. Just like that, she was gone only to be replaced by the rolling fog.
I yelled out for her, sobs racking my body. I tried to find her in the fog but only got lost myself. Falling to my knees, I yelled out, “Mom, please don’t leave me. I’m all alone. You’re all I have," I begged with all of my heart, screaming as loudly as I could.
**********
I was jolted to the present by Kennan shaking my shoulders. Tears coursed down my face as I pulled myself into him and sobbed. She was gone. I was too late.
I heard Kennan whisper something in my ears and I felt the connection sever. He’d put the whammy on me again. But I didn’t fight it. I couldn’t handle another vision or anything at the moment. My body wrung out by the sobs that had wracked it moments before, I was left empty and alone. I heard him whisper something more before the darkness enveloped me and I fell into a dreamless sleep.
When I finally woke the next morning the truth of the previous night rushed in. I felt strangled by the loss. I sat there for a moment letting my loss morph and change until all that was left was anger. I let it encompass me, finding solace in a way my grief would not allow. I sought it out and brought it in. I let the grief go and resolved myself to stop the people that had stolen everything I cared for. I wouldn’t allow myself to wallow any longer. It was time I grew up, and fast.
I walked out into the living room, after putting on some clothes and my favorite sweater. Both Kennan and Ian were up and talking in hushed tones. They looked at me expectantly, as if I were about to burst into tears at any moment. By all rights, I should’ve, but the pain had numbed me. There were only so many times a heart could be broken. I looked at both of them and something in my expression must have translated my resolve.
“It’s time I stop hiding and start doing something. My feet feel better today, so I suggest we head out and get me acquainted with the rest of the escape routes. So you gentlemen should probably pack up. We’re leaving right after breakfast." With that I turned and headed for the kitchen, only to have Kennan and Ian rush to stand in front of me.
Kennan lifted his hand as if to brush the hair from my face. I looked up into his eyes, “Don’t. I’m fine."
He dropped his hand, unsure of what to do.
Ian, dressed in an equally ridiculous outfit as the day before, clapped his hands together and said, “Sweet, hiking. I love hiking." He winked at me and I was suddenly grateful to have him there.
Kennan stepped aside and let me move into the kitchen to fix myself some breakfast. I didn’t bother trying to feed Kennan and Ian. I’m not sure I would have even known how much to cook for the two of them. Instead, I grabbed some yogurt and a banana. As soon as I was finished, I headed into my room to pack the supplies I might need for the day and checked the map. I decided to try a shorter route than the last time. I feared my feet might not make it through another twenty mile hike.
By the time I made it back out into the living room, Kennan and Ian were both ready to go. Kennan looked like his sexy Brawny Man self and Ian looked like he’d just left Woodstock. I headed out the door, telling them which trek I had chosen for the day.
We spent the day walking through the woods, never talking about anything of any importance. My anger had subsided into a dull burning that kept my grief at bay. I embraced the numbness, allowing myself to revel in its freedom. Seemingly as quickly as the hike had begun, it was finished. We exited the woods onto an old dirt road where a beat up SUV stood waiting. I turned toward Kennan, holding out my hand for the keys. He ignored me and got behind the wheel taking us back to the cabin.
By the time we got back it was almost dark and we decided to have a bonfire for dinner. I went into the house and dumped my bag, thankful that my feet didn’t feel destroyed like the last time. I headed into the kitchen and gathered up all of the stuff we might need for the hotdogs and s’mores, then went out to find the guys.
“Do you think that is enough to feed us?" Ian asked, smiling down at me. His rainbow tie-dyed bandana made it difficult to take anything he said seriously.
I looked down at the two packs of hotdogs in my hands and back up to Ian.
“Well, it ought to be. Just because you live practically forever doesn’t mean you should overeat," I said as I set everything down. Suddenly I was lifted in the air and tossed over Ian’s shoulder as he ran me around, promising to drop me on my head if I didn’t apologize. Finally I relented.
“Fine,” I said between giggles. “I give, just put me down you brute. How many more hotdogs do you think you need?”
He looked at Kennan and back at me and they simultaneously said, “Grab another pack."
I headed back into the cabin to grab some more hotdogs. On the way out, I overheard them talking about me so I paused. Maybe eavesdropping was bad, but they shouldn’t have been talking about me when I wasn’t there. I listened in as Ian began to speak.
“How is she doing, Kennan? Seriously. I came up here because her mom told the Council she would be gone soon. Her mom was really worried about what is ahead for her. What happened last night, man?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t ever seen her like this. She is usually like sunshine, bright and cheery. Something has shifted in her though. Her mom said goodbye to her last night. So that means she’s gone. I don’t know, man. It seems
like in place of her sun there is anger now. I just hope she doesn’t let it consume her," Kennan said with a sigh before turning in my direction. “We know you’re there nosey, so you might as well come out.”
So busted. I’d forgotten about the tracking thing he could do. So, I sucked it up and went out to face my accusers.
“What? I was just minding my own business and bringing out more food when I heard y’all talking about me. Of course I want to know what is being said. I mean, don’t act like y’all wouldn’t do the same," I said, trying to add a little bluster and just sounding guilty instead.
“Riiiiiigggghhht," Ian said, not buying what I was selling.
“Fine, okay, I got busted. But seriously, I’m fine guys. I’m mad as hell and ready to kick some evil arse, but I’m fine. Losing her sucks, but you need to remember I didn’t even know she was still alive until like a week ago. I had already dealt with the whole dead mom thing. Quite honestly, a person’s heart can only fracture so many times before it is completely broken. So I don’t have much left to give in the grief department. Instead, I can move forward and work on my future. If I cave now then I will never get back up. So, just stop giving me looks like I’m breakable. The both of you," I said with some force, before putting the hotdogs in the pile.
“Easy there, Red. Remember, I’m supposed to be taking care of you," Kennan said before walking up to me and throwing his arm over my shoulder. “I know you’re made of strong stuff. I just don’t want you to be consumed by the anger.”
I looked up at him and realized he was right. While the anger felt good and it had allowed me to pull myself out of the grief just that morning, I couldn’t allow it to drag me under. It would be just as destructive as my grief if I allowed it to be. Like my mom always said, it was all about choices. I could choose to focus on the loss or I could focus on the memories left behind by both of my parents. I chose the memories, but I allowed some of the anger to linger. I was more than a little pissed off at the people that had taken them from me. That wasn’t going to go away anytime soon.