“Dagney?” he asked. She nodded. He pulled a business card out of his shirt pocket and handed it to her. “I'm Deputy Marco. Um, dispatch couldn't stop laughing long enough to tell me what's going on.”
“Probably best I just showed you, then,” she said.
She walked him past hazmat in their yellow suits.
“Um, do we need to be taking extra precautions?” he asked.
“Not much in the way of fumes,” she said, “so unless you're planning on rolling around in the spills, or helping with the cleanup, you're good.”
Hazmat had already turned the lights all the way up, so the deputy could immediately see the doll laid out on the floor.
“Is that what I think it is?” he asked.
“If you think it's a vegetable sex toy, then yes.”
“And just so I'm 100% crystal, because I'm sure there are going to be questions at the office, that's not an unconscious person, it's literally vegetables, as opposed to animals or minerals?”
“Veggies, of the major food group variety,” she said.
“Is that a crime? I’ve got a pretty good handle on the penal code-”
“Handling the penal code…” she snickered.
“Given the circumstance, I probably could have phrased that better. But so far as I know what happened between a person and their cucumbers in the privacy of their own, uh, barn…”
“Not a crime as far as I'm aware. And, you know, normally, I wouldn't have called at all, but he kind of attacked me. Ran at me, actually. Which I might normally shrug off, but he's pretty out of his gourd, right now.”
“Nice.”
“Probably from exposure to the chemicals he's storing, which might be ironic, since I'm here investigating those chemicals maybe getting into other people's drinking water. But I figured we could use your help, cause in this state he's kind of likely to hurt himself or maybe some of the responders.”
“Serve and protect, right there on the back of my squad car,” he said with a smile. “So where's my perp?”
“Just outside.”
She walked him back to where Merek was sitting. “See, I'd noticed the chubby naked man on my way in, but you were playing it up mysteriously, and I thought there'd be some grand reveal as to the importance of this character. Something grander than just telling me, 'Oh, he's outside.'”
She grinned, and shrugged. “I had fanfare planned, a musical number, fireworks. But then we went over-budget, and the union started complaining about working conditions, and I figured maybe this time less was more.”
Marco hunched over to talk to Merek. “The lady tells me you tried to hurt her. That true?” he asked.
“She's my property!” Merek said loudly.
“I assume you don't mean the woman standing next to me, but the tart in the red lingerie.”
“She's a lady!” he yelled.
“Guy only seems to have the one volume, and a moist volume at that,” Marco said with a grin. He stood back up and turned his attention to Dagney. “I assume you're filing a report with your home office. Can I get a copy?”
“Sure.”
“That'll probably suffice for a statement. If I need anything else, I can always get in touch. Lean forward,” he said to Merek, inspecting Dag's cuffs. “Good, you've got the double-sided locks. Makes my job easier.” He slid his own cuffs onto Merek's wrists, just below Dagney's. She handed him her cuff key, and he unlocked hers. He gave her back her key and cuffs.
He put a hand under Merek's arm and pulled him up to his feet. “Come on, big guy. Now you're under arrest. You shouldn't say anything incriminating. You also shouldn't try to get any of your green ooze on me- because that probably counts as assaulting an officer- and my report’s already weird enough as it is.”
“I love her,” Merek bellowed.
“Right,” Marco said, “no chitchat.”
“Aren't you going to,” Dagney gestured to the underpants stuck to his left ankle, “you know, give the man back his dignity?”
Marco sighed, and retrieved a pair of latex gloves from his belt and slipped them on. Then he kneeled next to Merek. He winced as he stretched the boxers wide, to give Marek a hole. “Step through,” he said, and started to thread Merek's legs into his underpants, “and you better think unsexy thoughts, sailor.” Marco got the underpants up around Merek's haunches, and pulled his fingers free quickly enough that the elastic snapped. “Sorry.”
He walked Merek towards his squad car. He squinted. “Crap.” He let go of Merek. “You stay here a second,” Marco said, and walked back around to his trunk.
“He kicks,” Dagney warned.
“And no kicking,” Marco said, pointing his finger at Merek to drive home the point. He retrieved a plastic sheet from the trunk and laid it across his back seat. “There. Now slide in, and try not to get your juices on anything.” While Merek wobbled inside the car, Marco asked, “You wouldn't think I'd need to ask people not to spread their juices around in my car, would you? But even asking politely doesn't stop some people.”
“I'm sorry,” Merek blubbered. “Please don't take her away from me. I'll, I'll clean up my chemicals, and fix the drainage, and whatever the EPA lady wants, just please, please don't make me be alone anymore.” The rest of his pleading was lost as Merek started to bawl.
Marco winced at the thought of even asking it on the deranged man's behalf, but took one more look at the sobbing man, pressing his eye juices against his window, and knew he had to. “Is there anything in that… thing we might need for evidence?”
Most of her instincts told Dagney they should burn it- the plants would be better off as ash than as Merek's slutted up screwcrow, but something in his quivering face made her relent. “I can’t think of a reason, no. Besides, I like you too much to ask you to scoop it up and put it in little evidence baggies.”
Merek’s eyes welled up with joyful tears that spilled over his face, and cascaded down the windows in green waterfalls. “So many juices,” Marco muttered.
“Thank you,” Merek said.
Dagney bent down to look him in the face. “I’m pretty sure that’s the organophosphates talking, and that once you’ve got your brain unfried, you’re going to go back to eating your vegetables in a nonsexual way.” Merek blinked at her, and she worried she may have talked him out of getting treatment, as she turned towards her car.
“I’ll send you a copy of my report, Deputy…” she stared down at the card he'd given her.
“Just call me Marco, and pretend the long string of consonants after that doesn't exist. And I'll look forward to it.” He smiled.
She blushed, and then Annie walked past, winking at her through her hazmat helmet and Dagney felt self-conscious. She slunk to her car and started it up. Marco watched as she pulled off Merek’s property and pointed her car back towards town.
When Dagney got on the main road, she called Sharpe. “Dagney?” he asked. “I was about to call you. Lab results came back from the McLoughlin drinking fountains; it was crypto, so Merek’s off the hook. But you square things there?”
“Yeah. He had a pile of violations, and things went a little sideways. I had to bring in the sheriff- a deputy, anyway; Merek tried to jab me with his green thumb. I’m pretty sure my clothes are soaked in poisons and I’d like to go throw them in the wash. You mind if I email my preliminary report from home?”
“Sounds fine,” he said. “But what were you saying about his green thumb?”
“He was covered in pesticides and plant juices- dyed green. And he had a rage-on,” she winced, “an anger erection. He charged at me with it, like the unholy offspring of a rhinoceros and the Jolly Green Giant.”
“Oh,” he said flatly. “And where was your partner during all of this?”
“He got called away en route, farmer had some livestock acting funny; at the time the inspection seemed pretty routine, so I told him I’d handle it. And from what he told me it ended up being a calf with some indigestion- probably not e
ven worth writing up.”
Sharpe paused, as if measuring how much of it he was going to believe. “Hmm. Well, good work, anyway.”
“Thanks. Bye,” Dagney said, then hung up, and dropped the phone into her passenger seat. It bounced once, then landed on the floor.
The baby cooed at her, and wiggled out from under the folder. For the first time since she’d plopped the child down in her car she looked at it, peering at her from behind her gearshift, and asked “What the hell are we going to do with you?”
Continued in the novel Dag.
Table of Contents
The Gambit: The Dread Wolf’s Bane: Knight, a magical detective, intervenes when a young werewolf unable to remember who or what he is, is detained in juvenile hall on the night of a full moon.
Canary: Miners struggle to maintain calm after a cave in.
Lost In Space: A man prepares to meet his lover in orbit.
Frankenstein Modern: A scientist attempts to give a new body to a terminally ill man.
E-bort: A woman takes control of her future after she is raped.
Undisciplined: A squad rescues a fellow soldier awaiting trial for his crimes, against their personal feelings.
Ancestral Memory: Two buddies ponder the possibility of life as data storage, and the meaning of life.
First Goodbye: A man searches for a woman he can't leave.
Life Imprisonment: A homeless man looks for a way to get a comfortable home.
Crickets: Four crickets cower from a spider.
Hickbots: A man works alongside robots in the fields.
I'm Sorry I Got Caught In Your House: A very