The woman looked surprised. “A piano lesson? You must have the wrong address, sweetheart. No one teaches piano here, as far as I know.”
Sara felt like she could fly. She smiled. “That’s okay. I apologize for the misunderstanding.” She was just about to turn around when a voice from inside the house shouted, “It’s okay. Let her in, Anna.”
“Well then! Come on in,” Anna said with a welcoming hand gesture.
Sara walked into a grand entrance with an elegant curved staircase. Anna took Sara’s jacket and showed her into the living room, where there was a grand piano. The first thing that hit Sara: the big, panoramic windows looked out over a spectacular view of majestic mountains dusted with snow in front of a clear sky.
“Would you like something to drink?” Anna asked.
Sara didn’t want to be any trouble and courteously answered, “No, thank you. I’m fine,” even though her throat felt dry.
“Okay, dear, you just take a seat by the piano.” Anna pointed, and Sara politely walked over and sat down. She listened to Anna talking to someone in another room.
“I’m sorry, Anna, I should have told you. I am just doing a favor for my mom. No big deal. It will only take an hour.”
“Okay. I was going to vacuum in there, but I will just start preparing dinner instead.” Sara realized that Anna was not the owner of the house; she was a housekeeper of sorts. She figured that the people living here needed help with the household because they were too busy earning enough money to pay for the house. She looked down at the piano and felt so stupid. She was not musical, and even hundred hours of piano lessons wouldn’t change that; why had she even made that joke of wanting a piano and world peace. World peace sure, but a piano… not really. As she was gazing out the window, mind rattling from irritation with herself and Amber for putting her in this situation, she was interrupted.
“Hi, I’m Josh,” the voice said. Sara turned her head to face him, and her jaw dropped. It was Joshua. His smile vanished and he stared at her with surprise, and instinctively he took a step back. Sara watched how his chin got hard, and he seemed to use every bit of willpower to stay where he was.
“You,” he exclaimed. “I didn’t know it was you, or I wouldn’t have…”
“Me.” Sara was confused. “What’s wrong with me? Why wouldn’t you have…?”
Joshua looked away, gathering his cool. “I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry.” After what seemed an eternity to Sara, he walked over and sat down on the piano bench without looking at her, making sure to keep a distance between them. Sara was following his every move with her eyes, still in shock that she was actually sitting in Joshua Johnson’s living room. She could hardly breathe as she tried to think of something to say.
“It’s a beautiful piano.” Sara felt her voice sound unnaturally high.
“It has been in my family forever, but I’m the only one who uses it.” He sounded formal. “I will teach you for one hour.” Joshua furrowed his brow at the notes in front of him.
Sara had no doubts he wanted to get it over with, and she just nodded, concentrating on breathing normally again. She hated how he affected her. She didn’t like losing control like this.
* * * * *
Joshua thought about how he had walked in to find Sara in his living room. Everything inside him had fought to keep calm. It had been completely unsuspected, and he was trying to understand how he could have missed that she was the student. His mom had asked him to do her a favor. A new co-worker’s daughter wanted a piano lesson, just one, and she was a sweet young kid. He loved kids and was happy to help out and share his love for music, but he had expected a young child, not Sara.
It was hard to look at her; she was so perfect, so fine with her big, confused brown eyes looking at him. Once again, she had that helpless look on her face, and he felt an urge to protect her. More than anything he wanted to grab her and kiss her, but he knew she was dating someone else. He couldn’t look at her, because if he did, he would lose himself in the details of her face. Her red lips that looked so soft, her sweet nose. Her big brown eyes with those perfectly curved eyebrows. Sitting beside her was challenging, and he forced his mind to focus on the notes. He started playing a tune to distract himself from her perfume. With every fiber of his body, he could feel the closeness of her body to his. He closed his eyes and tried to block her out of his thoughts by focusing on the music.
“You play beautifully,” Sara complimented him with a soft voice.
“Thank you.” His tone sounded much harder than he had intended.
“I could never play as well as you do. You are amazing.” Her voice, full of admiration, made him frown. “It’s nothing, really.” He tried being dismissive.
Sara looked at his fingers on the piano: effortless, graceful. “I wish I were more like you. It must be magical to play an instrument like that. You make it look so easy.”
More like me? Why the hell would you be more like me when you are a freaking gorgeous honor student? Joshua thought and stopped playing. He turned and looked at her with the intensity she had seen from him in the cafeteria. He was so used to girls complimenting him on his musicianship, but her compliment was different, and it reached him in a different way. His whole body felt warm, and he could feel his heart pumping fast in his chest. She made him feel special and significant, and it made him want her even more.
Her lips were right in front of him; it would take him less than a second to lean forward and kiss her. Would she push him away? Would she kiss him back? His lips parted slightly and he took a deep breath as her boyfriend’s face popped into his mind. “I need water.” He murmured and jumped up, trying to create distance between them.
Sara sat for a few minutes and focused only on her breathing. Her heart was racing and she was torn – she wanted this hour to be over quickly so she could escape this painful exposure of her lack of musical talent to the hottest guy in school, and she wanted this hour to never end. Being close to Joshua made her feel more alive than ever but her whole body was shivering with disappointment. For a second, she had thought he was actually going to kiss her, and every cell in her body had wanted him to. Don’t be a fool, Sara, he’s not that into you, he’s just impossibly handsome and talented; all you are is yet another drooling fan, get a grip.
When Joshua returned, he brought water for Sara and she drank it eagerly.
He sat down next to her, closer this time. She closed her eyes for a moment and could feel him next to her. He started playing a simple tune and asked her to pay attention, but all she could think about was the fact that his knee was touching hers. Did he know? Could he feel the same electricity in his body as she felt in hers? He stopped playing and leaned back, which made his upper arm touch hers, and she could feel chills down her spine.
“Your turn, he instructed, and she looked at him, completely lost; there was no way her mind could process the overload of confusing physical desires and notes on a keyboard. As their eyes locked, the expression on her face made Joshua warm up and smile. Boyfriend or no boyfriend, Sara’s body and eyes told him that he was clearly not the only one affected. Just stay focused on the music, he reminded himself. “Just try it,” he encouraged, but Sara had no idea how he had just played that melody. She felt stupid and humiliated.
“Let me help you.” He leaned closer and reached out for her hand but his touch made Sara gasp in surprise and pull back her hand in reflex. She flushed and felt completely shy and exposed, convinced that Joshua could see right through her. She looked at him with her eyes wide open and stood up abruptly. “I have to go,” she exclaimed.
Joshua looked up at her with a ghostly expression of confusion that only lasted a second before he looked angry, with his lips hardened into a straight line and his jaws clenched. Sara saw his hard and distant expression, and a glint of despair flashed in her eyes before she turned around and ran out the door. Joshua was left in front of the piano wondering what had just happened. She was the most confusing
girl he had ever met. One minute she was vulnerable and fragile and told him he was amazing. The next minute his touch made her flee. Was he so unattractive to her? Was she playing with his emotions intentionally, or was she too young and inexperienced to understand the power she had over him?
* * * * *
As Sara walked away from the house, she started to cry. Her emotional system was overwhelmed, and she was so confused about what just happened. The feelings of desire she had for Joshua were so powerful – something she had never experienced with Benjamin. She had never been interested in sex, but suddenly, she felt a desire to tear Joshua’s clothes off and be close to him. Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she thought about the expression he’d had on his face when she stood up. He had pulled away from her.
It was all so confusing. One minute he would make her feel like he just wanted to get their time together over with, the next minute he would be nice and look her deep in her eyes. But then, there were his rejecting comments, like, “I didn’t know it was you or I wouldn’t have…” Never what? Never agreed to give her a piano lesson? Why? What was wrong with her? Why didn’t he want to be with her?
Maybe there was something about her that repulsed people. That could explain why Laura treated her so badly, too. I can never look at him again, never! she repeated internally as she walked home with tears streaming down her face.
CHAPTER 10
Hiding
Sara didn’t want to see anyone. She just wanted to stay in bed and hide.
Going to school seemed impossible, so she convinced her mom that she was sick, and stayed home for a few days. Eventually her mother figured out that she wasn’t really sick and refused to let her stay home anymore. “Whatever it is, honey, you can tell me,” her mom insisted.
Sara wanted to, but she didn’t know how. What would her mom think if she knew that her daughter had barely turned fifteen before feeling like she wanted to tear the clothes off a guitar player and kiss him? And how could she tell her mother this, when her mom knew Ben and adored him?
“So, how was your piano lesson?” Amber asked in school.
Sara replied quickly. “Fine. Thank you for the gift.” Her answer made Amber look at her with curiosity. Something was wrong. Not even Ben could cheer Sara up, and she kept quiet and passive during lunch, too. Her eyes looked sad, as if she had lost someone, and her energy was completely off.
Walking down the corridors, Sara looked like a ghost. She was there psychically, yet she wasn’t. Her body functioned, but her mind was somewhere else. She couldn’t focus in class and didn’t really listen; and in English class, even Laura could not penetrate her sadness with her nasty comments.
“What happened to your face? You look like someone died,” Laura hissed at Sara.
Sara didn’t even react. She just went to sit down. Then she noticed Victoria approaching Laura.
“You know, Laura, what if someone had died? What would that comment make you, then?”
Laura looked around at her friends and turned to Victoria. “It would make me right.” Laura’s sassy reply made everyone laugh.
“True,” Victoria said calmly. “But also extremely insensitive and rude… what happened to you, Laura? When did you become such a bully?”
Laura stared at Victoria, and in her eyes she saw no fear and no judgment; there was only sadness and honesty. Laura looked away, feeling upset. Victoria was right. She had become like her brother, rude and verbally abusive. She didn’t like that part at all, but why would Victoria take Sara’s side? Laura and Victoria used to be such good friends.
Sara felt grateful to Victoria for standing up for her, and she wanted to shoot her a smile, but Victoria didn’t look at her.
After class, she went to see Victoria, who was at her locker.
“Thank you for sticking up for me in class.” She even managed a half smile.
“Thank you, sweetie, but I didn’t!” Victoria sighed while searching for a book in her locker.
“But you did!” Sara insisted.
“It wasn’t about you, Sara – it was about Laura.” Victoria closed her locker and started walking.
Sara followed her. “What do you mean?”
“I was sticking up for Laura.” Victoria sounded calm.
“I don’t understand.” Sara felt confused.
Victoria stopped and looked at Sara with warm eyes. “I like Laura, but I don’t like who she is becoming. I was trying to remind her of who she really is.”
“Oh, I see.” Puzzled, Sara watched Victoria as she walked away.
“Thank you anyway,” she said to Victoria’s back, but Victoria was already gone.
After school, all Sara wanted was to hide in her room. She had survived school without seeing Joshua, and she preferred it that way. She couldn’t face him and his giggling fans.
She was listening to sad music from a movie that she’d never really liked, but the music seemed to suit her mental state. The doorbell rang, and for a while she waited for her mom to open the door. Then she realized her mom wasn’t home. She was taking Sara’s younger twin brothers to soccer practice and wouldn’t be home for an hour or more.
The doorbell rang again, and Sara finally got up to open the door. “I’m coming!” she shouted and opened the door, feeling irritated.
“You forgot your jacket.” Joshua was standing outside her door holding her jacket, which she had completely forgotten about, and he looked amazing. He smiled at her and she stared at him for a moment as if to really understand that it was him.
“Thank you,” Sara stuttered and didn’t know what to do. Was she supposed to ask him inside? She bit her lip hard and cursed internally as she realized that opposite him, she didn’t look amazing; she looked pale and sad, her hair was messy from curling up on her bed, and she was wearing her baggy PJ pants and an old sweater that she always found comforting. This was the worst humiliation that could have ever happened to her. She swore that from now on she would never open the door unless she looked stunning.
“Are you okay?” Joshua asked, concerned.
“Yes, I’m great!” Sara lied.
Josh tilted his head and pinched his eyes as if he was trying to see through her. “You missed school the last few days; are you sick?”
“I was sick, but now I’m fine… thank you for bringing by my jacket.” She reached for the jacket in a quick movement, and for a moment longer than expected he didn’t let go, causing her to look up at him, searching for an explanation. He didn’t say anything but just returned her glance with intensity and a wry smile before releasing her jacket. “You left very quickly the other day. Did something happen?” His eyes looked dark as he spoke.
Sara looked at him with confusion. How could he not know what was wrong? Didn’t he see the fire that was burning inside her every time he came near her? She couldn’t tell him that her heart was breaking because she was torn between a pact she’d made with her boyfriend and her desire for him, Mr. Unattainable. She didn’t want to make a bigger fool of herself than she already had, so she shook her head and said, “I’m sorry about that.” Internally, she was feeling like the biggest loser of all time, and she knew she had to close the door now. Otherwise, he’d see her burst into tears, and she couldn’t let that happen.
“Thank you.” She put up her bravest smile, but one that never reached her eyes, and closed the door. One minute later she was crying her eyes out in bed, feeling like the biggest fool in the world.
The next day at school, Sara tried to look her best, but even with a bit of mascara and her nicest clothes, she looked like a ghost of herself. There was no sparkle in her eyes, no humor.
Ben kept asking if they could hang out after school, but she didn’t want to see anyone. She just wanted to be alone. At lunch, she felt Joshua looking at her. She looked back but couldn’t keep eye contact, out of shame. He looked concerned, and she didn’t understand why. Why did he care? Again he was distracted by friends and girls hanging around him.
&n
bsp; * * * * *
Ben and Amber caught up to Sara. “Hey, did you hear about the party at Victoria’s house?” Ben was looking at Sara. He didn’t understand what was going on. Nothing he did worked any more.
“Yes, she invited me, too,” Sara replied, looking down. “But I’m not going.”
“Why not?”
“My parents won’t let me,” she lied.
“Did you ask them?”
“No, not really, but you know them – they never let me go to parties.”
“But you’re older now! It’s different. I bet they would let you go,” Ben kept pushing.
“It’s okay. I don’t want to go anyway,” Sara mumbled.
“I do! I need to have some fun soon. It’s so depressing to be around you.” Amber laughed and Ben smiled, but Sara didn’t. Amber and Ben exchanged looks of concern and changed the subject.
Saturday night, Sara was in her room, listening to music and dwelling on heavy thoughts, when suddenly both Ben and Amber crashed into her room.
“Your mom let us in. We are taking you to the party. Your mom agrees you need to get out of this house, so get ready!” Amber sounded very determined.
At first Sara tried to resist the idea but quickly realized they wouldn’t take no for an answer.
Amber chose some clothes and styled Sara’s hair and makeup, and both Ben and Amber were very pleased with the result. “You look stunning!” Ben complimented her. “Come on, your mom is driving us.”
Sara went along with it and took a quick look in the mirror. She hardly recognized the girl staring back. She looked good despite her sad eyes. Amber had done an impressive job. She had pulled out a tight dress, but Sara had refused to wear it. She was too shy! Her new skinny jeans, the tank top, and her Converse shoes were casual enough for her to feel comfortable in, but with the accessories and the makeup, she looked older and more stylish than ever. I really have to use my jewelry, belts, and scarves more often, Sara concluded.
“Have fun,” her mom said when she dropped them off at Victoria’s party. “Just enjoy yourself, okay?”
Ben put his arms around both girls as they walked into the house. The party was in the basement, and after just two minutes Ben was pulled away by friends and Amber disappeared into the powder room. For a moment Sara felt very alone and fragile.