“Hi, Sara, good to see you.” Victoria came over and Sara could hardly hear her voice through the loud music, but she understood that drinks were upstairs in the kitchen. She headed that way. The party seemed to include many different grades, and suddenly Sara remembered that Victoria had an older sister, so she had probably invited friends, too. She found a glass of punch. It tasted sweet, and she was thirsty, so she drank the whole glass and filled it up again.
“Be careful with that punch, it’s got rum in it.” Elizabeth, Victoria’s sister, was smiling at Sara, who completely panicked. If her parents knew she was drinking alcohol, she would be in serious trouble.
“I’m just messing with you. It’s just soda and fruit.” Elizabeth grinned and Sara smiled back with a sigh of relief. Sara went to find Ben and saw him dancing with Amber. They were jumping up and down and having fun. He met her eyes and made a gesture as if to say, “Come join us,” but she shook her head and headed away from the dance floor.
“Are you not dancing tonight?” A voice close to her ear made her turn, and she was looking directly into Joshua’s big green eyes. His closeness had the same effect on her as it had in his house, and like the last time, it hit her like a hammer, making her forget to breathe.
Joshua took her hand and led her to the dance floor. She shook her head to say no, but he didn’t let go. His eyes penetrated hers and he pulled her closer as the music got slower. In her mind, alarm bells went off. She knew there was something she needed to do, but she was completely hypnotized by his green eyes. It seemed like no one was in the room except the two of them. As they danced, he held her tightly with strong arms, as if he would never let her go. Sara felt completely powerless and just followed his moves like a cobra obeying a snake charmer’s flute. Every fiber was alert, and every touch from Joshua sent electrical impulses through her body. She didn’t register the looks from Ben, and she didn’t notice when he left, looking hurt. She didn’t notice Amber following Ben; she had eyes only for Joshua.
Outside, Benjamin was furious. For months, he had kept his promise to Sara to stay together, even though he felt they had grown apart as a couple. He had watched her get sadder and quieter without knowing why, and now he knew. Sara was in love with Joshua. Who could compete with him, the school celebrity? For weeks, Benjamin had secretly fantasized about Amber, thinking about what it would be like kiss her, to touch her, and he hadn’t acted on any of his desires because of his promise to Sara. How could Sara do this to him? He felt hurt and betrayed. He knew Sara better than anyone, and she had never looked at him the way she was looking at Joshua right now. It was so obvious that she was madly in love with him.
“Are you okay?” Amber was standing behind Ben.
“I’m fine,” he murmured without turning around.
“Are you upset because they are dancing?”
“No, I’m upset because of the way they are dancing,” Benjamin replied harshly.
“Are you and Sara even a couple still?” Amber asked quietly. Her words made him reflect. When was the last time he had felt like an actual boyfriend to Sara? Not since the movie, and even then, she’d seemed more interested in him as a friend.
“I guess not,” he said and turned around, still feeling hurt and betrayed.
“Do you want a hug?” Amber opened her arms with a smile, and he smiled back slightly. As she hugged him, he felt months of suppressed desire for her. Her body was soft and he could feel her breasts against his chest. He instantly got a hard-on, and his reptilian brain took over, making him lean forward to kiss Amber. She looked at him with a surprised expression, and for a moment, Benjamin wasn’t sure what to do, but then he saw Amber smile at him.
Damn, she was pretty, and so inviting, and why would he hold back when Sara didn’t? He kissed her again, and this time Amber kissed him back and opened her mouth a little; he let his tongue find hers and was blown backward by the ecstasy he felt in his body. Sara and Ben had tried French kissing, but she didn’t like it very much. Amber was different; she sighed and kissed him back with desire, putting her arms around him, pulling him close. Part of him felt embarrassed that she would feel his erection, and another part didn’t give a damn. He pushed against her and kissed her deeply. He had so much desire in his body, and she embraced him and made the sweetest sounds when he kissed her.
“I really like you, Ben,” she whispered into his mouth. Her words gave him confidence to move his hands to her breasts. She let him, and he felt ecstatic and horny and ready to take it further, when they heard a sound behind them.
“What are you doing?” Ben turned his head to see Celine staring at them with horror. Before they could even respond, she was gone, and they knew she had gone to find Sara. Benjamin flushed with regret. How could he be such a jerk? This was not the way to do it. He ran into the house and saw Sara’s hurt eyes as she looked from Celine to him. He couldn’t see Josh anywhere, but he knew Sara had heard what happened between him and Amber, and he could see she was shocked. In a fast movement, Ben dragged Sara outside. They needed to talk.
“How could you?” Sara looked at him with contempt.
“I am sorry! I got so mad… when I saw you dancing with Josh.”
“I was just dancing! I didn’t have my tongue stuck down his throat.”
“I know, but the way you looked at him… I know you, Sara, and you have never looked at me that way.” Ben’s voice blaming her was high-pitched. Sara could see tears in Ben’s eyes, and she could feel his pain, but she was consumed with shock and anger. “Well, that’s because… I don’t feel that way about you.” It was the truth, and her anger with Ben made her want to hurt him back; still, the second she said it, she wished she could have taken it back.
“I guess not.” Ben’s face got hard, and his expression told her how hurt he was.
“Are we done now?” he asked, as if he was waiting for a jury to make a conviction.
“We’re done!” Sara held her breath. Parts of her didn’t want to let go of Ben. He was her best friend, but parts of her were so hurt and disappointed that she couldn’t stand to be with him for one more minute. She turned around to leave and saw Amber standing in silence, watching them. “And you, don’t ever come near me again.” Sara’s eyes were like knives when she passed Amber. She wanted to get out of there and get home as fast as possible.
When Sara ran out through the door, she heard a voice behind her.
“Sara, wait up.” It was Victoria. “I know what happened. I am so sorry, Sara.”
Sara had tears streaming down her face, ruining her makeup. “I am so confused.”
“I know… Come here.” Victoria hugged her. “I’ll call a cab for you; you’ll be all right.” Sara was grateful to have Victoria’s support. She had just lost the two most important people in her life, and she couldn’t think. She couldn’t feel, either. Victoria’s hug was all she could process in this moment.
CHAPTER 11
The fight
Dancing with Sara had been magical for Joshua. No girl had ever made him feel the way she did.
He closed his eyes and tried to calm down as he stood in the bathroom, his heart pounding.
He could not escape the fact that she drove him insane. He felt like an animal around her, like a predator controlled by instinct. All he could think of was getting close to her, and all his senses failed him. Intellectually, he knew she was off-limits. She had a boyfriend; she was out of his league and smarter than he would ever be. And yet he was drawn to her in a way that made him feel powerless.
She was so innocent, and she was clearly affected by him. He could see it in her eyes as she danced with him. He had held her close – close enough for her to feel his excitement, and at one point her eyes opened wide, as if she had suddenly realized how she physically affected him. Did she not realize how sexy she was? He had seen surprise and confusion in her eyes, and her innocence had made his body scream for her in a way that was almost painful. He couldn’t breathe. He needed her, and his only
escape was to excuse himself and run to the bathroom to calm down.
He looked in the mirror and shook his head. What is this girl doing to me? After being close to her, he knew one thing for sure. He wanted more. He wanted everything. The thought of her freshman boyfriend made his stomach turn. What does he have that I don’t? Frustrated and scared that he would never be close to her again, he decided to go out and tell her how he felt. “You can do this, Josh,” he said to the mirror and pumped himself up before opening the door. He looked around but she wasn’t to be seen, so he went outside searching.
“Have you seen Sara?” he asked Victoria, who was passing him.
Victoria stopped. “I just sent her home in a taxi.”
“What? No, why?” Joshua exclaimed, confused, and ran his hands through his hair with frustration.
“Because she was heartbroken,” Victoria calmly answered
“Why, what happened?” None of this made sense to Joshua.
“Benjamin cheated on her with Amber.”
“What? When?” Joshua couldn’t believe how fast this had happened. How long was I in the bathroom?
“Just now. They broke up,” Victoria told him in a matter-of-fact kind of way.
There was an explosion of emotions inside Joshua. Sara was single, and that was the best news ever: that meant one less obstacle between him and her. But she was also heartbroken, and he couldn’t help her. More than anything he wanted to hold her and comfort her. Why would anyone cheat on Sara? Her boyfriend had to be a huge moron. He turned around and headed inside to find something to drink. This was too much for him.
In the kitchen, he found Benjamin, turning his head away from Amber, who was trying to talk to him. When Benjamin saw Joshua, he instantly jumped up. “It’s your fault! You stole my girlfriend.”
Joshua looked at him with surprise. “What are you talking about, you idiot? You screwed up. Don’t blame me, man.” Like a rocket, Benjamin was all over Joshua; Amber was screaming in the background, and other people were running to the scene. They fought all around the kitchen. Joshua was bigger than Ben and much stronger, but Ben was blinded by his fury and grabbed whatever he could find to hurt Joshua with.
Suddenly, a loud whistle broke their attention. Between them came Victoria and her sister Elizabeth.
With fierce authority, each sister faced her friend. “We are not going to the hospital tonight. We are having a party,” Elizabeth hissed with a stern look at Joshua, while Victoria nailed Benjamin to the spot with her narrowed eyes. Benjamin looked around and found a lot of people staring at him. “I’m leaving,” he growled, and turned around to go.
“Me too,” Joshua mumbled, and sent Elizabeth an apologetic look.
Amber stood with tears streaming down her face and chin. “Wait! Ben,” she cried and ran after him, but he pulled away and said, “Leave me alone – it was a mistake.”
Amber’s heart stopped and she felt a knife in her stomach as she watched Ben walk away from her.
CHAPTER 12
Amber’s despair
Seventeen days had gone by since the party, and now Amber was lying in her bathtub, thinking of everything that had happened in the past six months. No matter where she looked, she couldn’t see any light. Her parents’ endless fights, their divorce, losing her friends at the old school, how she had kissed Benjamin and how he had called her a mistake right after, and how he had refused to talk to her ever since. Every time she had tried to approach him, he would turn around and leave. She had become a persona non grata at Larva High School. As a newcomer, she didn’t have many friends to begin with, but now she felt like she had none. No one talked to her, no one wanted to sit with her at lunch, and no one cared about her. She was all alone, no matter where she turned.
When Amber’s parents got divorced, she’d thought it was the low point of her life. She didn’t think anything could possibly feel worse than seeing the two people she loved and admired the most become bickering, immature versions of the adults she had always looked up to. It was heartbreaking to see them constantly fight and argue, but even worse to hear the words, “We are getting a divorce.”
Falling in love with Benjamin had not been in her plans, and even though it was painful to keep it a secret, she had been happy to have the chance to hang out with him at lunch. Kissing him at that fateful party had felt far more satisfying than in any of her fantasies, but then everything had gone wrong. Benjamin had called her a mistake; Sara was angry with her, and their friendship was over. Every kid at school seemed to look at her with disgust. They blamed her for Sara’s and Benjamin’s breakup. People spread rumors that she had left Michigan because she had slept with too many guys and ruined too many relationships there.
Amber was horrified that anyone could think so little of her, but they were right about one thing. Everyone around her was breaking up: first her parents, and now her best friends at school. She felt like a horrible person, and going back to school every day since then had felt like going to war: always being on guard for the next attack, not expecting any kindness, simply surviving. The only person who had been civil to her and hadn’t changed was Victoria. They weren’t close, but knew each other from English. One day, Victoria sat with Amber at lunch, even though Amber knew Victoria could sit anywhere she wanted to. Victoria didn’t belong to any specific group, but she was liked by everyone.
“Are you hanging in there?” Victoria asked, looking directly at Amber.
Amber looked down and shrugged her shoulders. They sat for a while without saying anything, and Amber could feel Victoria’s examining eyes on her but found it hard to look back. She was afraid that Victoria’s sympathy would make her cry, and she didn’t want to attract any more attention to herself than she already had.
“You know, my mom always says, if you find yourself stuck in the middle of hell, keep going!” Victoria gave Amber a slight smile. Amber smiled back, but the smile didn’t reach her eyes.
“She sounds like a wise mom.”
“She is,” Victoria nodded.
Amber wished she and Victoria could have spent more time together, but she didn’t want to be Victoria’s sad parasite and was too proud to ask Victoria to hang out. She figured Victoria would only do it out of pity, and Amber didn’t want anyone’s pity. Victoria would smile at her in class and ask how she felt, but Amber always felt like other kids were watching, and she replied with a brief “okay.”
Amber had tried to call Sara to apologize, but even though she left voice messages, she never heard back. She had tried to leave a letter in Sara’s locker to apologize for letting her down. She watched from a distance as Sara read the letter and tore it apart. That day, Amber cried herself to sleep.
Amber had received anonymous messages online that called her nasty, degrading names and told her to be ashamed of what she’d done. People she didn’t even know would leave nasty posts on her Facebook wall, insinuating that she was promiscuous and had slept with everyone at her former school. It wasn’t true, of course, but when she tried to deny it, the online bullying just picked up and grew, and lately it had escalated into physical bullying at school. Girls would walk right into her and pretend it was an accident. Monday, a student she didn’t know knocked her lunch tray out her hands and just said, “Whoops,” while a bunch of kids laughed and pointed. But the worst part had happened today, when Amber had found her locker spray-painted with the word SLUT in red capital letters.
Amber slowly submerged herself under the water to avoid recalling the painful moment when she had first seen the paint. It was too strong a memory, and she could still feel the shock of it. She had been painfully aware of everyone staring at her, whispering, pointing. It had been seventeen days in hell, and no matter how much she wanted to, she could see no light ahead of her.
Amber surfaced from the water and looked down her naked body. She was disgusted with what she saw. She had lost a lot of weight, and her ribs showed. Eating seemed unimportant next to the emotional despair she was in.
Her mom had tried everything. She had prepared every one of Amber’s favorite meals. She had bought her sweets and cookies, even though she didn’t usually want Amber to eat sugar. She had threatened to take away her computer and she had tried to motivate Amber by promising to buy a new phone for her, if only Amber would eat. But Amber didn’t care about her computer; it only brought her pain to see everyone writing about parties and friends, when she felt like the loneliest person in the world. And why would she want a new phone when she had no one to call and no one ever called her?
Amber could feel her mind getting blurred, details fading away. Numbness came over her, and she thought about her mom. She felt bad about leaving her mom and pushed away the thought of her mom finding her naked body in the bathtub. Her letter would explain and hopefully give her mom the answers that she couldn’t explain face-to-face. She looked at the pill bottles by the sink. She hated swallowing pills and always had. Her mom had used Tic-Tacs to teach her how, but she still didn’t like it. Ironic that she, who could never swallow a pill as a child, would end her life by swallowing pills. A tear went down her cheek as she closed her eyes. An image of her parents grieving at her funeral arose. It would be a very small funeral. Her family would be there, and that would be it, and they would finally understand why she had been so lonely. Amber, fifteen, the girl with no friends, hated by the entire world. If she could only be there to see Benjamin’s reaction when he was told that she had committed suicide. Would he feel guilty? Would Sara? Would the person who wrote “SLUT” on her locker? Probably not. It would probably be a relief to them. She would no longer be breaking up people’s relationships.
CHAPTER 13
Moving on
Sara was in shock when she heard Ben and Amber had kissed. It was the betrayal that had hurt her most. After going over it a million times in her head, she realized that she didn’t feel disturbed by the fact that Ben had kissed someone else. She didn’t feel jealous or possessive in that sense, and she knew why. She didn’t like Ben like that. She didn’t want that part of him. But she still wanted him – his friendship, his loyalty, and his way of making her feel like she was the one and only. By kissing Amber at that party, he had taken it all away.