Dead. It was a terrible word. Like the snap of a pair of scissors cutting a piece of string in two and knowing that you could never, ever put the piece of string together again.
“Did Alexa mind?”
“‘Mind’ is not the word for such a time of bereavement.”
“But it meant that you could come back to Scotland.”
“Yes.” Edie sighed and folded her blouse. “Yes, we came back. We all did. Your father to work in Edinburgh and Alexa and I to live at Balnaid. And things gradually got better. Grief is a funny thing because you don’t have to carry it with you for the rest of your life. After a bit you set it down by the roadside and walk on and leave it resting there. As for Alexa, it was a new life. She went to Strathcroy Primary, just as you do, and made friends with all the village children. And your Granny Vi gave her a bicycle and a wee Shetland pony. Before very long you’d never have known she ever lived in London. And yet every holidays, when she was old enough to travel on her own, back she went to stay a little while with Lady Cheriton. It was the least we could do for the poor lady.”
Her ironing was finished. She turned off the iron and set it in the grate to cool, and then folded up her ironing board. But Henry did not want to stop this fascinating conversation.
“Before Alexa, you looked after Daddy, didn’t you?”
“That’s what I did. Right up to the day when he was eight years old and went away to boarding school.”
Henry said, “I don’t want to go to boarding school.”
“Oh, come away.” Edie’s voice turned brisk. She was not about to have any teary nonsense. “And why not? Lots of other boys your own age, and football and cricket and high jinks.”
“I won’t know anybody. I won’t have a friend. And I shan’t be able to take Moo with me.”
Edie knew all about Moo. Moo was a piece of satin and wool, remains of Henry’s cot blanket. It lived under his pillow and helped him to get to sleep at nights. Without Moo he would not sleep. Moo was very important to him.
“No,” she admitted. “You won’t be able to take Moo, that’s for certain. But nobody would object if you took a teddy.”
“Teddies don’t work. And Hamish Blair says only babies take teddies.”
“Hamish Blair talks a lot of nonsense.”
“And you won’t be there to give me my dinner.”
Edie stopped being brisk. She put out a hand and ruffled his hair. “Wee man. We all have to grow up, move on. The world would come to a standstill if we all stayed in the same place. Now” — she looked at her clock — “it’s time you were away home. I promised your mother you’d be back by six. Will you be all right on your own, or do you want me to come a bit of the way with you?”
“No,” he told her. “I’ll be all right on my own.”
9
Edmund Aird was nearly forty when he married for the second time, and his new wife Virginia was twenty-three. She hailed not from Scotland but from Devon, the daughter of an officer in the Devon and Dorset Regiment who had retired from the Army in order to run an inherited farm, a considerable spread of land between Dartmoor and the sea. She had been brought up in Devon, but her mother was American, and every summer she and Virginia crossed the Atlantic in order to spend the hot months of July and August in her old family home. This was in Leesport on the south shore of Long Island, a village facing out over the blue waters of the Great South Bay to the dunes of Fire Island.
The grandparents’ house was old, clapboard, large and airy. Sea breezes blew through it, stirring filmy curtains and bringing indoors the scents of the garden. This garden was spacious and separated from the quiet, tree-shaded street by a white picket fence. There were decks furnished for outdoor living, and wide porches screened for coolness and sanctuary from bugs. But its greatest charm was that it adjoined the country club, that hub of social activity with its restaurants and bars, golf course, tennis courts, and enormous turquoise swimming pool.
It was a world away from damp and misty Devon, and the annual experience gave the young Virginia a polish and sophistication that set her apart from her English contemporaries. Her clothes, purchased during mammoth Fifth Avenue shopping sprees, were both sleek and trendy. Her voice held a trace of her mother’s charming drawl, and returning to school with her groomed blonde head and her long, slender American legs, she was a source of much wonder and admiration and, inevitably, on the receiving end of a good deal of malicious envy.
Early on she learned to cope with this.
Not particularly scholastic, her passion was the open air and any sort of outdoor activity. In Long Island she played tennis, sailed and swam. In Devon she rode, hunting every winter with the local foxhounds. As she grew up, young men flocked to her side, poleaxed by the sight of her in hunting gear astride some enviable horse, or flying expertly about the tennis court in a white skirt that barely covered her bottom. At Christmas dances they clustered like bees around the proverbial honey-pot. When she was home, the telephone constantly rang, was constantly for her. Her father complained but secretly he was proud. In time, he stopped complaining, and installed a second telephone.
Leaving school, she went to London and learned to work an electric typewriter. This was extremely dull, but as she had no particular talent nor ambition, seemed to be the only thing to do. She shared a flat in Fulham and did temporary jobs, because that way she was free to come and go whenever a pleasant invitation came her way. The men were still there but now they were different men: older, richer, and sometimes married to other women. She allowed them to spend enormous sums of money on her, take her out to dinner and give her expensive presents. And then, when they were at their wits’ end with unrequited lust and devotion, she would without warning disappear from London — to spend another blissful summer with her grandparents, or head for a house party in Ibiza, or a yacht on the west coast of Scotland, or Christmas in Devon.
On one of these impetuous jaunts she had met Edmund Aird. It was September and at a house party in Relkirkshire for the hunt ball, where she was staying with the family of a girl with whom she had been at school. Before the ball, there was a lavish dinner party and all the guests — those staying in the house and others who had been invited — foregathered in the great library.
Virginia was the last to make her entrance. She wore a dress of so pale a green that it was almost white, strapless but caught over one shoulder by a spray of ivy the dark leaves fashioned of gleaming satin.
She saw him instantly. He was standing with his back to the fireplace, and he was tall. Across the room their eyes met and held. He had black hair streaked with white, like silver-fox fur. She was accustomed to men in all the peacock glory of Highland dress but she had never seen one who looked so easy and so well in his finery, the diced hose and the kilt, and the sombre bottle-green jacket sparked with silver buttons.
“…Virginia dear, there you are.” This was her hostess. “Now who do you know and who do you not know?” Unknown faces, new names. She scarcely heard them spoken. Finally, “…and this is Edmund Aird. Edmund, this is Virginia, who is staying with us. All the way from Devon. And you mustn’t talk to her now because I’ve put you next to each other at dinner, and you can talk to her then…”
She had never before fallen so instantly and totally in love. There had, of course, been affairs, mad infatuations in the high old days of the Leesport Country Club, but never anything that lasted longer than a few weeks. That evening was very different, and Virginia knew, without question, that she had met the only man with whom she had ever wanted to share the rest of her life. It did not take very long to realise that the incredible miracle was actually happening and that Edmund felt exactly the same way about her.
The world became brilliant and beautiful. Nothing could go wrong. Dazzled by happiness, she was ready to throw in her lot with Edmund, abandon all common sense and any tiresome principle. Give him her life. Live in the back of beyond if necessary; on the top of a mountain; in blatant sin. It didn’t m
atter. Nothing mattered.
But Edmund, having lost his heart, kept a tight rein on his head. He went to some lengths to explain his position. He was, after all, head of the Scottish branch of Sanford Cubben, a man of some prominence and very much in the eye of the media. Edinburgh was a small city, and he had many friends and business colleagues, and their respect and trust he valued. To step too blatantly out of line and end up with his name plastered over the gossip columns of the tabloid newspapers would be not only foolish but possibly disastrous.
As well, he had to consider his family.
“Family?”
“Yes, family. I have been married before.”
“I should think it very strange if you hadn’t been.”
“My wife was killed in a car accident. But I have Alexa. She’s ten. She lives with my mother in Strathcroy.”
“I like little girls. I would be very careful of her.”
But there were still other hurdles to be faced.
“Virginia, I’m seventeen years older than you. Does forty seem so very decrepit?”
“Years don’t matter.”
“It would mean your living in the wilds of Relkirkshire.”
“I shall drape myself in tartan and wear a hat with a feather.”
He laughed, but wryly. “Unfortunately, it’s not September all the year round. All our friends live miles apart and the winters are long and dark. Everybody hibernates. I am so afraid that you would find it very dull.”
“Edmund, it sounds a little as though you’re having second thoughts and are trying to put me off.”
“It’s not that. Never that. But you have to know all the truths. No illusions. You are so young, and so beautiful, and so vital, and you have all of life in front of you…”
“To be with you.”
“That’s another thing. My job. It’s demanding. I’m away so much. Abroad so often, sometimes for two or three weeks at a time.”
“But you’ll come back to me.”
She was adamant, and he adored her. He sighed. “I wish for both our sakes that it could be different. I wish that I were young again, and without responsibilities. Free to behave any way I wanted. Then we could live together and have time to get to know each other. And be totally sure.”
“I am totally sure.”
She was. Undeviating. He took her in his arms and said, “Then there’s nothing for it. I shall have to marry you.”
“You poor man.”
“You will be happy? I want so much to make you happy.”
“Oh, Edmund. Darling Edmund. How could I be anything else?”
They were married two months later, at the end of November, in Devon. It was a quiet wedding in the tiny church where Virginia had been christened.
The end of the beginning. No regrets. The casual, indiscriminate affairs were over and she let them go without a backward glance. She was Mrs Edmund Aird.
After their honeymoon they travelled north to Balnaid, Virginia’s new home, and her new and ready-made family: Violet, Edie, and Alexa. Life in Scotland was a very different experience from anything that Virginia had previously known, but she made every effort to adjust, if only because others, very obviously, were doing the same thing. Violet had already moved firmly out and gone to live at Pennyburn. She proved a model of non-interference. Edie was equally tactful. The time had come, she announced, for her to leave as well and settle herself in the cottage in the village where she had been brought up and which she had inherited from her mother. She was retiring from resident work but instead would continue on a daily basis, sharing her time between Virginia and Violet.
Edie was, in those early days, a tower of strength, a source of excellent advice, and a fund of cosy gossip. It was she who, for Alexa’s sake, filled in for Virginia some details of Edmund’s previous marriage, but once this was done, she never mentioned it again. It was over, finished. Water under the bridge. Virginia was grateful. Edie, the old servant who had seen and heard everything, could well have proved to be the fly in the ointment. Instead she became one of Virginia’s closest friends.
Alexa took a little longer. Sweet-natured and self-contained, she was inclined to be shy and withdrawn. She was not a beautiful child, with a dumpy shape and pale-red hair and the white skin that goes with this colouring, and was at first uncertain of her position in the family, yet almost touchingly anxious to please. Virginia responded to the best of her ability. This little girl was, after all, Edmund’s child and an important part of their marriage. She could never be a mother, but she could be a sister. Unobtrusively, she eased Alexa out of her shell, speaking to her as though they were the same age, taking much care not to tread on any tender toes. She showed interest in Alexa’s ploys, her drawing and her dolls, and included her in every possible activity and occasion. This was not always convenient, but the most important thing was that Alexa should never feel abandoned.
It took about six months, but it was worth it. She was rewarded by Alexa’s spontaneous confidences, and a touching admiration and devotion.
So there was family, but there were friends too. Liking her for her youth, for their affection for Edmund, for the fact that Edmund had chosen to marry her, they made her welcome. The Balmerinos, of course, but others too. Virginia was a gregarious girl who did not relish solitude and found herself surrounded by people who seemed to want her. When Edmund was away on business, which he was more often than not, right from the start, everybody was enormously kind and attentive, asking her out on her own, constantly phoning to be certain that she was neither lonely nor unhappy.
Which she was not. Secretly she almost relished Edmund’s absences because, in some strange way, they enhanced everything; he was gone but she knew that he was coming back to her, and each time he came back, being married to him was even better than before. Occupied with Alexa, with her new house, and her new friends, she filled in the empty days and counted the hours until Edmund should return to her. From Hong Kong. From Frankfurt. Once he had taken her with him to New York, and afterwards had indulged in a week’s leave. They had spent it at Leesport, and she remembered that time as one of the best in the whole of her life.
And then, Henry.
Henry changed everything, not for the worse, but for the better, if that was possible. After Henry, she didn’t want to go away any more. She had never imagined herself capable of such selfless love. It was different from loving Edmund, but all the more precious because it was utterly unexpected. She had never thought of herself as maternal, had never analysed the true meaning of the word. But this tiny human being, this little life, reduced her to wordless wonder.
They all teased her, but she didn’t mind. She shared him with Violet and Edie and Alexa, and relished in the sharing because, at the end of the day, Henry belonged to her. She watched him grow and savoured every moment of his progress. He stumbled and walked and spoke words, and she was enchanted. She played with him, drew pictures, watched Alexa push him in her old doll’s pram across the lawn. They lay in the grass and watched ants, walked down to the river and threw pebbles into the swift-flowing brown stream. They sat by winter fires and read picture books.
He was two. He was three. He was five years old. She took him for his first day at the Strathcroy Primary School and stood at the gate watching him walk away from her up the path to the schoolhouse door. There were children everywhere but none of them took any notice of him. He seemed, at that moment, especially small and very vulnerable, and she could scarcely bear to see him go.
Three years later, he was still small and vulnerable, and she felt more protective of him than ever. And this was the cause of the cloud that had gathered and now lay on the edge of her own personal horizon. She was afraid of it.
From time to time the subject of Henry’s future had come up, but she had shied from discussing it through with Edmund. He knew, however, her opinion. Lately, nothing had been said. She was happy to leave it this way, on the principle that it was best to leave a sleeping tiger to lie. She
did not want to have to fight Edmund. She had never stood up to him before because she had always been happy to leave important decisions to him. He was, after all, older, wiser, and infinitely more competent. But this was different. This was Henry.
Perhaps, if she did not look, if she paid no attention, the problem would go away.
When Archie and Violet had left, trundling away down the drive in the battered old Land-Rover, Virginia stayed where she was, in front of the house, feeling unsatisfactorily aimless and at a loss for something to do. The church meeting had broken the day in half, and yet it was too early to go indoors and start thinking about dinner. The weather was improving by the moment, and the sun was about to appear. Perhaps she should attempt a little gardening. She considered this idea and then rejected it. In the end she went into the house, gathered up the tea-mugs from the dining-room table and carried them through to the kitchen. Edmund’s spaniels were dozing in their baskets under the table. As soon as they heard her footsteps, however, they were awake, on their feet and anxious for exercise.
“I’ll just put these in the dishwasher,” she told them, “and then we’ll go out for a bit.” She always talked aloud to the dogs, and sometimes, like right now, it was comforting to hear the sound of her own voice. Mad old people talked to themselves. At times it was not difficult to understand why.
In the back kitchen, with the dogs milling around her, she took an old jacket off a hook and pushed her feet into rubber boots. Then they set off, the dogs racing ahead, down the wooded lane that ran along the south bank of the river. Two miles upstream another bridge crossed the water, leading back to the main road, and so to the village. But she left this behind her and walked on to where the trees stopped and the moor began, untrammelled miles of heather and grass and bracken, leaning up into the hills. Far away, the sheep grazed. There was only the sound of flowing water.