"Err…no, of course not, I was merely distracting them to give you time to chop those onions. Well done for understanding my cunning plan. Well done McChunder. What a team!" lied Sergeant Smelly. "We have saved the world," he said getting carried away with himself.
"I think you are getting carried away with yourself Sergeant Smelly," replied Jimmy McChunder. "Especially as there are now twenty evil onions rushing towards you," said Jimmy McChunder, as if twenty evil onions running towards him did not freak him out, but he remained calm. Sergeant Smelly on the other hand turned around to see the onions running menacingly towards him. And froze.
Jimmy McChunder again sneaked around the back of the onions and chopped them finely, placing them into more Tupperware boxes.
"Well done Sergeant Smelly. You pretending to freeze and be scared witless caused a diversion and the onions therefore did not notice me and I was able to sneak around the back and finely chop them. I have enough to do ten thousand onion tarts now," said Jimmy McChunder.
"Err…no problem Jimmy. I’m just glad you were able to understand that me pretending to be scared was a decoy so you could do your thing," lied Sergeant Smelly again. "Why do you think we are immune to these onions? Why didn’t we cry and get depressed like the people around us?"
"I’ve been chopping onions for fifteen years and I don’t cry anymore when I chop them. I’m not sure why you didn’t cry though. Perhaps it is something to do with the onion tart you ate," answered Jimmy McChunder.
"This makes us superheroes doesn’t it," shouted Sergeant Smelly superheroically.
"Well, if defeating some overgrown onions makes you a superhero, then yes, I suppose we are," replied Jimmy McChunder.
"We shall have to give you a superhero name Jimmy McChunder."
"What’s wrong with Jimmy McChunder?" asked Jimmy McChunder.
"There’s nothing wrong with the name, although it does sound similar to something you would find in a ridiculous children’s book. It doesn’t really say "Superhero" does it. I mean, my name is already a superhero name and it is also alliteration," remarked Sergeant Smelly.
"What is your first name?" asked Jimmy.
"Norman."
"Norman? Norman Smelly, but that’s not alliteration or a superhero’s name. It is the most ridiculous name I have ever heard, and I have a friend called Joe King," said Jimmy McChunder.
"You're joking?"
"No, I am Jimmy McChunder. Joe King is my friend."
"You're not joking?"
"No, I am quite serious. Let's move on before we are surrounded by tumbleweed. Remind me what alliteration is."
"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Alliteration is when all the words in a sentence, phrase or superhero’s name begin with the same letter," said Sergeant Smelly rather smugly.
Jimmy McChunder was confused.
"So how the boiled onions is Norman Smelly alliteration?" asked Jimmy McChunder.
"It’s not, but Sergeant Smelly is. So you need to change your name to be alliterationed like mine," said the alliteration that was Sergeant Smelly.
"You mean like Mickey McChunder?"
"No, I don’t think you get any superheroes with Mc at the start of their name."
"Are you prejudice against Scottish superheroes?" enquired Jimmy McChunder getting angry again.
"Well no, but you don’t hear of Haggis Man or Irn Bru Man saving people’s lives do you?"
"How about Jimmy Junder?" he asked. "That’s alliteration isn’t it?"
"Yes, but it has to be funny or slightly rude or suggestive and especially annoying to grown-ups. I shall name you CAPTAIN CHUNDER," bellowed Sergeant Smelly.
"But I’m not a Captain," replied Jimmy McChunder.
"You don’t have to be a military Captain if you are a superhero," said Sergeant Smelly, making it up as he went along.
"You’re making this up as you go along aren’t you? And I suppose you are going to tell me that being a superhero Sergeant is a higher superhero rank than being a superhero Captain."
"Yes," replied Sergeant Smelly.
"Oh whatever," said the newly named Captain Chunder. "Let’s go and find out who is behind this dastardly onion conspiracy."
"I have a better idea," said Sergeant Smelly. "Let’s go back to the café and eat more onion tarts to ensure I am immune. Once I am fuelled, we can find out who is behind this dastardly onion conspiracy."
Thusly, Sergeant Smelly and Captain Chunder were born. Well, not born exactly, as they were born many years ago. But today heralded the creation of the superhero duo of Sergeant Smelly and Captain Chunder.
10. The Evil Secret Lair
Meanwhile, back at the evil secret lair, Onionman was preparing the next phase of his world domination plan, unaware of the superheroes known as Sergeant Smelly and Captain Chunder. The evil hench-onions had reported good news of despair and evil. The humans they confronted were miserable and crying. The streets were empty, as everyone went home to cry in their beds. They were too depressed to do anything, but not sure why. And the nipping, stinging feeling you get when you chop an onion would not go away.
People with bunions were also having difficulties, but that was another story. That was the story of the less successful Bunion Man, who devised an evil plan to make all the people who suffered from bunions, suffer more than they already did. It wasn’t a great success, as there are only one in ten thousand people who suffer from bunions, and the extra pain they suffered was hardly noticeable. Most of them just said, "Ooh, my toe is hurting slightly more than usual today. Ah well, nothing to worry about. I’ll just go about my life in the same way I normally do. Well, I would do, if I wasn’t so depressed and tearful."
So not a great success for Bunion Man. Onionman's success rate was higher, as the majority of the attacks were successful. The plan was going despairingly well. However, there was no news from Onion Posse 72 and 73 and he was feeling anxious.
"What happened to Onion Posse 72 and 73? They should have returned by now. I’m feeling anxious," exclaimed Onionman.
Unfortunately for Sergeant Smelly and Captain Chunder, one onion had escaped the chopping and returned to Onionman’s evil secret lair to tell Onionman the bad news.
11. The Bad News Onion
The bad news onion was dreading breaking the bad news to Onionman as he didn't accept failure well.
"What on earth happened, Onion 346?"
"I’m Onion 317," replied the onion, "not Onion 346."
"Whatever, Onion number something or other. Tell me what happened, you insignificant little fool. Why did my evil plan go wrong with Onion Posse 72 and 73?" yelled Onionman.
"Well there’s no need to speak to me like that Onionman. I was out there risking my life for your world domination plan, and all you can do is call me an insignificant little fool. Well I’m not telling you unless you apologise," replied Onion 317 folding his arms in disgust. Well, he attempted to fold his arms but forgot they were onions, so it just looked like he was putting one onion on top of the other. But the scowl on his face suggested he was not a happy onion.
"I APOLOGISE TO NO MAN!"
"I am not a man. I am an onion," replied Onion 317 bravely.
"OKAY, I APOLOGISE TO NO ONION."
An impatient Onionman pulled out a kitchen knife and removed the insides of Onion 317 and stuffed him with rice and peas.
"That’s you stuffed," said Onionman rather pleased with himself for making such a nice stuffed onion and cracking such a punny joke. He looked around at the other distressed onions who weren’t laughing.
"Why aren’t you laughing at my hilarious joke?" he asked the onions. "Did you not see what I did there?"
Another brave onion stepped forward.
"Err…please Mr. Onionman, but Onion 317 was just about to explain what went wrong with Onion Posse 72 and 73. Now you have made him into a stuffed onion, you won’t be able to find out what happened. And I must say what a lovely stuffed onion it is."
Onionma
n froze for a second realizing his schoolboy error.
"Oh deep fried onions!"
12. Onion Interrogation
The onion was correct and Onionman had made a mistake of epic proportions.
"Okay, okay, I realise I made a mistake of epic proportions. I should have waited until Onion 317 told me what happened. But we can’t worry about that now. Something has gone ever so slightly wrong with my evil plan. Onion Posse 152, 153, 154 and 155. Go to where Onion Posse 72 and 73 were supposed to be wreaking despair, and find out what happened."
"Do we have to?" replied all one hundred onions at the same time.
"YES YOU DO. Now get out there and find out what went wrong."
And off they went to the last known whereabouts of Onion Posse 72 and 73.
When they reached their destination, they found the onion skins discarded by Captain Chunder, which made them nervous and they feared for their onion lives. They looked for evidence as to who was behind the dastardly onion skinning but could find nothing. They were about to turn around and return to the evil secret lair when Sergeant Smelly and Captain Chunder walked around the corner and looked up to see a hundred onions standing thirty metres in front of them. They froze for a second. A hundred onions staring at you is a frightening sight, not to mention odd. Little did they know, the onions were more afraid than they were. The onions marched forward ignoring their fears. The odds were in their favour. There were a hundred of them and only one of Sergeant Smelly and Captain Chunder after all. Well, one if you count Sergeant Smelly and Captain Chunder as one superheroic item. Captain Chunder remained calm and had a brilliant idea. Sergeant Smelly remained paralysed with fear.
"Quickly Sergeant Smelly. Eat these two Haggis, Pepperoni and Baked Bean pies with extra jalapeños that I recently prepared," said Captain Chunder.
"Okay…wait…hang on a minute. What do you mean two Haggis, Pepperoni and Baked Bean pies with extra jalapeños that you recently prepared? When did you do that?"
"That’s not important. Eat them quickly. And you must learn to go with the flow if I make things appear for the sake of the story!"
Sergeant Smelly quickly wolfed down the pies and they tasted as yummy as ever. He asked Captain Chunder why he made him eat them, but before he finished the whole sentence, he realised why. He felt a rumbling in his tummy similar to his first taste of Haggis, Pepperoni and Baked Bean pie. Memories of his favourite couch on fire came flooding back to him.
"Ahh…I understand now," and he turned around with his oversized bottom facing the onions.
"Wait a few more seconds," said Captain Chunder moving Sergeant Smelly’s butt into place like he was lining up a bowling ball. He angled Sergeant Smelly’s bottom a little to the right to add spin on it.
"OKAY, NOW, LET IT RIP SERGEANT SMELLY," roared Captain Chunder.
"Oh-oh, extra jalapeños!!!"
Sergeant Smelly let loose a fire-fart rocket in the direction of the onions, cooking most of them instantly. The few onions who did survive the fart blast didn’t last long, as they smelled the odorous pong and gave up living. The smell of a hundred burnt onions was too overpowering, even to a badly constructed evil onion. A single onion survivor moved groggily towards Sergeant Smelly and Captain Chunder.
"Please," he whispered. "No more!"
"Let’s grill him," suggested Captain Chunder.
"No, that would kill him," said Sergeant Smelly.
"No, I didn’t mean grill him under a grill!"
"What did you mean?"
"Grill him means interrogate him."
"No wait, I have a better idea. Why don’t we ask him questions to find out who is behind this evil onion despair?"
"But that’s what I meant Sergeant Smelly. Oh never mind. Ask him the questions."
"What is your name?" asked Sergeant Smelly.
"Onion 321," replied the onion.
"Onion 321! What a ridiculous name," said Sergeant Smelly.
"Oh, and Sergeant Smelly isn’t a ridiculous name is it?" replied the offended onion.
"How dare you. My name is a great, superheroic name. Your name is ridiculous. It would be like calling me Human 1367. Nobody would remember your name if we all had a number for a name!"
"Well yes, it can get confusing. Especially as we all look pretty much the same and there are over ten thousand of us."
Captain Chunder was getting bored. "Look, never mind about your ridiculous naming convention. Sergeant Smelly, ask him some proper questions," said Captain Chunder.
"WHO IS YOUR LEADER?" shouted Sergeant Smelly. "Who is behind these strange onion related attacks? Tell me now or Captain Chunder will chop you up and make a lovely onion tart for me to eat. In fact, maybe it’s best if you say nothing, so I can have that onion tart."
"There’s no need to be so violent. I’ll tell you everything you need to know. No interrogation necessary. His name is Onionman and he has an evil plan for world domination by inflicting despair and hopelessness on all humans," replied Onion 321.
"Why does he want to do that?" asked Sergeant Smelly.
"Why does any evil villain hell bent on world domination want to rule the world?"
"I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you, ridiculously named Onion 321."
"Err…I don’t know either actually, but I heard someone say that in a film recently and thought it would be a good line to use. It might have something to do with him being insane. He is half human and half onion, so I imagine that could make you quite mad."
"Fair enough. I wouldn’t wish to be half an onion. Or a whole onion for that matter. No offence Onion 321."
"None taken," replied Onion 321, who wasn’t that fussy himself about being an onion. Life expectancy is not long for onions. Especially if you are an evil hench-onion.
"Where does he live? Does he have an evil secret lair or an evil secret cave like Batman?" asked Sergeant Smelly continuing the interrogation.
"It’s not so much a secret cave. We told him not to, but he insisted on placing a twelve foot onion outside with ONIONMAN’S EVIL SECRET CAVE inscribed on the front. And Batman doesn’t have an evil secret lair, he just has a secret lair."
"Is that the one on Arlington Road?" asked Sergeant Smelly.
"What? Batman’s lair? I don’t know where that is. It’s a secret."
"I’ll ask you one more time Onion 321 then Captain Chunder starts SHOPPING. Is that the one on Arlington Road?" asked Sergeant Smelly.
Captain Chunder whispered something in Sergeant Smelly’s ear.
"Sorry, I’ll ask you one more time Onion 321 then Captain Chunder starts CHOPPING. Is that the one on Arlington Road?" asked Sergeant Smelly.
"You mean as opposed to the other twelve foot onion in town?" asked Onion 321.
"Is there another one?" asked Sergeant Smelly.
"No, I was being sarcastic," replied Onion 321.
"You’re not exactly in a strong position to be sarcastic are you Onion 321?" asked Captain Chunder with a large chopping knife in his hand.
"No, but I thought I would go down fighting."
"Good for you, it was quite funny. For an onion anyway. But I’m still going to chop you into little pieces," said Captain Chunder running out of patience. Sergeant Smelly leapt into action before Captain Chunder could chop Onion 321.
"CAPTAIN CHUNDER! TO THE SMELLY MOBILE," he shouted positively.
"We don’t have a SMELLY MOBILE," replied Captain Chunder negatively.
"CAPTAIN CHUNDER! TO THE CHUNDER MOBILE."
"We don’t have a CHUNDER MOBILE either."
"Oh for goodness sake. Do we have any superhero vehicles?"
"Nope."
"Do we have any non-superhero vehicles?" asked Sergeant Smelly.
"Nope, you only formed our superhero alliance an hour ago. I doubt we will get a superhero vehicle until the next book," replied Captain Chunder.
"You could use the ONION MOBILE, if you promise not to chop me up and make me into an onion tart," sa
id Onion 321 hoping his excellent plan would see him live.
"What a lovely, thoughtful onion you are," said Sergeant Smelly.
"No, he isn’t," replied Captain Chunder. "He is an evil onion. But let’s use his ONION MOBILE anyway as we have no other transport available to us at the moment. Superhero or non-superhero."
And Sergeant Smelly and Captain Chunder drove off in the outrageous ONION MOBILE, looking rather silly.
"We must get a superhero vehicle Captain Chunder," said an embarrassed Sergeant Smelly.
"I totally agree Sergeant Smelly," replied Captain Chunder who was equally as embarrassed. They trundled off to Arlington Road towards the only oversized onion in town, in a car that resembled a giant onion, desperately hoping for a sequel so they could get a superhero vehicle.
13. The Rise of Onionman
Now, you are probably wondering what happened to Onionman for him to be half onion and half man. And you are also probably wondering what made him so evil. Well, I’ll tell you. Onionman used to be an inventor. He invented a machine that would peel and chop an onion without you being in the room, so you wouldn’t cry or get sore eyes or that general horrible oniony feeling. You placed the onion in the machine and pressed the onion shaped button. Ten seconds later, hey presto, the onion was peeled and chopped, giving you enough time to leave the room. It was called the Onion Peeler and Chopper that didn’t make you cry. He was a great inventor but terrible at naming things. He also invented a brilliant machine that could merge two things together. He called it The Machine that merges two things together. I did mention he was dreadful at naming things didn’t I?
If you placed a bun and an onion in The Machine that merges two things together, it produced a Bunion. Not at all useful. Rather painful actually.
If you put a lion and a giraffe in The Machine that merges two things together, you made a bad joke,
"A giraffe and a lion go into a library. The giraffe falls asleep and the lion walks out the door. The librarian says to the lion, "You can’t leave that lying there," to which the lion replies, "that’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe."
If you put a…
…okay that’s enough examples from The Machine that merges two things together.
One fateful morning, Jimmy McOnions, as he was known at the time, was about to make a cheese and onion toasty. He took out an onion from the pantry, which was situated next to The Machine that merges two things together, but he didn’t notice his cat, Mr. Wobbles. He tripped over him and fell into The Machine that merges two things together. Unfortunately, he still had the onion in his hand when the door closed behind him. Mr. Wobbles accidentally pressed the large brown onion shaped button on The Machine that merges two things together and Onionman was created.