I dressed automatically, but when I looked in the mirror to apply my make-up, I did a double take. My skin had always had a golden touch to it and it got even darker if I tanned, but now I looked practically pale. The circles under my eyes were purple, almost the same shade as my violet irises, and I looked at least ten years older than twenty-five. I scowled at my reflection and then got to work. By the time I finished, I didn't look completely like my old self, but I was at least presentable .
I took a deep breath and looked myself square in the eye. I could do this. So what if my entire adult life so far had been as Ronald's other half. I'd moved into my own apartment after I'd signed my contract at Legacy. Granted it was in Washington Park, but it was still my own place. I could stand on my own two feet .
I kept telling myself that as I headed out the door, determined to have a good first day .
Two
I f the whole wedding thing hadn't been an issue, the first two weeks back to work would've been great. I had amazing students. A few who were going to be a handful, but only because they were so smart. No complaints about the curriculum or reading lists from either students or parents. After the first day of fielding questions, everyone basically ignored what had happened, which suited me just fine .
Even all of this, however, wasn't enough to lift my depression. My determination that I would be okay was getting harder to stick to. It seemed like everywhere I went, I was seeing happy couples and wedding announcements. They were all over TV too. Worse, I hadn't considered this as a possibility when I'd been planning my reading lists for this year. I always re-read the books with my students, which meant I'd spent the last two weeks dealing with Romeo, Mr. Darcy and Heathcliff. At least my seniors were reading Paradise Lost , no romance in that one. Though I had to admit, by comparison to Ronald, even Satan was looking pretty good at the moment .
Now, as I was making my way through L20 to the table where Adelle and Mindy were already sitting, I wondered what they'd say if I ordered something stronger than wine. I didn't even know if they served that kind of alcohol here, but I was seriously considering finding out. To top it all off, as I walked by the table closest to where I'd be sitting, the man dropped down on one knee and his girlfriend squealed. It took all of my willpower not to tackle the happy couple or, at the very least, scream at the girl to ‘run ’.
“Here,” Adelle handed me a glass of wine before I'd even taken a seat. She glanced at the kissing couple and rolled her eyes. “His timing sucks .”
I shrugged and took a gulp of the wine, barely registering anything beyond the buzz as it hit my empty stomach. “He'll screw her over soon enough. They all do .”
Mindy winced and I wondered if I'd spoken loud enough for the couple to hear. Oh well. Harsh truth. The girl would learn sooner or later. I took another drink of my wine .
“So, Mindy, did you have any more problems with Frank?” Adelle asked, not so subtly changing the subject .
I forced myself to pay attention as Mindy caught us up on her latest incident with her nosy old neighbor who'd taken to lurking outside her apartment door so he could hear everything going on inside. About ten months ago, he'd found out that she was bisexual, and now, her every move was cause for complaint .
Mindy narrowed her eyes and tossed her strawberry-blond curls over her shoulder. She was the smallest of the three of us, the very definition of petite, but when she got riled, she wasn't someone to mess with. “He told the building super that I was violating some sort of ethics code of conduct by having both men and women spend the night .”
As my friends began to debate the merits of taking legal action against the creepy old man, I let myself zone out. I didn't want to think about anything or anyone. Nice, quiet darkness; that sounded good. I snapped out of it for a few minutes when the waitress took our orders and chatted a bit, but once she was gone, I was back to letting everything just slide by. I thought too much anyway. Not doing it would be good for me .
I wasn't even aware that I'd been eating until Adelle's impatient voice interrupted my non-thoughts. “Sorry, what was that ?”
She gave me a stern look. “I was saying that you're being quieter than usual and I was wondering how you were doing.” She glanced at Mindy who shared a concerned expression. “But I guess that answers my question .”
“I'm fine,” I snapped then sighed, instantly regretting how I sounded. “Look, it's just going to take a while, okay. Ronald and I were together for seven years. It's not that easy to get over someone like that .”
Adelle's face tightened slightly, not enough that anyone else would've noticed, but I did. I reached across the table and put my hand on hers. “I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking .”
“It's okay.” Adelle smiled. “Morgan's been gone for over two years .”
I squeezed her hand before releasing it. Even Mindy didn't know how much Morgan's death had devastated Adelle. My best friend sat here now in designer clothes, her long chestnut brown waves styled by someone who made more a year than I did, and I knew she'd trade it all for just one more day with her husband. He'd been the love of her life and she missed him terribly. She'd dated in the years since his death, but never anything remotely serious .
“You know what you need,” Adelle said. “You need to get back on the horse .”
I laughed .
“I'm serious,” she said. “If there's one thing I learned from losing Morgan, it's to live life to the fullest, and that means moving on. The best way to do that is to get back in the saddle .”
“You're really enjoying these horse metaphors, aren't you?” I drained my glass. “Need I remind you that, before I started dating Ronald when I was eighteen, I'd had a total of two boyfriends and one of those was Timmy Gardener in the sixth grade. We held hands on the haunted hayride and that was a big deal.” I poked at my food. “I've never even slept with someone other than Ronald .”
“All the more reason for you to get back out there,” Adelle said. She grinned, her crystal blue eyes lighting up in a way I knew was trouble. I wasn’t going to like what she was about to suggest, but that wouldn’t stop her from suggesting it. “I know the perfect way to get things started. You need to fuck someone .”
I was glad I didn't have anything else to drink because I probably would've spit it out. “I'm not going to hook up with some random guy .”
She shook her head, giving me her ‘no shit’ stare. “Of course not. You're far too conservative for that .”
I opened my mouth to protest, then snapped it shut again. She was right. Out of the three of us, I was definitely the most... conservative. Growing up, Adelle used to tease me about being innocent and naïve. I was a bit more worldly wise than I had been back then, but I was still far from adventurous, especially when it came to sex .
“There's this guy. Absolutely gorgeous and hung like a fucking horse.” A gasp from one of the other tables said Adelle wasn't being as quiet as she thought. She grinned and kept going. “He's perfect .”
I shook my head. “I don't think so .”
“Come on, Bree. Why not ?”
“Reason number one: I'm not ready to date.” I held up a finger before she could offer any sort of argument against that. “And reason number two: I know what kind of guys you like .”
“What's that supposed to mean ?”
Mindy and I exchanged glances .
“You do tend to gravitate towards a certain...type,” Mindy said tactfully .
“And what type is that?” Adelle asked .
“Flaky,” I supplied. Adelle glared at me. “Ninety percent of the guys I've seen you date were either hipsters who were right at home in a coffehouse poetry read or frat guys with more brawn than brains. Basically, whoever you think is going to be good in bed .”
“That's not true .”
I sighed. “One name, Adelle. Tad Boffer .”
“What was wrong with Tad ?”
“He was a twenty-one year-old poet who wrote about meat,” I said .
r /> She grinned at me. “But you should've seen what he was packing .”
I groaned. “Seriously, Adelle?” I shook my head again. “And you wonder why I don't trust your taste in men most of the time .”
“How about this?” Mindy interrupted .
I turned toward Mindy, hoping Adelle would take the hint and not press the issue .
“There's a guy from my building who would be absolutely perfect for you,” Mindy said. “He's cute. White blond hair, sea-green eyes.” She fanned herself to try to break the tension with a laugh. “Over six feet and muscles... oh my .”
I chuckled and she looked relieved .
“Seriously, Bree,” she said. “He's a great guy. When I met him, my first thought was that if you hadn't been with that creep, Ronald, I would've introduced the two of you. He's so your type .”
It was funny she said that since I didn't even know what my type was. I didn't ask though. I didn't want to give Adelle another reason to suggest I try new things .
“I'm not sure,” I said. I didn't want to hurt Mindy's feelings, especially since she'd saved me from having to tell Adelle no, but I didn't think this was a good idea. “It's only been two weeks .”
“Drinks,” Mindy said. She glanced at Adelle. “I'm not saying sleep with him. Just meet him for drinks tomorrow night .”
My eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Why's he free on a Saturday night at short notice, if he's so great ?”
Mindy flushed. “I may have told him that I had someone I wanted him to meet .”
“Mindy!”
“I didn't make any promises,” she quickly said. “I didn't tell him anything for sure, but I wanted to make sure he was available if the opportunity came up .”
I scowled at her but she just looked at me, hope filling her eyes. I sighed, one drink couldn’t hurt. Plus, it appeared I didn't really have much of a choice, not unless I wanted to make Mindy look bad to this guy. I closed my eyes for a moment. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, I told myself. It might be nice to have a civilized conversation over drinks. Get to know someone. Laugh, flirt a little. I opened my eyes and saw Mindy watching me anxiously .
I nodded. “All right,” I said. “Drinks tomorrow night at O'Mallys. I'm taking a cab so I can get plastered if this guy's a ‘just my type’ prick .”
“Deal,” she said, beaming. “I'll go call him right now and tell him the good news .”
I glanced at Adelle as Mindy pulled out her phone .
“I still think you need a good lay more than a date,” Adelle said .
I shook my head. Casual sex just wasn't my thing. I'd never tried, but I didn't think I could do 'no strings.' Even with a fling, there'd have to be some sort of connection. I was just wired that way .
Three
W hat had I been thinking? Agreeing to go on a blind date with this guy from Mindy's apartment building had to be one of the dumbest things I'd ever done. It was impulsive, rash and completely out of character. Then again, I reasoned, considering the way my life had gone this past month, maybe doing something against my natural instincts was exactly what I needed right now. If taking my time, thinking things through nice and slow when it came to my relationship with Ronald had led me to this point, maybe it was time to reconsider the way I looked at things .
Not that I was desperate or crazy enough to go with Adelle's suggestion of hiring a hooker. No, a blind date was as adventurous as I was going to get .
If I could figure out what to wear .
How pathetic was that? I’m twenty-five years-old and had no idea what I should wear on a first date. It wasn't surprising, really. After all, it had been seven years since I'd last had one .
Damn it, why did everything remind me of Ronald !
I'd been a college freshman at the University of Illinois when I'd met him, a teacher's assistant for my general psychology course. He'd asked me out after just a couple weeks and that had been that. We'd kept it quiet until the end of the semester, but we'd been a couple from that point until the day he'd walked out before our wedding. And it hadn't been like our first date had been anything I'd really needed to dress up for. We'd had a picnic on the quad with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, a thermos of Ramon noodles, some Saltines and two slightly warm beers we’d had to sneak and pour into red plastic cups. I'd found out later that Ronald had cleaned out his cupboards and fridge for the meal. His roommate had been pissed. At the time, it had seemed romantic .
I shook my head, trying to banish the memories. I didn't want to think about Ronald or anything we'd done together. The problem with that line of thinking was that if I disregarded that part of my life, there wasn't much in the past seven years I could think about then. He was there through all of it, intricately woven into almost every memory .
A knock at my door startled me .
“Cavalry's here !”
I sighed in relief as I heard Mindy's muffled voice. I hurried down the hall and through my tiny living room. When I threw open the door, she grinned at me, most likely because I was still wearing my ratty cotton robe with dancing bananas. She and Adelle had constantly told me to get rid of it and buy something sleek and sexy. I refused. My banana robe was comforting, and during times like this, I needed as much comfort as I could get .
“Oh, sweetie, I knew you'd need some help, but I had no idea it'd be this bad.” She gestured at my robe, rolled her eyes and then headed straight for my bedroom .
I was so glad to see her that I couldn't even pretend to be annoyed. I just followed her into the bedroom, ready for whatever advice she could give me .
“Did you realize it's been almost a decade since you've gone on a date with someone? Like a real getting-to-know-you date?” She put her hands on her hips as she looked at the clothes strewn across my bed. “Things have changed .”
“No, Mindy,” I said sarcastically. “I thought it was still the custom to bring a chaperone to make sure that we kept a respectable distance for each other as we took an evening stroll home from the barn-raising .”
She rolled her eyes again. “Always with the sarcasm, Bree.” She gave me a sideways look. “You know, it's a good thing your students can't hear how you talk outside the classroom .”
I picked up a pillow, threw it at her and whined, “Just help me figure out what to wear .”
She laughed as she caught the pillow and then tossed it back onto the bed. I was glad it was her and not Adelle who'd come over. I loved my best friend to death and we'd both grown up in working class families, but she sometimes forgot that I wasn't in the same financial situation as she was now that we were grown .
Case in point, my entire apartment was smaller than the first floor of her townhouse. And my clothing selection was much more limited, even though it usually filled my tiny closet to overflowing. Most of my clothes were for work, new ones bought over the last year with the belief that finances would soon be a little less restrictive. Ronald and I had worked hard on our budget so that we could afford a place in a nicer neighborhood, but I'd managed to figure out how I'd have enough for a couple new outfits for school, ones that made me look more like a teacher and less like a student. Now, I had clothes I probably could've done without and the same crappy apartment I'd had for the past year instead of the cute little place Ronald and his new girlfriend, Sami, were renting in Lincoln Park .
“Bree?” Mindy nudged my arm. “Where'd you go ?”
I blinked and gave her a tight smile. “Nowhere good.” I gestured toward the bed. “Let's find me something to wear and you can tell me all about how dating's changed since the Dark Ages .”
I didn't think relaxation was going to be an option, but I at least calmed down a bit as Mindy started going through my entire wardrobe. I could almost pretend she was helping me get dressed for a girls' night out. She wore the same weary expression now that she did then, clearly telling me without saying a word that my fashion sense was horribly lacking. Not that I dressed like a bag lady or anything like that. No, her problem with
my clothes was that I tended to dress simply, nothing bold or outrageous. I was the kind of person who could wear pretty much anything in my closet to work while Mindy had to choose carefully so she didn't end up in an outfit that showed far too much cleavage for a high school math teacher .
“When we get our Christmas bonus this year, you and I are going shopping,” she said as she reached the halfway point. “If you're getting back into the game, you have to dress the part .”
I didn't tell her that I didn't want to get back in the game. I didn't want games at all. In his apology text, Ronald had said that he never meant to hurt me, that it wasn't something he planned... blah, blah, blah. It was all the same shit that I'd heard a million times in movies, and I'd always wondered who those assholes thought they were fooling saying it. Ronald and Sami might not have been having some year-long affair – hell, they might not have even been looking at each other for more than a month – but it had been a game nonetheless. A short one, but one I had lost .
“No,” Mindy said firmly. “None of that .”
“None of what?” I asked .
“No thinking about your asshole ex tonight. No comparing my guy to him.” Mindy put her hands on her hips. For someone so tiny, she could be kind of scary. It was probably what made her a good teacher. “Tonight's about moving past Ronald and getting the attention you deserve.” She picked up a top and a skirt. “Put these on .”
I stared at her; she had to be kidding .
“These were a Halloween costume from college,” I protested. I'd been a sophomore and Adelle had helped me pick out the clothes. I'd lost my virginity that night, and I'd never worn the outfit again. I wasn't even entirely sure why I'd kept it, then almost laughed at myself with that thought. I knew exactly why I kept it, sentimental fool that I was .