8
The following day, Jace discovered exactly what it was his peculiar adventure had earned him, at least academically. The room was used primarily for the advanced students of theology, philosophy, and the related arts, most of whom were or would one day become Apprentices of the Brethren. He was heartened to find Adan in several of his classes, an occurrence which had become rare of late, as their interests and future intentions had sharply diverged and thus, so did their classes. They worked together on several projects, discussed what it was they had learned that day over their meals, and exchanged books and notes that they found interesting or helpful. And strangely, Jace had never been more eager or interested in his studies before, though he had previously been an exemplary student; now he found himself ravenous for anything and everything he could learn from his teachers, friends, or books. Happily did he undertake the Lady’s suggestion and found himself quite content therein.
But the strangest occurrence of the day was a newly sworn Apprentice, called Hawk, lingering in the room after the last class session before lunch. While Adan went off to fetch food for the both of them, the other Apprentice stood awkwardly off to one side, as if unsure how to approach his onetime rival. Jace caught his eye and smiled openly, which did much to relax the apprehensive Hawk, who then approached with a sheepish smile.
Said he, glancing about to ensure they were alone, “I know we have not always seen eye to eye.”
Jace grinned ironically at this understatement, for the boy was the veritable leader of the cohort of Students that had either ignored or abhorred him. Jace had never openly opposed them, but they disdained having anything to do with him, one way or another, and he happily returned the favor. He nodded encouragingly, while the Apprentice studied his boots for a moment before continuing.
Said he, “yesterday everything changed, not just with my taking the Oath or your seeming change of heart, but rather, when we thought you severely injured, or worse, it all just melted away, for all of us, the jealousy, the impotent frustration, everything. We knew ourselves in the wrong, wretchedly so, and to think we might never have a chance to tell you! It was awful.”
Jace nodded, “I understand, after seeing what my own recklessness had cost my friends and family, I can certainly imagine how you felt.”
Heartened, Hawk continued, “you never boasted or treated others with disdain or scorn, thus you might have earned our contempt, but rather we were mostly jealous, our own vanity was injured by your success, and we held you responsible for our feelings of inferiority, though it was no fault of yours. I come on behalf of all who once opposed you, can you forgive us?”
Jace smiled broadly, “with all my heart.” His smile became wry, “I can relate, for only yesterday did I fully feel my own inferiority and helplessness, naked before the Master.”
Hawk shivered, “I am glad we need only be humbled before a fellow man!”
Jace asked teasingly, “so, was this contrition also brought on by your new status as one of the Brethren?”
Hawk smiled heartily, “I suppose it is befitting of one of the Brethren to do so,” he paused and his smile turned sheepish, “but no, I cannot say it was brought about by any sudden maturity on my part.”
They chatted affably for a few more minutes, until Adan returned with their food, at which point Hawk bowed in farewell and went in search of his own midday meal. Adan was astonished at the reason for the other Apprentice’s visit and said as much to Jace, “I think your previous social achievements are about to be turned on their head. Those who once looked at you askance will now call you friend, while those that once looked up to you will soon forget why,” he grinned impishly, “fanatic that you are.” He narrowed his eyes, “have you thought of making it official?”
Jace sighed heavily, wondering how to broach the subject to his dearest friend, having no certain answers himself, said he, “I toyed with the idea on the ride back to the keep, but afterwards it was made clear to me that it could not be so, at least not yet.”
Adan frowned, “could not or would not?”
Jace grinned sheepishly, “it is not recalcitrance on my part this time, the Lady herself said she must deny me should I ask it and somehow I know she is right.” He averted his eyes, “the same way I know I cannot ever marry.”
Adan whistled in astonishment, knowing the Lady denied no one with a willing heart, ever, and also at Jace’s sudden discloser of Ella’s predicament, for since her interview with Jace she had been as distant as Briane of late, though Brie had sought him out over breakfast and apologized for her behavior, hoping they could still be friends. Now it was Ella who would be sulking over thwarted love! Sometimes he found women more baffling than the most puzzling stanza of the Truth. But then he had seen Ella making eyes at several of the nobly born Students as he assembled their lunch tray, perhaps she was not near so heartsick as Briane thought herself. He mentioned as much to Jace.
Jace said with a knowing smile, “she was fond of me, of that I am sure, but was far more in love with her dream; we shall remain friends, though perhaps more indifferent than not, but neither of us was really ‘in love,’ at least as the poets put it. It would have been a good match, a pleasant life, but hardly food for the bards.” He evenly met Adan’s gaze and smiled sadly, “nothing like what you and Brie share.”
Adan mirrored his smile, saying, “at least we have come to an understanding, something she could not or would not do previously. It is a sore loss, but worse still would have been my betraying my calling.” He grinned mischievously, “and who is to say all hope is lost? I thought without a doubt that she would change her mind long before you changed yours.”
Jace laughed, “it took a miracle for me to see the light, my friend, but then that is Whom we serve, and in Him, hope springs eternal.”
His friends all joined him for the evening meal, all except Ella that is, she was off a-courting in earnest, though she had stopped in briefly to give her excuses, at which all exchanged an amused, knowing look, which vexed her but she had her duties as much as they theirs, thus did she console herself. There was still some awkwardness between Brie and Adan, their banter seemed forced and their conversation centered inanely around the weather, but superficially things were back to normal, but Jace well knew that things could never be as they once had been. They were still friends, would always be friends, but the most important thing in the world, and beyond it, gaped like a bottomless chasm between them with he and Adan on one side and the others still on the far side. The things that had once been important to Jace no longer mattered while his new preferences for conversational topics bored silly everyone but Adan, while the rather insipid gossip of happenings within the student population, which he once counted as the highlight of his day, no longer held any interest for him.
He exchanged a questioning gaze with Adan, who only shook his head and smiled, long used to that which Jace was only beginning to discover. His world had indeed turned on its head. At last Brie pled weariness and withdrew, while Adan disappeared towards the library in search of certain books he had promised to find for Jace, leaving only Jay alone with Jace, a circumstance they both found strangely awkward, for he alone had not come the previous night. He began to glance significantly at the door when he was not studying the carpet while shifting uneasily from one foot to the other. At last he looked over Jace’s shoulder and said, “so that’s it then? You’ve given up everything for them?”
Jace grinned in that irksome way peculiar to himself, “given up what for whom?”
Jay frowned, “you are throwing away all your potential to join the Brethren!”
Jace shook his head, “I am doing no such thing.”
Jay’s frown deepened, “not joining the Brethren or throwing your skills away?”
Jace’s grin became mischief itself, “neither, I have been gifted with much and the Master will use it as He deems best, but I do not foresee taking my Oath anytime soon either.”
Jay shoo
k his head as if he were utterly confused, only deepening Jace’s smile, but at last he said, “why not? I thought all you fanatics could not help but join up with such a merry crew?”
Jace shrugged, “I have no idea, but it is not to be.”
This only confused Jay the more but it seemed there was no getting a straight answer out of Jace, a trait which he thought, ironically, was quite befitting of one of the Brethren. Said he, “are you really giving up your pursuit of Ella?”
Jace looked rather surprised, for Brie asserted that the girl was blatantly flirting with anyone in Astoria who was male, nobly born, and not sworn to the Brethren, but he said, “she would make an uneasy peddler’s wife.”
Jay took offense, “who is to say I don’t aspire to be more myself?”
Jace grinned, much like his old self, somewhat disarming his vexed companion, “as of yesterday that had been your intention.”
Jay said loftily, but with a hint of a smile, “perhaps, but as you have demonstrated, much can change in a day.”
Jace smiled openly, “then I wish you well with all my heart, if only you can charm your way past her determination to win a man nobly born.”
Jay sighed, “there is that I suppose, but it is far less a hindrance than you.”
Jace laughed, “I was a hindrance then?”
Jay smiled ruefully, “I didn’t mean it that way, and you know it! You were my friend and I wouldn’t dare interfere with a lady who was certainly yours.”
Jace sobered, “why are you speaking of our friendship in the past tense?”
Jay studied the carpet anew, saying tenuously without meeting Jace’s gaze, “what I saw yesterday was really awful, terrible even. It disturbed me in ways I do not yet understand.”
Jace frowned, “the near death of a friend or something else?”
Jay met his gaze, hesitantly and certainly embarrassed, but at least he looked Jace in the eye, “thinking you dead was bad enough, but to see you alive and whole, and well...so different is even worse. Just being around you is unsettling; I can’t do it anymore.”
Jace smiled sadly in understanding, having felt the same around Adan, if only minutely, but he knew what Jay was saying: he felt something pulling at his heart, something deep calling out to the deeps of his soul. And he was terrified of answering that call, of abandoning all he was and had and might be to become something he could not yet understand. It took Jace literally losing everything to even listen to that call, and when he did, he had to admit how utterly wretched and lost he truly was, and that the only hope lay outside himself, but in that moment he had also discovered that what he had previously admired and loved so much, was in truth a rather fickle and silly thing, for here was true Meaning and Purpose, Grace and Love. He had given up nothing and was heir to Everything.
Jace nodded, saying with all his heart, “I understand Jay, truly I do.” He smiled in spite of himself, “and believe it or not, I know exactly what you are going through. But you cannot run from Him, for He will pursue. You can ignore, refuse, and delay, but you can neither hide nor avoid Him. I wish you well in whatever it is you intend, but know I shall always be your friend, even if you cannot continue to be mine.”
Jay smiled sadly, “this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, you are the best friend I’ve ever had, but I can’t be around you anymore. Perhaps one day your words will prove true, but not today or anytime soon, if I have any say in the matter. Until that day, fare you well!” With that, he turned quickly and fled the room. Jace watched him go with a heavy heart, but a strangely content and slightly amused smile on his face, whatever betide, he knew the foe from Whom Jay fled with all his might and he also knew how implacable was that ‘Enemy.’ The boy might flee to the ends of the earth, but He would be awaiting him there.
Adan soon returned, a stack of books in hand, smiling knowingly at his friend, he set down his burden within easy reach of the invalid and said, “so now Jay is the one running away?”
Jace smiled wanly, “with all his being.”
Adan nodded, “you weren’t quite such a coward, at least until the very end.”
Jace studied his hands, “I am sorry for that, distancing myself from you as the Oathtaking approached.”
Adan squeezed his shoulder and grinned, “I know, I never took it personally, I know how it both draws and repels, and you being who you are, could not help but take a fright and try to get away.” He laughed, “and see where it landed you.”
Jace looked up, smiling, “exactly where I would have been had I agreed from the start, save the broken leg.” His smile became sad, “it seems now you are my only friend.”
Adan shook his head, “there are far more that care for you than you think, remember everyone waiting anxiously after your fall? People just need time to adjust to sudden changes. You’ll find friends you never knew you had and your old ones just need time to get used to the idea.” He smiled, “or deal with their own issues first. Every Apprentice goes through the exact same adjustment after their Oath; it is just another life stage, a beginning of one thing and an ending of another: awkward, terrifying, and exciting all at once.”
Jace leaned back on the sofa, smiling slightly, remembering Hawk’s unanticipated words. Adan was right; he would get through this and be a better man for it. He sat up and took up the books Adan had lain down. He glanced through the titles, recognizing most of them as recommended reading by either Adan, the Lady, or their various instructors, but there were two books he did not recognize.
Adan saw his frown of consternation and commented, “those two are a puzzle to me as well. One of the servants met me in the hall on my way back and said you had best look through them, though I can’t imagine how reading a two volume exposition on advanced mathematical theorems is to prove useful, unless you are having trouble going to sleep that is.”
Jace looked up in astonishment, for the books appeared to have nothing whatsoever to do with arithmetic but rather were a two volume set of stories and legends titled, ‘The Shadow of the Unicorn,’ but Adan was plainly looking at the cover and still thought it a mathematical text? He thought about saying something, but again, that unshakable certainty stirred within his soul and bid him be silent. He laid the books aside and their conversation turned to other topics until it was time for bed. Adan bid him goodnight, and once he was gone, Jace drew out the puzzling books and began to read.
Jace did not sleep that night, for the stories themselves riveted him to the page until he had finished them in their entirety, but they also stirred such unsettling and exciting thoughts in his mind and soul that sleep would have been impossible anyway. He would have to read the books again to glean more detail, but from what he had perused, the future would be interesting indeed, if it were true. The disparity in his perception of the texts and that of Adan was also troubling him, he could easily believe that it was magic, but the Brethren were the antithesis of the magicians and sorcerers the old housekeeper believed them to be. So what exactly was going on? A throat cleared and he looked up from his study of the befuddling books to see a servant standing at the door, the same who had escorted him into the castle upon his arrival in Astoria.
Said the man without preamble, once he had the lad’s attention, “you look like you’ve had a rough night lad.” He smiled in amusement, “up all night reading when you ought to be sleeping?”
The boy blinked at him blankly, who was this man? The servants technically outranked the Students in Astoria and often sent them on errands or set them extra tasks if they felt you were wasting time or fooling around, though friendly and ever happy to answer a question, they did not typically fraternize with the Students. The man’s smile deepened with the boy’s confusion and he continued, “you’ll understand soon enough lad, the Truth has a way of asserting itself when it will. Don’t worry over the strangeness of those books, it will make sense eventually, but know full well that the tales are true and your own story may well be tangled up
in them.” Jace opened his mouth to speak but the man was gone. He frowned the more, put the books away, and tried to smile casually at his sister when she brought him his breakfast tray, more confused than ever.
He learned very little in his morning classes as his mind was busy mulling over the puzzle, and by the time Adan sat beside him as they devoured their midday meal, the shock and befuddlement had begun to wear off and his mind churned eagerly with what lay between the covers of the two mysterious volumes. Could it really pertain to himself? What was his part in those strange and wonderful tales?
So inward focused was he that at last Adan commented, “you are certainly quiet today.” He grinned, “are those math books giving you something fascinating to think about?” Jace shook himself back to reality, smiled good-naturedly at his friend, and tried to think of something else to talk about.
The days eventually settled into a rhythm all their own for Jace with classes during the day, various friends and family visiting him in the early evening, and then a few hours dedicated to study, meditation, and prayer before bed. He smiled in spite of himself, thinking he could not have found a better way to attend to the requisite reflection and study necessary to his new life, or what would be his new life once his leg healed, had he hied himself into the lonely hills for a sixth month sabbatical at some forgotten hermitage. He had many questions to answer, personal and emotional issues to deal with, and much to learn, and he did so with a will, for it seemed nothing else would slake his now ravenous thirst for such wisdom. Even his social life began to sort itself out, removed as he was from the general population of Astoria, he did not have to witness the death of his once adored public persona, rather other Students rose up to take his place of prominence and strangely, he did not mind, rather he grew closer to some, including Hawk and some of his cohort, with whom he had hardly interacted before while those who had once adored him were all but absent.
He was now something of an outcast and a pariah among the Students in general, having once danced confidently at the peak of social enterprise only to cast it all aside to molder in anonymity among the Brethren and their initiates, yet failing even to properly join ranks with them. They turned their attention and worship elsewhere while Jace dug himself ever deeper into the legends and stories that now consumed him. He found much to discuss with the various Apprentices that kept him company, but he sorely felt the strain with his sister, having so little now in common, for she chatted blithely about the latest social intrigue within the castle but cared nothing for philosophy; Ella and Jay had long since ceased to even visit, busy with their own pursuits. But at last the day came when the doctor said he might try the leg, and after two months of inactivity, it was a momentous occasion, though his muscles and physical strength had atrophied with his enforced inactivity, the leg held and he was allowed to hobble about on crutches until he was strong enough to walk on his own.
He returned to the general student population with hardly a ripple when once his mere entrance into the dining hall caused a tidal wave of interest, but aside for the varied greetings and well wishes on his recovery, thereafter he was roundly ignored, save for those closest to him. He smiled ruefully, but bore it well, having come to peace with the idea over the last couple months. Each day he pushed himself a little harder, trying to regain the strength and skills his recovery had sapped, but it was still early autumn before he could comfortably sit a horse, endure a sparring match, or even dash across the courtyard, but in the end most of his strength and skill returned, though he still had a slight limp and feared it might be so for the rest of his life.
As his physical self improved daily and his mind continued to grow and expand with his grueling course of study, he was rather content in his progress, but at last the day came when his physical recovery began to plateau and he wondered what next to do with himself. He would have taken his Oath that moment were it an option, but alas it was forbidden him. He began to grow restless, questioning his very purpose and direction; he had spent months recovering and preparing himself, but for what? Was he ever to be just a pupil with no place among either the Students or the Apprentices?