Chapter 8
My dad spent the rest of the winter looking over our finances. The news was bad. The cotton picker was a total loss and we couldn’t afford to pay back the lender either. Plus, we didn’t have much insurance to cover it and we hadn’t made nearly enough from the harvest. Soon we began to receive notices of foreclosure on the farm so we started selling anything and everything with any value to other farmers.
I couldn’t believe what was happening and I figured that Mom and Dad couldn’t either. Dad had only known one home his entire life, the same went for Phoebe and me. Without the farm, though, we wouldn’t be able to keep the house.
One night Dad gathered us all into the family room and told us that we were going to have to sell the house and eventually move. He told us about our cousin, an uncle, who ran a farm in Missouri, growing corn and raising a few dairy cows. His uncle and his nephews had offered my parents a piece of the farm, saying we could put down whatever we made from the sale of our house. Mom and Dad decided to take him up on his offer. Phoebe and I were speechless. It was like a nightmare that had come true. Neither of us had been any further than Laurel our entire lives, much less out of the state. We sat there in stunned silence. I was mostly worried about ol’ Phoebe, having to go to a new school for her sophomore year. She had plenty of good friends here, so I knew it would be tough on her. She didn’t take it too well either.
I didn’t know what I was going to do, but I sure didn’t feel like talking about it. I went to my room and stared out the window. I knew it wouldn’t be long before I would hear a soft knocking on my door. I didn’t have to say anything, Phoebe just came right on in.
Her eyes were filled with tears but she didn’t cry or whimper or anything. Sitting on the edge of my bed she didn’t say a word for what seemed like an eternity. “I don’t want to do this,” she said finally. “I’m not gonna know nobody. I don’t even know where Missouri is. I like it here!”
Tears came streaming down her cheeks. I didn’t have the heart to turn around and face her.
“It’s just north of Arkansas,” I mumbled.
“I don’t care where it is!” she cried.
“I know. I don’t either. But we’re not leaving tomorrow. Calm down. I’m sure we still have the summer. We haven’t even sold the house yet. We’ve still got some time.”
“I don’t care,” she wailed. “I don’t want to go. I want all my time to be here!” She buried her head in the covers and sobbed.
I just sat there and stared at the window sill with a billion thoughts running through my head. I didn’t really know how to comfort her, or even if could I didn’t think it would have helped anyway. “I know,” I answered. “Me too.”
It was late May, and graduation was only a few days away. I wasn’t doing much work around the farm or the house, on account that we wouldn’t be there much longer. So, I decided to take a little walk. I stumbled outside and decided to walk down to the mailbox.
Grandpa’s martins were flying all about and it looked as if the nestlings were getting ready to take their first flight. I watched as the mother tried to encourage them to take the leap but the little ones would get scared and sneak back into the birdhouse. The mother would then go in after them and kick the little ones out to the porch again. Sooner or later, the first fledgling would finally gather his courage and leap into the air, soon flying safely and happily before finally coming back to the house. Soon, the other fledglings would join him in flying all around the yard. I chuckled to myself as I watched them.
Phoebe noticed me going to the mailbox. “Wait! I’ll come with you,” she called out. She ran and caught up with me. “Maybe we’ll get a big check in the mail for a million dollars and then we can stay.”
“Yeah right,” I laughed at her.
I opened the mailbox to find quite a large amount of mail. Thumbing through the envelopes with Phoebe looking over my shoulder, I came across one with my name on it. It was a very official looking envelope from the United States Selective Service. I quickly stuffed it into my pocket so as to not let Phoebe get a good look at it.
“Hey, what was that?” she asked suspiciously.
I didn’t answer her, thumbing through the other pieces of mail as if I didn’t see it at all. Soon we started walking back to the house.
“What was that?” she asked again.
“It’s nothing,” I answered. “Just forget it.”
Phoebe seemed worried, but to her credit, she never asked me about it again.
I sat on the edge of my bed with the door closed. Opening the letter, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. When I opened my eyes, I saw that the letter was a notice to report for a physical examination at the Selective Service office in Laurel. I was to report four days later, on the second day of June. My hands began to shake and the letter trembled in my grip. Stuffing the letter back into the envelope, I shoved it into a dresser drawer, hiding it under some shirts.
I ran downstairs and told my dad I was going down to Bailey’s for a while. He didn’t seem to notice and I was out the door before Phoebe saw me. I didn’t feel like talking to anybody. I just needed to get out and have some time to think.
I drove toward Bailey’s, screeching to a halt in front of the store. I scrounged in my pocket for some change and headed straight for the soda machine on the porch. I couldn’t get that bottle opened fast enough, gulping down a long swig when I did. It felt wonderful out in the heat of the day. I put the ice cold bottle against my forehead, letting it cool my head. I didn’t want to think about anything. I kept trying to forget about what the letter had said.
As I took another long drink from the bottle, I heard footsteps coming from behind me. I turned around to see my pal Asa standing behind me with a sullen look on his face.
“Some graduation gift, huh?” he said.
“What?” I shot back.
“I thought you’d be here. You got one too, didn’t you?”
Beginning to get annoyed, I snapped “Got one what, Asa? Spit it out!”
“They were just waiting for us to graduate high school,” he continued. “The dirty bastards. You got your notice too, didn’t you?”
I took another sip from the nearly empty soda bottle and wiped my mouth with my shoulder.
“Yeah, I got it,” I answered.
“My father thinks it will be good for me,” Asa said, sounding shaky. “He says some good discipline will help me out. What a crock that is. I guess he doesn’t care if I get blown away.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. That ain’t gonna happen,” I answered.
“Guys don’t come back ya know.” Asa kept on. “They get shipped off to some jungle on the other side of the world and they never come back. I must be out of my mind!”
“Just stop it now!” I barked at him. “Ain’t none of that gonna happen! It’s just a physical exam for cryin’ out loud.”
“I have to report on the second of June. What about you?” he asked curiously.
“Yep. Same day.”
“Why don’t we go together?” he asked, pacing a bit. “Might make the trip a little easier, right?” Boy, he sure was nervous. I could tell that he was taking the news about as well as I was.
“Yeah. Why not?” I said, not really caring. He was thinking much further ahead than I was. Then, something else dawned on me. “There might be others, you know. We should find out.”
Asa nodded and leaned against a wooden column next to me. Soon, he went over to the soda machine. Returning with two more bottles, he handed me one.
“Here have another,” he said. He didn’t have to tell me twice. I needed something to cool my head for sure.
Laurel was a good two hours away, so we decided to head that way the night before. I told my parents I was just going out with the guys. Asa and I found that two other boys from our class had received the same notice. So we invited them to ride down there with us. One of the other guys turned out to be none o
ther than Billy Colquitt. He and this other guy, Stuart Pence, met us at the burger fry that night a little after ten.
Billy seemed subdued when we found them. I usually never saw him without hearing an insult or two, but this time he was just as nervous as we were. He actually spoke to me like a regular human being for a change.
“How’s your sister, Havens?” Billy asked me.
“She’s okay,” I said.
“I think we should stay out all night and then head over there later on,” he suggested. “I sure as hell don’t want to go back home right now. I don’t know about you guys.”
We all decided to just stay out all night. Stuart was able to get some beer from Bailey’s, so the four of us sat in the truck bed the entire night just talking and drinking the beer. It was actually the first time I’d ever had a beer, but I didn’t care at the time. It had a weird taste at first, but it was easy to get used to.
We left Clara at around four in the morning and drove the rest of the night until we reached Laurel. All I can remember was we were all so scared. None of us said much the rest of the way. All the talking and carrying on back in town stopped as soon as we were on the road. It was the quietest trip I’d ever taken.
Mom and Dad realized at about five in the morning that I wasn’t coming back home. Soon, Dad was pacing back in forth in the kitchen while Mom drank coffee at the small table near the stove.
“He wouldn’t leave like that and not say anything,” Dad said. “He didn’t say anything to you?”
Mom shook her head unable to bring herself to say anything.
Dad stopped pacing when the door slowly opened and Phoebe poked her head inside the kitchen. “Ya’ll can’t sleep either? Why are you up so early?” she asked.
Dad looked at her sadly. “You’re brother didn’t come home last night.”
Phoebe stepped into the kitchen, letting the door swing shut behind her. A piece of paper dangled from her fingers. “I think this is why,” Phoebe said, her voice shaking.
Mom and Dad stared blankly at the piece of paper. Dad knew in an instant what Phoebe was holding in her hand.
I sat in the waiting room at the Selective Service office, fidgeting nervously as I waited. I watched as clerks and nurses walked back and forth past a glass window. Typing and office chatter could be heard beyond the walls.
They called our names in alphabetical order. Billy had already been called so I was next. After about an hour, he emerged from the back room. He slumped into his chair and stared at the thick pile of papers they had handed him.
“Well, that was a lot of fun,” he joked, looking dejected. I realized I was still wearing my hearing aid. What would they say when they saw it? I thought to myself. The last thing I wanted was to be treated any differently than anyone else. I cupped my hand over my ear and pulled the hearing aid off, slipping it into my pants pocket without anyone noticing.
A nurse stepped inside the waiting room holding a clipboard. “Havens?” she called out. I followed her inside. Asa, Stuart and Billy watched me disappear and the door shut behind me.
It was late that same day when I finally pulled up to the house. I had dropped Stuart and Billy off at Bailey’s and drove Asa all the way to his home five miles away.
I sat in the cab, gathering the courage to go inside, imagining how upset and worried my parents must have been. I knew I left without saying anything to them or Phoebe. I felt bad about that but sometimes you do crazy things when you’re faced with something so traumatic.
Opening the door, I saw that no one was in the family room. I walked to the kitchen. Taking a deep breath, I placed my hand on the swinging door and pushed it open.
In the kitchen I found my parents sitting at the small table next to the stove and Phoebe in the corner behind them with her arms folded. They all looked ragged and disheveled, they probably hadn’t had much sleep. I felt awful for putting them through such worry. I noticed the letter I’d received on the table in front of my father. His reading glasses were sitting on top of it.
Dad looked tired as he gazed at me. “Where you been?” he said as if he didn’t know.
I felt vulnerable and ashamed and my mouth was so dry I could hardly get the words out of my mouth. “I went to go take my physical,” I finally answered.
Mom breathed heavily in her chair.
“And?” Dad asked.
I stared at the floor, shaking my head. I could hear Phoebe sniff her nose, trying to hold back tears.
“They didn’t take me,” I answered.
Mom sighed and Phoebe put her hand to her mouth in disbelief, hardly able to contain herself, but still looking at me with great fear in her eyes. Fear for the worst. I guess she couldn’t believe what I had just said. She later told me how she had waited with Mom and Dad in the kitchen early in the morning and how she had found my letter and showed it to them.
His eyes red from lack of sleep, Dad got up and placed his hand on my shoulder and said, his voice cracking, “That’s good.”
He threw his arms around me and hugged me tight, just as he had done after the storm, Mom soon joining the hug. I thought they would be mad but they weren’t, just glad I was home. I was too.
Phoebe came over and kissed my cheek. “What was that for?” I asked her.
“Just glad you’re back,” she said. “Just don’t do that again, okay?” She said, slapping my shoulder.
I cracked a smile at her. “Okay, I won’t. Just ease up on those punches.”
She stared at the floor, I knew what her next question would be.
“Billy went with you, didn’t he?” she asked, still staring at the floor.
“Yes. He did, Phoebs.”
A tear rolled down her face and she looked up at me. “Did they accept him?”
I nodded, unable to bring myself to speak the words. No one deserved to be drafted, not even Billy. I knew how Phoebe felt about him. Her face fell and she ran from the kitchen and up the stairs. I stared at my mom, trying to express how sorry I was without saying anything. She understood.
As you may have guessed, the army didn’t accept me due to my bad ear. One of the first things they checked was my hearing, so hiding my hearing aid had made no difference. They knew right away that I wouldn’t pass, but they still made me go through the entire exam anyway.
I had doubted that they would reject me for my hearing. I was relieved, of course, but I also felt guilty in a way because, to me, it didn’t seem right. As I saw it, I could still do all the things any other enlisted man could do. I wondered why a simple loss of hearing in one ear would keep them from accepting me. It didn’t make sense. I didn’t want my friends and classmates to go off to war and leave me behind, it wasn’t fair to them. What if some of them never came back? My mind was a mess with guilt. I knew my parents were relieved, but my friends were going to do their duty. I wanted to do mine too.
Phoebe and I sat at the breakfast table, picking over pancakes Mom had prepared. It was funny in a way. Here we were about to lose the house and the farm, yet Mom had it in her to make pancakes and muffins instead of just a bowl of cold cereal. I guess it was her way of thinking about something else.
To this day, neither she nor Dad ever really talked to me or Phoebs about leaving our home. I figured that it was hardest on Dad when we left. It was the only home he’d ever had. To his credit, he never complained once. Neither did Mom for that matter.
Anyway, there we sat with little to say. I picked at my pancakes not really eating much. I loved pancakes but didn’t have much of an appetite that day.
“You gonna eat that?” Phoebs asked, through a mouthful of pancakes, pointing at the bran muffin on my plate.
“Maybe. Maybe not.”
“Can I have it?”
“That depends. How much you got on ya?” I asked, holding the muffin high as if I were an auctioneer.
“A million bucks and three Hawaiian Islands.”
“Sold! You just bo
ught yourself a muffin,” I said, handing it to her. She scooped the muffin into her hand and plopped it on her plate.
Dad walked in and sat still drinking a cup of coffee. He noticed the two muffins sitting on Phoebe’s plate. “You gonna eat both of those?”
At that, Phoebs knew she was going to have to fork one over. “No,” she said, and with a sigh she reluctantly handed Dad one of the muffins. “I just gave half of Hawaii for that!”
“Tough negotiator, huh?” Dad laughed, devouring the muffin.
I picked at my breakfast some more. Soon I figured I should let them know my plans for the day. “Dad, I need to go down to Bailey’s before the bus leaves at ten this morning.”
“The bus? What for?” he asked.
I looked straight across the table at him. “I should at least see them off.”
Phoebe let her fork fall to her plate with a clank. “Who?” she asked, desperately. “They’re leaving today? All of them?” She instantly knew what I was referring to.
“At ten,” I answered.
Phoebe looked around the room helplessly, quickly looking down at herself to see what she was wearing. “Take me with you,” she insisted. “I want to go with you.”
“I at least need to say goodbye to them,” I said again to Dad.
Agreeing, he nodded his head. “Take the truck,” he said. “And your sister too.”
I wrung my hands nervously, my food growing cold on the plate. I had lost my appetite. I had to go see my friends off before they left for basic training. I just had to. But, I didn’t know how I could see them off knowing I couldn’t join them, much less face them after what happened. It just wasn’t right.
When Phoebe and I pulled into the parking lot at Bailey’s, there were lots of people milling around. We spotted many familiar faces, local parents and family seeing off sons or brothers that were leaving for army training.
Before long, I spotted Asa and Billy standing together with their gear at their feet. Asa’s parents were there comforting him. Billy stood with his father next to him, neither man saying much of anything.
I was amazed at how many people had showed up. At least ten men were heading off to Biloxi. Not me though.
I approached Asa and Billy sheepishly, kicking the dirt a little and staring at my shoes when I reached them. Phoebe followed close behind, wide-eyed and quiet. This was a sad day for our little community.
I turned to Asa and Billy, amzaed to see them together after all the hell Billy gave Asa in school. Not as much as he did with me, but still he gave Asa a hard time. All that had changed particularly after our trip to Laurel.
“Hey guys,” I said.
“Nick, you made it,” Asa said, shaking my hand. He looked pretty nervous, but I couldn’t blame him.
“Havens,” Billy replied. “Hey Phoebe.”
“Hi Billy,” Phoebe answered. She didn’t know what to say at first.
The driver of the bus called for the men to board. They were leaving in five minutes. Asa’a parents gave him one last hug and then stepped away and held each other tight as he climbed aboard.
I yelled out to Asa, quickly approaching him, “Asa, you watch out for one another, okay? Just stay safe man. You’ll be alright.”
“Thanks Nick,” he said. “I better get on before I change my mind.”
I noticed that his hands were trembling. I could tell he knew I was staring at them.
“I can’t keep from shakin’,” he said, his voice cracking.
“Its okay buddy,” I assured him. “You’re gonna be alright, okay?”
Asa grudgingly climbed aboard the bus and shuffled his way down the aisle.
“Havens,” Billy called out to me. I whirled around to see him behind me, his satchel slung over his shoulder. “I never thought I’d say this, but I’m glad you showed up. Thanks.”
I shook his hand. “I should be going with you guys, you know? It ain’t right that you have to go and I don’t. I just want you to know I would be right there next to you guys in the thick of it if they hadn’t…”
“Its okay, Havens,” Billy cut me off. “This place needs somebody like you to stick around. Look after things.” He hitched up his satchel on his shoulder again. “I ain’t never said this, and I don’t know if anybody has either, but what you did to get that bad ear, was just as heroic as any of us will ever be. And, that’s all that counts. Just wanta ask you to do one thing for me though.”
I nodded as he leaned in closer so no one was else could hear.
“Look after your sister for me, okay?” he whispered.
“I will, Billy,” I assured him. “Good luck man.”
We shook hands and he turned to the bus. Before he could get on, Phoebe ran up to him. “Wait!” she cried. “Please don’t get on that bus, Billy.”
Billy dropped his satchel and hugged her. She held him tight and sobbed. I turned away to give them a moment together.
“I’m sorry, Phoebe,” he started. “It won’t be forever though. We’ll be back soon, I promise. I’ll write to you too.”
“Will you?” she said, looking up at him.
“You know it.”
“I’ll write you back too, I promise I will.” She said, thin lines of tears streaming down her face. “There are so many things I want to tell you. I just wish I had done it before. I…”
“Time to go, son,” the bus driver said impatiently
“I know. I do too. But, you still can,” Billy said. “Put it in the letters, okay? Tell me everything about you and everything you’re doing, okay? I’ll do the same. You’ll be the first person I look up when I get back.”
She wiped the tears from her face and pulled something from her pocket. “Here,” she said. “Take these and press ‘em in a diary or something. Every time you need to think about home, just look at these, okay?”
She handed him three small wildflowers she had picked on the side of the road. Holding them in his hand tightly, Billy leaned forward and kissed her. I knew she had never been kissed before, but Phoebe didn’t seem to mind as he placed another small kiss on her lips and hugged her once more. Without another word, he climbed aboard the bus, the doors shutting behind him.
The bus slowly pulled away and began towards Biloxi. Soon, the parking lot was empty and quiet once again. Everyone was gone except for Phoebe and me, standing on the side of the road, watching the bus until it finally disappeared over the horizon. At that, Phoebe shuffled back to the truck and got inside the cab. I continued to stand there and stare down the road, still thinking how wrong it was that I was staying behind.
I didn’t know it, but someone else had come to see the boys off too. She had been sitting on the porch in front of the store when I finally noticed her. She rose, soon standing next to me and staring off in the same direction. She reached out and placed her hand in mine, and I squeezed it right back. I almost wanted to cry right then and there. I can’t tell you how much that gesture meant to me right at that moment. It was like she had been sent down from Heaven.
Janey must have known what I was feeling. And to be honest, I was never so glad to see her in all my life. And, as time went on, if it weren’t for her I would have never finally made peace with myself.
“Its okay, Nick” she said softly, still staring down the road. She finally turned to look at me. I turned my head, noticing her sorrowful expression. “It doesn’t matter what happened. I’m just glad that you’re here.”