“You don’t understand.” I hung my head and sighed. “Nat, I messed up. But that’s not it. It’s not even what happened. It’s the fact that I’m still so damn messed up. I crack under the pressure and then to make myself feel better, I let you consume me. I let us consume me.”
“Why is that bad?” She reached for my hand, but I jerked away.
“Why isn’t using my own girlfriend for sex bad? Seriously, Nat? I love you, but I’m using you. Don’t you get it? I can’t get over everything. How could I possibly get over everything when all I’ve ever done is try to keep everyone together? When we moved here I was so focused on Demetri keeping his shit together, I just pushed mine away. When I met you it was such a breath of fresh air. It was like I could finally breathe again. But it’s not enough.”
“Not enough?” Her voice wavered. “I’m not enough?”
“Shit. It’s not that, Nat, and you know it.”
“I use you to feel better.” I’d said it. I’d finally admitted it out loud, and I felt like a complete and total asshole. I’d felt guilty about what happened last year, but more than anything I felt guilty for what I had been doing to Nat.
I went off drugs only to find a new addiction — something to mask the pain.
Her.
“Use me, as in…?”
“Sex.” I closed my eyes. “I use you, Nat. I love you, don’t get me wrong, but every time I’m stressed, every time my past haunts me, I don’t go to alcohol. It doesn’t work. I don’t go to pills. They never did much. I go to you. I can’t survive without you.”
Nat pushed away from me and stood. “It’s not about sex.”
“But it is, Nat. For me it is.”
“Not for me.” Her chest heaved as she fought for air and began pacing in front of me.
I stood and joined her, grabbing her hands as I said, “Maybe in a way you’re right. It’s not about sex. It’s not even about being physical, Nat. It’s the damning reality that the minute I met you, I met someone I could share my soul with. Sharing my body was one thing, but sharing my soul? I can’t get that back. I don’t want to get that back. But the worst part is, after everything that’s happened, I still want you to have a piece of me, even if it’s only a little bit. Just like I still want a piece of you even though it hurts so much I want to scream myself to sleep. I’ve always wanted you. I just didn’t realize until it was too late how much I craved you — needed you in order to function. Maybe, just maybe, this was a good thing, because you can’t learn how to function as a couple if, when separated, you fall apart.”
“What about me?” Nat sobbed against my chest. “What about us? I don’t understand! Why is it such a bad thing? Why can’t we get through this together?”
I sighed into her hair, memorizing her scent. “Because I never got through it alone, Nat.”
“But I can help. I can—”
I kissed her hard across the mouth. “Do you feel this?” I said against her lips. “I want to forget this whole damn conversation. I want to lose myself in you.”
“Then do it.” She arched against me. I backed up and cursed.
“Nat, it’s not healthy. Don’t you see? Don’t you see how you’ll live to resent me? Live to resent us? This? What we have? It isn’t balanced — it isn’t healthy.”
“Oh, and you’re the expert on healthy relationships, Alec?” she snapped.
“No. I just know you deserve to be in one.”
“I want you. Only you.” Her shoulders shook.
“I want you too. But just because I want you doesn’t make it right, Nat. Just because I love you doesn’t make it okay to keep using you the way I am.”
“So that’s it?” Thick tears ran down her cheeks.
I cursed and ran my hands through my hair. “Yeah, Nat. That’s it.”
“So what happens now?” She wiped some moisture from her cheeks and crossed her arms protectively over her chest.
I would forever remember that moment. During those lonely nights when I was tempted to do something stupid, I’d remember the look of betrayal on her face. I’d remember the way her tears even seemed to look beautiful as her clear eyes searched mine for the one thing I couldn’t give her — reassurance.
“I stop hurting you.” I cleared my throat. “I’m sorry, Nat. But this is goodbye.”
She sank to her knees on the deck.
I fought with every ounce of will power I still possessed to walk away.
And I did.
I left the girl I loved — the only girl who would ever hold a piece of my heart — crying alone outside. The very fact that I could do that proved to me yet again that I was a lesser man than she deserved. One day… one day she would thank me for being strong enough to walk away. I just hoped I would live to see it. Because at that moment I wanted nothing more than to die.
Chapter Twenty-six
Demetri
“Dude, where you going?” I asked as Alec breezed past me and ran upstairs.
I was just getting ready to follow him when I heard Alyssa curse, bless her heart.
“Demetri!” she yelled louder. I turned around. She was holding Nat and rocking her back and forth. Holy shit. I’d have killed him with my bare hands.
I ran outside and pulled Nat into my arms. I looked over her head and mouthed to Alyssa, “What happened?”
Her eyes were filled with helpless tears. She shrugged and kept shaking her head over and over again.
I jerked my head toward the doorway for Alyssa to give us some time. I mean, I knew Alyssa and Nat were close, but I felt like I was Nat’s brother. I needed to fix this. I had to do something. Damn, I could have killed my brother right then.
“What happened?” I used my thumbs to wipe the tears from her eyes as she choked on a sob. “Nat, what happened? Are you hurt? Are you okay?”
“My heart h-hurts.” She cried harder.
I couldn’t just leave her. Alec was damn lucky that she was clinging to me, otherwise I would be bloodying my knuckles for the second time that night. What the hell was wrong with everyone?
“As in you’re having a heart attack, Nat? Or metaphorically? Help me out, girl, because I don’t know whether to strangle my brother or take you to the ER.”
Nat began to hyperventilate. Shit. “Nat, listen to me, you’re going to pass out if you keep doing that.” I looked around for something and nearly cried with gratitude when Alyssa showed up with a paper bag and handed it to Nat.
I was getting ready to say something helpful when Alyssa interrupted me. “I know you’re hurting right now, Nat. I know you’re upset, but this isn’t good. Do you understand? This isn’t healthy. You can stop breathing, and if you stop breathing…” She trailed off and held Nat’s face in her hands. “Do you get what I’m saying? You can’t just think about yourself right now, okay?”
“A little harsh, Lyss.”
Ignoring me, she placed the bag into Nat’s hands and slowly showed her how to breathe in and out. “That’s it, you’re doing great. Just keep breathing, okay? I’m going to send Demetri inside, and then we can talk, okay?”
Nat nodded.
Feeling a little un-needed, and weirded out about why my girlfriend would be the one out of all of us to give tough love during a panic attack, I got up and walked back inside.
Angelica was staring at the floor. Not moving. Just staring.
Right.
I went in search of Jaymeson, but he was nowhere to be found.
Finally, I took the steps two at a time in search of Alec.
Jaymeson was in Alec’s room. With the rest of the camera crew.
“You slept with my mother!” Jaymeson punched Alec across the jaw. Alec was a big dude, no lie. I was already trying to grow balls enough to attack him, let alone pick a fight. Jaymeson wasn’t small, but he was British. I didn’t mean that in a bad way. It’s just… well, he was a bit more wiry than Alec. Built differently. Alec had at least twenty pounds of muscle on Jaymeson.
“Sorry,” Alec
said, his face already starting to swell. “But before you go blaming me for everything, you should talk to your mom, Jaymeson. You’ve got a pretty screwed up family.”
“You think I don’t know that?” Jaymeson yelled, pushing Alec away from him. “I hate them! I hate them both and you’ve just made it worse.” His voice cracked. “Because of them, I hate one of my best friends too.”
I walked in the room, hands up. I wanted no more punches thrown. I just wanted the truth.
And then I saw the suitcase.
Oh, hell no. “What are you doing?” I pointed at the suitcase in utter disbelief. “Are we all going somewhere?
I looked at Ruben, but he refused to make eye contact.
“I’m leaving.” Alec pushed Jaymeson out of the way and grabbed some more shirts, tossing them into the suitcase.
“Do I have to go too?” I asked, still confused. Why the hell would he leave?
“Nope.” The sound of Alec zipping up the suitcase may as well have been fingernails on a chalkboard.
“What the hell is going on?”
Alec turned to me. A look of pure desperation mixed with guilt clouded his features. “I can’t do it anymore. It’s not fair to her. It’s not fair to you. I was using—” He licked his lips. “It doesn’t matter. Congrats, Demetri, you finally won. You should be proud.”
“Proud?” I spat. “My best friend and brother is leaving me to rot in this hell hole. Not to mention he just broke one of my best friend’s hearts, and you want me to be proud? I want to freaking murder you right now!”
“Get in line,” Jaymeson said from behind me.
“Do it. Maybe I’ll feel better.” Alec stood in front of me. “Or you could move.”
“Why would I do that?” I met his gaze.
“Because I need this.” His voice cracked, and his nostrils flared and there it was. The same desperation I had seen in the mirror for the better part of two years. “I need this so damn bad. And I can’t… I can’t keep hurting people I love.”
“When will you be back?”
He walked past me and paused in the doorway. “I don’t know.”
“She may not ever forgive you, Alec. Don’t walk away from her. Battle your demons with her.”
“They’ll consume us both,” he whispered. “I can’t… I just can’t.”
“Then you’re a coward,” I whispered under my breath, hoping he wouldn’t hear me.
In an instant Alec was in front of me. He lifted me and pushed me against the wall, holding onto my favorite shirt like it was a noose around my neck. “Don’t you dare say I’m a coward! Do you know how damn hard it is to walk away? You don’t. Because you’ve always faced things head on, and wonder-of-all-wonders, it all worked out for you. It just took near death to get your head screwed on straight.” The man had a point.
“Not everyone is like you, Demetri. Not everyone is willing to jump off that cliff and have faith that everything’s going to be okay.”
He released his hold and cursed. “A coward would stay, man. A coward would crawl into his shell and pretend that the damn sun was still shining. A coward would use every excuse in the book to lie to himself, to lie to the person he loved while he slowly destroyed the light in her eyes. I’m not a coward. I’m walking away before I hurt her more. I’m walking away before I destroy the most important person in my existence.”
“And what about you?” I called after him as he grabbed his large suitcase. “What will you do?”
“Be the man she deserves without using her to block away my past.”
I let him go.
I walked slowly out of the room with the camera crew. I knew I wasn’t the only one sweating after that little exchange. Jaymeson muttered a curse next to me and ran down the stairs. After tonight he really was going to need plastic surgery to fix some of the cuts on his face, not to mention veneers for the missing teeth.
Alec slammed the door behind him.
The SUV started.
And I have to admit I waited for him to get over it and come back. I waited for two hours before I finally gave up and went into my room for some sleep.
Alyssa was quietly sitting on my bed, her hands folded in her lap.
Crap, something was up.
“Spill.” I lay down next to her and patted the spot beside me. She lay down next to me and sighed.
“I swore I wouldn’t say anything.”
“Well, now you have to tell me.” I yawned. “But please let it be soon because I’ve had probably the worst night of my life.”
“Even worse than that time you dreamt seagulls broke through your window and were swarming your room?” she joked.
“Hilarious. And yes, even worse than that. Though, no lie, that possibility still creeps me out.”
“We have a problem.”
“We? What’s this we business?” I pulled her over me so she was straddling me, her hair cascaded over her me like a waterfall, tickling my jaw.
Taking a deep breath she blurted, “Nat’s pregnant.”
Shit.
Chapter Twenty-seven
Alec
I drove for hours. Basically I went in circles. I had intentions of going to the airport and flying home.
Instead I went where I should have gone the minute I fell for Nat. The minute I saw myself falling into old habits and pushing everything away.
She was my last hope. I knocked twice and waited.
“Alec?” The door opened. Mrs. Murray stepped out. “What are you doing? It’s late. Where’s Nat?”
My mouth opened. I tried to speak but nothing came out except for a cross between a curse and a whimper.
“Come on.” Mrs. Murray, my old shrink and the original reason for AD2 settling in Seaside for a year, and of course, as luck would have it, Nat’s mom, let me into her small office off the living room.
I sat on the couch, suddenly exhausted.
“Am I Nat’s mom or your shrink?” Mrs. Murray asked softly.
“If you were Nat’s mom you’d castrate me,” I muttered. “So please be the shrink. Put on the professional hat, sit back, pull out your notepad, and fix this.”
“Fix what?”
I shuddered. “Me. Fix me.”
“I can’t fix you.”
“You fixed Demetri.”
“Demetri fixed himself.” Mrs. Murray’s pen clicked in the background. “I just gave him the steps toward that.”
“I need more than steps. I need a freaking map with stickers that say, Go This Way.”
“Alec…” Mrs. Murray cleared her throat. “Let’s start at the beginning.”
“The beginning?” I repeated, clenching my eyes shut as I fought to keep all of the memories tightly sealed. “I—I can’t.”
“You can.”
I thought of Nat, of her smile, and why I couldn’t be with her. I thought of all the different ways I had failed her. I couldn’t fail her now. There were so many secrets, so many lies, so many things I had kept to myself and never told Demetri because I knew it would destroy him. I had thought him too weak to deal with it, so I did it for him. In my own ridiculous way, I handled things. I just ignored them and ignored how they ate at my soul every single day.
I took a few deep breaths and answered, “My dad. It starts with my dad.”
“When he died of cancer?”
“No…” My hands shook as tears streamed down my face. “When he adopted my brother.”
“Your brother?” she asked, breathless.
“Demetri. We adopted Demetri.”
I heard the pen drop to the floor. And I could have sworn Mrs. Murray muttered a swear word before she cleared her throat. “I take it he doesn’t know.”
“You think?” I snapped. “Sorry, that was rude.”
“Why didn’t you tell him?”
“I kept it from him.” I sighed. “When our dad was dying he said he didn’t want Demetri to go on without knowing the truth. I promised my dad I would tell Demetri when he was older, when he was
ready. I mean, I’m only a year and a half older than him. It’s not like I was super mature at the time anyways. But I gave him my word.”
“What happened?”
I opened my eyes and looked at the ceiling. “My family was always involved in the music industry, so when we got famous I hid the truth. We had no family left. And honestly, I was selfish. Technically, Demetri had family left and I didn’t. The story was that a girl from our town had gotten pregnant at sixteen. My parents had always wanted another kid and for some reason they couldn’t have any more after me. So they adopted him. Didn’t say a word. The girl finished high school and got married. But my dad lied. She wasn’t just a girl. She was one of his boss’s daughters, a record exec to be exact. So for years Demetri has basically known his mother, but never really known her. I didn’t even know who she was until it was too late. Guess where she lives?”
“I’m not sure I want to.”
“L.A.,” I finished. “She lives in L.A. Once we really made it, I told myself I wasn’t being selfish keeping Demetri to myself. I mean, he was all I had, and I was jealous he had something I didn’t. He was the favorite you know.”
I sounded seriously ridiculous but I just kept talking. “My parents loved him. They called him sunshine. I may as well have been rain.”
“I’m sure both your parents loved you equally.”
“They did.” I bit my lower lip. “I know that now. And I regret doing what I did. The funny thing? I still have her contact information in my pocket. Dad wrote it on a sticky note at the hospital. You have no idea how many times I’ve wished I could go back and call that damn number.”
Mrs. Murray cleared her throat. “Who is she?”
I didn’t want to say. I mean I really didn’t want to say. I would rather rip off my fingernails one by one than admit who his mom was — admit that she still cared for Demetri and that she was basically off her rocker in more ways than one.
So many lies.
Too many lies.
I swallowed. “Jayemson’s step-mom is Demetri’s real mom.”
Silence.
“Yeah.”