Chapter 5
Sharing Experiences
Alton sighed deeply and, with a pained expression, continued, "Sometime later, I came to myself and discovered I was in a large room with many other people. It startled me, because there were such awful expressions on their faces. And their actions were unlike people with sane minds. Some were grinning silly grins, some were crying, some were giggling, some were playing simple games like children, some had runny noses, and some were frothing at the mouth. I sat quietly and watched while an awful fear gripped my being. This was a mental institution, I concluded. What was I doing here? I felt dazed as if I was going to faint, and then I recalled the last scene of which I was consciously aware, Bud lying in the street covered with blood. Horror took hold of me. I looked around for someone who could help me and my eyes fell on a man dressed in white, whom I presumed to be a hospital attendant.”
" 'Hey fella,' I cried, but there was so much noise that he could not possibly hear me. I stood to my feet, but my knees felt as if they would buckle under me. But in spite of my unsteady steps, I slowly made my way to where the man stood.”
" 'Hey fella,' I repeated, 'What am I doing in this awful place? Where is my brother? Is he dead? Tell me, man, is Bud dead?' ”
“He looked at me sympathetically, but did not answer. My voice was getting louder as I shrieked at him, 'Where is Bud?' When he still did not answer, I reached out to get a hold on him. I intended to shake him until I could get the truth from him, but he seemed to read my mind and rushed from the room. I started after him, but my knees buckled under me and I fell to the floor. I started screaming and beating on the floor with my fists until I saw the blood oozing from them, then I lost consciousness.”
“Later, I don't know how much later, I awoke and discovered I was in bed. I tried to get up but I was strapped to the bed. I could not so much as move my arms for they, too, were strapped. There was moaning and groaning all around me, and as my eyes became accustomed to the dim light in the room, I noticed rows of beds with people in them. Most of them were restrained with straps as I was. The very sight of it made me nauseated. I wondered what time it was, but saw no one to ask, so I just lay silently waiting--waiting--for what, I didn't know.”
"After a long while, or so it seemed, a nurse came in and stood by my bed. I looked at her as she asked, 'How are you today?' I did not answer but asked a question of my own. 'What am I doing here? Do you people think I'm crazy?' “
"She laughed as if I had told her a funny joke and started taking my blood pressure.”
"I said, 'Look, why don't you tell me something? How long have I been in this gruesome place? Where is my brother? Did he die when the car struck him?' “
"She laid the blood pressure kit aside and looked at me strangely. Calling me by my name, she said, 'You're better, aren't you?' “
" 'Yes,' I tried to be calm though I felt panicky within. 'Tell me about my brother. And where are my parents? I want to see them.' Again I tried to raise up. 'Hey, why don't you take these straps off me? I want out of this bed and away from these lunatics. I can't stand all this moaning and groaning and cursing and carrying on. It's getting to me. Please do something for me, Nurse, before I crack up.' “
" 'I'll tell you what, Alton, you just lie back and relax and we will contact your parents and have them come see you. How's that?' She smiled at me as she wrote something on a chart. 'Here now, let me check your blood pressure.' “
"After this occurrence, my mind would come and go. There were times when they would wrap me in wet sheets and give me electrical shocks, which the doctor claimed was what finally brought me out.”
"I remember the first meeting with my dear parents, at least it was the first that I was aware of. Two of the hospital attendants came to my ward and informed me that my parents were in the visiting room, waiting to see me. The attendants accompanied me for a visit with them. I'll never forget that meeting. When they pushed open the door that led into the visiting room, I would never have recognized them except under the circumstances. My, how they had aged. I thought I had been in that place for years, but later found out it had been only four months. The grief over Bud and me had caused my parents to age overnight.”
"My dad took a step toward me and then stopped to let Mother greet me first. The tears were falling like rain, even though they were doing all within their power to be calm.”
" 'My dear boy,' Mother whispered as she hugged me close. 'My dear son, Alton. We love you, Son.' Her thin body was trembling with emotion as well as her voice. “
"Then Dad embraced me. He couldn't seem to say a word. Oh, how I wept on his big shoulder. I felt like a little boy again.”
"We sat together on a couch, and the very first thing I wanted to know was about Bud. But they tried every way they could to evade my questions. The aides had evidently been instructed to stay in the room, and my parents would glance at them helplessly each time I would mention Bud's name.”
"I said, 'Tell me, Dad, for I must know. Is Bud dead?' When he wouldn't answer, I felt myself getting hysterical. 'Tell me,' I screamed. 'He is dead, isn't he? You're not fooling me, Dad. He's gone--he's gone--he's gone--' “
"The aides rushed over and grabbed my arms and that was the last I remember.”
"I don't know how long it was before I was allowed a visit with my parents again but I was much improved when I met them in the visiting room again. This time a doctor was present.”
"I was determined to get the truth out of them about Bud, but I knew I would have to be calm if I did. So I let them talk a few minutes before I asked, 'Now, tell me about Bud. You know I've got to know and I'm better and stronger, so why don't you tell me all about it?' “
"The doctor walked over and laid his hand on my shoulder. 'Your brother passed away a few hours after the wreck, Alton. I'm sorry to have to give you this news.' “
"Again, I panicked. Though I had guessed the truth, yet to hear it as an actual fact was too much for me to bear. Again I became hysterical. Someone grabbed me and the next thing I knew, I was restrained again.”
"The complete recuperation took several more months, but little by little, with the help of the electrical shocks and other treatment, I began to improve. During one of my visits with Dad, I insisted he tell me all about the tragedy. He was very reluctant, but I was so persistent that he relinquished his resolve to not discuss it with me, and began.”
" 'Mother and I were sitting on the porch when you and Bud ran out of the house that day. I wanted to go after you, but Mother stopped me. She said you were only quarreling and there was no need of me getting involved. I felt awfully uneasy but thought that perhaps Mother was right. She usually seemed to have more wisdom than I.' “
" 'Sometime later, as we were still sitting on the porch, a policeman drove up and told us we were wanted at the Mercy Hospital, that there had been an accident. We were horrified and went expecting the worst. Bud was in emergency, and they were having a time with you. You were screaming, cursing, and striking out at everyone in your reach. They strapped you on a bed and gave you a shot to calm you. They said it was shock and you would get over it, but when you didn't, we had to let them bring you here.' His voice trembled as he recalled the awful tragedy. After a moment's hesitation, he continued, 'Bud lived only four hours after they brought him out of the operating room. He aroused once and spoke.' “
" 'What did he say, Dad? What did Bud say?' I asked impatiently. “
" 'He said, 'Alton, go back to that place.' Then his voice trailed off and I leaned over him as he was trying to say more. 'What is it, Son?' I asked. 'Find God's love,' he mumbled, 'Hope--for--you, Alton.' Again his voice trailed off and he never spoke again, I have often wondered what he meant.' “
"My, how those words gripped my heart. I was grieved until I thought I would die. My mind would come and go, and at times I wished it would leave me altogether so that I would never have to think of my dear departed Bud again.”
"It w
as eleven months, altogether, before I was finally discharged and sent home, but I had become an entirely different boy by then. I no longer had to battle against the drink habit, for the long months of convalescence had lessened the desire for it. My moods were changeable, but most of the time I was very sullen. I missed Bud so badly that I contemplated suicide. But slowly time dimmed the ache and loneliness in my heart, and I was enabled to live a normal life, almost. It was then I purposed to do something to help others who had fallen into the same snare that Bud and I had fallen into. I discussed my plans with Mother and Dad, and they were so pleased for me to undertake something worthwhile, that they have cooperated fully with me. Bless their dear hearts. I have spent about all the money I make trying to help others. Some we have been able to help, but needless to say, many have gone back to the same old habits after leaving here. Some have been very grateful while others have taken the attitude that the world owes them help.”
"Now, Jim, you have my story. I hope you now understand some of the things that have perplexed you."
Jim listened attentively to all Alton had told him. Now, he spoke tenderly, "Yes, Alton, I do understand, but tell me something."
"And what could that be, Jim?"
"Have you ever gone back to the place where you heard the girl sing?"
Alton dropped his eyes from Jim's earnest gaze. "No, Jim, not yet, but some day I intend to."
Jim's disappointment was revealed on his countenance. Alton patted his hand as he said, "I'll tell you what, Jim. Just as soon as you are able, we will go together. O. K.?"
"O. K." Jim smiled at him. "Say, Alton, may I ask you one more question?"
"Sure, Jim."
"You mentioned a sister. Where is she? I haven't seen her around. Is she married?"
"No, she's not married. She had an unfortunate romance, and it has completely soured her on men. She still lives with my mother's sister at Cypress Hills. She has a good job there as a receptionist at a medical clinic. I understand she wants to return home, though, if she can find work here. They have a new enterprise opening up in Batesville next year, so maybe with her experience, she can get a job here."
Extending his hand, he said, "I must run now, Jim, but I will be by tomorrow to hear about your life before coming here."
Alton was back the next day as promised. Jim had been in bed since he had left the day before. He had done lots of thinking and his heart was greatly troubled as he mentally reviewed his past life.
"How are you today, Jim?" Alton greeted him, shaking the outstretched hand. "Do you feel like talking? It will do you good. What about your past life? Where are you from and why did you ever start drinking? Do you have a family? Who is Mary? Forgive me, friend, for asking so many questions, but there is so much I would like to know about you, if you would be pleased to tell me."
Jim took a deep breath, cleared his throat, and reluctantly started telling of his past. Since he owed these people his very life, he felt he should be honest with them.
First, he told a little about his life before he married Lola. "There were three children in our family: myself, a brother, and a sister. We were dirt poor since my poor old daddy had a drinking problem. Sometimes when he would be drunk, he would give me and my brother a drink. He called it a 'snort.' I suppose that's why I took to drinking as I did. As sorry as I am to admit it, my own daddy started me and my brother on that road.
"I had known my wife, Lola, who is now deceased, for most of my life. We lived in the same neighborhood and grew up together. But her family was different from mine. Her grandmother was a religious fanatic and took Lola to Sunday School every Sunday. In fact, she got me to go a time or two, but I felt out of place with my patched overalls. Lola's parents didn't attend church much, but they sure put up a howl when Lola and I began to get serious. Well, we ended up running away to get married. That like to have killed her folks, for they did not want their daughter marrying the town drunk's son, especially since I was following in his footsteps and drank myself.
"We didn't stick around my home town long after we married, but moved down where my brother and his wife lived. We'd heard there was money to be made in the shrimping and oyster business when they were in season. Anyway, we made a couple of more moves and finally settled down out in the country at Cricket Hollow.
"My wife and I were both young when we married. She was seventeen and I was nineteen. We really loved each other. It wasn't this infatuation stuff. And at first, we were happy together even though we didn't have much. A year after we married, a little son was born to us which seemed to make our lives complete. But our happiness was short-lived, for when our little darling was two, he just disappeared. It was a mysterious thing. We never did know what happened to that baby. My wife had gotten him to sleep and put him on the bed that she and I slept on. Later, she went to see about him and he was gone. She was frantic when I got in from work and we put out the alarm in the neighborhood, but we never found one trace of him. We never could make ourselves believe that someone kidnapped him, so the only thing we could imagine was that he had gotten off the bed and wandered away from the cabin and perhaps drowned somewhere in the swamp nearby. It has remained a mystery and caused untold heartache and grief. Lola and I, both, had just set our hearts on that baby. We thought the sun rose and set in our Billy Boy, so you can see what a fix that threw us in, not even knowing what happened to him.
"A few days after Billy disappeared, another baby boy was born, but the vacancy left by Baby Billy could not be satisfactorily filled.
"I tried to be a man and make the best of things, but my wife seemed to draw herself into a shell and nothing could penetrate it.
"In a couple of more years, another boy was born. Lola was so bitter by then, that I began to ramble around and drink more than ever. Somehow, between drinking bouts, I was able to make enough money to keep my family from starving. It's a wonder that I provided even as well as I did, for I was literally bound to the bottle, shackled as with chains. I wanted to get free, but I couldn't. I tried over and over to reform but I always ended up in failure.
"In spite of our deplorable condition, three more children were born, all of them girls. I regret to say that I never showed any affection for them. I just kinda left that to my wife. After I had set my heart on Billy Boy as I did and lost him, well, I just didn't want to get too attached to the others. I have to admit it wasn't always easy to refrain myself. When my baby, Mary, looked up at me with those big brown eyes, I just wanted to let myself go and pick her up and cuddle her on my knee."
Continuing the account of his life, Jim told of his wife's death and how a few weeks later he had left his children and had not seen them or heard of them since. He held no hopes of ever seeing them alive again, as no doubt they had all died of starvation.
He related his story brokenly. "I have always wanted to blame my wife for driving me away and to drink because of her bitterness, but as I looked down into that dear sweet face the night she passed away, I realized that with a little understanding on the part of both of us, things could have been different. I begged her to forgive me right before she died, and somehow, I believe she heard me and did forgive me for it seemed she smiled." As he finished, he broke down and sobbed.
Alton waited until he had quieted, and then spoke, "Jim, did I understand you correctly? Did you say you left five children alone with very little food to eat, more than a month ago?"
"Yes, Alton," Jim turned his face away in shame. "I have as good as murdered my children."
Alton jumped to his feet, "Man, we have to do something quickly. Maybe there is yet hope. Maybe a miracle might have happened."
Jim mustered all the strength he possessed and got out of bed. A dim ray of hope shone in his eyes. Yes, they would have to do something and do it quickly. Was it possible that a miracle could have happened in the behalf of his precious children? They would return immediately to the little cabin and find out for themselves.