They’re acting weird and I know they’re up to something.
Fred and Klein dragged me to Quantum and played basketball for three straight hours, I want to cry in frustration.
“C’mon Boss! Let’s take a bet. Whoever loses treats dinner, ‘kay?” Fred said while his eyebrows rise and fall. His eyebrows. Every time I see them I can’t help but laugh. Janella shaved them so damn great they looked like pedestrian lanes. Just great!
“I don’t feel like spending money today. Let’s go home –” I tried to drag him along but he refused. He pulled himself back and glared at me.
Oh really? “You’ll let me go or I’ll smash your face?”
“But Boss –”
“Klein, you know what to do.” By the time I raised my finger in the air, Klein just smiled as he locked his grip around Fred’s arms and pulled him away from me.
“BOOOOOSS!”
I drove home with the both of them frantic over whatever. They’ve been talking in hushed voices and from time to time, their phones would ring and they’d talk to whomever. I paid them no more attention.
By the time I reached the front door, Fred stopped me. He told me about using a back door or something else that sounded like I looked like hell. I spanked him at that.
“Boss, please. I have no involvement in this, in any kind whatsoever, this is not what I wanted –” Instead of letting him finish whatever he’s saying, I just turned the knob and walked in my house.
Only to regret it afterwards.
Party poppers burst in both sides of me, spewing confetti all around. Past the little pieces of crepe papers, I saw faces, happy faces. I saw balloons and banners saying “Happy Birthday.” I saw tables and chairs and foods and everything colorful. I saw their lips singing something I don’t hear.
The silent throbbing of that thing inside my rib cage was what I heard. My fists clenched, unclenched, clenched, unclenched itself one, two, three times maybe, I lost count. I can’t feel my limbs. I can’t feel my muscles as they tremble layer by layer.
I am angry.
Then she came in.
She came in wearing her usual smile that used to make me feel okay, but not right now. She came in with a large cake on her hands and she’s singing.
I hear her.
Blinking my anger away, I swallowed the large lump on my throat before I could say, “What’s this?”
“A birthday surprise! HAPPY BIRTHDAY BD!”
I don’t know what happened. All I know was all of my strings snapped and I was angry. Everything happened so fast, I could barely see anything clear. I didn’t know that I smashed the cake she was bringing into her face. It wasn’t my fault.
I didn’t know I destroyed everything they called nice and threw every single item on the tables to the floor. It wasn’t my fault.
I didn’t know I yelled at Janella’s face with words that sounded like bullshit or get a fucking life. It wasn’t my fault.
I was angry and they’re bullshit.
Then I ran.
It was my eighth birthday when I demanded her to go home.
I called her that night. I told her she should come home to me. That I would ran away if she won’t. She said, “Yes, baby. I will come home,”
But she didn’t.
I stared at my bleeding hands. I laughed at my sudden realization that plates could hurt me so bad.
“Ma, do you know what irritates me most? It’s when she thinks she’s helping but the truth is she’s not.”
I read the letters which shaped her name and caressed the white stone. It was a little mossy that I took out my Swiss knife to clean it. I scratched scratched scratched and I was tempted to slash my wrist with it. I changed my mind.
“It’s Janella,” I said, still scratching the white stone. “She prepared for my birthday. There were music, colorful backgrounds and it looked gay. I took it as an insult, very offending and stupid. You know so well that I don’t celebrate this stupid day because it’s a day of misfortune, bad luck, nightmare, even. This day sucks and I am angry because I lost you in this stupid misfortunate day, and it’s all because of me. And it keeps on coming back to me I’d go crazy,”
“But Mrs. Kim, today is his birthday,” said that familiar voice beside me. Why’s she here? For how long have she been here? “I just wanted him to be happy, that’s all. A friend would always want her friend to be happy,”
“But Ma, I am not happy.” I said, not regarding that Foot Face beside me.
“But Mrs. Kim, he can only say those words because he’s not used to be happy on this day,”
“MA it’s your death anniversary today and she’s asking me to be happy? I’M NOT THAT INSANE.”
“MRS. KIM can you tell your son that the words “move on” exist for a reason?”
“MAAAAA!”
“MRS. KIM!”
I turned to face her. Her face was still covered with chocolate icing and I wasn’t guilty for any of it. She glared at me and I returned her twice as that. She spanked me, I smacked her in return. She choked me to death, I choked her, too.
“Don’t you dare speak to me again!” she yelled at me.
“And don’t you dare come near me again!” I stood up and ran as fast as I could.
She’s one heck of a catastrophe. She ruins every single thing and it pisses me off big time. She annoys the hell out of me that I want to push her off the cliff.