Read Sherlock Dog Page 7

triggered the alarm and he returned to Bill to wait for their magic hour. Twenty minutes later, little ol' me walks into the stockroom and fatefully decides to climb up to look for the bats. I'm not going to repeat what happened in the stockroom: you know it already.

  "So anyway, as we ran from the store, Scruffy shouted at me to 'head for the duck pond' but 'not along 4th Street.' Bill was calling his third friend, who was supposed to meet them with the car: telling him to 'come now!'

  "I didn't want to reach the duck pond and the getaway car too quickly, so I took a zigzag route: the one I used to take with Sherlock Dog, before he was banned from the neighbourhood. This suited Bill and Scruffy just fine once they heard the police sirens: it sounded as if all the main roads were crawling with patrol cars.

  "We were only a few turns from the park when the Baskerville's hound, here, hurtled from the shadows and took down Scruffy. Bill ran off, and made it to the getaway car. I heard there was a great chasedown on the freeway, ending with the getaway car (a '90s Honda Civic hatchback) being pitted a few hundred yards before the Center Street exit.

  "Apparently, the trio had planned to stock up on cigarettes to sell on the black market: one hundred percent profit, no taxes and no minimum ages. Sherlock Dog must have smelled their growing stash; I thought he smelled bats; I told my crew the exterminator was coming: and Bill panicked. He decided they had better run with what they had.

  Ubu said, "But he knew they would trigger the alarm, when they ran out at 3:00; and then he would be caught on camera going out."

  "Yes, but he'd have thousands of dollars in cigarettes to make up for the loss of his minimum-wage job. The exterminator goes all about the stockroom when he visits, setting traps and just poking about. Bill couldn't be sure of any new hiding place. Exposure was imminent, or at least probable. Bill would lose his job, and he would have no cigarettes.

  "How's your job?" asked Ubu.

  "Well, I've been formally reprimanded for trying to solve the thing myself. Only, I didn't solve it myself. I didn't solve it at all. John Watson is not the world's only consulting detective; he doesn't solve cases; his conclusions are always inaccurate or incomplete. Sherlock knows this, but loves him anyway."(o)

  "Right, Sherlock Dog?"

  I wagged my tail. I love my idiot Mommy.

  ***~~~***

  Tailnotes

  Mommy's funny little brain is full of Sherlock, Hobbits and cheese. Here are the people responsible and what they're responsible for:

  Doyle, Sir Arthur Conan. "A Scandal in Bohemia." Sherlock Holmes: The Complete Novels and Stories. Vol. 1. New York: Bantam Dell, 1986. 239-63.

  Doyle, Sir Arthur Conan. "The Sign of Four." Sherlock Holmes: The Complete Novels and Stories. Vol. 1. New York: Bantam Dell, 1986. 123-236.

  Doyle, Sir Arthur Conan. "A Study in Scarlet." Sherlock Holmes: The Complete Novels and Stories. Vol. 1. New York: Bantam Dell, 1986. 3-120.

  Doyle, Sir Arthur Conan. "The Three Garridebs." Sherlock Holmes: The Complete Novels and Stories. Vol. 2. New York: Bantam Dell, 1986. 610-626.

  Kaiser Permanente Healthwise Handbook. Boise, Idaho: Healthwise, Incorporated, 2000.

  Sherlock: A Study in Pink. By Steven Moffat. BBC, 2010. DVD

  Sherlock: The Great Game. By Mark Gatiss. BBC, 2010. DVD

  Tolkien, J.R.R. The Hobbit. New York: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1996.

  Tolkien, J.R.R. The Lord of the Rings. New York: Houghton Mifflin Company. 50th anniversary ed., 2004.

  I. obviously a he "Game," 11:39

  l. world's only consulting detective "Four," 124; "Pink," 18:08; "Game," 1:18:35

  o. the diet "Game," 8:06; "Pink," 1:25:18

  v. precisely 3lbs. "Game," 19:06

  e. which is always "Pink," 18:08

  S. Sherlock knows every street in London "Pink," 1:07:19

  h. Greatest Chase Scene Ever "Pink," 52:02

  e. round and round . . . like a teddy bear "Game," 4:50

  r. married to his work "Pink," 50:02

  l. Greatest Chase Scene Ever "Pink," 52:02

  o. smoking invented by Hobbits "Rings," 558.

  c. smoking a contributing factor to: "Kaiser," 82-244.

  k. impossible to sustain smoking habit in London "Pink," 42:03

  y. we hates it forever! "Hobbit," 81.

  e. four people are dead "Pink," 45:32

  s. when you have eliminated the impossible . . . "Four," 159-60.

  I. John Watson shorter than Sherlock "Game," 56:13

  d. you see, but you do not observe "Bohemia," 241-42.

  o. you know my methods "Four," 161; "Game," 19:54

  h. funny little brain "Pink," 27:07

  e. [Bill], what the hell? "Game," 1:20:36

  '. ready when you are "Pink," 55:02

  s. earth goes 'round sun, not moon "Game," 3:50; "Scarlet," 12-13.

  s. Sherlock knows him some grammar "Game," 0:01

  o. Sherlock loves John Watson (in some way or other) "Garridebs," 624.

  a.wesome. And I love John Watson too. "Mommy"

  Acknowledgment: Thanks to Jeremy Taylor(.eu) for teaching us how to spell British English.

  ###

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