I’m breathing harder and harder; my thoughts are whirling around my head; I’m gripping the armrests of my seat until my fingers hurt. And suddenly I’ve had enough. I can’t stay here. I don’t want to be here. I have other, far more important things in my life than a red carpet and celebrities. I have my family and my friends, and a problem to sort out, and a husband to win back, and a best friend to help. That’s what I have. And I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to see that.
I have to leave. Right now.
Muttering apologies to the people around me, I get up and make my way to the side of the auditorium. The seats are full by now and a man in a dinner jacket has just started making a speech at the front, and all the attendants are giving me odd looks … but I don’t care. I need to get out. I need to talk to Suze as soon as I can. She probably hates me. I don’t blame her. I hate me, too.
Nenita is still standing in the lobby with Aran and a few others, and as I look at her anew, I feel a sudden revulsion. No, worse: outrage. How dare she try to curse me? How dare she diss Danny? As she’s turning away to enter the auditorium, I tap her on the shoulder.
‘Excuse me, Nenita,’ I say, my voice shaking slightly, ‘I’d just like to rebut a couple of things you said. Maybe I shouldn’t have betrayed Lois – but you should know, she isn’t exactly the girl you think she is. Second, I reckon people who try to give other people bad karma get bad karma themselves. Third, my dress is not dated. Danny Kovitz is a very talented designer and all the young fashion bloggers are going wild over it, so maybe if you don’t like it, you’re the one who’s dated.’
I hear a couple of gasps from Nenita’s acolytes. But I don’t care. I’m on a roll.
‘As for us being similar …’ I hesitate. ‘You’re right. When I know what I want in life, I go after it.’ I look around at the PR girls, the cameras, the rows of glossy Big Top goodie bags with striped handles, waiting to be collected. I would have gone wild about those goodie bags, once upon a time. But now it feels as though they’re somehow contaminated. ‘And the truth is … I don’t want this.’
‘Becky!’ says Aran, with a laugh.
‘I don’t want it, Aran.’ I look him square in the eye. ‘I don’t want the fame and I don’t want the heat.’
‘Sweetheart, don’t overreact!’ He puts a hand on my arm. ‘Nenita was joking about your dress.’
Is that all he thinks I care about? My dress?
But then … why wouldn’t he?
Suddenly I can see myself as everyone else has seen me over the last few weeks. And it’s not a great sight. I have a horrible thickness in my throat, and I can feel tears rising. But there’s no way I’m losing it in front of Nenita Dietz.
‘It’s not just about my dress,’ I say, as calmly as I can, and shake off his arm. ‘Bye, Aran.’
A bunch of black-suited girls are gossiping in a clutch by the doors, and as I approach, one springs to life.
‘Did you leave the movie already? Are you OK?’
‘I’m fine.’ I attempt a smile. ‘But I need to go. It’s an emergency. I’m going to call my driver.’
I fumble for my phone and text a message to Jeff:
Can we go now? Thx love Becky x
I stand awkwardly by the doors for a while, wondering where Jeff will pull up – and then I can’t stand waiting any longer. I’ll go out and see if I can spot the car.
I push the doors open and head back out on to the red carpet. It’s empty now, littered with a couple of discarded programmes and a Coke can and a cardigan that someone must have put down. I can see some white beads from Sage’s dress still glimmering on the red pile. I don’t know how I’m going to explain that to Danny. It was hand-sewn. It must have taken ages to make. All ruined in an instant.
And as I look at the beads, my spirits plunge further. I feel like everything has been ruined tonight. My stupid Hollywood dreams, my plan to be a celebrity, my friendship with Suze … I feel a fresh crush of pain and take a deep, shaky breath. I need to hold it together. I need to find Jeff. I need to …
Wait.
I gulp, and stare, unable to move. I can’t believe it.
Coming up the red carpet – the empty red carpet – is Luke. He’s walking steadily but purposefully, and his eyes are fixed on mine. He’s wearing his dark Armani overcoat, and I can see that underneath he’s in black tie.
As he gets near I start to tremble. His face is taut and stern, giving nothing away. There are tiny shadows under his eyes and as he reaches me, he doesn’t smile. For one awful moment I think he’s come here to divorce me.
‘I thought you went to New York,’ I falter, my voice barely above a whisper.
‘I did.’ He nods gravely. ‘I did. And then I turned straight round and came back again. Becky, I behaved atrociously. I’m sorry. To you and to my mother. It was unforgivable behaviour.’
‘It wasn’t!’ I say at once, flooded with relief.
‘You have every right to be angry with me.’
‘I’m not. Honestly, I’m not.’ I gulp. ‘I’m just … I’m so pleased to see you.’
I reach for his hand and clasp it tight. I never expected to see Luke here. Not in a million years. His hand is warm and firm and feels like it’s anchoring me. I never want to let it go.
‘Why aren’t you inside?’ He jerks his head towards the auditorium. ‘Has the evening been a success?’
Part of me longs to say, ‘Yes! It’s been brilliant!’ and regale him with my triumph. But there’s a bigger part of me that can’t lie. Not to Luke. Not when he’s standing here. Not when he flew back from New York. Not when he’s the only person at this premiere who actually cares about me.
‘It’s not what I thought,’ I say at last. ‘Nothing’s what I expected.’
‘Mm.’ He nods, as though he can read my mind.
‘Maybe …’ I swallow. ‘Maybe you were right. Maybe I am a bit lost.’
For a moment Luke doesn’t say anything. Those intense, dark eyes of his meet mine and it’s as though we don’t have to talk. He can sense it all.
‘I was brooding about that all the way to New York,’ he says finally, his voice deep and gravelly. ‘And then it hit me. I’m your husband. If you’re lost, it’s up to me to come and find you.’
With no warning, tears start to my eyes. After everything I did to annoy and upset him. He came to find me.
‘Well … here I am,’ I manage, a lump suddenly in my throat, and Luke sweeps me into his arms.
‘Come here,’ he says against my wet cheek. ‘No one should have to go to a premiere on their own. I’m sorry, my darling girl.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I mumble back, sniffling against his white collar. ‘I think I lost the plot a bit.’
Luke offers me his handkerchief, and I blow my nose and try to repair my eye make-up a little while he waits patiently.
‘All the interviewers called me Betty,’ I tell him. ‘Betty.’
He raises his eyebrows. ‘Betty? No, I can’t see it.’ He glances at his watch. ‘Now, what shall we do? You want to go back inside?’
‘No,’ I say with resolve. ‘I want to find my dad. I want to make up with Suze. I want to hug Minnie. I want to do anything but go inside.’
‘Really?’ He meets my eyes … and I can see he’s asking me a bigger question. The same question he was asking me before. It seems so long ago, now.
‘Really.’ I nod. ‘It’s … it’s over.’
‘OK then.’ His eyes soften. ‘OK.’ He takes my hand, and slowly we start to walk back down the empty red carpet.
TWENTY-THREE
They talk about rose-tinted spectacles. Well, I think I’ve had red-carpet-tinted spectacles. I mean, this red carpet is actually quite tatty, now it’s empty of celebrities. As Luke and I walk along, hand in hand, there are cameras still banked along the barriers, but we have the carpet to ourselves. It reminds me of strolling along the Walk of Fame, weeks ago, when we were new to LA and it was a big adventure ahead of us. I can?
??t believe how much has happened since then.
‘I need to build bridges with my mother,’ says Luke.
‘Yes, you do.’ I nod. ‘And you will. It’ll be wonderful. Luke, you should see your mum with Minnie. They’re amazing! They’re actually very similar.’
‘I can imagine.’ He shoots me a wry smile, and I have a sudden vision of sitting with Luke and Elinor and Minnie, a happy family around the tea table. It’ll happen, I tell myself. Soon. Everything will change.
‘Buy her a jigsaw,’ I suggest. ‘She loves jigsaws.’
‘OK.’ Luke smiles. ‘I’ll do that. Or maybe I should buy her a hundred. I have a lot to put right.’
‘Oh God, so do I.’ I wince, as all my troubles flood back into my brain. Suze … Tarquin … My dad … ‘I had this big row with Suze.’ I wring his hand. ‘It was awful. She’s really angry with me—’
‘Becky.’ He cuts me off gently. ‘Listen. I have to tell you something. Suze is here.’
‘What?’ I turn my head, puzzled. ‘What do you mean? Where?’
‘I left the car a few streets away. She’s parked there right now. She wants to drive into the desert after your father and she wants you to come too.’
‘What?’ I stare at him. ‘Are you serious?’
‘Absolutely. When I told her where I was going, she begged to come along with me. If I didn’t succeed, she was going to come and drag you out of the premiere herself.’
‘But …’ I can’t process this. ‘Into the desert?’
Luke sighs. ‘Suzie is in a real state. We think your father and Tarquin are heading to Las Vegas. Suze is worried about Tarquin, and, to be fair, I think she has good reason to be.’
‘Right.’ My head is spinning. ‘So … where are the children?’
‘Mitchell is babysitting right now. Obviously we’ll have to decide what the best plan is. We need to get home, work out what we know, put together a route … And you need to think hard, Becky. I mean, he’s your father. If anyone can figure out where he’s gone …’
‘I’ve got that old map of my dad’s.’ My mind starts to whir. ‘We might be able to work out something from that, maybe?’
‘Becky!’ A voice hails us, and I whip round to see Jeff a few yards away, leaning out of the driver’s window and waving. ‘I can’t get any closer!’
‘Jeff!’ I hurry towards his friendly face. Within a minute, both Luke and I are in the back seat of the SUV, and Luke is instructing him on where to go.
‘Movie finished early?’ says Jeff, as he manoeuvres the car out.
‘I just decided I’d had enough.’
‘Smart.’ Jeff nods.
‘I did everything I needed to. Except … wait.’ I turn to Luke, stricken. ‘The autographs! I never got any!’
‘Becky, it doesn’t matter—’
‘It does! I promised Dad I’d get him some autographs, and I haven’t got a single one.’ I stare at Luke miserably. ‘I’m so crap.’
‘Sweetheart, it’s not the priority right now—’
‘But I promised. And I let him down again.’ Remorse is pouring through me. ‘He wanted Dix Donahue’s autograph, and I never got it, and now I’ve forgotten again, and—’
‘You want some signatures? I’ll fill your dad’s book.’ Jeff’s voice comes from the front of the car, and I blink in astonishment.
‘You will?’ I say, stupidly.
‘You name a celebrity, I’ve worked for them. They all owe me one. I’ll get your autographs.’
‘Really?’ I say, agog. ‘Like who?’
‘Name a celebrity,’ repeats Jeff.
‘John Travolta.’
‘I couldn’t say.’
‘Brad Pitt!’
‘I couldn’t say.’
His face is blank but his eyes are twinkling in the rear-view mirror. I think I love Jeff.
‘That would be amazing. Thank you so much.’ I carefully take out Dad’s precious autograph book and put it on the front passenger seat. What seems like thirty seconds later, Jeff is pulling up in a side street and Luke is saying, ‘We’re parked just here. Thank you, Jeff.’
‘Bye, Jeff.’ I lean over and give him a hug. ‘You’ve been so wonderful.’
‘You’re a nice family,’ says Jeff gruffly. ‘I’ll see you again with those autographs.’
We get out of the SUV and a breeze ruffles my dress. I glance at my reflection in the car window, and my own eyes stare back at me, huge and over-made-up, and a bit wired. I suddenly feel really nervous at the idea of seeing Suze. I feel as if I’ve been in some other, alternate universe. But I can’t run. I can’t dodge this. The car door is opening and she’s getting out.
For a moment we just stand there, staring at each other through the evening air. I’ve known Suze for many years, and she hasn’t changed a bit. Same blonde hair; same endlessly long legs; same huge, irreverent laugh; same way of nibbling her thumb when she’s stressed. I can only imagine the state of her skin right now.
‘Bex, I know you’re really busy.’ Her voice is husky. ‘I know you’ve got all these big chances and everything. But I need you. Please. I need you.’
I’m so taken aback that she isn’t shouting at me, tears spring to my eyes again.
‘I need you too.’ I skitter to her on my heels, and envelop her in a huge hug. When’s the last time I hugged Suze? Ages ago.
She’s crying too, I realize. She’s really sobbing on my shoulder. She’s been totally wiped out by all the worry, and I wasn’t there for her. I feel a horrible gnawing in the pit of my stomach. I was a bad friend. A bad, bad friend.
Well, I’m going to make up for it now.
‘I missed you,’ she mumbles into my hair.
‘I missed you too.’ I squeeze her tight. ‘The red carpet wasn’t the same without you. I didn’t have the time of my life at all; in fact, it was awful.’
‘Oh, Bex. I’m sorry.’
And I can tell she truly is. Even though I’ve been so crap to her, she still wishes I’d had a nice time. That’s how lovely Suze is.
‘They’ve gone to Las Vegas,’ she adds.
‘I heard.’
She lifts her face and wipes her nose with her sleeve.
‘I thought we could follow them?’
‘OK.’ I squeeze her hands tight. ‘Let’s do it. Whatever you want to do, Suze, I’m right behind you.’
I have no idea what I’ve just signed myself up for, but I don’t care. This is Suze and she needs me, so I’m in.
‘I’ve been texting Danny,’ she adds, her voice a bit snuffly. ‘He’s coming, too.’
‘Danny is?’ I say in astonishment.
She turns her phone to show me the screen.
Suze, my darling, do you even need to ASK??? I will be there in a nanosecond and we will find that husband of yours. Danny xxxxx
Danny is such a star. Although how we’re going to keep tabs on him in Las Vegas, I have no idea.
‘Well, there we are then.’ I give her another hug. ‘We’re sorted. We have a team. We’ll do it, Suze. We’ll find them.’
How? I can’t help thinking. How are we going to find them? This whole idea feels a bit nutty to me. But Suze wants me to do it, so that’s all that matters.
I’m about to suggest that we all go home, order take-out and pool our ideas when the other passenger door opens. I feel a massive shock as another blonde head appears. Alicia? Seriously? Alicia?
‘Alicia’s going to come too.’ Suze wipes her eyes. ‘She’s been so lovely. She was the one who found out about Las Vegas. Bryce told one of his friends at Golden Peace that’s where he was going. Alicia had every single member of staff interviewed until she got some information … Honestly, Bex, she’s been amazing.’
‘Great!’ I say after a pause. ‘How … fabulous of her.’
‘You two will be friends, won’t you?’ Suze looks anxious. ‘You have put all that stuff in the past behind you?’
What can I say? I can’t add to Suze’s stress.
‘Of course,’ I say at last. ‘Of course we have. We’ll be great friends, won’t we, Alicia?’
‘Becky.’ Alicia comes forward, her footsteps silent in her trendy soft-leather yoga flip-flop things; her face in that composed, serene expression she puts on. ‘Welcome.’
Instantly my hackles rise. She doesn’t get to say welcome. I say welcome.
‘And welcome back.’ I smile sweetly at her. ‘Welcome to you.’
‘This is a challenge we have.’ She looks at me seriously. ‘But I’m sure if we all work together, we can find Tarquin, your father and Bryce before—’ She breaks off. ‘Well. We’re worried that Bryce is … predatory. That’s our concern.’
‘I get it.’ I nod. ‘Well, let’s get back to the Batcave and make a plan. Don’t worry, Suze.’ I give her another squeeze. ‘We’re on the case.’
‘You get in.’ Suze is tapping at her phone. ‘I’ll just be a second.’
I climb into the car, followed by Alicia, and we sit in silence for a moment. Then, just as Alicia is drawing breath to speak, I turn to her.
‘I know you haven’t changed,’ I say in swift, low, furious tones. ‘I know underneath all that sweetness and honey you have some agenda of your own. But just know, if you hurt Suze one tiny bit, I will burn you.’ I’m glaring at her so hard, I think my eyes might pop out. ‘I will burn. You.’
The car door opens and Suze climbs into the front passenger seat. ‘Everything OK?’ she asks breathlessly.
‘Fine!’ I say brightly, and after a moment, Alicia echoes, ‘Fine.’ She looks a bit shell-shocked. Well, good. I don’t care about me, she’s already hurt me enough. But I’m not having her hurt Suze.
Luke gets into the driver’s seat, slams the door and turns to make a comical face at me. ‘Ready, Betty?’
‘Ha ha.’ I make a face back at him. ‘Funny. Let’s head home.’
He starts the engine, and as we move off I look back through the rear window, craning my neck, slightly blinded by the streetlamps. We’re driving away from the TV cameras, the bright lights, the celebrities. We’re driving away from everything I was so excited about. I may never get to walk on a red carpet again, it hits me. That could have been my last chance. Maybe this is farewell to Hollywood.