tell us why, and promise to leave everyone alone”
“I swear to you its not me!” that wasn’t what she wanted hear, Lie cut Sara’s right thigh, just below her underwear. One thin cut that began to ooze. I couldn’t look away. I tried my hardest to stop. I tried my hardest to speak but I couldn’t, nothing was working. I wanted Sara to say something. It didn’t matter because Lie cut her again on the opposite thigh. Sara cried ‘stop’; she was slobbering like an animal. She pulled her knees together which only seemed to enrage Lie who pulled apart her legs and stabbed the scalpel into her inner thigh, “I’ll do anything please stop, I’m scared, I’ll do anything I promise”. The scalpel was slowly pulled out; I watched the blood cling to the blade. Lie pressed the flat side onto Sara’s underwear, whispering “anything?” I couldn’t look away even though I was screaming on the inside. I held my left wrist to try and hide my shaking. She nodded furiously like she could hardly control herself, “anything, please do anything just don’t hurt me, I’m sorry I don’t know anything please”. Lie traced the top of the underwear with her scalpel “you fucking slut! You think you can get away like that”. The voice changer made it sound like her voice wasn’t even coming from her little body with the tattoos and freckles. The blood mixed in with the white of her underwear and danced. Lie cut along her ribs but Sara still wouldn’t admit it was her. She begged and pleaded and I began to bite the skin off my lips.
“You look thirsty babe, you thirsty?” the distinctive clinking of a bottle could be heard as Lie came back from her bag once again, this time with a bottle of vodka. She forcefully opened Sara’s mouth tipping it upwards, pouring the alcohol into her. She coughed and spluttered. Lie watched Sara’s mouth as she began to pour the vodka on all the cuts; down her ribs; the top of her breast; her inner thighs. She soaked her underwear until it became see-through. “Still thirsty? Here you go” she forced the alcohol down once again, when Sara shook her head and tried to move away from the bottle, Lie grabbed her by her hair, making her drink what was left, which was about half a bottle, maybe more. She gasped for air between all her coughing and gagging. I couldn’t look away. I couldn’t stop looking at her, at her body. The ropes were tight around her arms and ankles, the skin was changing colour around them. Her legs quivered. How could Liebe do this to someone? Was this normal? How did she know to do all this? As if reading my thoughts, Lie walked over to me, slight swing in her hips as always. She held me in her eyes and kissed me softly, “its okay”, she unbuckled my belt and pulled it off, kissing me once more, walking backwards to the quivering girl, still holding me in her eyes. Is this what love feels like? What kind of love? Platonic I suppose.
Lie wrapped my belt around Sara’s sweaty neck, whispering in her ear, “you’re going to tell the truth tonight”. Then she pulled on the belt and began to strangle the feeble Ms. Ludwig. I didn’t think she had any more energy but she managed to find some as she writhed in the chair and tried to free her arms. She pulled so hard on the ropes that they cut into her wrists. I dug my nails into mine to make sure I wasn’t sleeping. Maybe this was a nightmare? Lie eventually released the belt and Sara sucked in all the air in the shed. “What’s your secret Sara L?” Lie pulled on her hair to lift her head back up. She didn’t answer and the belt was tightened once more, this time longer. When it was released Sara vomited on herself and lay limp in the chair. I thought she was dead but I could see her breast rising as she breathed. The belt was tightened again and Sara hardly moved. Was she accepting death? Maybe she knew she deserved it, if she didn’t she would fight until the end, wouldn’t she? People get punished all the time, even when they don’t know they’re doing wrong, their punishment always comes, even from people they loved. When the belt was released, Sara threw up on herself again. Her skin glistened, I felt sick. Lie threw her into the lake after she stopped fighting. I wondered if she had ever done something like that before? If they all had? No one stopped her, I didn’t, I don’t know. As we walked away I heard the splashing of someone swimming.
No one spoke on the way back to our rooms, everyone just waved as they changed direction to leave the group. Soon it was only Lie, and myself, she held my hand, I didn’t know if I was shaking or if she was. We got to her building and I stood by the main door of the building as she opened it she looked back to me, “come cuddle me okay…please”.
“Are you scared of me now?” she asked as we lay on her bed facing each other, legs entwined, holding hands. I just shook my head and smiled. Lie pulled the sheet over our heads, “now we’re in my world…I’m the princess here, okay?”
“Yes me lady”
“You have to serve me”
“Yes me lady”
“Kiss me” and I did, I kissed her as patiently, as kind, as perfectly as I could. I realised at that moment that this was all I’ve ever wanted to do. Kiss someone in their own world because that was the only thing they wanted from me. We kissed until our clothes dissolved and our skin started to melt into each other’s. I don’t know what happened after that, I don’t know if I was dreaming or having a nightmare, Lie on top of me, the real me and I thought I heard someone knocking and the doorknob turning. I looked up to the door and Lie held my head, she was saying ‘its okay, no ones there’, but I knew he was coming. I couldn’t take my eyes off the door I was ready. “It’s okay, I’m sorry, come here” she pulled me to her chest and held me there, “it’s okay, I’m sorry” she kept saying. I fell asleep to her heartbeat. Or maybe I stopped having that dream or that nightmare, I don’t know. Everything went out.
I had a secret now. Was I next? Were we next? I didn’t care as long as Lie would say “its okay” even if everything wasn’t.
8
Liebe Irigaray has Bipolar Affective Disorder
Lie burst into my catch-up RE class wielding a baseball bat, “it has to be someone here, stand up now and accept your fate”. No one stood up and she only got more aggravated. She pointing her bat to Mr. Taku and slowly walked towards him until he sat back down, “be a woman and stand the fuck up!” she was crying and it made me sad. “Lie lets go out for some air, it isn’t anyone here,” I said standing up with my hands in the air like you see on TV, this was a hostage negotiation and I was being the hero. She looked wild and determined, I wasn’t sure what I looked like, maybe scared mixed with excited. “Why don’t you come with me to the sports department so I can get myself a bat like yours? Then I’ll help you with your search, okay?”
“I’m not fucking crazy okay, stop speaking to me like an idiot, I’m not different I’m the same”
“Let’s go Lie” I packed up my bag and just walked out, I didn’t know if she would follow me or not, thankfully she did…only after hitting a few things with her bat, no people, just things.
She caught up to me outside and held my arm like a little girl. She rested her head on my shoulder, and I rested my head on hers. We just stood there until one of us put our arm around the other and we were in the tightest hug. I wanted to wrap into her and stay in her world; I didn’t like this one much. I don’t know how long we were just standing in the middle of nowhere, but we heard voices and footsteps, “I may have destroyed half of the east wing in my building…and kicked Josh’s cat”, I laughed while she grabbed my hand and started to run. I watched the teachers trying to run after us. We were young, they were not, and it wasn’t fair. I don’t think they were trying really, none of them wanted to be the first to give up, so they ran longer than any of them would have wanted.
We were in a closet inside a room inside a building inside of campus. Lie called it ‘my place’ she had sunflowers in empty bottles on all the shelves around the room. From the drawings on the wall by me as I sat on the floor, I could tell she would normally sit here, but she told me to, I don’t know. “The only person who knew I was Bi was Lauren…she was my best friend but she hates me now. She was in your class just now, I wanted her to confess so I had the right to kill her, but she didn’t…to be honest…when I looked to her she loo
ked me in the eyes and she said sorry with them, but not sorry for doing it, not sorry for revealing your secret, she said sorry everyone knows now. It wasn’t her. But she was the only one”. She sat opposite me, we had our feet stretched out and she kind of played with mine as she spoke. “Now everyone’s going to treat me differently…try to help me…I don’t need help, you believe me right?” I nodded and smiled, and she blew me a kiss with a wink in return. “I know I’m not normal, but I’ve never been normal so whatever I don’t care, everyone can judge”
“If you’re not normal, then the world isn’t normal, because…Lie, you’re my world”. There was a long pause, or maybe it wasn’t, she crawled over and hugged me with her head in my neck.
9
I’m going to kill myself today. I’m going to jump off the library roof at eight minutes past eight in the evening.
I didn’t know what to do for the day so I just stayed in my room and read some of my books. I couldn’t concentrate on a specific book, so I ended up going through a few and looking at my previous