Chapter 9
Ella and Ivy had just gotten home. “There she is!” Ella called when I walked in the door.
“Bobbie, do you want to join us for a nightcap?” Ivy asked, waving a bottle of red wine.
“Sure, why not?” I chuckled and went to sit down on the couch.
“No, not here, up, up!” Ella exclaimed. “To the rooooof!”
Ivy pointed towards the door, doing a little dance. She handed the bottle to Ella and then presented me with her back. “Unzip me, will you? I’m going to change real quick. I’ve been dreaming about putting on my sweatpants all day.”
As I unzipped the back of her dress, the price tag popped out.
“Ivy, you still have the price tag on this,” I informed her.
“I know. I left it on in case I wanted to return it. Turns out I like it. I was complimented nine times tonight. I kept count. So I’m keeping it—thanks!” She fluttered into her bedroom to change, and I decided to follow her example.
After we’d all changed into warmer clothing, we made our way up the stairwell. Ella jiggled the handle on the big door at the top of the stairs, and it creaked open. A rush of cold air flooded through the crack of the door.
“Brrr,” I said.
“Ivy, you’ve got the blankets, right?” Ella asked.
“And the wine!” she yelped. “Should be drinking brandy in this weather.”
“Shhhhhhh, be quiet. We don’t want to wake up Barbara and Meryl!”
For a moment it was dark, with only the city lights twinkling in the distance. Then Ella flipped the light switch, and with a dazzle on came rows of hanging white lights, round bulbs larger than Christmas lights, instantly warming the surroundings. My mouth fell open at the luminous beauty. I had never before seen the roof by night.
“This is amazing!” I looked around at the garden of vines and dried flowers that twinkled like a fairyland.
“It’s our little slice of heaven,” Ella said. I felt honored, as if they were letting me into their private world.
“More like our little cup of vino,” Ivy said, handing me a glass. “It gets better. Check this out.” She turned a knob near the railing and flames came shooting out of a large cylinder bowl surrounded by chairs.
“What? An electric bonfire? Where am I?” I laughed in shock.
“Well, our trust fund baby, Meryl, decided to upgrade this place when she moved in, with Barbara’s permission, of course,” Ella said.
“Meryl takes pride in fixing things,” I said, “on so many levels.” I knew this well; she had helped me out a number of times in college when I was a freshman and she was finishing her thesis. Meryl got me through that first year.
Ella poured a glass of wine, and I admired her grace, her slender limbs and athletic movement showing her dancer’s training.
“How was your day?” I asked them both, as I heated my feet by the warmth of the fire.
“Just another day in a cubicle in corporate America,” Ella said.
“Same,” Ivy said flatly. “Except the cubicle. I’ve been running around like a headless chicken. We have this huge event coming up and my boss is freaking. How about you?”
“I just had an interesting conversation with Barbara before I came downstairs. She’s so insightful.”
“Barbara, of course!” Ivy said.
“She’s like a modern day Athena meets Ghandi meets Grace Kelly.” Ella sipped her wine.
“Her husband was a philosophy professor at Northwestern,” Ivy said. “I guess he was a genius.”
“I think she might be a genius as well,” I said. “She just defined ‘love’ to me according to the ancient Greeks!”
“Ah--Eros, Philia, and Agape?” Ella sang out.
“Yeah!” I laughed. “How did you know?”
“She’s constantly preaching that love philosophy to us,” Ivy said, rolling her eyes. “As if we don’t know what love is. Ha!”
“I mean, it’s cool,” said Ella. “She’s really got some great insight. But. . .” She gave a shrug.
Was I the only one of the three of us who found this intellectual approach to love intriguing? For the first time, I was thinking of love beyond desire, lust, and falling into that giant web of problems that plagues you when you are unable to escape in a crippling relationship. . .
“What’s your love situation these days, Bobbie?” Ella asked. “Meryl told us about the history between you and model boy, but I’m guessing that’s over?”
Over? The word hit me hard. Suddenly I missed Charlie terribly. I missed his warm body in bed at night. I missed the way he listened to me so intently when I vented about work. There was an understanding between us. And more often than not, he would take my side whenever I complained. Whereas Oliver, who also worked in the industry and knew exactly what I was going through,would usually tell me to suck it up, stop complaining, and be grateful for what I had, just as I would do for him the days he was ready to turn his back on Fordham. At least we were in it together.
“Well,” I said, “Barbara just got finished telling me that love isn’t a situation. . .I don’t know, it’s so hard to say it’s over. We’ve had a long and complicated relationship, and we’re still working together. It’s been hard just to end it with him cold turkey. I guess me moving in here was a way to ease out of it.”
“Ease out of it?” Ivy said, giving me a skeptical glance.
“I know. I guess that sounds pathetic. . . it’s hard to explain.” I wanted to end this conversation. I felt offended and hurt that they didn’t seem to get how hard this was for me. Of course they didn’t care about me and my wretched relationship. “Let’s talk about something else.”
“No, no,” Ivy said. “We’re interested in you. You’re holding back on us.”
“I don’t want to be,” I said.
“Explain then,” Ella insisted.
“Yeah. Tell us what’s going on.”
They were pushy tonight. I wrapped the plush blanket more snugly around my shoulders and examined my toes through my socks.
“Do you mind?” Ivy asked. She took a box of cigarettes out of her purse and lit one up.
“Ivy! No smoking on the roof!” Ella said sternly. “And what the hell are you doing? You don’t smoke!”
“A cigarette once in a while isn’t the end of the world,” Ivy smiled devilishly. She offered me one and I shook my head. “Okay,” she said. “So what’s the story?”
“Well, I started dating Charlie when I got the job at Fordham Agency.”
“Right. So it’s totally a work thing, huh?”
“Yes. Most definitely. So, we had been dating for awhile, not really exclusively, but he wanted to take the next step. His lease was ending, and he wanted to move in with me. I was thrilled, but sort of shocked that he wanted to take that step, because he wasn’t even introducing me as his girlfriend yet. But of course I said okay. Then about a week before he was supposed to move in, when I checked his text messages, I found out he was cheating on me. Long story short, I let him move in, and one year later, here I am.”
“Wow,” Ivy blurted. “He cheated on you? Just goes to show, some guys won’t be satisfied with anything.”
I hated telling them about this; in fact, I hated telling anyone about it. I was embarrassed about him and about our entire relationship. I liked my business staying mine and I was not ready for the opinions and judgments that came along with sharing my relationship drama.
“Shit happens,” Ella said.
Ivy stubbed out her cigarette. “Is there anymore wine in that bottle?” she asked.
That was it?
“So, do you think I was stupid for not dumping him right then and there?” I asked. “When I found the texts?”
Ivy shrugged a shoulder. “You said you two weren’t really exclusive at the time. I mean, I used to cheat on my boyfriends all the time,” she said. “Less complicated that way.”
“You’re crazy,” said Ella. “How is that less complicated?”
“I know it wasn’t right. But I think it was a way for me to end things when I wanted to be free.”
What? I couldn’t believe Ivy’s detached attitude. I had never cheated. I didn’t think it was possible for me to cheat. My conscience would always get the best of me.
“Bobbie, I think it’s selfless of you to forgive him,” Ella said.
“No one’s perfect. You gave him a chance and now you can go on with no regrets, because you tried,” Ivy said.
No judgment? Were they just being nice? I let go of the breath I hadn’t realized I had been holding in my lungs. Relief.
“Are you interested in anyone else right now?” Ella asked.
Oliver’s face flashed through my mind, his crooked grin and goofy laugh. “God, no,” I said. “I mean, maybe eventually, but it’s just too soon, with Charlie and me in this state of limbo. . .”
“Limbo?” Ella frowned. “So, there’s a chance you’ll get back together or— wait, are you still together? I’m confused!”
I realized at that moment that I hadn’t felt the complete permanence of my move into the house with Ella and Ivy. I had told myself that I was never going to be with Charlie ever again. It was the decision I had made. But I felt alone without him. I was lonely. I wanted to be thrilled. I liked that he kept coming after me, begging me to return to him. And when he did just that, I found it hard not to contemplate giving in to him.
But I had to admit I was kidding myself when I considered the possibility that anything would be different if I did give in to him. If we were to start over again. . . nothing would be different. He would still be the same Charlie, and I would still be the same me. And I wanted so much to change!
“There’s really no chance we’ll get back together,” I responded, staring into the fire. “I just wish I could rid myself of this fantasy that I have, that if we get back together, I would suddenly have everything I want. I would suddenly be happy again.”
“Bobbie, you don’t need a guy to be happy, you know,” Ella said.
“I get that,” I said. And I did, intellectually. But for me being happy included being a girlfriend to a really great guy, a teammate.
Later in the night, after three glasses of Pinot Noir, my head was buzzing, and I felt emotionally drained. I said goodnight to the girls, who weren’t ready to call it a night, and made my way carefully down the stairs, and swan-dived onto my bed.
Charlie’s face kept floating through my mind. I reminded myself of all the reasons I’d left him: the way he made me feel self-conscious about everything I believed in; the constant need to maintain perfection; the fact that I felt most alone when I was with him. Why couldn’t I let go? What he thought about me, or anything else, really, was irrelevant. Was I blaming him for my unhappiness? Maybe my insecurities really had nothing to do with him at all. I shouldn’t blame him. He’s innocent. No, was not innocent. He cheated on me. You don’t hurt the people you love. Wait, I forgave him and I should stick to that, based on principle. I needed a vacation! No, I would still have to come back to this. I needed a change. I should quit my job and move across the country! No, I loved Chicago, and I would miss my friends and family too much. I needed therapy! But that’s a sign of weakness. No, it’s not, it’s a sign of self-care. I needed to do something to take control of my life, or maybe I just needed to do less...Yeah...less is more.
My eyes grew heavy. I finally fell into a deep sleep and dreamed of Oliver. He was throwing pebbles into the lily pond at the zoo, the pond where we used to hang out together all the time. In my dream I was laughing with each throw he made as ripples upon ripples appeared as a result of each pebble tossed. I just kept laughing and thinking I had never seen anyone who was able to create so many ripples from a single throw.