Simulation (Bootleg)
By Marlynn Swanigan
Illustrations by Reiner “Tiles” Prokein
Copyright 2013 Marlynn Swanigan
(The ‘Super Hat Capoeira: The Movie’ narrator audio plays) ♫ [Rio de Janeiro]
Former mafia hit man turned super hero visits his Capoeira Mestre in Brazil. An old man, kneelin’ out, chin over his knee, and (♪CLAP-CLAP♪) clapping to the rhythm of the bateria. He’s old so he thinks it’s something…The Guitar strings on Fly’s chest twang along. The Mestre stops for a few seconds to pop his junk pumping the air with his fists…Fly cheered and joined a little Rhoda, but he still wasn’t too good with that Cape of his…He started another hurricane…Danger struck, but everybody thought he had things under control…They air walked and kept playing…Fly’s heart dropped…People were spinning in a tornado, so he started to fly in and save them… The nukes could take pain for people, so he had to absorb some hits too! “HA-OWW!” When Fly walked in, he had his own bateria, refreshments, and everything. “D’ F’’’?! Damn…Fly, what you doin’? Yo, do ya thing, I’mma let you, yahmean!” Float whispered to himself grinning hard. He smiled and leaned against the wall out of the way, people flying around the building. “Yo, this nigga buggin’, son…Yo, that sh’’ tight, you see how he got ‘em like to the beat…Word!” Luck slapped Float’s hand and leaned on the wall with him. “YO…NOT A DRILL, LUCK…HELP! (OH SH’’!)” Lucky and Fitted hopped off the wall to aid Fly. “Lucky Network!” Lucky turned the people into Super Hats temporarily- flashing electric sparks shaped like baseball caps on their heads. Then the people were unable to fall, they were floating. Finally, he stopped the wind. “Yo? What up with that?” Fly asked the entire school as they hovered and dashed over to greet Super Hat and Lucky like Brazil’s ultimate dance crew or something. Whenever Float could get to Fly, he yelled over the cheers, “SORRY I’M LATE, NIGGA...”
“HEY, I LEARNED A NEW TRICK.”
“…WHAT?”
“THEY TAUGHT ME A MAGIC TRICK!” Fly raised his hands in front of Float. “PICK A FINGER, ANY FINGER…” Float busted into laughter. Fly flipped him off and said, “IS THIS YOUR FINGER?” Zombies and drooling dragons raided the building. Fitted generated holy gifts wrapped in decorative paper, like Christmas presents, into the hands of all who were there, even his brothers. The people grew calm and sat. “Aww, thank you, man- I should’ve got you somethin’…I’mma remember next year, wow…” Fitted and Fly sang to the school as they fought the undead. It was like nothing the Mestre had ever seen, so he got up and popped his junk like a stripper with his eyes shut… Lucky said, “God have mercy, and give us strength.” And the Lucky network twisted and shot off like fireworks. The mutant count increased. The Hat was perfect for them to use their Capoeira techniques. The zombies were pissed they couldn’t eat the humans anymore, so they all went after Lucky… Holy gear appeared on the people, and Vogue ran in the front door grappling and wrestling demons. She was wearing like mixed martial arts gloves. ♫ (♪IRRRRRH♪…♪BOOM♪) the ceiling creaks like something heavy was being moved around on it. Everybody stopped and looked up. A giant faun stepped into the building and many clones were awarded it, or should I say it stepped into my pockets…He was a bot who wasn’t supposed to arrive until the last scene. “HAAHHH!” We were ready this time, we sniped them first. “AMBUSH!” yelled a clone who was filming via 4D. “ENEMY MULTI-D. (FILMING!) MOVE IN! (ENGAGING!)” they operated in packs like wolves. Most of the inexpensive bots dissolved and the hollowbots flew into the dragon along with the pulverised wreckage. The pipes snapped and the dragon laughed. Bot Fitted and Bot Fly's sirens sounded. I slapped the dragon with a melee bar and snatched its skin off. My clones increased. Then, I look into my surround belt- "SHIT, MAN...SPEAK IN TONGUES...MY CHAKRA!" A dragon's ass trying to squash me alive! As my followers laughed and bit their hollowbotic fingernails, I gawndihowled. "Hahaha." A spy-cherub chuckles and flies into the shot wearing a demolition Cape. "Poow, moowv, doowd!"
"AHAA!" Pooh laughed harder and ignored his dad. "WHI'-WIDOW-DUHH! (AAA!)" broiling angelic chakra and white dust clouds knock Pooh off the view! You could tell he was far away, because he screamed again and it was all like distant. (The ‘shoesick’ narrator audio plays) ♫ [Guest285: Fat guy- You look like ice cream. Megavanitits: Hi, Hun... Guest285: Are you ok? i'll protect you. Megavanitits: Take me in private and i'll tell you. Guest285: Cheap guy- tell me a little bit about yourself first. Megavanitits: Take me in private show first. :) Guest285: Romantic guy- Seriously, i'm dying to know how to make you tingly. I bet you are so warm and softly gentle on me. Guest285: Funny guy- Jesus Christ! Way too many guys! - I'm outta here! Megavanitits: >< @$#% GRRR! Guest285: Lazy guy- this isn't an excuse- I ain't goin' nowhere, baby! Guest285: Honest guy- you're hotter than any chic I ever seen in any porn! Guest285: Gangster guy- you work for me, and I gotta pay you, 'uh? Guest284: Police Guy- That fool lost his mind. Megavanitits: Hi, baby :) Guest285: Dead guy- I really wish I made better choices. Megavanitits: I like dead guy, that's hot LOL Guest284: disgusting, i'm rebooting. Guest285: Fun guy- see we can be happy without private. Guest285: I like you I want to marry you, ya know? I don't care, I just want to give you the world, ya know? When I go platinum, of course. Guest284: nigga, don't nobody wanna play yo' horny ass music! Guest285: emotionless guy- nigga, who f'''in' asked you? You Nostradamus, now? She may not like me now, but, i'll make it where she never has to do this shit ever again! Megavanitits: No, stay, I like all the guys. You're funny :)] She screamed and two guys with assault rifles barge in and grab her. Marlynn's heart fell, and he grew vigilant. He was deep in love. He was going to save her and find out her real name. Well, at least that's what he thought. "OK, God, you're not gonna let me die..." At just sixteen years old, he wasn't able to do much- he had no money, no car, no friends. He was just a lonely geek with a knack for writing funny shit. He was skinny and not very physically strong. He ran away from home. It was brave, but lust- that lust kicks ass. Yet, how heroic- he was dying in the wilderness one cold night when his fate drastically shifted in his favor. He was about to eat a bug, already tasting exhaustion, when he was stalked by an angel of the hollow. Rosebush knew there was nothing waiting for Marlynn in New Mexico, besides the daughter of Satan, Vanity. Though Marlynn never struck anyone as heroic or strong, he was a nerd, but deep down he was magical...Rosebush spawned a bot-fisherman, who fed Marlynn and taught him to fish. She knew she had to keep Marlynn moving, realizing that her next plan would bring the lad holy treasures and supernatural power. The bot cried when he was asked to ditch him and recycle! Two hikers saw Marlynn and wanted to meet him. Yet, when Marlynn turned to them to introduce himself, they saw a large hairy figure appear behind him. "Well, you guys aren't all that bangin' yourselves," Bigfoot taps Marlynn on the shoulder. He turns around, "TRAITORS-AA!" Bigfoot yanked the boy off his feet and pinned him on the ground. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE, KID."
"DON'T EAT ME, DUDE! Take it easy, I was just seeing if you wanted some fish, that's all, my hairy brother...." So he let Marlynn go and stood up. Marlynn gasped and Bigfoot took a few steps away, then he turned around saying, "Hey, you know how to fix a laptop? Follow me." As they headed for Bigfoot's camp, Marlynn says, "What kind of laptop is it?"
"I have internet, but it's moving slow as all outdoors."
"Oh, dude, I thought you had one of them prehistoric-old busted up heavy-ass two hundred pound shits with the antenna."
"Hell naw..."
"It's probably like to many junk files, then. Hey, how much would you pay me to fade you down? Boy, you ain't gettin' no woman with fur in yo' ass. Oh! - I almost forgot the fish, my nigga." Marlynn snatches up his catch and walks with the Sas
quatch. Bigfoot's camp was full of expensive hunting gear, there was a luxury RV and handheld tvs switched to children's educational programs. "MAN, YOU WATCH SESEME STREET?!"
"YEA, how do you think I speak so well?"
"OH, ok...MAN! WHERE YOU GET ALL THIS SHIT?!"
"I steal it from campers."
"So you just scare people away and jack 'em?"
"Pretty much, yea. But, out here, there's a carnivore on the loose. Have you ever heard about the chewpacabra?" "Shoot his ass; you got a crossbow right here, shit...”
"No, he's very fast. I can't, but he can't find me. He can smell you from very far away. And I just want you to be careful, here."
"Man, forget Chupacabra, runnin' 'round bitin' livestock. Check it out- what kind of cereal does chupacabra eat for breakfast?" Bigfoot smirks, having so much hatred toward the wild creature, unable to resist. "What?" "Chicken pops!" Bigfoot laughs. "Isn't that why they call him chew-pacabra? I'm serious, man. I mean, what does he get sick with? - Mad Chow disease?