“And they should all be screened. Like I’m shacking up with half the football team. Good thing this isn’t about sex. If you ever decide to stop respecting me, you’ll need to get your cheek swabbed first.”
He doesn’t say anything.
“I’m sorry. I’m grossing you out now.”
He stands up, comes around to my chair, and pulls me to my feet. He holds me like I’m going to break. “When it’s right, Beth.” His voice is husky. “You and me. I’m your guy. I don’t care what that idiot doctor says.”
“You love me that much?” I press my face against his cheek.
“Of course. Any decent guy would.” He pauses. “Scott does, too.”
“Why do you keep bringing him up?”
“If you and I don’t make it,” he strokes my hair, “I like knowing there’s a good guy there who knows the real Beth—the Beth I love—who will love you better than I can.”
“How can we not make it?”
“I hope we can, but—”
“Whatever it is, Derek. You can beat it. I know you can. For me. I love you. Do it for me.”
His hand drops away from my hair. He lets go of me.
I wrap my arms around his shoulders and press my face against his neck. “Tell me, Derek. I need to know. Where were you this summer?”
“I was at the cottage.”
“No, you weren’t. I’m not stupid.”
He kisses my hair. “I was at the cottage.”
“Please, Derek. Let me help.”
“You want to help?”
I nod.
“Then don’t ask me any more questions. And kiss me again.”
He gets his way—like the Phantom in my dream.
He always gets his way.
chapter 21
PLAN B
Derek parks his bike behind a teacher’s minivan, so we can say good-bye without an audience. Especially Scott. We don’t want to be in his face.
I walk through the hall, keep my eyes down. Scott’s leaning up against his locker with his arms crossed, glaring at me.
“What the hell, Beth. He spent the night?”
“In the den. My mom was there. And what business is it of yours what I do with my boyfriend?”
Scott gets in my face. “What are you going to tell our daughters when they want to sleep around? Go ahead—as long as he’s good-looking. I’m not having that.”
“What are you talking about?”
He realizes what he said. “I mean your daughters.”
My daughters? The sons? They’ll die in utero. All those miscarriages Aunt Linda had—they will be my children. The doctor said if an afflicted baby survived, it’d be severely handicapped—would spend its life dying. The other children will be carriers like me. Like my cousin. Like my dad.
Scott’s bracing for me to scream at him, but I don’t. I slump against my locker and touch his wrist. “You’ve got it all planned out, don’t you?” Scott comes from a big family. “Oh, Scottie, you still want to play house.”
He was so sweet when we were in preschool. He always wanted to feed the dolls. The stroller rides he gave would have made any real baby puke its guts up, but even that was sweet.
“That’s kind of impossible now.”
He looks away from me. “Because of Derek.”
“No. It has nothing to do with him.”
“I’m supposed to believe that?” The pain of seeing me all over Derek leaks out with his words and splashes around us in tiny bitter drops.
I look away from his face. “I should have told you sooner. I’ve been busy running away from you. Resisting you isn’t easy.”
“Then stop.”
“That’s what he said.” I make myself face Scott. “Derek told me to dump him and go out with you.”
“He’s not as dumb as he looks.” Scott recrosses his arms.
I take a deep breath. “This summer—”
“Doesn’t he want to play house?”
I shrug. “I don’t think he’s the kind of guy who plays house.”
“But you are—Beth—you’re a house-playing girl.”
I nod. “But I can’t play house.”
“Sure you can.” He relaxes his arms. One drifts toward me. “We’ll get married and play house as much as we want.” He cradles my elbow, gently strokes my arm.
“It won’t work with me.”
“Of course, it will.” He takes hold of my other arm, too. “When Derek self-destructs, you’ll come to your senses and come back to me.” He leans in and whispers, “Just don’t sleep with him, okay? I was ready to run him down with my pickup when I saw him dropping you off this morning.”
I swallow hard. “Like I’d tell you.”
“You don’t think I’d figure it out? You’re a crap liar. You told me just now that you didn’t.”
I push away from him. “Our relationship isn’t about sex.”
“Good—because ours will be.”
I put my hand on his chest. “Shut up and stop sidetracking me. This is important.”
“I’m sorry.” He takes both my hands in his and squeezes them.
I let him. I even squeeze back. “I probably can’t have babies.” My head drops.
He touches his forehead to my drooping head. “Who told you this?”
“A doctor and a genetic test.”
“When?”
“I got my cheek swabbed right before the tour.”
He starts, pulls back. “That was the bad news?” His voice sharpens. “You never said a word to me about this and you told a perfect stranger?”
“Post-prom things were all weird with you.” I flush. That was all my fault. “And he wasn’t a stranger. We have a connection you wouldn’t understand.”
“Right.” Scott lets go of my hands. “Him all over you. Making a play when you’re falling apart.”
“It wasn’t like that.”
“You are so naive.” He turns back to his locker and starts slapping his books around.
“This isn’t about him.” I grab his arm and jerk him back. “It’s about you. I can’t be that girl in your daydreams rocking the baby while you play catch with our son. That’s what you want. Find someone who can give you that.”
He takes me by the shoulders, squeezes really hard. “Is that what you think of me? That I care about some stupid fantasy more than I care about you? The dream can change, Bethie. As long as you’re in it—that’s all that matters.”
“I’m sorry, Scottie.” My eyes sting. “I really am. I’m not in it.”
“You can’t know that.”
“Find somebody cute and sweet who adores you.”
“Don’t make me retch.”
I sniff. “Please, Scottie, stop torturing yourself. Stop torturing me.”
“No way.” His face gets hard. “I’m here, Bethie. Every day. Loving you. Wanting you. I’m not going to run off into a hole and lick my wounds. I’m going to bleed in front of you. I’m not going to fake it with somebody else. I’m going to be right here in your face—until the day I die.”
“You following me to college?”
“Yep.”
“What if Derek and I decide to get married? Will you walk me down the aisle?”
“You won’t marry him. He won’t last. I will. You’re going to marry me.”
I pry his hands off me. “Your crystal ball needs a tune-up.”
He stands in the hall, his face full of pain. “I love you, too.”
“I don’t—”
“Don’t lie to me, Bethie. You do.”
“I’m sorry, Scottie. If I make you bleed, I’m so sorry. I can’t help it. I love him. I’ll love him forever.”
Scott won’t talk to me the rest of the day. Every time I see him, I want to hold his hand and tell him it will be okay, but it won’t. I can’t.
Thursday he’s the same, but at least I’ve got choir to look forward to. I play Derek’s CD all the way down to Ann Arbor. Terri plans to tell us her ideas for this season. I used to always
love the first practice when she introduces new music. The challenge of sight-reading the parts and making sure all my altos get it right. But Bliss can’t hack the really challenging stuff.
The Amabile girls sing some hyper-hard, atonal modern pieces. I would so love to do that. I’ve only ever seen one other choir do those—and it was crap compared to the AYS. I wish we could sing pieces like that. Maybe in college I can.
I haven’t decided on a major, but it’s going to be music something. I don’t have the bucks for an elite school. I’ll have to stay in state, go public. If Derek stays in London, maybe I better stick with Ann Arbor and go to the University of Michigan. But that would be so far from him. There’s a big university in London. Maybe I could go there. We could start together next year. Major in music together. It seems weird he wanted to be a doctor, but he’s composing now. That’s a gift he can’t waste. Somebody else can cure me.
Friday is twice as long as Wednesday and Thursday combined. Scott is twice as grumpy. I need to move my locker. When the final bell buzzes, I race out of school and speed home.
Derek’s there.
Waiting in my driveway.
Just like he said he would be.
I can’t get out of the car fast enough. He opens my door, gives me a hand. I can’t kiss him here—too like Scott and prom night.
I step all the way out of the car and push the door closed with my butt, lean up against it. Derek comes at me hard, pins me there with his body, greets me with his lips. We make out for about ten minutes, then he pulls away. “Hi.” He drills me with his chocolate-brown eyes and plays with a piece of my frizzed-out hair that he said was hot.
“I missed you.” He’s turned me into a puddle again. I’m sloshing in the driveway.
“We need to talk.”
“Plan B?”
“Ready to execute.”
“Should I pack a bag? I’ve got my bankbook in my purse.”
“That’s Plan A.”
“Right.” I lead him into the house. We both eye the stairs going up to my room. “We can talk in my room if you want.” I cleaned it up—just in case. I want to be ready when it’s right.
He shakes his head and tugs me in the direction of the family room. He sits on the loveseat and makes me take the couch. “If you’re any closer, we won’t talk much.”
I lift my eyebrows.
He looks at his watch, then me, alone in the middle of the couch.
I run my hands over the leather cushions. “We’ve never made out lying down.” I want him to lie beside me, feel his weight on me, even if it’s just kissing.
“First, you must agree to Plan B.”
“Right. I’m sorry. You are distracting.”
He leans forward, rests his arms on his knees, and clasps his hands together. “I spoke with my director, and she talked to the AYS conductors. They want you. You’re in.”
“The AYS?” I shake my head, stunned. “What are you talking about?”
“The Amabile girls’ directors listened to your rendition of ‘Take Me Home.’ Auditions were last spring, but they’ll make an exception for you.”
“How does this get us together?”
“They practice Tuesdays. We can hang out before and after. On Friday nights we have chamber, the best girls and guys. You and me sitting together and singing. We can go out after. Every Friday like clockwork. We’ll be together at festivals and extra practices.”
I tense up. “Why can’t we just hang out on the weekends?”
He leans back on the couch and stares at the blank television. “My weekends are pretty full. After our Choral Olympics win, everyone wants us. It’s going to be a head rush. I want you there for as much as possible.”
I wrap my arms around my torso. “Can’t I just be a groupie in the crowd?”
“No. I want you part of it. Don’t you want to sing with me again?”
I close my eyes and remember those amazing impromptu moments with him on the stage. The taste of the mike. The magic of the crowd screaming our names. The elixir of his lips on mine. Who wouldn’t want more of that? I open my eyes and nod. “I do want to sing with you.”
“My music.”
“Yeah.”
“We’ll do it together.”
“Sure.” I nod my head.
He’s nodding along with me. “And you’ll get to sing with the AYS. We’re touring together next summer. Think what that would be like.”
Touring together. An international flight together. Days and days. It sounds so good. But . . . “Me? Singing with the AYS?” I can’t get my head around that one.
Derek smiles and keeps me nodding.
“But my choir practices Tuesdays. I can’t—”
“Do both.”
“I have to leave my choir?” I feel guilty for being impatient with them last night. Feeling like I was too good. Terri planned our entire season around me. I’ve got four pieces with solos this year. Not just one.
“They aren’t good enough for you. You owe it to your talent to sing in the best choir you can.”
“The AYS are the premier choir in the world.”
He leans forward and clasps his hands in front of him, so earnest, so handsome, so devastating. “And they want you.”
I turn my back on him. I can’t decide if I keep looking at him. “I’m going to have to think about it. The drive—”
“We’re way closer to Port than Ann Arbor is.”
“What’s it like in the winter? You guys are on the snowbelt side of the lake.”
“Brand new highway. Always plowed. I don’t want you driving through Detroit anymore.”
The protective note in his voice doesn’t make me angry like it should. It makes me want to go over to the couch and tell him I’ll do anything he wants. Then I remember Bliss. He wants me to leave them. “Terri will die. I’m her only star. She invested in a lot of great stuff for me to sing.”
“She’ll get over it. She should be happy for you.”
I hate that his answers are all so true. “The AYS are going to hate me.”
“Certainly not.”
“Don’t be stupid. First, I steal you. Then I barge into their choir and steal the solo spot.”
“I didn’t say they were giving you the solos. Those you’ll have to earn on your own. They have about six soloists. The competition will be tough but good for you.”
“So I’m going to sit by your ex every Tuesday? She’ll let me have that spot beside you in chamber?”
“She’ll like you as much as I do. They all will. I’ll tell them they have to.”
I turn around and pull a face at him. “You have that kind of power over an entire choir of mega-talented women?”
“Of course.” He manages not to smirk.
“You’re full of it.”
He sits up and gets all innocent looking. “They want me to be happy. When they see how happy I am with you, they’ll welcome you like a long-lost sister.”
I shake my head. “I can’t do this. I can’t abandon my choir.”
He stands up. “Get something to eat. Chamber practice starts in an hour and a half and you’re coming with me.”
“Tonight?” I don’t follow his lead. “Now?”
“Yes.” He nods.
I’m glued to the couch. “No.”
“I already told them you would. Kind of an informal tryout.”
“Great.” I lean back on the couch and stare up at him, finally starting to get steamed. “No pressure there.”
“Pressure is a good thing. It makes you stretch.”
“I’m tall enough already, thank you.”
“Three more inches and you’d really be sexy.”
Three more inches? I’d be a skyscraper. “Let’s stay around here tonight. Go to a movie. Watch TV. I cleaned my room.”
He shakes his head. “I have to go to practice. And I promised you’d be there.”
“I wish you would have discussed this with me first.”
“I didn?
??t think it would be an issue. I thought you’d be falling all over me with gratitude.” He comes over and sits beside me on the couch. “Please, Beth.” He cups my face in his hands and kisses me long, slow. “I want to be with you.” He kisses me again. “This is the best way.” He pulls me close against his chest. “Come sing with me.”
“This kind of persuasion isn’t fair.”
He keeps kissing me, presses me down on the couch with his body. My womanly senses go berserk. He kisses me once like that and gets up. “You coming?” He gives me his hand.
Of course, I take it.
I hate that he’s so confident.
I hate that he takes for granted I’ll agree to whatever he comes up with.
I hate not knowing his secrets.
“If I come tonight, you have to tell me—”
His eyes get pained. “Don’t go there, Beth.”
Then I hate myself for prying, probing the tender spot, hurting him, but I do it anyway. “What are you on?”
“We don’t have that kind of time.”
“I do.”
“Stop this, Beth. It’s not going to work if you keep asking me.”
That scares me. I’ll put up with anything to make this work. Even drugs. Even not knowing. Even going along with this crazy plan.
We get sandwiches, I call Mom, and we launch into the night, Derek on his bike, me in my car. I follow Derek over the Rainbow Bridge that crosses the Saint Clair River before it dumps itself into Lake Huron. We only have to wait at the border for about ten minutes. Once we get into Canada, we’re on that new freeway Derek bragged about. It is well maintained. This is Ontario. Nothing like the broken-up mess we drive on around Detroit. Not much traffic. Perfect for Derek to kill himself on. I can’t keep up with him. I don’t try. I’m not going to encourage him with even a hint of a race. He keeps circling back to find me and racing off again. Jeannette has a hard time over seventy. He’s going a lot faster than that. I couldn’t race if I wanted to.
The buzz of his bike turns into the drone of an organ, and I’m back in that dream. This time it is a nightmare.
I’m in my lacey white Christine dress again, kneeling by the side of the freeway, cradling Derek’s broken body in my arms, headlights beating against us. The organ gets loud and screechy, the orchestra comes in, cymbals crashing, violins on hyperdrive. I look up at the sky and sing, but I don’t sing like Christine this time. My voice is tortured madness.