Sensing that something was going to happen, I cried, “We can’t do this. We’ll go to hell, Sevin.”
He spoke over my lips, “Don’t you know I’d burn in hell for a single taste of you?”
That was the last thing he said before I felt my lips completely disappear into his mouth. If everything before this had been a controlled burn, then this was the explosion. Pulling him deeper into me, I opened for his tongue, letting him take full possession of my mouth. The heat of his kiss, the warmth of his body pressing into mine eclipsed all else around me. I could see nothing. Hear nothing. I could only feel him. Reaching up, I ran my fingers under his hood, grasping at his hair to pull him closer. It never seemed close enough. It wouldn’t ever be. Because I needed him inside of me. The way he swirled his tongue in hard and controlled movements inside my mouth mimicked what I knew he would do to other parts of me. I was throbbing between my legs, so incredibly wet with desire. My awakened body was ready to take on more. So much more. Knowing that I could never be satisfied until he was inside of me was a dangerous realization.
This was so dangerous.
When I attempted to pull back, Sevin spoke into my mouth, “Please don’t tell me to stop.”
It felt like I couldn’t stop, like nothing else mattered anymore. Maybe that was what happened when you finally surrendered fully to the person that was meant for you. Nothing else mattered. I lost any ability to speak when he started to kiss down my neck. My head was bent back as far as it could while he kissed, sucked and gently bit on the skin there.
We were in the middle of the desolate road with no sound but our breathing and the morning call of the birds. Suddenly, the sound of a car approaching ripped our bodies apart.
Panting, we moved to the side of the road as a sheriff’s deputy whizzed by us. It could have been someone who knew us. Worse, it could have been Daddy leaving early for work. That rarely happened, but it was possible.
We were both trying to catch our breath, still in shock, looking down at the concrete. When I looked up into his lust-filled eyes, it took all of the strength in me to move back and say, “Please don’t touch me again.”
“That will make it easier for you to go back to pretending I don’t exist?”
“You think that’s easy for me?”
“No, in fact, I think it’s impossible.”
“You’re right. The more I try, the harder it is.”
“You can physically stay away from me, Evangeline. Sure. You can even move hundreds of miles away. But can’t you see I’ll still be with you?” He patted his chest. “I’ll be right here…in your heart, in your dreams, under your skin. That’s how it’s always been for me with you. The more we’re apart, the more I long for you. Sometimes, the harder we fight something, the more it shows its power over us.”
“Please, just let me go.”
“I fucking wish I knew how. The only time I’ve ever prayed in my entire life was to ask God to show me how to let you go. But He’s not helping, because we aren’t meant to be apart.” He looked down at the ground, shaking his head in frustration. “Listen to me and listen good. You can stay away from me all you want, but please…please…don’t marry him. He’s not the one for you.”
“You don’t really know him.”
“He wants to trap you, make you be his fucking slave. You should hear the way he talks when you’re not around. Traditional roles bullshit, how once the two of you are married, you’re gonna just do whatever he says…fuck him whenever he wants…be barefoot and pregnant. I’ve been trying to warn you, but you won’t give me the opportunity to get you alone. I’ve been freaking the fuck out trying to talk to you about this. I wanted to kill him.”
“You hit him.”
“Yes, I fucking hit him. Was that not obvious?”
“How Elle hasn’t figured it out is beyond me, between the bruise on your hand and his mouth.”
“Imogene saw the whole thing.”
“Imogene?”
“Yes. Right before she flashed us her tits from the window.”
My eyes widened in disbelief. “What? Are you serious?”
He nodded. “True story.”
We burst into much needed laughter. Tears were falling from my eyes again, and I couldn’t be sure whether they were tears of sadness or laughter or both.
When the laughter faded, I looked down at his hand and said, “I’m sorry about your bruise.”
He stretched his fingers out, looking down at his knuckles. “This is nothing compared to what I fucking feel inside, Evangeline. Anyway, it really was nothing. I’d do anything to protect you.”
I love you, Sevin. I love you so much.
He looked so vulnerable and desperate, like he’d do anything to make me stay. His hair was messed up from my fingers having raked through it. He looked so incredibly sexy—hungry. I wanted nothing more than for him to ravage me on the grass. My body was tingling, throbbing, aching all over like never before.
He walked toward me. “You were crying when I caught up with you. You’re not happy. Please let me make you happy.”
“At the expense of what? I don’t love Callum, okay? You know that. But he’s the only option I have at the moment for a fresh start. I don’t know that I’m even gonna go through with marrying him. Right now, the only thing I need is another place to live for the time being. My staying will only destroy my sister and ruin your future.”
“I don’t want a future without you in it.”
“I have to go.”
“Don’t run away from me again.”
“I have to.”
Taking off without another word, I ran like hell toward the ranch, leaving Sevin behind in the middle of the road. But he was right. I could run all I wanted from him, but he was still with me. Needing him with all of my heart and soul may have been a sin, but it was the truth. He was my truth. Even if that made me a sinner. Very soon, my truth and my sins would catch up with me faster than I was ready for.
CHAPTER 16
SEVIN
Dear Sevin,
I’m writing to let you know that I will be leaving at the end of this weekend for Missouri. I know this is going to come as a shock because it’s sooner than anyone ever expected, but it’s for the best.
There is something I need to tell you before I go.
I debated for a long time whether I should write to you. I feel safer communicating with you this way because for obvious reasons, I no longer trust myself to be physically around you.
Anyway, back to the point of this letter. You said once, in regards to your mother dying, that you felt that you killed the one person who would ever love you. You were wrong. You are capable of being loved. I’m proof of that. Because I love you. Unconditionally. I wish I didn’t.
I love your passion. I love your art. I love how you appreciate my oddities. I love your music and how you use it to express yourself to me. I love the way you look at me. I love how you make me feel. I love who I am—myself—when I’m around you. I love YOU. I love you, Sevin. No matter what happens, I need you to know that.
My feelings are too strong for me to handle. Through my weakness, I’ve put myself in situations with you that tested both of us. Even though I don’t regret any of the secret time we spent together, it doesn’t change the fact that it was wrong. Sometimes, love also means putting the needs of those you love ahead of your own. Elle doesn’t deserve a big sister betraying her behind her back. If you love me, then please take care of her. The only thing worse than the hurt I’m feeling now, is imagining Elle experiencing the same if she were to ever find out about us.
I don’t want you to worry about me. I have a good head on my shoulders. If things between Callum and me don’t feel right, I promise I won’t marry him. I’m going to be making more money at Hughes Foods than I do at Sutton. I plan to save every penny until I can figure out a plan for myself.
Maybe someday I’ll get over you, and then I can come back. Until then, this is what I have to do.
I will never forget that kiss for as long as I live.
Love always, Evangeline
P.S. Please destroy this letter as I can’t risk anyone finding it.
Holding the letter in my hand, it felt like a death. For the first time in my life, it was almost possible to imagine what my father felt like when he lost my mother. In some ways, the fact that Evangeline would still be alive and moving on with her life seemed like it would be harder to handle. It would have been easier if she just disappeared into thin air.
Opening my cabinet, I took out a small bottle of Jack Daniels that had been harbored away for some time. I returned to my bed, downing the alcohol in one long sip as I continued staring down at her meticulous handwriting.
There was a knock at the door.
Shit.
Shoving the letter under my bed, I walked over to answer it. It was Elle and Emily.
Elle walked past me while Emily turned on the television in my living room.
“So, I have some news,” Elle said, looking sad.
“What’s that?”
“Evangeline is leaving for Missouri this weekend. She’s moving in with the Hughes family. I thought it wouldn’t be for another few months, but it’s happening now.”
Swallowing, I said, “Really…”
“Yeah. The next time we see her will be the wedding.”
Feeling numb, I didn’t know how to feign surprise. How the fuck could I pretend that the news of Evangeline leaving hadn’t already shattered my world just a few moments ago?
Elle continued, “I don’t understand why she has to leave so soon. The wedding is only weeks away. I was really hoping she’d at least stay until then.”
The second mention of our impending wedding sent waves of nausea through me.
She approached. “Sevin, are you okay?”
I stood there speechless, feeling like I was about to blow.
“Have you been drinking?”
“Just a little.”
Despite the smell of alcohol, my angst had to have been written all over my face. I looked into her sweet eyes, and reality just hit me like a ton of bricks. Everything seemed so clear in that moment. It was funny how stress could fog your brain for months on end. Then all of a sudden, clarity could just come out of nowhere.
I couldn’t go through with it.
I couldn’t marry her.
I needed to end it.
When Lance first proposed this arrangement, it seemed to make sense. So much had changed since then. I had changed. What I wanted changed. What I needed changed. And even if Evangeline never allowed herself to be with me, Elle would always remind me of her sister. And if I couldn’t have Evangeline, I couldn’t be reminded of her every day for the rest of my life. It wasn’t fair to put Elle in that predicament, either. She deserved better than to marry a man who was secretly desperately in love with her sister.
I needed to buy myself some time. Breaking this news to the Suttons was going to have to be handled very carefully. It would devastate them, but better now than ten years down the line. There would still be time for Lance to find a replacement to take over the business.
Finally answering her, I said, “Actually, things aren’t okay. I have to go back to Oklahoma for a while.”
“What?” Her eyes widened. “Why?”
I lied, “My brother is going through some stuff. He needs me. I’ll be gone for a few days at the very least.”
“When did you find out about this?”
“Today.”
“Well, okay. Um…when do you leave?”
“Tonight.”
It was hard to believe it was actually coming to this. Deep down, from almost the very beginning of my time here, I knew that going through with the wedding was wrong. I still always believed I’d go along with it.
I really needed the advice of someone older and wiser. Times like these were when I really wished my father were still here.
***
Driving around Dodge City aimlessly later that afternoon, it was unclear where I was headed. With my small suitcase in the back of my truck, I had no real intention of actually driving the several hours to Lillian’s house in Oklahoma.
I finally decided to look for a hotel about an hour out of town. I just needed a quiet place where I could think straight and come up with a plan about how to approach things with the Suttons. The thought of that conversation made me ill.
As much as I knew it was wrong, one final stop would be necessary before getting out of Dodge.
Elle had mentioned that Evangeline was working a final shift at Addy’s car repair shop. Since I was leaving town for a few days, she would be gone to Missouri by the time I returned.
It felt like I needed to see her more than I needed my next breath. It was the only thing I was sure of as I drove around lost in my thoughts. I didn’t know what the months ahead would mean for me or where I’d end up. I just knew I couldn’t leave town without one last moment with her.
She would be pissed at me, but I didn’t give a fuck. If I was about to give up everything because I loved her, she was going to have to face me one last time.
Say goodbye to my face.
I’d never been over to Adelaide’s. When I parked my truck across the gravelly road from her property, I hesitated before going inside. I took everything in, thinking about how this was the place that Evangeline seemed to love most in the entire world.
Addy’s small gray house stood adjacent to the shop, which was a bigger structure with three large garage bays. The sounds of metal clanking and laughing could be heard from inside.
A husky female voice startled me. “Can I help you?”
“Hi. I’m—”
“Sevin,” she answered. “I know who you are.”
“You do?”
“I do.” She looked me up and down. “Wow.”
“I take it, you’re Addy.”
“Jesus H. Christ, Vangie wasn’t kidding.”
“What’s that?”
“She said you were handsome. She didn’t say you were the kind of handsome that might just turn an old lesbo like me straight.”
Addy made me smile, which wasn’t an easy task. I could totally see why Evangeline was drawn to this woman.
“Well, thanks.”
“I know why you’re here.”
“You do…”
“You’re here for her.” She smiled. “Vangie is in the garage working on a tune-up.” She nudged her head toward the house. “You want to come inside…chat with me for a bit?”
The firm look in her eyes told me she wasn’t asking me to come in; she was telling me. She was a big woman, not someone to mess with. Even stronger was her personality. It felt like I could feel her spirit if that were possible. This felt no different to me than meeting Evangeline’s mother for the first time. Addy probably knew more about her than anyone.
She led me inside the house, gesturing for me to have a seat at her kitchen table. Something garlicky was cooking on the stove.
Addy stirred the pot then wiped her hands on an apron and sat across from me. “I’m not gonna beat around the bush here. It’s not my style.”
“Alright…”
“You kids have gotten yourself into some deep shit.”
Finally, someone who spoke my language.
“How much do you know?”
“Everything, Picasso.”
Shit.
“Wow.”
“Don’t worry. You can trust me, okay?”
Looking straight into Addy’s eyes, my tone was almost frantic. “I love her. Tell me what to do, Addy. Just tell me what to do.” Being able to talk to another person about what was happening to me felt like a huge weight lifted off of my chest. It wasn’t normal to have carried all of this around alone for so long.
“I know you love her.”
It felt so fucking good to talk about this with someone.
Raking my hands through my hair, I let out a deep breath. “She’s really planning t
o leave town tomorrow?”
“Yes. Working on that damn car was what she wanted to do on her last day here, can you believe it? But that’s partly because she needs to keep herself busy, otherwise she’ll crack, and she knows it. By the way, I love that girl to death, too.”
“She won’t ever be with me because she’ll never hurt Elle. I just don’t see a solution.”
“I need to confess, I recently encouraged her to make a decision one way or the other. Seems she took my advice. Here’s the thing…I’m not so sure that was the right idea anymore. I feel like I should have tried to skew her decision, but I wanted it to be her own choice. If I tell her to do one thing, and she ends up getting hurt from it, I’m not sure I could forgive myself.”
“Are you saying you think we should find a way to be together? That’s what I want. Even if we have to keep it a secret. I don’t care.”
“Listen, I spent my life being persecuted for loving someone who everyone told me was forbidden. That love of my life just died. She’s gone. Forever. In a weird way, losing her made me appreciate all of our struggles even more. I couldn’t imagine her leaving this Earth without our having had the chance to fully express that love to each other. I just couldn’t fathom that. Not having that regret is the only reason I sleep at night now. My nightmare is that Vangie is going to regret running away. Regret is a horrible curse. I don’t want that for either one of you.”
“I can see why Evangeline loves coming here.”
“I know we just met, Sevin, but I care about you, because she cares about you. I want you to know if either one of you ever needs a safe haven, you’re always welcome here. I’ll give you work and a roof over your head. Vangie’s like the daughter I never had.”