His words, and the tone in which he said them jarred me.
“You’re not serious…”
“Do you see me laughing?”
“This is insane.”
“Sienna, huh? Just like the first day we met.”
“Yeah… ”
'“Come here, Sienna.” He’d emphasized the ‘S’ sound tauntingly.
What kind of a game was he playing? And what was wrong with me? Because as mean as he was being, I was aching to touch him. Sevin walked over to the plush seat, sat down and leaned his back into it.
He was gonna make me go through with this.
I slowly inched toward him until my knees were touching his.
“Give me my money’s worth,” he said huskily. For the first time, the alcohol on his breath registered. Maybe it was impairing his judgement, contributing to his aggressive behavior toward me, which was out of character. Or maybe Sevin had just changed. A twinge of fear had developed at the pit of my stomach.
It was quiet in the room aside from the muffled beat of the club music in the distance. My thighs were trembling as I wrapped them around him one by one and sat on his lap. His chest was heaving as he looked up at me, his eyes reflecting a wild intensity.
I wouldn’t move at first. His pupils seemed to darken with each second that passed as he continued to stare at me.
Waiting.
With his more muscular build, grown out hair and chin scruff, age had definitely become him. Despite my fear, sexual awareness overtook my body, which had been longing for him. I never thought I would have the opportunity to be this close to Sevin again in my lifetime.
At the same time, I didn’t deserve to be deriving pleasure from the contact. Aside from the differences in his physical appearance, I knew that the changes inside of him were far more profound. I had wrecked him, and then Elle’s death had wrecked him all over again. I thought about what my mother said, about him being in “a bad way.” I closed my eyes to fend off thoughts of Elle, thoughts of everything that might have happened—that did happen—after I left.
His calloused fingertips landed on my chin. “Open your eyes and look at me.”
I kept them closed.
“Evangeline.”
When he said my name, I opened them.
“I know you hate me,” I whispered.
“I don’t want to talk.”
“What do you want?”
“I want what I came in here for, what I paid for.”
It occurred to me that this was a form of payback. He wanted to humiliate me. It also occurred to me that I owed him. If this was what made him feel better—to shame and punish me—then I was going to give him whatever he needed.
It was better than him grilling me for information. I couldn’t tell him everything that happened while I was away. So, I would give him anything else he asked for in return. I would play along.
“You want a lap dance? I’ll give you a lap dance.”
Sliding slowly toward him, I could feel the heat of his rock hard cock under me. Pushing his shoulders back onto the small loveseat, I gyrated my hips slow and hard over him. He let out a stifled moan. My nipples hardened, and wetness developed between my legs as the material of my underwear rubbed against his jeans.
This was a mistake.
He looked deeply into my eyes as I continued straddling his lap. We never took our eyes off each other the entire time.
He slipped his middle finger under my bra strap and nudged it. “Take this off.”
Every word that came out of his mouth added to my aroused state.
I obliged, unhooking it at the back and throwing it to the ground. His eyes never left mine despite my undressing. His stare was a mix of anger, bewilderment and unadulterated lust.
Placing his palms on my breasts, he began to slowly massage them. He rubbed the tips of his thumbs roughly along my nipples.
Sevin’s mouth curved into a slight smile. “You’re getting turned on, aren’t you?”
I wouldn’t answer, but I didn’t have to.
He continued, “I can feel how wet you are through your panties. Fuck.” Grabbing the back of my ass, he pushed me down onto him harder. “What kind of a man lets his wife work here?”
I stopped moving. “I told you. I’ve never done this before.”
He placed his hands on my hips to show me who was in charge and began moving my body over him again. “How much more money would it take to fuck you?”
I jumped off of him. “Stop. I get it. You hate me! You want me to pay for what I did to you. Just call me a whore and get it over with. Then leave.” I walked over to the opposite side of the room, covering my breasts. “This is a losing game, Sevin. You can’t possibly make me feel worse about myself than I already do. I wish it were me instead that died. I wish I were dead every single day. If I had the balls, I would just—”
“You would what?”
I gave him the honest answer.
“End it all…”
He looked like my admission had inflicted physical pain on him.
Sevin got up from his seat and rushed toward me. “Don’t say that. Don’t ever fucking say that!” Pulling me into his arms, he held me tightly. When he looked at me again, it was as if he’d just woken up out of a trance. “Oh God, I’m so sorry. So sorry. Forgive me. Forgive me for this. Forgive me.”
He kept repeating himself, asking for forgiveness.
I ran my fingers through his hair as he buried his forehead into my chest.
“I understand,” I said. “I deserve every bit of this.”
He spoke into my chest, “I’m just so angry at you. I don’t know how to handle it.”
The heat of his breath warmed my skin in the otherwise freezing room. Then, I felt wetness fall onto the bare skin of my breasts. He was crying. I’d never seen Sevin cry, not even at Elle’s funeral.
I held his face into me for several minutes.
“Why?” he whispered over my skin.
I wasn’t able to give him that answer.
“You left me.” He repeated louder, “Why? Why did you just give up?” He wiped his eyes and looked up at me. “You really think I hate you? I wish I fucking hated you, Evangeline. I’d give anything. I wish I could rid you from my heart, but you are my fucking heart.”
Walking over to the other side of the room, he picked up my bra off the floor and handed it to me. He no longer looked angry. Just sad and a little ashamed of his actions.
“I have to leave.”
“Are you okay to drive?”
“I’ll be fine.”
After I put the bra back on, he took off his hoodie and wrapped it around my shoulders.
Holding out his hand, he said, “Give me your phone.” He took it and programmed his number into the contacts. “You have my number now. In case you need it.”
After he left, I sat in the empty room, huddled in his sweatshirt, breathing in his scent, not knowing where things stood with Sevin.
I later hid the hoodie in my dressing room locker so that Dean wouldn’t see it when he picked me up.
***
Several weeks went by before an opportunity to head to Dodge City arose again. Not having a car was a huge disadvantage but one that Dean carefully manipulated, refusing to let me buy my own vehicle.
I had stared down at Sevin’s number almost every day, wanting to call but not knowing what to say. We’d left things on a very strange note, but in a sense, he’d left it up to me to make further contact. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea. I wondered if he told Addy where I was working and if she was disappointed in me.
Emily had made me promise to come see her, so a visit to my parent’s house was long overdue. When Dean announced that he was taking off for a guys’ trip over the weekend, the wheels in my head began to turn.
“So, where exactly are you guys going?”
“Not sure if they decided yet.”
“You said Nelson is going to pick you up?”
“Yeah…w
hy?”
“That means you’re leaving the truck. Can I use it?”
“You can use it to go to work, but that’s it.”
“Why not? I was gonna take a couple of nights off and go to Dodge City for the weekend to see my parents.”
“No. The truck needs new struts. You can’t drive it far until I fix it.”
“I can fix it myself for crying out loud.”
“You think I’m gonna let you touch my truck, Evie? There’s enough shit for you to do around the house anyway. You’ve been slacking this week. I don’t need to be worrying about you while I’m away.”
“I want to go home.”
“This is your home.”
No. It’s not.
“Yes, bu—”
“Are you forgetting that you’d run away from that place when I found you? If it weren’t for me, you’d be out on the street. Where was your fucking family then, huh? They wouldn’t even want anything to do with you if they knew about your whorish ways. I’m the only reason you’re straightened out. Now, you want to visit them on weekends all of a sudden? What a crock of shit, Evie…”
Evie. He was the only person to ever call me that. I hated it. It reminded me of evil.
“I have a right to see my parents and my sister.”
“Well, it’s not gonna be this weekend.”
It was rare that Dean went away. I couldn’t waste the opportunity and had to figure out a way to get back home.
***
Since there were no easy bus routes to Dodge City from Wichita, one of my co-workers, Liz, came through, letting me borrow her SUV for the weekend.
Dean’s friend picked him up at 8AM. Nelson had brought over glazed donuts and boxed coffee from Wally’s. I joined them in the kitchen, trying my best to act nonchalant. Dean thought I’d be spending the day catching up on laundry.
Fifteen minutes after they left, I walked the mile to Liz’s and took off in her car down Route 54.
After three hours of driving, I finally arrived at my parents’ property.
My relationship with Daddy was still strained, although at least he was talking to me.
Emily, our parents and I sat at the dining room table for lunch. Emily tried to lighten the mood by taking over the conversation, talking about her pursuit to convince my father to let her apply to a couple of out of state colleges. It didn’t take long before Daddy began to interrogate me.
“I thought you said the next time you set foot in this house, you would bring that husband of yours.”
I would have never promised that.
He will NEVER be coming here.
“I don’t plan to bring him here, Daddy.”
“You mind telling me why not?”
“Because you wouldn’t approve of him, and I don’t want to disrespect you.”
“Since when do you care about respecting our opinion?”
My mother put her hand on my father’s arm. “Lance, please. We’re trying to have a nice lunch.”
The rest of the meal was spent eating in silence with nothing but the sound of silverware clinking. I’d come to expect this as the new normal, feeling like an outcast among my own family. I suppose I was lucky that Daddy even let me back into the house after my disappearing act. It would have been unreasonable to expect a warm reception on top of that.
I couldn’t help but ask, “How is Sevin doing?”
When my parents didn’t answer, Emily chimed in, “Probably hanging out with that girlfriend of his. She’s been coming around a lot. I see her car parked outside the guesthouse all the time.”
My food felt like it was coming up on me. “Girlfriend?”
“Well, he says she’s not, but I think he’s just trying to be respectful of our feelings…because of Elle.”
“Who is she?”
Emily finished her sip of water before she said, “Name’s Nancy. That’s all I know.”
Forget Evie; Nancy was my new least favorite name in the world.
Even though I had no right to this jealousy, my heart was clamoring in protest.
“Does she drive a Toyota?”
“Yeah. Beige. That’s the one.”
A lump formed in my throat at the realization that it was the same woman I met the day I showed up at his door. That was a while ago, which meant they’d been seeing each other for some time.
My mother had turned mine and Elle’s old bedrooms into guest suites. The plan was for me to spend the night in my old room.
On the way down the hall, I stopped into Elle’s.
Collapsing on her bed, I broke down and spoke into her pillow, “I’m so sorry. I promise you, I would trade places with you if I could.”
Breathing in, trying in vain to find some recognition of her scent, I sobbed for what must have been close to an hour. I suppose wherever she was, she knew everything now.
When I finally emerged from the room, I decided to take a quick ride to the nearest grocery store. Emily had made me promise to make her these cookies I used to bake for her when she was younger. It was the least I could do after having abandoned her for much of her formative years.
His truck was parked in front of the guesthouse, so I assumed he was inside. A few seconds later, just as I was getting into my car, headlights from an oncoming vehicle hit me in the face.
I froze as I realized it was Nancy’s Toyota. They both got out, slamming the doors shut. Sevin didn’t notice me at first. I wasn’t going to say anything, but then he turned around and spotted me standing in front of the SUV.
From across the grass, our eyes met. He was silent as I walked from my parents’ driveway over to his.
“Hi,” I said.
“What are you doing here?”
“I’m spending the weekend with Mama and Daddy.”
“You didn’t tell me you were coming.”
“I didn’t think you’d want to see me.”
He looked at his girlfriend. “This is Nancy. Nancy, this is…”
She interrupted, “I know. Evangeline. Your sister-in-law. We met briefly.”
I nodded. “Well, I better let you two get on with your night. I’m just going to do some food shopping.”
Hurrying away, I escaped into the car before anyone could say another word. Glancing over briefly again at Sevin, I noticed he hadn’t moved from the same spot as he continued to look at me.
When I returned from the store, her car was still parked outside. It stayed there the rest of the evening. Even though I tried not to focus on it, it was constantly on my mind as I spent time with my sister, baking cookies and catching up on all of the things I’d missed during her teenage years.
Before going to bed, I looked out the window one last time and noticed that the car was still there. Nancy was definitely spending the night. The lights at the guesthouse were on. I wondered whether Sevin was thinking about me or worse, whether Nancy was helping him forget.
***
The next morning, I laced up my sneakers and pounded the pavement outside of my family’s property for the first time in years. The sun hadn’t yet fully risen, and the morning fog greeted me in all of its glory.
I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d gone out for a jog. Gasping for air, it was clear that my body was no longer used to running.
Everything looked and smelled the same as I remembered. The sound of imaginary footsteps played in my head, footsteps I knew would no longer be appearing behind me. My chest tightened as I thought about our secret runs back when things were so different. As scandalous as everything was, the memories seemed inexplicably innocent. I would have given anything to go back and change so many things. Could I have changed falling in love with him? Probably not.
I would have definitely stopped Elle from riding Magdalene that day. That was the thing I was sure I would change.
Tears started to fall. What was it about jogging that made me so emotional? The endorphins always brought out my feelings in full force, yet also provided me with clarity. How had I staye
d away from home for so long?
I made it about two miles before deciding to turn back around. My body wasn’t used to this level of exercise anymore. It was important to pace myself, or I wouldn’t survive the two miles back.
Halfway through, it felt like making it all the way home was an impossibility. My heart was beating out of control. Maybe it was overexertion. Or maybe it was more of a premonition. Because soon after, I heard them. Footsteps. Not coming from behind me but coming toward me.
Then, I saw him.
Hooded gray sweatshirt.
Tall stature.
Big sneakers digging into the dirt.
My heartbeat accelerated with every step Sevin took toward me, and then I completely lost my ability to breathe.
Resting my hands on my thighs for balance, I tried to catch my breath.
His footsteps slowed to a halt in the gravel. The next thing I knew, I felt him lift me up. Weightless, I rested my head into his chest as he walked, carrying me several feet until he put me down on the grass.
Taking out a bottle, he said, “What did I tell you about running without water?”
He handed it to me. I downed half the bottle as he watched every movement of my mouth.
“Thank you.”
Sevin twisted the cap closed and dug the bottle into the dirt.
He wrapped his arms around his shins. His sleeves were rolled up, and for the first time, I noticed the letter E tattooed on his right forearm. My heart skipped a beat. He must have gotten that sometime after Elle died.
Clearing my throat, I asked, “Where’s Nancy?”
“She’s sleeping back at the house.”
I nodded silently.
“Is your husband with you?”
“No.” Wanting to skirt the subject of Dean, I said, “Thank you for not telling my parents about… you know…”
“Nothing good could possibly come from them knowing.”
“You’re right.”
A long moment of silence passed as we both looked around, at our feet, up at the sky, anywhere but at each other.
I felt it coming.
The moment where I finally explained myself to him. I couldn’t tell him everything, but he deserved as much of an explanation as I could give.