But then she would laugh when she remembered how he gave names to his neckties , and stories to go with them.
“I call this one ‘Thoughts on a Dark Night’,” Paolo informed her.
The dreams were increasing. So were the days when Sally was useless to do anything else but think about Paolo. Sally was making enough money now to be able, once in a while, to afford the colossally expensive phone calls to Rome. Yet even though they cost a fortune they were still difficult to do. First, she needed to make a reservation with the international operator before she could even make the call, and then the connections would be hollow and full of static feedback.
Bur actually speaking to each other was so much more satisfying for them both than a letter. A letter sometimes took two weeks to arrive and by that time whatever it contained had become a false reality.
They were always so happy to talk to each other that at first they either sputtered nonsense, or screamed the news about daily life, or just kept saying “I miss you. I love you.” over and over until it would be ridiculous to say it anymore. These calls made Sally very elated, but the crashing down was very bad. She would be morose and nearly helpless for days after.
Sally had discussed Paolo's resettling in New York several times in her letters. He would always respond with how events were progressing in Rome. Now Sally shouted across the Atlantic Ocean, trying to finally get a direct answer to her constant badgering.
“Paolo, please come over. At least give it a try....just think what an adventure it could be for you and Tonino, even if you don't want to stay.” Sally was convinced that once Paolo and Tonino were in New York everyone would live happily ever after.
“Sally, I'm not coming to New York.”
“But why!!!”
“I can't. This is my life. My family is here. My friends are here. My work is here. Tonino is in school here. Rome is not a postcard, it's my home town. I'm a Roman and I don't want to be anything else.”
“If you loved me you would come,” Sally said.
“If you loved me, you would have stayed,” Paolo answered.
Sally got a wave of panic. “But this is my life, too,” she said. “My family, friends and work are here. It's my hometown!”
“I know. And I understand,” Paolo said before they had to hang up.
Sally could not believe it: he wasn't coming!! She had been positive that she could eventually convince him that the three of them could have a better life here. Anyone else would have jumped at the chance, she thought.
Maybe she would not have left Rome if she thought she would not be able to entice Paolo to come to New York. And now all the months that had gone by were turning into a year. Paolo's letters were becoming shorter and fewer and far between.
What should I do? Sally wondered. Once the rebuilding of her life in New York was complete, she never expected to have to choose a life without Paolo in it.
CHAPTER SIXTY ONE
A life in New York without Paolo? Forever?
Impossible!
A life back in Rome?
Impossible, too. How could she go back to whatever it was that pushed her away?
What was it, anyway, Sally asked herself, that made me--forced me--to leave? She couldn't put her finger on it anymore.
“I guess I needed something better,” she told Ruth, “than a country where all you can do is go out to eat!”
“I think you could do more than that,” Ruth reminded her.
Yes. Yes. Sally knew. “But if I go back, I'll have his life. Not my life. Not even “our” life.”
“Don't you like his life?” Ruth asked.
Sally thought about it. “I need the freedom. Here.” Sally was torn apart: she needed New York for her mind, and Rome for her soul. The difficulty was that neither place was enough without the other.
“At the time I left,” she told Ruth, “the solution seemed so clear. But the consequences weren't.”
Now, when would she ever see Paolo again if he weren't coming to New York? She had been surviving on the mistaken impression that she and New York--no, America itself-- would convince Paolo to come. Now there was no such impression. He wasn't coming, so what happened or didn't happen next was in her hands. Again.
He kept telling her that his dream as well as hers was to be together again. Yet it was the same old business of Paolo letting other people make the decision about what they should do, with no help from him and he just riding along on whatever happened as a result. This infuriated Sally.
She didn't know if she loved Paolo anymore, or hated him.
CHAPTER SIXTY TWO
Now and then a man that Sally met, or saw, would startle her heart. The sweet masculinity of him would leave her with the lingering taste of possibility without probability. She often felt that way when she came upon trees growing in the concrete city, or a house at twilight when the lights first go on: some things that she wanted more of in her life but that she would forgo for other choices. But what choice now?
The novelty of the city’s scattered, frenetic pace was wearing thin. “Everything seems empty,” she said to Ruth. In her growing sadness the lifestyle of New Yorkers seemed superficial. America's need to make things happen without serious thought seemed immature, and worse, destructive. The energy she loved was turning ugly. Viet Nam, Drugs, Graffitti, Discrimination. Pollution, Crime. Continued assassinations: Martin Luther King. Bobby Kennedy. Kent State.
But it wasn't just the world around her that was making Sally miserable. It was her world within. When Sally stopped running, she realized the sadness for Paolo had never left her. She realized that no matter what she did to create a life back in New York, or how successful she was at it, that it was too late. It was no longer her life. Rome had seen to that.
It was crazy, but there was no denying it. She had to go back. She had to take the risk. Paolo had once told her “You don't take risks.” Sally had bristled, “Don't take risks! What do you think I'm doing here on my own in a foreign country!” “I mean risks of the heart,” he said.
Maybe he was right. Maybe she had to face the truth of her own fears. It was no longer just a case of wanting Paolo. She needed him. She had little patience with people who wouldn't go after what they needed and therefore denied that they needed it. And now she had become one of them. But she was not going to let herself be. She would give it all up and go back.
She would admit her mistake and even deal with the expected harsh judgment of family and friends. And of herself. Yes, she would go back, and this time she would stay.
CHAPTER SIXTY THREE
“Paolo,” Sally said over the scratchy phone line, “I'm planning to return to Rome.”
“Wonderful!” Paolo exclaimed. “When are you coming? How long will you stay?”
“No, not for a visit. For good. For us to be together again.”
“Really!?” Paolo said, “Why? What happened?”
“Nothing happened. I just realize I don't want to live without you, so I'll have to be where you are.”
“This is sort of sudden.”
“Don't you want me to come back!?” Sally cried.
“Sally, it's been so long!”
“Yes, I know. But we still love each other. We can pick up again and this time really be together.”
“If we do all that, how do I know you will stay this time?”
“I wouldn't go through all this, giving up my life here for good if I wasn't going to stay.”
“How come you always get to choose what to do? When to go, when to come..?” Paolo asked her. Sally could tell he had become a little angry. “This time I need to think about it,” he said. “I'll let you know.”
Sally was sick with fear. Paolo did not seem the same. And she was so far away, she felt helpless. Is he right, she asked herself. Do I always do what I want to do? But Sally didn't really think that's what she always did. She never said to herself: “This is what I want to do, and only what I want to do.” In her mind it seemed that her
decisions were influenced by other, outside events, as well as the actions--and more importantly, the inactions--of others. Well, maybe I don't always do what others want, but if they don't do or say anything how can I know what they want?
She was mad at herself for being so stubborn, so blind, and so dense. But she was devastated by Paolo's coldness. When did that happen?!
But what could she expect, she tried to reason, after so long? It didn't seem so long to her. Maybe because she always had the hope of him being here. But he apparently had lived all this time with the simple truth that she was gone.
The pain of what seemed like Paolo's sudden refusal of her was so bad that Sally lived half suspended outside of herself in a kind of shock, while the other half went through the motions of daily living. Barely.
A few days later, Paolo called. “Cara mia, I'm so sorry for the way I reacted. I was just surprised. It was something I didn't expect and was not prepared for. Your coming back to Rome has been my dearest wish. Please come back. Is it too late?”
“No, No. It isn't!” Sally cried with joy, “I'll come back!”
“I have to warn you, though, “Paolo said,” Things are very different. And very difficult....”
“I don't care.” Sally said, “Whatever it is, if we are together, we can handle it. We can handle anything together.”
“Yes.” Paolo said, “Yes.”
They agreed that she should return in the fall, and live with him, Tonino and Grandma, who often asked about Sally and would be glad to have her back. Sally made a familiar plan: what belongings she would take, or send by sea; when she would pack and ship. This time all her affairs would be cleared up before she left and she would fly. She scheduled her flight, picked a day several weeks before departure when she would quit her job, and thought about how she would tell her family and friends. Ruth already knew she would leave.
“I'll miss you terribly,” Ruth said, “but at least I know where I'll be spending my vacations. Not everyone has a friend with a house in Rome.”
Sally was probably the happiest person in the world. And the most frightened. Have I really agreed to completely and permanently change my life after all? To put it completely in Paolo's hands? She found it hard to believe. But she knew she must do it.
Sally finally wrote her letter of resignation at the office , giving herself plenty of time to finish up her work, and still have some left over for packing, for last minute details, and for saying good-by to everyone.
“If you change your mind, you can stay.” her boss told her.
“I can't change my mind again,” Sally laughed, “They'll put me in the loony bin!”
Sally was completing a report at the office when the phone rang. It was Paolo. He had the office number, but he never called her there. “Ciao, sweetheart,” she yelled into the phone, her heart as always thrilled at the sound of his voice. She closed the office door. No one would understand what she was saying in Italian, but she would have to speak very loudly. “How are you, my love,” Sally said.
Paolo was matter of fact. “Look, Sally, I've been thinking about it. It's impossible for you to come back. I didn't tell you before, but I'm involved with someone else. You can't come back.”
The feeling of being knocked unconscious seemed to last a long time, but it must have been just milliseconds before she sputtered, “What? I don't understand...?”
“Oh, Sally,” Paolo said, “you should not have gone away. I do still love you. You will always be special to me, but these things just happen. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to worry you--what could you do so far away-but Tonino has been very ill and I have become very close to Franca, the nurse who is taking care of Tonino. She's devoted to Tonino, and he loves her too. It is almost as if she is keeping him alive. I cannot leave Franca now. Not just for myself. My life is not about me now. It is only about Tonino and this is what is best for all of us. You can't come back ....”
“Wait, Paolo, wait!” Sally cried, “I understand. I do understand. I know this seems right to you now. But you are not thinking clearly because of the circumstances. I love Tonino too and I would never take this--Franca--away from him. But it would be a mistake for both you and her if you stayed with her for these reasons when you really love me, when we really love each other.
We'll work it out. Let me come back. I must see Tonino too if he is so ill. Anyway, I can stay in a pensione while we straighten it all out, bit by bit. Franca wouldn't stop taking care of Tonino because of me, would she?”
“Yes. Yes. Maybe you're right,” Paolo said. “Forgive me, Sally. It's been a very difficult time.”
“I know,” Sally said.
CHAPTER SIXTY FOUR
Sally was no longer the happiest person in the world. It seemed that in everything she did, she was walking on egg shells. But she had faith in Paolo. And she was determined that although their dream was shadowed, it had to be fought for. She knew he didn't love Franca. He as much as admitted it. Even if Sally had to be in Rome on the sidelines for a while she would do it.
And Tonino. She must see Tonino. They would all get used to her again when she was there. So, Sally kept right on packing. The dread she felt was easing somewhat as the days passed and the solid business of getting ready to go back reassured her.
“I think it's your friend from Rome,” her secretary said, as Sally rushed back to her office to pick up the phone. She hesitated a moment. This was the second time Paolo called the office.
“Sally, I've made up my mind. It's too late for us now. It's finished. Don't come. Don't ask. Case closed.”
“But, Paolo...”
“No. It's over. Franca and I are going to stay together. I regret any problems I've caused you, but you and I just can't go back after all this time.”
“But, Paolo....”
“I don't want to talk about it. There is nothing more to say. I can't handle it now. Sally. I'm sorry.”
Sally left the office in the middle of the day to go home. She told them it was a personal emergency. And it was. For nearly the entire weekend, Sally sat staring blankly out the window, holding on to hot cups of tea. She couldn't quite grasp how life could become so bad after such happy plans.
“I'll get it,” Ruth said when the doorbell rang. Ruth cautiously closed the door and brought the telegram to Sally. It was from Paolo.
“Oh, Ruth! Thank heavens! He's come to his senses. I knew he would!”
Sally gleefully tore open the yellow flap and unfolded the page to the sparse, black letters:
TONINO DEAD. PAOLO.
CHAPTER SIXTY FIVE
Sally developed the worst case of the flu she ever had. In fact Ruth stayed home several days to take care of her. Sally was so bad, Ruth even convinced a neighborhood doctor to make a house call. Sally was running a high temperature, and couldn't keep anything down. Between her shivering, sweating, and being dehydrated, the doctor's visit was not just a reassuring formality.
Time, medicine, and Ruth's care brought Sally through the worst part, but she was still weak and wrung out for many more days. Sally could get over the flu, but she would never get over the loss of both Paolo and Tonino.
Sally knew that if she didn't want to go crazy she would have to weather each of these terrible events in her life a little at a time. She had no choice. She would force herself to start again the slow bloody climb back to a better place.
So many things went through her fuzzy mind as she lay in bed slightly out of touch with reality. So that's what was going on, Sally thought. Tonino was dying and Paolo couldn't let Franca go. He needs time. Just like I need time. He needs time for the initial shock to pass and to see that since he doesn't need Franca to nurse Tonino anymore, he will eventually be able to listen to his own heart.
And come back to Sally.
Sally would give Paolo some time, but not too much. She had it all mapped out.
Her boss gladly let her keep her job. “I never sent the resignation letter to personnel,”
he told her. “I figured it was one of those temporary foreign romances anyway.” Sally winced, but didn't dispute him. She was glad his mistaken judgment made life a little easier for her. At least for awhile.
Most everyone was very kind to Sally in her grief, although many people didn't understand it, since they knew little of her former life. They all knew it would pass and that Sally would finally get on with her life in New York, since she didn't have any other option.
Sally thought she had one more option. Seeing Paolo in person.
CHAPTER SIXTY SIX
How different everything will be, she realized as the taxi left the airport and headed towards Rome. This will be the first time I'll be in Rome when Paolo doesn't love me, Sally thought to herself. But I don't believe it! He can't have stopped loving me. He just needs to see me again. He just needs to know for sure that I'll stay.
Sally would stay.
She decided that if she could make it work again with Paolo, and if he wanted her to stay, she would just drop everything. She had already spoken to Ruth, and Ruth agreed to help her straighten things out in New York, if need be. She would have Sally's things sent over, find her important papers, and sell her car. Sally could quit her job by phone. It wouldn't be easy, but it wouldn't be the end of the world. Paolo’s wanting her to stay, and her not staying again would be the end of the world. Her whole body was taut with wishing for things to be the way they once were, and not knowing if they ever could be.
Yet in spite of this overwhelming longing, other feelings started to creep in.
As the taxi neared the city, Sally began to get butterflies in her stomach at the mere anticipation of being in her once- adored Rome. In Rome for Rome's sake. Something like joy was actually in her heart as she knew that she would be inserted back into Roman life, with all the other people she loved and who also loved her, and were eagerly awaiting her return. Mario and Elena had married and now lived in a large apartment conveniently located in the center of Rome. She would be staying with them, and she knew they would support her in her effort to go back with Paolo.
Paolo also expected her, but Sally did not know what to expect from Paolo.