Oh God. I sat back in my chair. "I'm so sorry. I swear I didn't know."
She put a hand over her mouth. "There is something. I knew it. There was something about the way he looked at you."
"I'm sorry," I said again. "If he would have told me about you, about everything, I swear that nothing would have happened between us."
"What did happen?" she said. "Did he kiss you?"
I stood up. "Maybe you should talk to Griffin about this."
"He did, didn't he?" She shook her head as if she couldn't believe it. "What did you do to him? How did you make him do that?"
I felt like my head was going to explode. "Obviously, it's a really bad idea for me to be here. I don't know why he brought me here." I couldn't bear to look at her. I felt guilty, even though it wasn't my fault. And my heart was shattering into a million pieces. Griffin had betrayed me. He'd betrayed both of us.
I ran out of the apartment, down the stairs as quickly as I could. I ran and ran. I had to get away from him.
Chapter Twelve
It had been a while since I'd been in Boston, but I found that I still knew my way around. I thought about hitting up some of the bars I used to frequent, but I realized I'd run off with no money at all. Griffin had all the cash. It wasn't particularly intelligent, was it?
Well, it was hard to make intelligent decisions when the guy I'd been falling for turned out to be a first-rate bastard.
I didn't know what to do.
I rode the T. (Thankfully, Griffin and I had bought passes earlier, and I had mine on me.) I thought it was random, that I was just riding anyplace.
But I ended up in a familiar neighborhood.
I rode the elevator to an apartment I knew.
He probably wasn't even there anymore. He'd probably moved.
He answered the door. "Leigh?"
I smiled ruefully. "Hi, Axel." Axel was an old friend. He was one of those trust-fund babies who was flunking out of the Ivy League but seemed to always land of his feet because his dad had enough money to make it go away.
He and I had sort of had similar approaches to life back when we were close. I partied with him a lot, and we were even kind of fuck buddies before I met Eric. But it was never really romantic or anything. Just convenient.
If I'd had a best friend besides Stacey, maybe Axel counted.
Sure, he was snobby, self-absorbed, and a train wreck, but we had history. I could count on him.
"Come in here," he said, opening the door wide. "Where the fuck have you been?"
I groaned. "You don't want to know."
He laughed. "Okay. Well, I guess all that matters is that you're back."
I smiled. "Yeah. I guess so." I rubbed my face. "I could really use a drink."
"You okay?" he said, ushering me inside his apartment. "You look a little lost."
"Not okay," I said.
"Some guy do you wrong?"
"How'd you guess?"
He slung an arm around me. "I know you so well, Leigh. I can't count the times you've shown up at my door post break-up."
I guessed it was kind of a habit.
"Don't you worry your pretty little head. Axel's got just the thing for that broken heart of yours."
* * *
Axel was wearing plaid pants, a white dress shirt, and a sweater vest. Somehow, he made this look like the cutting edge of fashion. He was a very good-looking guy. He had inherited his mother's cheek bones and features. His mother was a model from Sweden or something. She was like forty years younger than his dad.
Axel lounged on the plush couch in his enormous den, a martini glass in one hand. He was shaking his head. "I don't believe it. A secret kid and a baby-mama? How utterly trailer trash."
"Tell me about it," I said.
"And you're saying she thought they were still together?"
"Yeah, she did," I said. "The worst thing is that he took me to her house like it was no big deal. Like it didn't even matter."
Axel arched one eyebrow. "I really thought you usually went for men with more intelligence, Leigh."
I threw my hands in the air. "So did I."
He sipped his drink. "Because he really is absolutely idiotic, isn't it?"
"He is," I said. "Did he think I'd be okay with it or something? Did he think I'd still want to be with him after I knew what a jackass he was?"
"He probably thought you wouldn't notice."
I laughed.
Axel tittered as well. "I'm serious, Leigh. He's obviously that dim-witted."
"Obviously," I said.
"You know what you need?" he said.
I leaned forward. "What?"
He opened up a wooden container on an end table. It was filled with white powder. A tiny, jeweled coke spoon sat on top of the mounds of the drug. "A little bump."
I raised my hands. "Oh, no. I kind of quit, actually."
"So what?" he said. "This is a time of crisis." He heaped up the spoon. "Just a tiny bit is all you need. To make you feel better."
"I do feel like crap."
"This will help."
"I don't know." I really was proud of my sobriety. Hadn't I realized that cocaine had done nothing but ruin my life? But I did feel awful. Everything in my life had completely disintegrated in a matter of days. I could hardly believe I was functioning at all. If I slipped up a little, who could blame me, right? "Just a little bump."
"Right," said Axel. "Tiny." He put the spoon under my nostril. "Breathe deep, babe."
I blocked the other nostril and snorted. The drug stung the back of my nose, painful and comforting all at the same time. I closed my eyes, allowing it to do its work. Energy surged through me. Oh. I had forgotten how fucking exquisite that was. Damn, that felt good. I opened my eyes.
"Better?" said Axel.
"Much," I said.
He gave me a lopsided grin. "You know, Leigh, I remember what we used to do for each other after bad breakups."
Oh. I did too. I shook my head. "That's cool, Axel. I think it's too soon." I was feeling bubbly, alive, ready to take on the world. But there was an edge to it, I was noticing. I was falling over that edge, and the feeling was fading quickly.
His hand shot out, caressing my jaw. "You're really gorgeous."
I grinned, brushing him off. "Thank you." I sat up straight. "You think I could have another bump?" As usual, the minute I had some blow in my system, I wanted more. I needed more. I wanted that feeling back. Now.
"How about you give me a kiss, and then I give you another bump?"
I sighed. "All right, fine." I leaned forward and pecked him on the cheek. "There."
Axel grabbed me by the chin, twisted my face, and pressed his lips on mine.
I pushed him. "Axel, I said not to do that."
"What's the big deal, Leigh? It's not like we haven't done way more than kiss before." He leaned against the couch lazily. "Tell you what, babe. I'll give you one line of blow for every article of clothing you're wearing." He wiggled his eyebrows. "What do you think?"
I actually considered it for a half a second. That was a lot of lines.
Then I got up off the couch, disgusted with myself. Disgusted with him. No. I didn't want to be dependent on a stupid drug like that. I wanted to be free of it. I didn't care how good it felt, it wasn't worth losing my common sense over another few lines. Lines that wouldn't even satisfy me anyway. Not for long. "Fuck you."
"What?" He looked wounded. "We're only playing around here."
"I need a friend right now, not someone trying to get in my pants."
He rolled his eyes. "Don't be stupid, Leigh. The whole reason we were friends was to get in each other's pants."
I grimaced. "That wasn't why I was your friend." I headed for the door.
"Where you going?"
"Goodbye, Axel." I strode through his apartment.
"Don't go," he called after me. "I was only trying to have fun. Geez, Leigh, when did you become so tight-assed?"
I let myself out
.
And then I was alone again. I didn't know what to do. I walked the streets, but it was dark now. And cold. So cold. I didn't have a warm enough jacket. I huddled inside my thin coat, thinking of Stacey, thinking of my father, thinking of Jack. Everyone I cared about was dead. Or else they had turned out not to be worthy of my feelings for them. Like Axel. Or Griffin.
And my father was dead.
My father who'd never had time for me. Who'd never acknowledged me. Who'd pretended like I didn't exist.
I missed him, and I'd never really known him.
It felt like the tears froze on my cheeks, even though I knew it wasn't that cold outside.
Eventually, I ended up back on the T. Out of habit, I went the way I would have gone when I lived in Boston. Back to my dorm.
That was where Griffin found me.
He was at the station, watching people get off the T, and he ran at me the second he saw me. He grabbed me by the shoulders. "What the flying fuck?"
His gray eyes flashed. His teeth were clenched. He shook me, and I let him. "You idiot. You should never have come here. If I can find you here, then Op Wraith can find you here."
I didn't offer any resistance.
His hands moved from my shoulders to cup my face. "I didn't know where you were. I was terrified."
And then he was kissing me.
I wanted to melt and give in to it, let my knees buckle, let him support me. His lips were as sweet as they ever were.
But I didn't respond. I stood stock still until he let me go.
"Doll?" he asked.
"Don't call me that," I said.
"What's wrong?"
I laughed at that. "What's wrong? You really are dim-witted."
He let go of me. "Leigh, you run off for no reason, and then I go insane looking for you, and when I find you, you start insulting me. You're trying my patience."
"Well, we wouldn't want to do that."
He looked into my eyes. "Fuck. You're high, aren't you? You ran off to find drugs, didn't you?"
I felt ashamed. "I didn't mean to."
It was his turn to be sarcastic. "Right. I'm sure you accidentally shoved it up your nose."
"I was upset. And it was there." I squeezed my eyes shut. "It's your fault, anyway."
"My fault?" He snorted.
"Don't act innocent," I said.
He sighed. "Let's go." He gestured to the T. "We'll talk when we get somewhere private."
"I don't want to go anywhere with you." But I didn't know what I was going to do if I didn't. "Maybe if you could just give me some money-"
"What?" He was confused. "Why are you acting like this?"
"You should have told me about Beth," I said.
"Should I have?" he said.
"Yes. I was completely blindsided by her."
"I don't see why it's important," he said.
"You don't see why..." I shook my head in disbelief. "You are more of a bastard than I could possibly imagine."
He pointed at his own chest. "I'm a bastard?"
"Yes."
"You mind telling me why?"
"Ha. You need it spelled out. After everything you've done to Beth."
"What have I done to Beth?" He folded his arms over his chest. "I saved her life. I saved her baby's life-"
"So it's only her baby, then? It doesn't even have a father?"
"Not really," said Griffin. "What does that have to do with anything?"
I glared at him. "Oh, nice. You think I'm going to fall for that? She looks just like you."
He furrowed his brow. "Who does?"
"Dixie."
He took a step back. "You think that... that I'm..." He lifted both his hands, palms out. "No. Doll, absolutely not. You have this all wrong."
"You can't get out of it that easy," I said. "Beth basically laid it all out for me."
"Beth gave you this idea?"
"She was upset that we were involved." I lifted my chin in triumph. Let him try to wriggle out of that.
"She was?" Griffin scratched the top of his head. "Okay, well, I don't know. But there's not a thing with me and Beth like that."
"Bullshit."
"Goddamn it, doll, I'm not lying to you. I told you that I hadn't been with a woman since I was sixteen years old. You think I made that up?"
He had said that hadn't he? I didn't meet his gaze.
He took me by the arm. "We're going back to Beth's apartment, and we're going to clear this all up." He dragged me toward the train.
I could have struggled, but he was stronger than me. And... I don't know. It didn't exactly seem like he was lying.
* * *
"Oh," said Beth as she let us back into her apartment. "You found her. That's great." From her tone, it was anything but great.
"What's that?" said Griffin, annoyed. "You got some problem with Leigh? Is that why you told her that I was Dixie's father?"
Beth's jaw dropped. "I never said that. I never said anything like that."
"She says you did."
They both looked at me.
My mouth felt dry. Damn it, I really wished I could get another bump of coke. "She didn't really say that, Griffin. I guess I assumed that."
"This is not what you said to me before." He crossed his arms.
"It is, though," I said. "She was obviously upset because you and I are..." What were Griffin and I? Were we dating? Was he my boyfriend? Was he just the guy who fingered me? "Whatever we are."
Beth stalked across the room and sat down on her couch.
Griffin followed her. "Is that true? Did you chase her off?"
"I didn't mean for her to leave," said Beth.
"I apologized to you," I said, "because I thought Griffin had abandoned you and Dixie. I thought he had no right to be with me."
"He did abandon us," said Beth.
"I did not," said Griffin.
"You did," said Beth.
"You really feel like that?" He settled in a chair across from her.
She looked away.
He rubbed his head. "I don't think that's fair, doll."
I gritted my teeth. I did not like him calling her that. I didn't like it at all.
"You think you owe Frank so much," said Beth. "But you don't think you owe us anything."
"I don't do what I do for you out of obligation," said Griffin, clearly offended.
"But you do for me?" I said. "Because I'm Frank's daughter?"
He turned to me. "That's not what I meant."
"It kind of sounded like-"
"Hold it, doll." He held up a hand in my face. "Just wait until I clear this up with her."
My face twitched. "We can't both be 'doll.'"
"I call everyone doll," said Griffin.
"No, you don't," said Beth. She was glaring at him.
He spread his hands. "I do."
Beth drew in a noisy breath, avoiding his gaze.
I glowered at him.
He lay back in the chair, covering his face with his hands. "What the hell is going on?"
Neither Beth nor I responded.
Finally, he sat back up. "Okay. We're going to sort this out." He gestured to me. "Dol-Leigh." He sighed. "Sit down."
I perched on the opposite side of the couch from Beth.
"What did you say to her?" he asked Beth.
"I wasn't trying to make her run away," said Beth. She turned to me. "I wasn't. I mean it."
"Okay," I said.
"What did you say?" he asked.
"I wanted to know what was going on with you two," she said. "I saw the way you looked at her, and..."
"And what?" he said. "What does it matter how I look at her? Why do you care?"
She laughed in disbelief. "You bastard."
"Would both of you stop calling me names, please?" he said.
She shut her eyes. "Could you and I talk alone, Griff?"
That fucking nickname again. It made me seethe.
"I don't think so," he said. "Not when
you've somehow managed to make my girlfriend think I have something going with you. I'm not going to do that to her. You say whatever you need to in front of her."
Did he just call me his girlfriend? My heart surged.
She took a deep breath. She picked up a pillow and began to squish it nervously. "All right. You remember last fall, that time in the car, when I kissed you?"
He nodded slowly. "But you were pregnant, and you were lonely, and that wasn't about me, Beth. You know it wasn't."
"You can tell yourself that, if you want, I guess," she said. "But I'd just been working up the courage. I thought maybe you might... you saved me, you know. I thought maybe it meant something."
"I saved you because it was the right thing to do," he said.
"Yeah," she said. "And you told me that you didn't kiss people anyway. You said you were asexual. That you were broken."
Griffin looked at his feet. His Adam's apple bobbed.
"So what's different about her, huh?"
He rubbed the top of his head. "When I said that to you, I swear to God, I thought it was true."
"And she changed your mind? Why? Because she doesn't have a baby? Because her hair is long and straight, not wavy like mine? Because she's Frank's daughter?"
"I just never thought about you that way," he said. "And I didn't think you thought that way about me. Not really."
"Well, I do," she said. "I'm in love with you, Griffin. I always have been."
He stood up. "What?" His voice was very soft.
"I'm not saying it again."
He drew a hand over his face. "I need some air." He turned and walked out of the apartment.
Beth put the pillow over her face. "Shit, shit, shit."
I didn't feel like I belonged here anymore. I got to my feet and went to the door as quietly as I could.
"Did he fuck you?" she said from behind me.
I froze and turned. "That's not your business."
She narrowed her eyes. "He didn't, did he? Well, that's something. Maybe he's not a raging liar after all."
"Listen, I'm sorry-"
"Save it," she said. "Your father was just like the rest of them, you know that? He was as corrupt and as cowardly and as obsessed with money as everyone else there. He wasn't any kind of hero, no matter what Griffin thinks."
"I know that," I said. "I think my dad wanted to change, though. But I think it was too late."
"Maybe it's always too late," she said. "Or maybe people don't actually change."
I shrugged. "Maybe."
"Like Griffin," she said. "He's going to let you down. He lets you think he's superman, that he can handle everything. But he's not. He's far from perfect. And he will abandon you, just like he abandoned me."
I fled from the apartment.
There was an outdoor landing here. The night air skittered over the concrete stairs. It was cold.