You’ll know how much I long for you
How every note’s a song for you
You’ll know
How I just want to breathe you in
And lose myself inside your skin
I’ll hold you and you’ll know
She tried to let the music in, inspiring her, telling her how she should move. But it hurt too much. She was hanging on by a thread, and this song would sever it. She clicked off the music and stood, breathing hard, unwilling to accept the sheer futility of a love story that had only one possible ending. All week long she had danced for him, hoping he was watching and missing her like she missed him. She turned the music back on. She wouldn’t call, she wouldn’t beg, but she would dance. She would make him come back to her.
***
Her emotion pulled at him like silken tentacles, and he knew he couldn’t resist her much longer. He tried to lose himself in the haze of nothingness that he called floating, but he had felt her calling to him, and he slid back to Earth. He had watched her, day after day, trying to create distance by turning away, only to find himself staring helplessly at her once more. Her dancing called to him, but it was also the thing that reminded him she didn’t belong with him. She had a gift and that gift would take her far away, and he would have to let her go. He wanted her to go. He just wished, with everything he still was, that he could go with her.
She cried out for him now, and as hard as it was to turn his back on her love, it would be worse to trap her with it. He flashed himself to the farthest corner of the school, putting as much physical distance between them as possible and clenched his hands to his head, filling his mind with radio waves and static. His mind’s eye kept trying to tune her in, as if her signal was stronger than all the others. He fought it desperately, and breathed his relief when he felt her stop dancing.
It wasn’t until later on that he felt her loneliness and her longing for him well up again like a black cloud. She was so unhappy. Her misery clung to him, suffocating him. With a tortured groan, he clung to his self-imposed exile, but it was a losing battle. He told himself he would just check on her, just allow himself one small glimpse.
She was in the cafeteria. Rows of tables filled with laughing, talking, eating teenagers surrounded her like a human maze. Shad sat beside her, and he was clearly angry. He was looking at a nearby table filled with students, a few of whom Johnny recognized. The guy named Derek was standing on the bench and waving his hands, calling attention to himself. The cafeteria noise dimmed to a dull roar, and the guy on the bench commenced speaking.
“It seems a certain, attractive female – OUCH, damn it – stop it, Dara!” Derek was getting slapped by the girl sitting next to him. Johnny recognized her as the girl on Maggie’s dance team. The one he’d taught a small lesson to a while back. She didn’t seem to like her boyfriend referring to another female as attractive.
“Anyway, it seems as if a certain, uh….female came alone to the Winter Ball a few weeks ago. This female looked oh-so-fine.” He shot a warning look down at Dara, “But interestingly enough, halfway through the dance she was nowhere to be found. Her friends thought for sure she had left the dance and gone home. But to our surprise her car was still in the school parking lot when the dance was over!” The kids around him hooted appreciatively, and some sent up a few cat-calls.
“In fact,” the kid continued, soaking up the attention like a TV game show host, “Maggie’s car was still in the lot early the next morning!” The noise rose even further, and people were pointing and laughing, eyebrows raised and hands covering O-shaped mouths.
“Oops, sorry Maggie. I wasn’t going to say your name, but…oh well.” Derek smirked over at Maggie and made a little kissy face at her.
“Now Maggie won’t tell me who she was with. In fact, she told me to go to hell!” A couple kids clapped and whistled and a few booed. “So I want to offer $20 to who ever can tell me who our little Maggie spent the night with…. ‘cause I wanna give that SOB a high five!”
Maggie looked stricken, her face infused with color, her blue eyes bright with angry tears. She straightened, her spine as stiff as a board, and stood from the table, her untouched lunch tray clenched in her hands. She turned and headed toward the garbage without saying a word.
“Come on, Maggie! Don’t go! I’m proud of ya!” The loud-mouthed punk shouted after her. Shad slammed his tray down and stood to follow her.
“Hey, Shad! Your momma hasn’t been teaching Maggie some new tricks has she?” Derek howled with laughter, slapping the hands raised to him in high fives supporting his antics.
Shad froze in his tracks. Maggie looked as if she was going to be sick. Johnny was overcome with a pulsing, red fury. He swung his arms and sent lunch trays flying down tables, upending drinks and splashing food into laps. Kids cried out and scattered. Trays hit the floors, and food splattered over fleeing students. The table that Maggie’s persecutor was perched on began to shake as Johnny ordered it to quake and topple. Derek jumped just as the table tossed its human occupants and skidded across the floor, slamming into another empty table nearby. Johnny bumped a confused student, making sure the tray she was holding sloshed its contents over Derek’s head, sending spaghetti sauce spilling over his spiky hair and down into the collar of his shirt.
Johnny roared, and milk cartons exploded all over the room like bottle rockets and several kids screamed.
“Johnny... Johnny! That’s enough…stop!” Maggie stood next to him, her eyes wild, hectic spots of red high on her cheeks. She grabbed his arm, and Johnny realized he hadn’t kept himself hidden from her. He had lost his temper in a very messy way. Shad was standing just beyond her, and he was doubled over in laughter.
“What was that?! That was awesome!! I didn’t even see who started it! Food Fight! Food Fight! Food Fight!” Shad started pumping his fists and chanting, not seeing the principal bearing down on him. He ceased chanting abruptly when Ms. Bailey grabbed him by the shoulder and marched him out of the lunchroom.
Apparently, several students were taking the rap for Johnny’s display of temper, Derek included. There was some justice in the world, it seemed. Derek and several others were being led out of the room, heading in the same direction as poor Shad. Maggie overheard Derek protesting and watched as he was forcibly removed from the lunchroom.
“Nobody threw anything!” he cried. “It was like an earthquake hit the cafeteria. We weren’t having a food fight! I swear!”
Maggie looked back at Johnny, and her mouth twitched slightly. Johnny just shook his head; this wasn’t good. This was the second time he had caused mayhem in a very public way. He had to get control of himself. He looked down into Maggie’s big blue eyes and groaned. Her glasses had been splattered with sauce and she’d taken them off. She stared up at him with her heart in her eyes, love written all over her face. She was so unbelievably beautiful. He wasn’t going to get control any time soon. Here he was, back at square one. All that suffering, staying away from her, trying to protect her – all of it was for nothing now, and he didn’t think he had the strength to do it again.
“Can we just go somewhere, just for a little while?” Maggie held herself stiffly, her arms crossed in front of her, bracing herself for his refusal. But her eyes pleaded.
“Maggie….this won’t end well.” His voice was a tortured whisper.
“You can’t make me leave you again. I’ve missed you so much.” Her lips trembled, and his iron will shattered like a thousand pieces of glass.
Johnny grabbed Maggie’s hand, and they walked quickly through the double doors, leaving the chaos of the lunchroom behind them. He pulled her down a flight of stairs and through a large corridor before coming to a stop outside the one place he thought they might spend the afternoon undisturbed. No one paid Maggie any attention as she slipped into the dark auditorium and pulled the door shut behind her. She waited a moment for her eyes to adjust to the dark, feeling Johnny beside her, relishing the heat and energy rising from him. The
stage loomed before them, unlit and empty, the curtains pulled wide to reveal glossy floors and darkened overhead lights.
The room echoed soundlessly with the highly charged emotions of a thousand performances. How many prayers had been offered here, pleas for courage and sparkling performances, heartfelt wishes for audience adoration and flawless deliveries? Maggie thought for a moment that she could see ghostly apparitions flitting across the stage. There was so much trapped energy and emotion in this room. It felt almost like a place of worship, a synagogue or a cathedral, where the dreams of so many played out in living color, year after year.
“Come with me,” Johnny whispered, as if unwilling to disturb the church-like silence of the waiting theatre. He wrapped his arms around her and gathered energy around him like a rocket’s boosters preparing for launch. But this time, the lift-off was a silent, weightless, rising. There was no explosive vortex of light and motion. This time, it was more like a suspension of gravity. They floated slowly upwards, gliding above the rows of deep set chairs and carpeted aisles. The ceiling was domed with a second row of balcony seats positioned on each side of a large sound box that boasted a spectacular view of the stage beyond.
Maggie watched as her feet rose farther and farther above solid ground. She felt like Lois Lane in the arms of Superman. She looked up in wonder as the ceiling loomed closer. The darkness was an undisturbed frontier, enveloping them in silky solitude. Suddenly, tiny white lights flickered on, puncturing the blackness with starlight.
“It’s like floating in space!” Maggie sighed, pleasure washing over her.
“There aren’t many things I can show you or places I can take you, but I can show you how it feels to fly.”
“Being with you always feels like flying,” Maggie whispered.
“And being with you brings me back to Earth.”
“Somehow, I think I’m getting the better end of the deal,” Maggie murmured, her face glowing dimly in the white light.
“If only that were true, I wouldn’t hate myself every time I give in to my need to be with you.”
Maggie placed a hand over his warm mouth. “There will be no talk of regrets today. There will be no remorse or second thoughts; today we belong to no one or nothing but each other. Tomorrow will come soon enough and it will take care of itself.”
Silently they floated until Johnny, with no apparent effort, sent them soaring lightly through the curtained opening of the stage and into a high loft where a myriad of old costumes and props were stored. Maggie felt solid ground under her feet, and the pull of gravity reengaged. Life’s weight reasserted itself, and Maggie wasn’t ready to return just yet.
“I don’t want to stop,” Maggie sighed mournfully. Johnny laughed silently, touching his forehead to hers and sliding his hands down to the small of her back.
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t wait any longer,” he breathed.
Maggie was confused by his statement, wondering if he could only maintain weightlessness for so long.
“I couldn’t wait any longer,” Johnny repeated. “I wanted to kiss you so bad, but I didn’t want to lose control and send us plummeting to the ground.”
Maggie’s heart fluttered out of her chest and flitted away on butterfly wings. Her eyes slipped closed as he tiptoed his fingers up her spine and lightly traced the long line from her shoulders to her hands. He released her hands and circled her waist, his long hands spanning from her ribs to her hips. Pulling her close, he buried his face in the crook of her neck and was overcome by the desire to dissolve into her. Maggie stroked his hair, her wish to continue flying long forgotten. Johnny raised his head, needing his mouth on hers, trailing his lips across her silky cheek. She met him halfway and brushed her lips softly across his, tasting his warm honey flavor and savoring her name on his lips as he crushed his mouth to hers. They were desperate to be closer, to lose themselves entirely, and never be apart again.
The afternoon passed languidly – as if time had ceased and an alternate world had opened up where they were the only inhabitants. Maggie drug out a box of ancient costumes: top hats, coattails, and dresses with flowing skirts and puffy sleeves. There was a long oval mirror propped in the corner, and Maggie had the inspiration to dress Johnny up and see what he looked like in the mirror. Surely his costume wouldn’t disappear, too. Sure enough, the slacks and suit jacket draped him as if a flesh and blood man wore them. The top hat floated above a missing head, and his cane twirled from an empty sleeve. Johnny didn’t know why he hadn’t thought of this before. He could really scare the student body of Honeyville High now.
“You look so dashing,” Maggie teased, amazed that his missing reflection no longer had the power to frighten her. It was as if she had embraced all of him, accepting the truth of him, and feared it no more.
Johnny stuck a thick black mustache below his nose and curled his upper lip to prevent it from falling off. The mustache waggled magically on the headless figure in the mirror, and they both burst out laughing.
Maggie found a Marilyn Monroe wig and pulled it on. She struck a seductive pose and asked Johnny in a breathy voice if he preferred blondes.
“I always thought I did – until I met a cute little bug with big blue eyes and long dark hair. I’m a brunette man these days.”
“Really? You preferred blondes?” Maggie stood, hands on her hips, glowering at him.
“I liked girls, period, Maggie.”
“I’m guessing they liked you, too,” Maggie moped, flopping dejectedly onto an old stool.
“I would be lying if I told you they didn’t.” Johnny’s grin was rakish, and he waggled his brows lasciviously, making her chuckle in spite of her jealousy.
“What about you? Have you ever…liked anyone before?” Johnny asked, trying not to care.
“No,” Maggie said frankly. “I never have. Maybe it was just the lack of opportunity, or my survivalist mentality, but I never met anyone who turned my head…not until you.” She pulled off the blonde wig and ran her fingers through her mussed hair.
Johnny reached out and followed where her hands left off, pulling the slippery strands through his fingers. He studied her for a moment, devotion and desire playing across his features. He pulled her back to her feet in front of the mirror and stood behind her, wrapping his arms around her. They stared soberly at the image reflected back at them – a beautiful girl held in the invisible arms of her soul mate. He moved around her then, stepping in front of the mirror, replacing the haunting image with something more tangible.
“Maggie. I have never loved a girl…not until you,” he confessed softly.
Maggie swallowed the emotion that constricted her throat. She had told Johnny many times that she loved him, but he had never said the words to her. He’d fought it – resisted it, maybe for her sake more than his. Now that he had given those words to her, she wouldn’t let him take them back. She was keeping them and keeping him for as long as time would allow.
Before long, the alternate universe they inhabited was absorbed back into reality, and Maggie reluctantly tossed the costumes back into the box and tidied the dusty area. Kissing her softly and lifting her in his arms, Johnny sent them floating back across the dark auditorium, setting her down where the journey had begun hours before. They didn’t say goodbye when they parted. They both knew they had abandoned goodbye. Come what may, there would be no more goodbyes.
***
Shad slammed the empty trash can down and kicked the door to the bathroom stall. He banged his way through all his janitorial duties that afternoon, slamming this, pounding that, taking out his frustration on everything in his path. After weeks of Maggie looking like she was dying a slow and painful death – circles under her eyes, sad smile, vacant expression -- she showed up after school looking like she had won the lottery. Shad was no fool. He knew what was up. She had seen her imaginary friend again, and he had lit up her whole world. How wonderful.
And to think he’d been worried about her all afternoon, worrying about
the things that fathead Derek had said. He had wondered if she would even show up for work at all. He’d told Grandpa Gus a little about what had happened at lunch when Gus had shown up to bail him out of the Principal's office. Shad had sworn up and down that he had not thrown a single item and there had been no one to say otherwise. He had copped to chanting “food fight” and submitted to lunch detention for all of next week, and they let him go.
His grandpa had been cool about it, really. He had just reminded Shad who would be doing all the heavy cleaning in the cafeteria. He had been concerned for Maggie and was just as surprised as Shad when she showed up for work all glow-y and smiley. How marvelous. It made Shad want to hurl. Apparently, Johnny “The Ghost” Kinross hadn’t gotten the message. Shad had kept his end of the bargain. Take care of her?? He’d been tryin’! How could he take care of her if a certain somebody kept steppin’ in and messin’ things up?
Now here he was, cleaning up a mess he hadn’t made. That food fight had erupted at the perfect time, though, Shad had to admit. It was almost enough to make Shad believe there really was a God. Maggie seemed unaware of Shad’s frustration or even of his presence. She hummed as she scrubbed the baseboards in the cafeteria, her big glasses sliding down on her nose, her cute rear end in the air. Shad sighed. Sometimes he felt like the parent. What was he going to do with her?
18
“WHO’S SORRY NOW?”
Connie Francis - 1958
“The next thing I knew, the table was shaking and lunch trays were falling, and milk cartons were exploding – I kid you not! I literally got thrown right off the bench. There has been some really strange stuff going on around this school. Remember that day in the hallway? The lockers just started swinging, man. Crap was flying everywhere. Trevor even got a bloody nose. And we weren’t the only ones who saw it! You can ask Jacob and Tasha and Jordan. We were all there. Then, just before Christmas break, Dara was locking up the dance room, and the lights flickered off and on, and the radio turned on by itself and started flipping through different channels. She thought I was doing it. She tried to get out of the room and the door wouldn’t open. She was pissed, man! But I swear I had nothing to do with it.”