CHAPTER THIRTY.
IN WHICH MR. VANSLYPERKEN TREATS THE LADIES.
On the second day after his arrival, Vanslyperken, as agreed, went up tothe syndic's house to call upon Ramsay. The latter paid him down onehundred pounds for his passage and services; and Vanslyperken was sopleased, that he thought seriously, as soon as he had amassed sufficientmoney, to withdraw himself from the service, and retire with hisill-gotten gains; but when would a miser like Vanslyperken have amassedsufficient money? Alas! never, even if the halter were half round hisneck. Ramsay then gave his instructions to Vanslyperken, advising himto call for letters previously to his sailing, and telling him that hemust open the Government despatches in the way to which he had beenwitness, take full memorandums of the contents, and bring them to him,for which service he would each time receive fifty pounds as aremuneration. Vanslyperken bowed to his haughty new acquaintance, andquitted the house.
"Yes," thought Ramsay, "that fellow is a low, contemptible traitor, andbow infamous does treason appear in that wretch! but--I--I am notraitor--I have forfeited my property and risked my life in fidelity tomy king, and in attempting to rid the world of an usurper and a tyrant.Here, indeed, I am playing a traitor's part to my host, but still I amdoing my duty. An army without spies would be incomplete, and one maydescend to that office for the good of one's country without tarnish ordisgrace. Am I not a traitor to her already? Have not I formed visionsin my imagination already of obtaining her hand, and her heart, and herfortune? Is not this treachery? Shall I not attempt to win heraffections under disguise as her father's friend and partisan? But whathave women to do with politics? Or if they have, do not they set solight a value upon them, that they will exchange them for a feather?Yes, surely; when they love, their politics are the politics of thosethey cling to. At present, she is on her father's side; but if sheleave her father and cleave to me, her politics will be transferred withher affections. But then her religion. She thinks me a Protestant.Well, love is all in all with women; not only politics but religion mustyield to it: `thy people shall be my people, and thy God shall be myGod,' as Ruth says in the Scriptures. She is wrong in politics, I willput her right. She is wrong in religion, I will restore her to thebosom of the church. Her wealth would be sacrificed to some heretic; itwere far better that it belonged to one who supports the true religionand the good cause. In what way, therefore, shall I injure her? On thecontrary." And Ramsay walked down-stairs to find Wilhelmina. Such werethe arguments used by the young cavalier, and with which he fullysatisfied himself that he was doing rightly; had he argued the otherside of the question, he would have been equally convinced, as mostpeople are, when they argue without any opponent; but we must leave himto follow Vanslyperken.
Mr Vanslyperken walked away from the syndic's house with thecomfortable idea that one side of him was heavier than the other by onehundred guineas. He also ruminated; he had already obtained threehundred pounds, no small sum, in those days I or a lieutenant. It istrue that he had lost the chance of thousands by the barking ofSnarleyyow, and he had lost the fair Portsmouth widow; but then he wasagain on good terms with the Frau Vandersloosh, and was in a fair way ofmaking his fortune, and, as he considered, with small risk. His mother,too, attracted a share of his reminiscences; the old woman would soondie, and then he would have all that she had saved. Smallbonesoccasionally intruded himself, but that was but for a moment. And MrVanslyperken walked away very well satisfied, upon the whole, with his_esse_ and _posse_. He wound up by flattering himself that he shouldwind up with the savings of his mother, his half-pay, the widow'sguilders, and his own property--altogether it would be prettycomfortable. But we leave him and return to Corporal Van Spitter.
Corporal Van Spitter had had wisdom enough to dupe Vanslyperken, andpersuade him that he was very much in love with Babette; andVanslyperken, who was not at all averse to this amour, permitted thecorporal to go on shore and make love. As Vanslyperken did not like thecutter and Snarleyyow to be left without the corporal or himself, healways remained on board when the corporal went, so that the widow hadenough on hand--pretending love all the morning with the lieutenant, andindemnifying herself by real love with the corporal after dusk. Her fathand was kissed and slobbered from morning to night, but it was half forlove and half for revenge.
But we must leave the corporal, and return to Jemmy Ducks. Jemmy wastwo days in the cave before the arrival of the boat, during which hemade himself a great favourite, particularly with Lilly, who sat downand listened to his fiddle and his singing. It was a novelty in thecave, anything like amusement. On the third night, however, Sir R.Barclay came back from Cherbourg, and as he only remained one hour,Jemmy was hastened on board, taking leave of his wife, but not partingwith his fiddle. He took his berth as steersman, in lieu of Ramsay, andgave perfect satisfaction. The intelligence brought over by Sir Robertrendered an immediate messenger to Portsmouth necessary; and, as itwould create less suspicion, Moggy was the party now entrusted in lieuof Nancy, who had been lately seen too often, and, it was supposed, hadbeen watched, Moggy was not sorry to receive her instructions, whichwere, to remain at Portsmouth until Lazarus the Jew should give herfurther orders; for there was one point which Moggy was most anxious toaccomplish, now that she could do it without risking a retaliation uponher husband, which was, to use her own expression, to pay off thatsnivelling old rascal, Vanslyperken.
But we must leave Moggy and the movements of individuals, and return toour general history. The Yungfrau was detained a fortnight atAmsterdam, and then received the despatches of the States General andthose of Ramsay, with which Vanslyperken returned to Portsmouth. On hisarrival, he went through his usual routine at the admiral's and theJew's, received his douceur, and hastened to his mother's house, when hefound the old woman, as she constantly prophesied, not dead yet.
"Well, child, what have you brought--more gold?"
"Yes," replied Vanslyperken, laying down the one hundred and fiftyguineas which he had received.
"Bless thee, my son--bless thee!" said the old woman, laying her palsiedhand upon Vanslyperken's head. "It is not often I bless--I never didbless, as I can recollect--I like cursing better. My blessing must beworth something, if it's only for its scarcity; and do you know why Ibless thee, my Cornelius? Because--ha, ha, ha! because you are amurderer and a traitor, and you love gold."
Even Vanslyperken shuddered at the hag's address.
"What do you ever gain by doing good in this world? Nothing butlaughter and contempt. I began the world like a fool, but I shall goout of it like a wise woman, hating, despising everything but gold. AndI have had my revenge in my time--yes--yes--the world, my son, isdivided into only two parts, those who cheat, and those who arecheated--those who master, and those who are mastered--those who areshackled by superstitions and priests, and those who, like me, fearneither God nor devil. We must all die; yes, but I shan't die yet, no,no."
And Vanslyperken almost wished that he could gain the unbelief of thedecrepit woman whom he called mother, and who, on the verge of eternity,held fast to such a creed.
"Well, mother, perhaps it may be you are right--I never gained anythingby a good action yet."
_Query_. Had he ever done a good action?
"You're my own child, I see, after all; you have my blessing, Cornelius,my son--go and prosper. Get gold--get gold," replied the old hag,taking up the money, and locking it up in the oak chest.
Vanslyperken then narrated to his mother the unexpected interview withSmallbones, and his surmise that the lad was supernaturally gifted."Ah, well," replied she, "those who are born to be hung will die by noother death; but still it does not follow that they will not die. Youshall have your revenge, my child. The lad shall die. Try again;water, you say, rejects him? Fire will not harm him. There is thatwhich is of the earth and of the air left. Try again, my son; revengeis sweet--next to gold."
After two hours' conversation, it grew dark, and Vanslyperken departed,revolvin
g in his mind, as he walked away, the sublime principles ofreligion and piety, in the excellent advice given by his aged mother."I wish I could only think as she does," muttered Vanslyperken at last;and as he concluded this devout wish, his arm was touched by aneatly-dressed little girl, who courtesied, and asked if he was notLieutenant Vanslyperken, belonging to the cutter? Vanslyperken repliedin the affirmative, and the little girl then said that a lady, hermistress, wished to speak to him.
"Your mistress, my little girl?" said Vanslyperken, suspiciously; "andpray, who is your mistress?"
"She is a lady, sir," replied the latter; "she was married to MajorWilliams, but he is dead."
"Huh! a widow; well, what does she want? I don't know her."
"No, sir, and she don't know you; but she told me if you did not come atonce, to give you this paper to read."
Vanslyperken took the paper, and walking to the window of a shop inwhich there was a light, contrived to decipher as follows:--
"Sir,
"The lady who lived in Castle Street has sent me a letter and a parcel, to deliver up into your own hands, as the parcel is of value. The bearer of this will bring you to my house.
"Your very obedient,
"JANE WILLIAMS."
"Two o'clock."
"Where does your mistress live, little girl?" inquired Vanslyperken, whoimmediately anticipated the portrait of the fair widow set in diamonds.
"She lives in one of the publics on the Hard, sir, on the first floor,while she is furnishing her lodgings."
"One of the publics on the Hard! Well, my little girl, I will go withyou."
"I have been looking for you everywhere, sir," said the little girl,walking, or rather trotting, by the side of Vanslyperken, who stridedalong.
"Did your mistress know the lady who lived in Castle Street?"
"O yes, sir; my mistress then lived next door to her in Castle Street;but her lease was out, and now she has a much larger house in WilliamStreet, but she is painting and furnishing all so handsome, sir, and sonow she has taken the first floor of the Wheatsheaf till she can get inagain."
And Mr Vanslyperken thought it would be worth his while to reconnoitrethis widow before he closed with the Frau Vandersloosh. How selfish menare!
In a quarter of an hour Mr Vanslyperken and the little girl had arrivedat the public-house in question. Mr Vanslyperken did not much admirethe exterior of the building, but it was too dark to enable him to takean accurate survey. It was, however, evident, that it was a pot-house,and nothing more; and Mr Vanslyperken thought that lodgings must bevery scarce in Portsmouth. He entered the first and inner door, and thelittle girl said she would go up-stairs and let her mistress know thathe was come. She ran up, leaving Mr Vanslyperken alone in the darkpassage. He waited for some time, when his naturally suspicious tempermade him think he had been deceived, and he determined to wait outsideof the house, which appeared very disreputable. He therefore retreatedto the inner door to open it, but found it fast. He tried it again andagain, but in vain, and he became alarmed and indignant. Perceiving alight through another keyhole, he tried the door, and it was open; ascreen was close to the door as he entered, and he could not see itsoccupants. Mr Vanslyperken walked round, and as he did so, he heardthe door closed and locked. He looked on the other side of the screen,and, to his horror, found himself in company with Moggy Salisbury, andabout twenty other females. Vanslyperken made a precipitate retreat tothe door, but he was met by three or four women, who held him fast bythe arms. Vanslyperken would have disgraced himself by drawing hiscutlass; but they were prepared for this; and while two of them pinionedhis arms, one of them drew his cutlass from its sheath, and walked awaywith it. Two of the women contrived to hold his arms, while anotherpushed him in the rear, until he was brought from behind the screen intothe middle of the room, facing his incarnate enemy, Moggy Salisbury.
"Good evening to you, Mr Vanslyperken," cried Moggy, not rising fromher chair. "It's very kind of you to come and see me in this friendlyway--come, take a chair, and give us all the news."
"Mistress Salisbury, you had better mind what you are about with aking's officer," cried Vanslyperken, turning more pale at this mockery,than if he had met with abuse. "There are constables, and stocks, andgaols, and whipping-posts on shore, as well as the cat on board."
"I know all that, Mr Vanslyperken," replied Moggy, calmly; "but thathas nothing to do with the present affair: you have come of your ownaccord to this house to see somebody, that is plain, and you have foundme. So now do as you're bid, like a polite man; sit down, and treat theladies. Ladies, Mr Vanslyperken stands treat, and, please the pigs,we'll make a night of it. What shall it be? I mean to take my share ofa bottle of Oporto. What will you have, Mrs Slamkoe?"
"I'll take a bowl of burnt brandy, with your leave, Mrs Salisbury, notbeing very well in my inside."
"And you, my dear?"
"O, punch for me--punch to the mast," cried another. "I'll drink enoughto heat a jolly-boat. It's very kind of Mr Vanslyperken."
All the ladies expressed their several wishes, and Vanslyperken knew notwhat to do; he thought he might as well make an effort, for the demandon his purse he perceived would be excessive, and he loved his money.
"You may all call for what you please," said Vanslyperken, "but you'llpay for what you call for. If you think that I am to be swindled inthis way out of my money, you're mistaken. Every soul of you shall bewhipped at the cart's tail to-morrow."
"Do you mean to insinuate that I am not a respectable person, sir?" saida fierce-looking virago, rubbing her fist against Vanslyperken's nose."Smell that!"
It was not a nosegay at all to the fancy of Mr Vanslyperken; he threwhimself back, and his chair fell with him. The ladies laughed, and MrVanslyperken rose in great wrath.
"By all the devils in hell," he exclaimed, whirling the chair round hishead, "but I'll do you a mischief!"
But he was soon pinioned from behind.
"This is very unpolite conduct," said one; "you call yourself agentleman?"
"What shall we do, ladies?"
"Do!" replied another; "let's strip him, and pawn his clothes, and thenturn him adrift."
"Well, that's not a bad notion," replied the others; and they forthwithproceeded to take off Mr Vanslyperken's coat and waistcoat. How muchfurther they would have gone it is impossible to say, for MrVanslyperken had made up his mind to buy himself off as cheap as hecould.
Be it observed, that Moggy never interfered, nor took any part in thisviolence; on the contrary, she continued sitting in her chair, and said,"Indeed, ladies, I request you will not be so violent, Mr Vanslyperkenis my friend. I am sorry that he will not treat you; but if he willnot, I beg you will allow him to go away."
"There, you hear," cried Mr Vanslyperken; "Mrs Salisbury, am I atliberty to depart?"
"Certainly, Mr Vanslyperken; you have my full permission. Ladies, Ibeg that you will let him go."
"No, by the living dingo! not till he treats us," cried one of thewomen; "why did he come into this shop, but for nothing else? I'll havemy punch afore he starts."
"And I my burnt brandy." So cried they all, and Mr Vanslyperken, whosecoat and waistcoat were already off, and finding many fingers very busyabout the rest of his person, perceived that Moggy's neutrality was alla sham, so he begged to be heard.
"Ladies, I'll do anything in reason. As far as five shillings--"
"Five shillings!" exclaimed the woman; "no, no--why, a foremast manwould come down with more than that. And you a lieutenant! Fiveguineas, now, would be saying something."
"Five guineas! why I have not so much money. Upon my soul, I hav'n't."
"Let us see," said one of the party, diving like an adept intoVanslyperken's trousers-pocket, and pulling out his purse. The moneywas poured out on the table, and twelve guineas counted out.
"Then whose money is this?" cried the woman; "not yours, on your soul;have you been taking a purse to-night? I vote we sen
ds for aconstable."
"I quite forgot that I had put more money in my purse," mutteredVanslyperken, who never expected to see it again. "I'll treat youladies, treat you all to whatever you please."
"Bravo! that's spoken like a man," cried the virago, giving Vanslyperkena slap on the back which knocked the breath out of his body.
"Bravo!" exclaimed another, "that's what I call handsome; let's all kisshim, ladies."
Vanslyperken was forced to go through this ordeal, and then the door wasunlocked, but carefully guarded, while the several orders were given.
"Who is to pay for all this?" exclaimed the landlady.
"This gentleman treats us all," replied the woman.
"Oh! very well--is it all right, sir?"
Vanslyperken dared not say no: he was in their power, and every eyewatched him as he gave his answer; so he stammered out "Yes," and, in afit of despair at the loss of his money, he threw himself into hischair, and meditated revenge.
"Give Mr Vanslyperken his purse, Susan," said the prudent Moggy to theyoung woman who had taken it out of his pocket.
The purse was returned, and, in a few minutes, the various liquors andmixtures demanded made their appearance, and the jollificationcommenced. Every one was soon quite happy, with the exception of MrVanslyperken, who, like Pistol, ate his leek, swearing in his own mindhe would be horribly revenged.
"Mr Vanslyperken, you must drink my health in some of this punch."Vanslyperken compressed his lips, and shook his head. "I say yes, MrVanslyperken," cried the virago, looking daggers; "if you don't, wequarrel--that's all."
But Vanslyperken argued in his mind that his grounds of complaint wouldbe weakened, if he partook of the refreshment which he had been forcedto pay for, so he resolutely denied.
"Von't you listen to my harguments, Mr Vanslyperken?" continued thewoman. "Well, then, I must resort to the last, which I never knew failyet." The woman went to the fire and pulled out the poker, which wasred hot, from between the bars. "Now then, my beauty, you must kissthis, or drink some punch;" and she advanced it towards his nose, whilethree or four others held him fast on his chair behind; the poker,throwing out a glow of heat, was within an inch of the poor lieutenant'snose: he could stand it no more, his face and eyes were scorched.
"Yes, yes," cried he at last, "if I must drink, then, I will. We willsettle this matter by-and-by," cried Vanslyperken, pouring down withindignation the proffered glass.
"Now, Susan, don't ill-treat Mr Vanslyperken: I purtest against allill-treatment."
"Ill-treat, Mrs Salisbury! I am only giving him a lesson inpurliteness."
"Now, Mr What-the-devil's-your-name, you must drink off a glass of myburnt brandy, or I shall be jealous," cried another; "and when I amjealous I always takes to red-hot pokers." Resistance was in vain, thepoker was again taken from between the bars, and the burnt brandy wentdown.
Again and again was Mr Vanslyperken forced to pour down his throat allthat was offered to him, or take the chance of having his nose burntoff.
"Is it not wrong to mix your liquors in this way, Mr Vanslyperken?"said Moggy, in bitter mockery.
The first allowance brought in was now dispatched, and the bell rung,and double as much more ordered, to Vanslyperken's great annoyance; buthe was in the hands of the Philistines. What made the matter worse,was, that the company grew every moment more uproarious, and there wasno saying when they would stop.
"A song--a song--a song from Mr Vanslyperken," cried one of the party.
"Hurrah! yes, a song from the jolly lieutenant."
"I can't sing," replied Vanslyperken.
"You shall sing, by the piper who played before Moses," said the virago;"if not, you shall sing out to some purpose;" and the red-hot poker wasagain brandished in her masculine fist, and she advanced to him, saying,"Suppose we hargue that point?"
"Would you murder me, woman?"
"No; singing is no murder, but we ax a song, and a song we must have."
"I don't know one--upon my honour I don't," cried Vanslyperken.
"Then, we'll larn you. And now you repeat after me."
"`Poll put her arms a-kimbo.' Sing--come, out with it." And the pokerwas again advanced.
"O God!" cried Vanslyperken.
"Sing, or by heavens I'll shorten your nose! Sing, I say," repeated thewoman, advancing the poker so as actually to singe the skin.
"Take it away, and I will," cried Vanslyperken, breathless.
"Well then, `Poll put her arms a-kimbo.'"
"`Poll put her arms a-kimbo,'" repeated Vanslyperken.
"That's saying, not singing," cried the woman. "Now again. `At theadmiral's house looked she.'"
"`At the admiral's house looked she,'" replied Vanslyperken, in awhining tone.
Thus, with the poker staring him in the face, was Vanslyperken made torepeat the very song for singing which he would have flogged JemmyDucks. There was, however, a desperate attempt to avoid the laststanza.
"I'll give you a bit of my mind, old boy; Port Admiral, you be damned."
Nothing but the tip of his nose actually burnt would have produced theselast words; but fear overcame him, and at lust they were repeated. Uponwhich all the women shouted and shrieked with laughter, except Moggy,who continued sipping her port wine.
"Your good health, Mr Vanslyperken," said Moggy, drinking to him.
Vanslyperken wiped the perspiration off his forehead, and made no reply.
"You call yourself a gentleman, and not drink the health of the lady ofthe house!" cried virago Mrs Slamkoe. "I'll hargue this point with youagain."
The same never-failing argument was used, and Mr Vanslyperken drankMrs Salisbury's health in a glass of the port wine which he was to havethe pleasure of paying for.
"I must say, Mr Vanslyperken," said Moggy, "it was very hard for towish to flog my poor Jemmy for singing a song which you have just nowbeen singing yourself."
"Did he want to flog your Jemmy for that?"
"Yes, he did indeed, ladies."
"Then as sure as I stand here, and may this punch be my poison, if hesha'n't beg your pardon on his knees. Sha'n't he, girls?" cried MrsSlamkoe.
"Yes, yes, that he shall, or we'll poke him with the poker."
This was a dreadful threat, but the indignity was so great, thatVanslyperken attempted to resist. It was, however, in vain; he wasforced to go on his knees, and ask Mrs Salisbury's pardon.
"Indeed, ladies, I do not wish it," said Moggy; "now, pray don't. Well,Mr Vanslyperken, pardon granted; so now kiss and make friends."
Mr Vanslyperken, surrounded now by furies rather than Bacchanalianskissed Mrs Salisbury.
"What in the world would you have me do, you she devils?" cried he atlast, driven to desperation.
"This is language for a gentleman!" said Mrs Slamkoe.
"They shall make you do nothing more," replied Moggy. "I must retire,ladies--your freak's up. You know I never keep late hours. Ladies, Iwish you all a very good night."
"Perhaps, Mr Vanslyperken, you would wish to go. I'll send for thewoman of the house that you may settle the bill; I think you offered totreat the company?"
Vanslyperken grinned ghastly. The bell was rung, and while MrVanslyperken was pulling out the sum demanded by the landlady, theladies all disappeared.
Vanslyperken put up his diminished purse. "There is your sword, MrVanslyperken," said Moggy; who, during the whole of the scene had keptup a _retenue_ very different from her usual manners.
Vanslyperken took his sword, and appeared to feel his courage return--why not? he was armed, and in company with only one woman, and he soughtrevenge.
He rang the bell, and the landlady appeared.
"Landlady," cried Vanslyperken, "you'll send for a constable directly.Obey me, or I'll put you down as a party to the robbery which has beencommitted. I say, a constable immediately. Refuse on your peril,woman; a king's officer has been robbed and ill-treated."
"Lauk-a-mercy! a constable, sir?
I'm sure you've had a very pleasantjollification."
"Silence, woman; send for a constable immediately."
"Do you hear, Mrs Wilcox?" said Moggy, very quietly, "Mr Vanslyperkenwants a constable. Send for one by all means."
"Oh! certainly, ma'am, if you wish it," said the landlady, quitting theroom.
"Yes, you infamous woman, I'll teach you to rob and ill-treat people inthis way."
"Mercy on me! Mr Vanslyperken, why, I never interfered."
"Ay, ay, that's all very well; but you'll tell another story when you'reall before the authorities."
"Perhaps I shall," replied Moggy, carelessly. "But I shall now wish youa good evening, Mr Vanslyperken."
Thereupon Mr Vanslyperken very valorously drew his sword, andflourished it over his head. "You don't pass here, Mrs Salisbury.No--no--it's my turn now."
"Your turn now, you beast!" retorted Moggy. "Why, if I wished to pass,this poker would soon clear the way; but I can pass without that, and Iwill give you the countersign. Hark! a word in your ear, you wretch.You are in my power. You have sent for a constable, and I swear by myown Jemmy's little finger, which is worth your old shrivelled carcase,that I shall give you in charge of the constable."
"Me!" exclaimed Vanslyperken.
"Yes, you,--you wretch--you scum. Now I am going, stop me if you dare.Walls have ears, so I'll whisper. If you wish to send a constable afterme, you'll find me at the house of the Jew Lazarus. Do you understand?"
Vanslyperken started back as if an adder had come before him, his sworddropped out of his hand, he stood transfixed.
"May I go now, Mr Vanslyperken, or am I to wait for the constable?Silence gives consent," continued Moggy, making a mock courtesy, andwalking out of the room.
For a minute, Vanslyperken remained in the same position. At last,bursting with his feelings, he snatched up his sword, put it into thesheath, and was about to quit the room, when in came the landlady withthe constable.
"You vants me, sir?" said the man.
"I did," stammered Vanslyperken, "but she is gone."
"I must be paid for my trouble, sir, if you please."
Vanslyperken had again to pull out his purse; but this time he hardlyfelt the annoyance, for in his mind's eye his neck was already in thehalter. He put the money into the man's hand without speaking, and thenleft the room, the landlady courtesying very low, and hoping that shesoon should again have the pleasure of his company at the Wheatsheaf.