Chapter VIII
In which the Widow lays a trap for Mr Vanslyperken, and Smallbones laysa trap for Snarleyyow, and both bag their game.
The widow Vandersloosh, as we have informed the reader, was the owner ofa Lust Haus, or pleasure-house for sailors: we will describe thatportion of her tenements more particularly by-and-bye: at present, wemust advert to her own private house, which stood adjoining, and had acommunication with the Lust Haus by a private door through the partywall. This was a very small, snug little habitation, with one window ineach front, and two stories high; containing a front parlour and kitchenon the basement, two small rooms on the first, and two on the secondfloor. Nothing could be better arranged for a widow's residence.Moreover, she had a back-yard running the whole length of the wall ofthe Lust Haus in the rear, with convenient offices, and a back-door intothe street behind.
Mr Vanslyperken had arrived, paid his humble devoirs to the widow, morehumble, because he was evidently pleased with his own person, and hadbeen followed by Smallbones, who laid the biscuit by the scraper at thedoor, watching it as in duty bound. The lieutenant imagined that he wasmore graciously received than usual. Perhaps he was, for the widow hadnot had so much custom lately, and was glad the crew of the cutter werearrived to spend their money. Already had Vanslyperken removed his swordand belt, and laid them with his three-cornered laced hat on theside-table; he was already cosily, as of wont, seated upon the widow'slittle fubsy sofa, with the lady by his side, and he had just taken herhand and was about to renew his suit, to pour forth the impromptueffusions of his heart, concocted on the quarter-deck of the _Yungfrau_,when who should bolt into the parlour but the unwelcome Snarleyyow.
"O that nasty brute! Mynheer Vanslyperken, how dare you bring him intomy house?" cried the widow, jumping up from the sofa, with herfull-moon-face red with anger.
"Indeed, widow," replied Vanslyperken, "I left him on board, knowingthat you were not fond of animals; but some one has brought him onshore. However, I'll find out who it was, and keel-haul him in honour ofyour charms."
"I am fond of animals, Mr Vanslyperken, but I am not fond of suchanimals as that--such a filthy, ugly, disagreeable, snarling brute; norcan I think how you can keep him after what I have said about it. Itdon't prove much regard, Mr Vanslyperken, when such a dog as that iskept on purpose to annoy me."
"I assure you, widow--"
"Don't assure me, Mr Vanslyperken, there's no occasion--your dog is yourown--but I'll thank you to take him out of this house; and, perhaps, ashe won't go without you, you had better go with him."
Now the widow had never spoken so indignantly before: if the readerwishes to know why she did so now, we will acquaint him; the widowVandersloosh had perceived Smallbones, who sat like Patience on amonument, upon the two half bags of biscuit before her porch. It was aquery to the widow whether they were to be a present, or an article tobe bargained for: it was therefore very advisable to pick a quarrel,that the matter might be cleared up. The widow's ruse met with all thesuccess which it deserved. In the first place, Mr Vanslyperken did whathe never would have believed himself capable of, but the wrath of thewidow had worked him also up to wrath, and he saluted Snarleyyow withsuch a kick on the side, as to send him howling into the back-yard,followed him out, and, notwithstanding an attempt at defence on the partof the dog, which the lieutenant's high boots rendered harmless,Snarleyyow was fairly or unfairly, as you may please to think it, kickedinto an outhouse, the door shut, and the key turned upon him. Afterwhich Mr Vanslyperken returned to the parlour, where he found the widow,erect, with her back turned to the stove, blowing and bristling, herbosom heaving, reminding you of seas mountains high, as if she werestill under the effect of a just resentment for the affront offered toher. There she stood waiting in all dignity for Mr Vanslyperken torepair the injury done, whether unintentional or not. In few words,there she waited, for the _biscuit_ to be presented to her. And it waspresented, for Vanslyperken knew no other way of appeasing her wrath.Gradually the storm was allayed--the flush of anger disappeared, thecorners of the scornfully-turned-down mouth, were turned upagain--Cupid's bow was no longer bent in anger, and the widow's bosomslept as when the ocean sleeps, like "an unweaned child." The biscuitbags were brought in by Smallbones, their contents stored, and harmonyrestored. Once more was Mr Vanslyperken upon the little sofa by the sideof the fat widow, and once more did he take her melting hand. Alas! thather heart was not made of the same soft materials.
But we must not only leave Short and his companions in the Lust Haus,but the widow and the lieutenant in their soft dalliance, and now occupyourselves with the two principal personages of this our drama,Smallbones and Snarleyyow.
When Smallbones had retired, with the empty bread-bags under his arm, heremained some time reflecting at the porch, and then having apparentlymade up his mind, he walked to a chandler's shop just over the bridge ofthe canal opposite, and purchased a needle, some strong twine, and ared-herring. He also procured, "without purchase," as they say in ourWar Office Gazettes, a few pieces of stick. Having obtained all these,he went round to the door of the yard behind the widow's house, and lethimself in. Little did Mr Vanslyperken imagine what mischief wasbrewing, while he was praising and drinking the beer of the widow'sown brewing.
Smallbones had no difficulty in finding out where Snarleyyow wasconfined, for the dog was very busy gnawing his way through the door,which, however, was a work of time, and not yet a quarter accomplished.The place had been a fowl-house, and, at the bottom of the door, therewas a small hatch for the ingress and egress of these bipeds, theoriginal invention of some thrifty spinster, to prevent the maids fromstealing eggs. But this hatch was closed, or Snarleyyow would haveescaped through it. Smallbones took up his quarters in another outhouse,that he might not be observed, and commenced his operations.
He first took out the bottom of one bread-bag, and then sewed that onthe other to make it longer; he then ran a string through the mouth, soas to draw it close when necessary, and cut his sticks so as to supportit and keep it open. All this being arranged, he went to whereSnarleyyow was busy gnawing wood with great pertinacity, and allowed himnot only to smell, but to tear off the tail of the red-herring, underthe door; and then gradually drew the herring along until he had broughtit right under the hatch in the middle, which left it at the precisedistance that the dog could snuff it but not reach it, which Snarleyyownow did, in preference to gnawing wood. When you lay a trap, muchdepends upon the bait; Smallbones knew his enemy's partiality forsavoury comestibles. He then brought out his bag, set up his supporters,fixed it close to the hatch, and put the red-herring inside of it. Withthe string in one hand, he lifted up the hatch with the other.Snarleyyow rushed out and rushed in, and in a moment the strings weredrawn, and as soon as drawn were tied tight round the mouth of the bag.Snarleyyow was caught; he tumbled over and over, rolling now to theright and now to the left, while Smallbones grinned with delight. Afteramusing himself a short time with the evolutions of his prisoner, hedragged him in his bag into the outhouse where he had made his trap,shut the door, and left him. The next object was to remove anysuspicion on the part of Mr Vanslyperken; and to effect this, Smallbonestore off the hatch, and broke it in two or three pieces, bit parts of itwith his own teeth, and laid them down before the door, making it appearas if the dog had gnawed his own way out. The reason for allowing thedog still to remain in prison, was that Smallbones dared not attemptanything further until it was dark, and there was yet an hour or more towait for the close of the day.
Smallbones had but just finished his work in time; for the widow havingbeen summoned to her guests in the Lust Haus, had left Vanslyperkenalone, and the lieutenant thought this a good opportunity to look afterhis four-footed favourite. He came out into the yard, where he foundSmallbones, and he had his misgivings.
"What are you doing here, sir?"
"Waiting for you, sir," replied Smallbones, humbly.
"And the dog?" said Vanslyperken, observing the strewed fragmen
ts of thedoor hatch.
"He's a-bitten himself out, sir, I believe."
"And where is he, then?"
"I don't know, sir; I suppose he's gone down to the boat."
Snarleyyow hearing his master's voice, had commenced a whine, andSmallbones trembled: fortunately, at that moment, the widow's ample formappeared at the back-door of the house, and she called to MrVanslyperken. The widow's voice drowned the whine of the dog, and hismaster did not hear it. At the summons, Vanslyperken but half convinced,but not daring to show any interest about the animal in the presence ofhis mistress, returned to the parlour, and very soon the dog wasforgotten.
But as the orgies in the Lust Haus increased, so did it become morenecessary for the widow to make frequent visits there; not only tosupply her customers, but to restrain them by her presence; and as theevening wore away, so did the absences of the widow become morefrequent. This Vanslyperken well knew, and he therefore always pressedhis suit in the afternoon, and as soon as it was dark returned on board.Smallbones, who watched at the back-door the movements of his master,perceived that he was refixing his sword-belt over his shoulder, and heknew this to be the signal for departure. It was now quite dark, hetherefore hastened to the outhouse, and dragged out Snarleyyow in thebag, swung him over his shoulder, and walked out of the yard-door,proceeded to the canal in front of the widow's house, looked round him,could perceive nobody, and then dragged the bag with its contents intothe stagnant water below, just as Mr Vanslyperken, who had bidden adieuto the widow, came out of the house. There was a heavy splash--andsilence. Had such been heard on the shores of the Bosphorus on such anight, it would have told some tale of unhappy love and a husband'svengeance; but, at Amsterdam, it was nothing more than the drowning ofa cur.
"Who's there--is it Smallbones?" said Mr Vanslyperken.
"Yes, sir," said Smallbones, with alarm.
"What was that noise I heard?"
"Noise, sir? Oh, I kicked a paving-stone into the canal."
"And don't you know there is heavy fine for that, you scoundrel? Andpray where are the bread-bags?"
"The bread-bags, sir? Oh, Mr Short took them to tie up some vegetablesin them."
"Mr Short! O, very well. Come along, sir, and no more throwing stonesinto the canal; why you might have killed somebody--there is a boat downthere now, I hear the people talking." And Mr Vanslyperken hastened tohis boat, which was waiting for him; anxious to ascertain if Snarleyyow,as he fully expected, was in it. But to his grief and disappointment hewas not there, and Mr Vanslyperken sat in the stern sheets, in nopleasant humour, thinking whether it was or was not a paving-stonewhich Smallbones had thrown into the canal, and resolving that if thedog did not appear, Smallbones should be keel-hauled. There was,however, one more chance, the dog might have been taken on board.