An early December late Friday afternoon
We stood in the deepening gloom of the Friday afternoon awaiting the arrival of the caravan of three cars from Cambridge. Moss had been sending updates every five minutes as to their progress, so we knew we had not long to wait. There were eight of us in the parking lot. The welcoming committee consisted of Ali, O, Foggy and I plus five other friends who had agreed to host our fellow physics students from Cambridge. O had looked after all the practical arrangements, so that everything was well in hand. After our guests had settled in to their host's rooms, we'd all meet and have dinner at the college before the lecture, and then we'd all go back to the college after the lecture for a reception and discussion period over pints until they turned us out.
The cars glided in even as Moss was sending his last report. He waved to me from the first car as it pulled up. I waved and braced myself. It wasn't Moss that gave a twist to my gut as the cars parked before us. Things got a little hectic – at least for me. It was all pretty much a whirl of greetings and short conversations – I'd met just about everyone already at the Chess Club picnic, if not before – an exuberant Moss followed by a much more subdued Noste and the rest of the gang. Ali's cousin Fay was amongst the passengers and Ali hurried over to greet her. I caught a glimpse of Selina getting out of the same car and my heart lurched, as of old, but I was in the midst of introducing my Oxford friends to the new arrivals and it was only when Selina stepped over with Ali and Fay to greet O and meet Foggy and the others that I found myself standing next to her. She'd briefly met O, of course, and exchanged a few words with him and shook hands with Foggy and the others before turning to me.
She looked to me. 'Hello, Hugh,' she said and leaned in to give me a little kiss. 'It is good to see you,' she added, but if her eyes were not exactly guarded, they were wary. And she said “Hugh” without a catch, I’d have preferred the old “Gallagher” ...
I smiled and said, ‘It's wonderful to see you, too. I'm so glad you decided to come along.'
She smiled faintly, shot a hard glance at Moss, who was watching us closely through the press of people about us. 'Phil can be very persuasive,' she said quietly, and then added, 'But he was right, of course. We've got a lot to talk about. But not now, not tonight. Tomorrow. Perhaps we can go for a long walk and talk in the morning before we leave.'
'Of course, I'd love that. And well, seeing that I'm the nominal host here, I've a lot to look after tonight anyway. So as much as I'd like to be with you at all times, I'm afraid duty calls...'
'I'll not keep you from your duties...'
At which point, Ali with Fay at her side called the girls to get together so they could get settled in before the dinner, and we all went our own ways.
Besides Moss, we were putting up Lewis Noste, Bill Foster and Asif Ranaut. The cushions of our various sofas and chairs can be removed and laid out on the floor for ad hoc mattresses and we had plenty of room in our sitting room to turn it into a makeshift dorm.
Dinner at the college went well – we were joined by a number of other students from both Cambridge and Oxford, many who knew each other already, and so the meal was quite jolly without me having to put more effort than a short, half minute welcoming speech, as required. Selina sat with Fay and Ali, so I didn't have a chance to talk with her over the meal.
Li Qui's lecture on the quantum characteristics of dark matter was quite interesting, though many (as in almost all) of the proofs he offered went over my poor addled undergrad head. Afterwards everyone, students and professors, including Professor Darneby and my tutor Professor Aparin hung about the hall for an hour, after which we drifted back to the college room we'd rented for our refreshments and pints.
Selina and I managed to walk back to the college together so we had a chance to talk about our how our terms were going, my flat, our Sunday gatherings, my flatmates and my new study program and about her adjustments and her studies and a lot about Darneby's project that was taking up a great deal of her time and thoughts. Everything in general terms, everything if not quite free and easy, at least comfortable.
'Are you happy in Cambridge?' I asked.
'Very much so, Hugh,' she replied, softly.
'I'm very happy that everything has worked out so well,' I said, and in the dark could pull it off. It wasn't that I wasn't happy, it's just that, well, I'd a feeling I wasn't happy with the cause of her happiness...
Darneby and Aparin, and several other professors from other universities joined us at the college and the resulting discussions were both entertaining and enlightening, thanks, at least in part, to the pints freely indulged in by most. There was a piano in the room, so towards the end of the evening, we convinced Selina to play and had a singalong before the gathering broke up well after midnight. For the most part, I was content just to catch a glimpse of Selina every now and then, just to feel my heart lurch. Until we had our talk, everything was still in a quantum state, nothing definitely defined. I'd a feeling that was the best I could expect.
'When would you like to get together?' asked Selina when we were donning our coats at the end of the evening.
'Name your time, I'll be there,' I replied. I rather doubted I'd get much sleep, so it didn't matter.
'Would 7:30 be too early? I'd like to be up and out before everyone else is stirring. We're all going back this afternoon, so there's not a great deal of time.'
'That would suit me fine. We're hosting a lunch at the flat, so the earlier we meet, the more time I can spend with you. I'll call for you.'
I didn't sleep well, as expected.
Saturday Morning
I was outside the stairwell fifteen minutes early and Selina was waiting for me. It was a dreary, grey morning, not too cold, but damp and quiet, smelling of wet stones, and falling leaves.
'Good morning, Selina,' I said after my heart jumped when she stepped out of the doorway in her long, grey, tweed coat, collar turned up with a brown felt hat.
'Good morning, Hugh,' she said. I noted again that she could say Hugh now without any hesitation, likely because it didn't matter anymore.
I couldn’t think of a way to begin a conversation, couldn’t think of anything, actually. We stood awkwardly for a moment, at a loss.
‘It is good to see you again, Hugh,’ she said tentatively.
‘It’s good to see you too,’ I said and couldn’t stop myself from adding, ‘I’ve missed you.’
She smiled faintly. ‘I’ve missed you as well...'
And the conversation died again.
'Which way shall we walk?' I asked.
'Oh, along the river. It's been a while now since I last walked it, and it was always my favourite walk.'
So we crossed High Street and started down the tree lined, leaf littered path.
Our talk got off rather slowly and we walked for several minutes in silence, huddled in our jackets for warmth.
'How much do you know?' she asked, at last.
'Nothing really. Just that when Moss and Kate had you over for dinner last weekend, you, well, you rather alarmed Moss, Moss the prophet anyway... By the way, I'm sorry about Moss. I assure you he was acting on his own. I've told him time and again just to leave everything alone – for all the good it did.'
'That's just Moss being Moss. Oh, I wasn't happy with him, and gave him a taste of my temper, but in the end, he was right. I'd been acting the fool again, and hadn't even been aware of it. I'm sorry, Hugh. Really I am. I should've called weeks ago, but until this week I was still uncertain how Edward felt or how things would turn out. You, of all people, know that the idea of falling in love – with you or Edward or anyone – was the very last thing I wanted. But it happened.’
'So you've fallen in love with Simonette?' I asked with a sinking heart.
'I'm sorry, but I believe I have. Head over heels, in fact, though until this week, I thought that was my secret. And feared – and sometimes, hoped – that it would just fade like all those other times I've fallen in love when I was young
er. I was afraid I hadn't grown up as much as I thought I had. And after all the fuss I made about you and me. If you want nothing more to do with me, I’d understand.
‘No, of course not. I’m not angry. You've every right... We're friends. We had a clear understanding that I'd no claim on you or your heart, beyond friendship, and I know too well falling in love is not something you have much of a say in.'
‘I’m sorry if you heard any gossip and rumours. That had to have been hard on you.'
'No. I only heard from Moss occasionally, usually thinly veiled warnings, but in any event, I gather he really didn't know what was going on.'
'Oh, Moss is clueless. Everyone but him – and I – knew what a silly fool I was over Edward. I only found out this week, after talking to Moss, and then with my friends, what an idiot I've been. I feel terribly embarrassed, horrible in fact...' she said, and looking at me added, 'Please believe me, I’d have told you myself if I’d known about the gossip, but I didn’t. And though I knew what was going on in my poor heart, I thought it my secret and didn’t want to worry you over what could have easily turned out to be nothing... It seems that I can never do right by you.’
‘Oh, I expected something like this sooner or later,’ I said as carelessly as I could. ‘so it isn’t so bad. It was what might be called, a known unknown. You’re just too beautiful and sweet not to attract admirers, so I'm not surprised or angry. I'm sure it's better for you to have one boyfriend than a pack of, well, puppies as you used to call us, trailing you around.'
She gave me a questioning look.
I laughed, 'Oh, I’ll admit, however, the step from theory to practice was sooner and steeper than I’d anticipated. But I'll have to come to grips with it. It's just a matter of having to take my chances, however slim, which is what I’ve always had to do.’
She sighed. ‘Gallagher, I think that you're going to have to do more than that. You're going to have to come to accept that I love Edward Simonette and he loves me.’
I shrugged. 'Perhaps. Until this spring my romantic aspirations were just daydreams. Walking with you now, talking with you, is still something extraordinary. So you see, I'm well insulated. I've sheltered that ember for years when I hadn’t an ice cube’s chance in hell of even talking you. One Edward Simonette or less doesn’t really matter.
‘Besides, you said plainly last summer that you didn’t love me. I believed you. I never considered you obliged to me in any way, so I don’t feel betrayed or angry now. So I think we're fine. I mean that. I’m happy for you, and I’m happy with you as a friend, which I hope I still am...’ I held my breath.
‘Of course you are, Gallagher. I was afraid you’d want nothing to do with me,’ she said, turning towards me.
‘Never. Your friendship is worth much more than a silly daydream.’
She smiled slightly. ‘I wasn’t sure how you’d take things. Maybe I should’ve known, my heart had no doubts, but I still wasn’t sure. But you’re the first, the dearest of my new friends, I’d not want to lose you.’
‘Then we’re still friends, Selina, like we have been since the summer,’ I said. I’d never settled on what I could've – realistically – expected in a relationship with Beri. But as long as my heart skips a beat when I see her, I’d never choose to live without her, if only as a friend.
‘Falling in love with Edward didn’t change how I feel about you either. Maybe in a way it’s even better, since now that I don’t have to fear falling in love so I won’t be pushing you away all the time...’
‘You’ve found an interesting way to dodge that bullet....’ I said with a bittersweet laugh.
‘It’s not like that, and you know it,’ she replied. ‘It was never the fear of falling in love with you, but the fear of falling in love at the absolutely wrong time for both of us.’
‘I know. I agreed to breaking up only because you seemed to think it possible, a possibility I found wonderful. But now we can just be friends. A fresh start. So, as your good friend, tell me all about you and Edward. I’d like to know. All I’ve heard are vaguely alarming accounts of a rather frantic would-be-fortune-teller.’
‘Oh, I can bore you with all that later, though I must warn you that despite your friendly intentions, you’d end up wanting to strangle Edward after hearing me go on and on about how wonderful he is....’ she said with a laugh.
‘What I’d really like to explain to you, is how it happened. It must strike you strange that after being so terrified of falling in love with you that I should do so a few weeks later.’
‘It’s not that strange. I fell in love with you the instant I saw you.’
‘Well, that’s happened to me, too, lots of times,’ she replied with a laugh. ‘Do you recall me mentioning my teen years and all the crushes I had?
I nodded, with a smile. ‘I seem to recall you mentioning something, but refusing to go into details.’
‘And I’ll not this time either,’ she replied with a grin. ‘You’ll have to ask Grace when you meet her. I’ve always considered my impulsiveness, my intuitiveness, the caprices of my heart. My head is my logical, rational reaction to these instinctive impulses, though I know they’re both aspects of how my mind works. I find that being intuitive, impulsive and logical, may be my greatest strength in maths. I’ll often leapfrog logic to arrive at a possible solution to my problem, then have to work backwards to connect it to my starting point, which is often easier than finding my way forward.
‘The trouble is that even though my heart and my head cooperate nicely in maths, they’re usually at loggerheads when it comes to relationships. As a shy teenager I had Grace around to keep me from making a fool of myself. Outside of getting strange looks from me, most of those boys never knew I’d a crush on them. It was not until I met Richard Marten my second year at Oxford, that I had a crush on a boy who seemed to have a crush on me.
‘Marten is very handsome, very smart, very social and very ambitious. He is just the type of young politico who hung around our house when I was growing up, a type, I might add, that I had disliked intensely, and yet, I fell in love with him anyway. My parents liked him and Grace did too, at first, so no one applied the brakes. And by the time Grace got wise to him, I’d not listen to her anymore. I was in love the whole school year, but that summer I discovered that Marten wasn’t so smart after all, because I discovered just how much more social he actually was. And when I confronted him, I found out that he was far more ambitious then I’d thought, too – too ambitious, in fact, to settle for the non-heiress daughter of a party official and a civil servant.
‘Well, Grace kept me in the social circle the following school year, even with my heart in shards though I wasn’t a very nice person. Those were the days that I used to enjoy stringing along the hounds I told you about, the ones who were queuing up to take Marten’s place. I enjoyed toying with them and then dashing their plans. But during this past year with Grace gone on to Cambridge, I’d grown tired of those games, so I froze everyone out, even my remaining friends...
‘Anyway, in the three years since I fell for Marten, I’d been free of those impulsive crushes, until, that is, the last evening in trinity term.
‘When I showed up at your door last June I’d only intended to spend an hour discussing dyaries with someone I’d gathered had spent a lot of time thinking about them. You know how that turned out – modelling my intimate apparel for you – which is something quite out of the ordinary, I assure you!’ she said with a laugh.
‘I believe you,’ I said, ‘Though it seemed like a sweet, and silly thing to do. But then I don’t know anything about women.’
‘So you say, Gallagher. And save your protest, the point is moot.
‘Amazingly it never struck me that night that my old impulsiveness was back – I was too busy worrying if I’d unintentionally insulted you. It was only towards the end of our walk after my exam that it dawned on me that you meant far more to me then could readily be explained by gratitude. At that point
, I acted instinctively, giving you the shove as nicely as I could, and ran.
‘Back in London I tried to devise rational reasons for liking you too much. I’d tell myself that I was just so worn down from all my study for my usual wariness to work. Or maybe I’d begun to realize that freezing out my friends had been a terrible mistake, so I was open to making new friends. And, well, since Alicia assured me that you were a nice fellow – and since she was comfortable with you, I didn’t think I’d have much to worry about – I may’ve been more open to simple kindness than I’d been for ages. Of course the fact that you were nice, helpful, easy to get along with, had a crush on me but didn’t push it and seemed to understand where I was coming from, made it too easy to like you. In short, I could think of lots of reasons why I might like you, but they could never quite explain why I liked you, well, so very much. Or why I couldn’t get you out of my mind... It was like old times, except, and this is important, I wasn’t, well, infatuated with you, at least in any way I recognize. I didn’t see you as my lover. My heart was still broken.
‘So of all my impulsive crushes, Gallagher, yours is unique. Rather than falling in love with you, I just liked and trusted you, but a lot. I knew intuitively that you’d not take advantage of me, you’d not hurt me, and moreover, that I could count on you even as my logical mind, tried as usual, to dismiss these feelings. But my heart, always wins in the end, so when the Cambridge trip came up, I turned to you, despite hardly knowing you, because you were my heart’s best friend.
‘Having surrendered once more to my heart and after Cambridge, I began to hope, and fear, that the trust I was feeling was really the beginning of mature, adult love and that, in time, I’d find myself in love with you. Now if this happened too soon, before we’d finished our studies, before we could be together in one city, the distraction could very easily wreck our careers. I couldn’t take that chance... Well, I’m telling you nothing now that you don’t already know, but I wanted to tell you how you were always very dear to me, even when I was pushing you away.’
I was touched and struggled to find the words. ‘I shall always try to be your friend, Selina. A lifelong friend, I hope. And you know, you can always count on me.’
‘I have, since I’ve met you, Gallagher. And I know this sounds so trite, but I’m sure we’ll always be best friends.’ she said with a smile.
‘So now tell me about you and Edward Simonette,’ I said after a short pause. ‘I really do want to hear your story.’
‘Well, if you insist!’ she replied with a laugh. ‘On your head, Gallagher. Just stop me when you’ve heard enough. Let’s see, I first met Edward the night of the physics department’s grad student reception at the start of term. Later that evening, as I lay awake thinking about the reception, it dawned on me that I’d spent most of the party hanging around this rather quiet American doctoral candidate. Of course, we were going to be partners in Professor Darneby's project, but still, I vaguely realized that it wasn't that which kept me near him all evening. And the prospect of working with him suddenly seemed rather wonderful. But looking back, I had a sinking suspicion that I'd acted more like a star struck school girl than a soon-to-be colleague.
'Indeed, I’d more than a sneaking suspicion I’d made a fool of myself. My only hope was that since most everyone didn’t know me, no one would realize I was gaga over him and just assume I was a natural silly, giggling idiot,’ she laughed. ‘“Sellie,” I told myself sternly that night, “you’ve fallen down the rabbit hole yet again”. But this time I knew what was going on, it had that old familiar feel to it, and I was sure it would pass like the others if I just kept my wits about me. I vowed to protect my shattered heart and let my shy and guarded nature keep me safe. And I did try, for a week or two, even as I knew I was failing deeper into the rabbit hole of love. And even when I gave up and gave in during the weeks that followed, I actually thought, I swear to you, that I was acting so cool, so casual, so altogether professional when I was around him that no one could possibly suspect how whipped I was over Edward Simonette.’
‘Ha!’ she gave a depreciating laugh.
‘After Moss and I had our little conversation on the subject, I raced to my girlfriends from the lab to ask them if they’d noticed that I was sort of interested in Edward. They burst out in hysterical laugher. They assured me that if I walked around in a sweatshirt with I’m in Love, I’m in Love, Lord Love a Duck, I’m in Love on it in big bold letters, I could not have been more obvious!’ She laughed.
'I was so embarrassed. I turned beet red and started crying and everything. They had to assure me over and over with a lot of kindness and cheerfulness, that while everyone knew about it, everyone thought it was all too cute and since they realized I was trying to be so coy about it, no one said a word to me. But I’m sure they lied when they assured me nobody thought I was an idiot since I was and am. I was just too whipped over Edward and, well I still am, as you can see.'
I could indeed. I could see her happiness, unguarded in her eyes. And if it wasn't for me, at least she was sharing it with me. I'd have to have been a cad if I wasn't happy for her as well, even if it hurt me somewhere deep.
‘When I asked them how they knew, since I’d told no one – not even Grace or Kate, they proceeded to compete with each other to demonstrate just what I look like when I’m around Edward, with even more shrieks of laughter. From what I could gather from the girls, I look like this, (Her face fell into a sort of slack-jawed blankly adoring look.) And then I sort of simper and giggle,' she said, and proceeded to demonstrate. I'm certain she exaggerated it quite a lot. She was just having fun now. 'So you see Gallagher, the fate you’ve dodged...’
‘I’ll admit it’s some solace...’ I laughed.
‘If I could help it, I would. But he’s just so charming, and quiet and nice and his mathematical mind is just so, so wonderful. He’s a genius... I can’t wait for you to meet him, so you’ll know...’
‘I’ve already met him, Selina. That’s the problem. I found him to be a pleasant chap, a friendly, modest sort, with a good sense of humour to boot. I don’t know anything about his mathematical mind, but I do know he’s quite a star ship pilot. So, in short, I can’t find anything about him to warn you about. Drat.’
‘You met him! Where? When? I didn’t know that!’
‘A weekend in late September. Moss invited me up for a bike ride and picnic. I hesitated, but he assured me that Noste had already asked you and that you were going down to London for the weekend, so that I needn’t feel that I was, breaking my parole as he put it.’
‘I didn’t know, or at least forgot, that Moss invited you up for the Quantum King’s Hunt picnic...’
‘How’d you know that! I was told that the Hunt was a deadly secret, even one’s better half wasn’t to be told! Were they pulling my leg, or did someone blab?’
She laughed. ‘Maybe I best not say.’
‘What am I to do? Who’s the traitor? Wait, don’t tell me... What’ll they do to you if they find out you know about them... They can be quite ruthless... The Hunt plays for high stakes...’ I said, in mock panic.
She laughed. ‘You could forget I said anything.... But how do you know about... it?’
‘Moss invited me to fill in for one of the regular members of the Hunt that couldn’t make an important game, the weekend you came back from your holiday and surprised me. Since I’m at least an auxiliary member, I was invited along for the picnic. Edward was a guest of one of the members, I believe. After the picnic, most of the Hunt members and some of the guests, including Edward, spent a long evening duelling with Starfire fighters in the Terratana Worlds game, so I had a chance to play with and against him in these games, which is a good way of getting to know someone.’
‘Boys,’ she said, rolling her eyes.
‘Yes, boys,’ I said with a smile. ‘Still, Edward is, quite the Starfire fighter pilot. He actually outscored Noste, our best, that evening, which I don’t think exactly endeared him
to your fiddle player comrade. Come to think about it, maybe Terratana Worlds is the hidden variable in all your crushes...’
‘Don’t even joke about that, Gallagher,’ she laughed. ‘And yes, Edward isn’t one of Lewis’ favourites, though the three of us have worked together all term. I think, however, being better at computer games is the least of their issues...’
‘Well, yes. Even before the term started, Moss was promoting Lewis Noste as a rival for your heart. I’d seen the way he watched you during your performance at Darneby’s garden party, so I wasn’t surprised, nor, I must confess, much alarmed even with his math and his fiddle...’
‘Poor Lewis. We spent a lot of time together in the beginning, working on music and physics and I’d seen the look too often not to know. Still he’s quite prim and proper and since I like him, I felt it best just to be blind to his feelings. When Edward came along and I began to spend less time with Lewis, he got it in his mind that Edward was making a play for me. Ha! Lewis eventually took me to task for letting Edward take up so much of my time. That should’ve set alarm bells ringing, I mean, if Lewis could see what was going on. Even if he got it backwards. But it didn’t... Duh. I’m such an idiot! Just because I’m good at maths people think I’m smart. Don’t be fooled, Gallagher.
‘anyway when he complained about Edward trying to cut him out, I pointed out that if he thought it was being a cad to cut in on another fellow’s would be girlfriend, then he might want to consider what he was doing in regards to you, just to put everything in context. He didn’t have much to say after that...’
'I think after that he rather gave up hope, though, as I said, things are pretty icy between him and Edward. Still, we get work done...'
‘By the way,' I said, 'I do believe you owe me a small debt of gratitude, Beri. When Edward Simonette first entered the picture, Moss suggested that since Edward had just arrived from America and not yet used to our traffic going the “wrong way”, it mightn’t be all that unlikely that he’d end up under a bus. At the time I thought it a bit over the top and said so. knowing Moss was taking his fortune telling reputation rather too seriously...’
‘Thank you, Gallagher,’ she said with a smile. ‘I’m not so sure about that “at the time” bit though.’
‘And I really have warned Moss more than once just to stay out of things, but you know Moss... You might want to hint to Edward that if he finds himself walking along a street with Moss, he should be on the inside....’
She laughed. ‘I think I’ll just have a word with Philip, instead.’
Then she turned more serious. ‘I know I’m in that first stage of love, my feet hardly touch the ground and I’m overflowing with happiness. I know too, I’ll settle down in time. But I want you to clearly understand that I’m in love, we’re in love, and I believe he’s the man I’m going to love all my life. Just as my heart picked you as a dear friend, it has picked Edward as my lifelong mate. And if it was just my heart, I might harbour some doubts, but there’s so much more to him, he’s kind, even-tempered, funny and mature.
‘Most importantly he’s a true mathematical genius. Maths used to be my refuge. But as I worked with Edward and then later, hung out with him outside of study, I found it a wonderful experience to explore maths with Edward. I know this’ll sound silly, but much of our, well, courtship, is spent exploring our ideas of mathematical theory. We’ve spent hours and hours discussing mathematical ideas. Mathematical ideas have, for me, a great beauty, Gallagher. Exploring this beauty with Edward, who’s always open to my ideas and treats me as an equal though he is so much smarter, is my great joy. We work so well together! I love being with him, talking to him. I just love him. Silly, but who’d have thought that love could be like taking an advanced seminar in m-theory math? So instead of love distracting me from my studies, its helping me ever so much.
‘Yet all term I never quite knew where I stood with him. He can guard his feelings every bit as well as I can....’
I laughed, and she joined me.
‘I mean every bit as well as I can except in regards to Edward. anyway, I was never sure what he really thought about me, and after all these weeks he never gave me a clue as to what he thought of me. I was on pins and needles the whole while, wanting him to love me, wanting to get over him, wanting to love him and wondering just what he thought of me...
'You see why I couldn’t tell you anything. There was just nothing definite to tell. It changed by the minute in my head. It was only this week, after my conversation with Moss that I decided I needed to find out where he stood, and well, I managed to actually talk to him about my feelings and we admitted our mutual love...’ she paused and smiled staring off into space a moment before turning to me.
‘I really think you should begin to, well, dismantle your daydream, even as we remain friends...’
‘Don’t worry about me. Even if I could evict you from my heart, which I don't think I can, why would I want to? What good is an empty heart? You know how that feels. If I was in Cambridge and had to often see you and Edward together, well, maybe then I’d have had to evict you from my heart to remain friends. But since we’re likely only going to see each other a few times a year, I don’t think it really matters – I’ve never been able to, even in a daydream, realistically see the two of us together. We're simply too far apart in many ways. You're a fantasy to me, and I know it. Someday another girl will come along and just slip into your old spot, but like you, I hope not too soon. I have too much work to do if I’m to get into grad school and be successful if I do. Trust me I’m not looking for anyone, so I don’t need to make room for someone else anytime soon.’
‘Okay, Gallagher. I can’t say I don’t understand...’
‘And just so you know, you needn’t worry about me and your love, either. I’d never try to come between you and Edward. It’d only make you unhappy, which I’d never want to do and I know I’d have no chance to succeed anyway. But should I unintentionally make more assumptions than our friendship allows, please tell me and I’ll stop. I don’t want to lose your friendship by acting stupid.’
‘Don’t worry, my intuitive heart has vouched for you. I know you mean that, and that I can trust you in that too. However, I suppose we should turn back. We don't want people talking too much about us...'
'And I have to get things underway for our lunch...'
We turned about and slowly walked back through the grey morning, the trees dropping big wet drops on us, joggers and bikers passing us by as we talked of our experiences since we parted ways. With Selina at my side, nothing she had said had managed to wound my heart all that deeply. When you're walking with the dream of your life, life is a dream.
I arrived back at the flat just after nine and the gang was still just beginning to stir to life. I quietly went about making preparations for our lunch for all the Cambridge students and their Oxford hosts.
As I was working in the kitchen, Lewis Noste came in to get a cup of coffee. He hung about for a bit and we talked a bit about the lecture and all.
And then, after a pause and with an effort he began, ‘It was my understanding, Gallagher, that you and Selina Beri were merely casual friends, and if there had ever been any sort of romantic involvement – you were no longer in that relationship, and indeed, in one sense or another had broken up when she came to Cambridge. The nature of your relationship was not made all that clear to me. I will add in my defence that until yesterday, I had not seen you and Selina together, and so I had never been able to judge the level of affection you and Selina might share,' he began in his usual roundabout way.
'Well, as you may have gathered from Moss, I found myself very attracted to Selina Beri. And, as I said, unaware of the depth of your affection for her, or her for you, I felt that I was free to pursue her. I will candidly admit that in the first month or so she and I were able to see each other without Simonette, we seemed to get along quite well, playing our music and exploring physics. I didn’t make much progr
ess, romantically, but I entertained hopes that our relationship might evolve romantically over time.
'And then this American, Edward Simonette, appeared on the scene and I found my time with Beri to be suddenly rather limited, and her, rather distracted by this Simonette chap. I have to say that seeing you and Selina together this weekend, gives me some hope that my fears are unfounded,' he added as an aside, and then continued, ‘That is neither here nor there, in any event. I do, however, feel I owe you an apology, Gallagher, for trying to poach Selina Beri, however unintentionally. And I do apologize for doing so.’
‘No apology's necessary, Noste,’ I said as lightly as I could. ‘Selina Beri and I are just dear friends. And I hate to disillusion you, but I have to tell you that your fears – and indeed mine – are quite in line when it concerns Edward Simonette. I rather fear we're out of the running...'
He sighed. 'An American... We can't let that happen, Gallagher.'
'I don't see what we can do,' I replied. 'Moss suggested pushing him under a bus, but I think that's rather drastic.'
'It has a certain appeal, but as you say, rather drastic. A career in a penal institution does not appeal. Still, he goes back to America this spring, and Selina still has another year of study. We must bide our time; I fear...'
I hadn't thought that far ahead. 'That's a thin ray of hope, I suppose,' I mused.
'Indeed. And our only one.'
There was perhaps little more we could've said on the subject, but Moss rolled in, so we dropped it.
Ali brought the girls, bright and lively, around at eleven, while the guys were only beginning to come alive again. But between O and Moss driving the gathering, things soon became lively enough and we all had a good time. As I said, it's hard for me to feel sad with Selina close by. We talked about getting together over the holidays in London since Simonette would be going home to Virginia for the holidays.
She added, ‘We’ll set a date. And just so you know, Hugh, you’re a regular friend now, so I’m not placing stupid limits on you. You know what irritates me. Just follow your instincts and I’m sure we’ll get along just fine.’
‘Since we're likely to be able to get together only rarely, I think I’d like to send you an occasional email, just to keep in touch. I won’t expect an answer. I'd not want us to, well, drift apart.’
‘Emails would be fine. I can’t promise regular letters... but I’ll keep you a part of my life, no fear.’
Moss also cornered me, as everyone was packing and getting ready to take off. This late in term everyone had papers and projects that could no longer be put off, so their weekend had to be cut short.
'So, have you set that little shrimp straight?' he asked when no one was about.
'We're friends. She's in love with Simonette and he with her, and there's nothing to be done about it. Got that, Moss? Nothing to be done about it....'
'Just as I feared. Well, he'll be gone by spring, and will no doubt spend the rest of the year writing his thesis and landing a job, so we'll be clear of him yet, Gallagher old boy. I'm counting on you... Keep your powder dry and we'll see...'
'Stay the hell out of it, Moss,' I warned him again, for all the good it would do.
'Right. Bide our time...' He was hopeless.
Then it was time to say goodbye.
I kissed Selina goodbye, and the other girls as well, for form's sake, and watched their car pull out of the lot and disappear beyond the buildings.
I found myself standing next to Noste.
‘Strange that a fellow like Edward Simonette, so grown up still plays Terratana Worlds,’ Noste said in a quiet voice. ‘I would imagine it's a lingering fragment of his long past feckless youth. Did you know he’s an admiral in the Lost Fleet of the Empire?’
‘Ah,’ I muttered. 'No I didn't.' The Lost Fleet is a well-known mercenary outfit in the online game. its various players are all quite up to snuff, as good or better than the Lamp Black Star pirates. To be one of its admirals meant that he was very good, indeed.
‘Yes, he happened to mention it when Moss was around one afternoon. He's a very senior admiral in the Lost Fleet, in fact. Though it seems almost all of them are admirals of one sort or another. anyway, we fell into talking about our experiences in the online Terratana game. Edward Simonette is every bit as modest as he is brilliant,’ Noste paused and then continued in his usual around about way. ‘Moss did most of the talking on our side – he kept his wits about him for once – and kept his exploits vague and never mentioned the Hunt or our avatars' names at all – so it was largely left to Edward Simonette to entertain us with a few of his modest triumphs as a High Admiral of the Lost Fleet. During the course of our conversation, he happened to mention his avatar’s name – Admiral E.S.C. Danger – and the name of his star ship battlecruiser, the Glory Game...’ Pause. ‘I’m not overly fond of mercenary admirals, Captain Kee,’ he said in a low voice and gave me a dark, bitter glance.
I nodded. ‘Count me in, Fiddler,’ I said.
He returned the nod, ‘I'll be in touch.' And looking back to the empty street added, more to himself than to me, ‘But then, I suppose, he hasn’t much time to play Terratana Worlds these days...’
And broke my heart.
P.S.
Though broken, it continued to beat. I took a breath, then another. Said goodbye to Moss, Noste and the guys. And returned to the flat.
We hosted our Sunday gathering as usual. I walked Ali home. At her request. She asked how I was, and I told her fine. She didn't believe me, but said that she had a nice chat with Fay and Beri and had come to see that I wasn't a total fool. She said Beri was concerned about me and had asked her (Ali) to continue to look after me. Ali assured her she'd make a physicist out of me. They likely said more, but what, I needn't be told.
I finished the term in good order, thanks to Ali, and I'm looking forward to seeing Beri, Kate and Moss in London over the holidays.
Noste called today.
'Simonette is home for the holidays,' he said in his terse in game, Fiddler Green mode. 'I've a new Black Star Alloy ship I'd like to try out. I don't know if he'll play online or not, but I've obtained a spy-tag from Jasmine Night that can be installed in his ship. It'll alert me to when he is online playing and will track where his ship is in the game. However, I need an agent to infiltrate the Lost Fleet's planetary star base, break into his ship and install the spy-tag. Care to have a crack at it, Kee?'
Simonette's a few years older than us, and he may have put away the toys of his youth. But then again, maybe not.
I glanced up at the Daydreamer half hidden on the top shelf of my closet. 'Yes, I'm in,' I said, after all, she was, once upon a time, my White Queen.
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